Until Now (Not Yet #2)

by Laura Ward

  I had to apologize. I already knew she wasn’t like the other girls at school, and I didn’t want her to leave with her feelings hurt.

  “Wait! Wait up.” I ran to her, and she turned around—her face was red. It was such a contrast to her pale skin. Like her anger was a physical being, the color altered her face so drastically. “I want to explain, but I need to know your name. I’d like to apologize the right way.”

  Her red flush traveled down to her neck, and when I looked into her eyes, they were full of tears. Motherfucker. I was seriously the lowest common denominator.

  “Grace. My name is Grace. I need to go, Dean. I don’t want to be here right now.” Her hand shook as she pulled her hair away from her face.

  I took a step closer, wiping my sweaty hands on my jeans. “I followed you yesterday.” Her jaw dropped open, but I continued. “I was only trying to get you to talk to me. Then I saw you go into the daycare center, and you came out with a little guy. He called you mommy.”

  She swallowed, not saying a word.

  “Are you a full-time college student?”

  She nodded.

  “And you work at Maria’s Diner?”

  This time, I got a slight jerk of the head.

  I looked at her hand, where there were no rings, but I still asked. “Are you married?”

  She closed her eyes and shook her head.

  “So, you’re a, uh… a single mom?” Her lips flattened, and she straightened, narrowing her eyes. For a second I thought she might just walk off and leave me standing here.

  “Why do you want to know?” Her voice had an edge to it. She was still pissed off.

  I blew out a breath and rubbed the back of my head. “You’re a tough cookie, Red. I’m only asking if you need anything. Doing it all by yourself must be hard. Damn, I wish my family lived closer. I’ve got a bunch of sisters that babysit and shit all the time.” What was wrong with me? I kept babbling… word vomiting all over this girl. But I couldn’t stop. “I just feel… sort of… bad… for you.”

  Her face deepened to a shade of crimson that scared the shit out of me. She stalked forward, and I instinctively moved back.

  “I.” She shoved a finger in my chest. “Don’t.” She jabbed again. “Need.” Poke. “Anything.” Poke, poke. “From.” Jab. “You.” She raised her finger to my face, and I couldn’t tell if she was going to hit me or cry. I did know I had hurt her pretty badly.

  She turned and walked away.

  “Grace, wait! I wasn’t trying to be a dick!” I shouted and started after her, but she took off running.

  I needed to let her go. She wasn’t ready to hear any more stupid shit coming from my trap. Jesus. Why did I offer to help her? Why did I care?

  Grace was so completely different than any girl I knew. From high school through college I’d only ever hung around women who cared about their shade of nail polish or designer flip-flops. Grace was a mom. A hot mom, with her long red hair, curvy figure, and perfect heart-shaped face, but still. She was a college student who must have the weight of the world on her shoulders.

  Me? I had football and beer, and girls who didn’t care about attachments. They just wanted to be with me.

  Walking back into my building, two hot chicks waved at me, but I ignored them. Blondes had always been my type. Now a fiery redhead was the one who’d gotten under my skin.

  Chapter Six

  Grace

  “MEATLOAF? I LOVE meatloaf!” Finn ran into the kitchen wearing a cape and underwear. Comic book Avenger’s underwear.

  “Finn, I require pants when we eat meals.” I poured his milk and my water, bringing both over to our small round University-furnished table.

  Finn sat cross-legged on his chair. “I’m wearing pants, Mom.”

  I looked down again, lips curled to hide my grin. “No, you are not.”

  He speared a large broccoli floret with his fork. “Invisible pants.”

  I snort-laughed. I’d just been beaten by a four-year-old. I heard a knock on the door, and Finn leaped out of his chair, causing it to fall sideways on the floor. “Wait for me, Finn. Do not open that door.” I picked up the chair and moved to the door. Which was open—and filled with Dean Goldsmith. What was he doing at my home? He was crossing some big lines these days.

  “You’re so tall and huge. Are you Captain America?” Finn’s head was thrown back until it was resting on the back of his shoulders.

  I wanted to answer for him. No, son. He’s Captain Dickhead. But I refrained.

  Dean laughed and crouched down to Finn. “Nope. My name’s Dean. I like your cape. Are you Superman?”

  Finn giggled and shook his head. “Mommy calls me Super-Finn, but I’m really just Finn.”

  “Hello, Just Finn. It’s nice to meet you.” Dean held out his hand, and Finn shook it, still laughing.

  “Finn, you are not allowed to open the door unless I’m with you. There could be a stranger at the door.” I paused. Dean was a stranger. Case in point. “This is a stranger, Finn. We don’t know him at all. Please wait in your room until I know it’s safe.”

  Two sets of eyes whipped to me. Finn’s were full of guilt and confusion. Dean’s were pissed and… was he hurt? He didn’t get to look hurt. Not for one second.

  “Okay, Mommy. I’m so… so… sorry.” Finn’s lower lip trembled, and I pulled him into a hug.

  I placed my lips close to his ear and whispered. “It’s okay. Just wait for me next time.” He nodded and ran into his room. The sound of a toy bag being upended filled the space between Dean and me.

  “That was a low blow, Grace. I’m not a complete stranger. I get that I’m a douche, but I’m not a dangerous one.” Dean’s tone was jovial, but his eyes were narrowed.

  I placed my hands on my hips. How the hell did I know if he was dangerous or not? One lesson I’d learned early on was that men could hurt even those they loved. I wouldn’t let any man hurt my son or me. Not ever again, intentional or not. “You might be. I don’t know you. I know you followed me home, spied on me, and then offered to help me. Sounds super safe, right?” I moved my hands to my sides and walked over to him. “You need to leave. I have a child, which you know based on your superior stalking methods. I can’t have you here.”

  Dean looked at the floor, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Never been called a stalker before.” He reached into his back pocket and handed me an envelope.

  My face burned with heat, and I forced myself to whisper and not scream like I wanted to. “What is this? I told you I didn’t need anything from you. If this is money, I will call the police. And slap you. I will so slap the shit out of you.”

  Dean rolled his eyes. “I’m not that stupid. It’s two tickets for tomorrow’s game. I wanted to apologize and didn’t know how. I said the wrong thing. I thought Finn might like to go to an IU football game,” he said placing the envelope in my hand, curling my fingers around it to encourage me to accept it. My heart raced from the contact. I needed to calm the hell down.

  He grinned, and my body relaxed. He was trying. I’d give him that. I placed the envelope back in his hand. “Thank you, but I don’t have the money right now for concessions. Trust me, a four-year-old surrounded by popcorn, peanuts, and cotton candy will not be understanding when I say that Mommy left her wallet at home.” I hoped to make light of my situation with a small smile, but his face fell at my words.

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Grace. But these are in the family section. Free food and drinks. They’ll even deliver it right to your seats. Come hungry.” He winked, and a lump formed in my throat. It had been so long since anyone other than Sylvie had done something like this for Finn and me.

  I bit my bottom lip and studied his face. “Why? Why are you being nice? What do you want from me?”

  Dean reached out and brushed his thumb along my cheek causing me to jump in response. My heart raced as he stayed close to me, placing his lips close to my ear in the same way I had done with Finn. “I don’t know e
xactly, but I like you. I don’t want anything in return except your forgiveness. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

  I nodded, unable to form words. Dean squeezed my shoulder and moved back. He called out, “Bye, Just Finn! Hope to catch up with you soon, little dude.”

  “Bye!” Finn yelled back from his room, but Dean had already shut the door behind him.

  I sat down at the kitchen table and took a long drink of water.

  “Mommy?” Finn asked for my attention as he climbed back into his chair and took a bite of meatloaf. “Was he safe? Was that stranger a nice guy?”

  I kissed Finn’s forehead and nodded. “His name’s Dean, and I think he wants to be my friend.”

  “That’s nice. You don’t have any friends.” Finn dipped his next bite in ketchup and shoved it in his mouth.

  The lump was back, and I swallowed around it. “I have you, buddy. I don’t need anyone else.”

  ***

  I KNELT NEXT to the bathtub, dragging my hands through the bubbles. A bubble bath sounded heavenly. My feet ached from standing so long at the diner, and my back and shoulders were tight from hunching over books. There was no time for a bath. Not for me anyway.

  “What’s this?” Finn asked me, lying back in his tub.

  I looked down and then stifled a giggle. “That’s your penis, buddy.”

  Finn shot me a look that clearly told me my four-year-old thought he was smarter than his mother. “I know that. Why is it standing up straight like a soldier?”

  Crap. A penis question. This was when not having a penis became an issue. I didn’t think he was ready… okay, I wasn’t ready to use the word erection. I shuddered internally. He was four years old, for goodness’ sake. Dumb it down. “Penises do that sometimes. It’ll go away.”

  “M’kay.”

  I lathered his head with shampoo. How would his dad have responded to that question? God, I hoped I had the right answers.

  I turned on the faucet, and Finn lay back against my arm as I ran the clean water over his shampooed head of hair. He closed his eyes, his complete trust in me and my safekeeping of him so humbling. Motherhood was its own kind of power, and while I never could have imagined the feeling that caring for this boy gave me, I promised myself I’d never do anything to jeopardize it.

  “Mama? Our teacher told us that next week is Grandparents’ day at school. Who will come to see me?”

  I turned off the faucet and drained the tub. Finn stood, and I toweled him off. This wasn’t the first time he had asked me about his grandparents, but it felt like it got harder to answer each time.

  I held out Finn’s underpants, and he stepped into them. “It’s just you and me, buddy. Remember?”

  Finn pulled his pajama shirt over his head, and when his face popped out of the top, his expression crushed me. At four years of age, he had learned to fake it. A halfhearted smile was plastered on a face that should know nothing but true joy. Unfortunately, life wasn’t always kind.

  Finn yanked up his pajama bottoms, and then I pulled him onto my lap. “You’re my whole world, Finn. I’m going to school so I can give you everything you need. I’m going to take care of you. I promise.” I kissed the top of his damp head. No amount of education and or any job could give him what he wanted though. A whole family.

  Finn was all the family I needed. I was content to dedicate my life to the one person that deserved it. Nothing had made me as happy as being his mom.

  I just prayed I was enough for him.

  ***

  FALL FOOTBALL GAMES were a tradition for many college students. As I walked to the stadium with Finn, I saw students bundled in red and white IU sweatshirts, some with blankets around their shoulders to ward off the chilly morning breezes. They huddled around the trunks of cars, passing beers around to all, despite the fact that it wasn’t even lunchtime. The smell of charcoal grills filled the air as students and alumni cooked hotdogs, hamburgers, and bratwursts. Games were set up in the parking lot. Some played a game with beanbags while others tossed footballs back and forth. Conflicting beats and melodies from the various sound systems overpowered the chatter. My stomach filled with butterflies as I took it all in.

  The scene was foreign to me. I was a college senior at a Big Ten university, and this was my first football game. I couldn’t afford to go before, so it never crossed my mind. I had no idea what I had been missing.

  Once inside the stadium, I eased my knees to the side so that a group of people could move past me to their seats. The family section was full of well-dressed, proud parents and siblings. A waiter knelt next to Finn’s seat and passed soda to me and juice to Finn. “This is all free?” I whispered. My stomach dipped. I was so screwed if Dean had been wrong.

  The waiter smiled in understanding. “Only in this section and the section for former IU athletes. Enjoy!” He passed two hotdogs, popcorn, and a soft pretzel to me. My stomach growled. I was starving, and junk food like this was a rarity for Finn and me.

  “Thank you,” I smiled in return. “We will.”

  Finn sat cross-legged in his seat, and I unwrapped his hotdog, placing it on his lap. Everywhere I looked there was excitement. Cheerleaders and dancers moved to the booming music, and students clapped and hollered. The stadium was a sea of red and white. Despite the cold, rows of guys were shirtless, the skin on their chests painted red, each with a single letter painted on it in white block lettering. Standing side by side their chests read: “GO IU! #1”. Many students and visitors wore IU jerseys in red or white, hats in the same colors, and quite a few painted their faces. I couldn’t keep the smile off mine. The energy was contagious.

  “Mommy, this is so cool!” Finn held my hand tightly in his. He was smiling just like me and had a dollop of mustard from his hotdog on his chin.

  I wiped his face with my napkin. “It really is!” Just then the IU football team was announced, and we stood with the rest of the stadium and clapped, whistling, and calling out as each player was called to the field by name.

  “Where’s Dean? I don’t see him!” Finn stood on his chair, moving onto his tiptoes in an attempt to spot Dean.

  I picked Finn up and sat him on my hip. “His name hasn’t been called yet. Hold on…” I pointed to the entrance, and fireworks shot out of the ground as the announcer screamed Dean’s name and number. I couldn’t believe it. He really was the star player on this team. I knew he was cocky, but I didn’t think there was an actual reason for him to feel that way.

  “There he is! Hey, Dean! Hi! It’s me, Just Finn!” Finn waved his hands in the air, and I giggled, loving every second of his excitement.

  We moved to sit down as the players got organized on the field. “He can’t hear you, buddy. We’re too far away.” I handed him his popcorn. “But he knows you’re here.”

  Finn nodded and shoveled a handful of buttery kernels into his mouth. He’d eat his way through the game and be as happy as could be. I loved seeing Finn so excited. I tried as hard as I could to make his world fun, but it was hard, and I was worn out. This gift from Dean was what we both needed.

  We continued to devour our stadium food, stopping only to get to our feet and scream with excitement when Dean threw a pass or when IU’s defense intercepted the ball. “Yes!” I jumped up along with the rest of the crowd to cheer as Dean threw the ball to his running back and he ran it in for a touchdown. In the previous play, Dean had gotten sacked, and I held my breath until I saw him get up. He hadn’t looked hurt, thank God.

  Finn asked me a ton of questions about the game, and I knew the answers to about ten percent of them. I’d need to study up on football. Finn didn’t have a daddy to teach him sports. He didn’t have anyone but me.

  That thought used to scare me. Now it was what kept me going.

  Chapter Seven

  Dean

  WHAT WAS WRONG with me? Sunday morning after our games, I usually woke up in bed with a girl—or two. Those were good times. This Sunday morning I was using Google Maps to search for a park near
Grace and Finn’s apartment. I’d shown up at their door with a bag of donuts, but they weren’t home. A hot chick walking by told me they were at the park, but she didn’t know which one. I also noticed the hot chick was wearing a wedding band. Who the fuck got married in college?

  Laughter filled the air, and I walked faster. Sure enough, around the corner was a large playground surrounded by green grass and picnic benches. Grace was sitting on a picnic bench with her long red hair tied up in a bun. Finn was the dude who was laughing. He was sliding down the slide and then racing up the steps to do it again. The idea of hanging out with Finn felt natural to me. Maybe it was my big family? Being the oldest, I was used to being around younger kids. They were funny as shit, and hanging with my siblings always gave me a break from the stupid, petty crap that seemed to infest my life. I had a feeling being around Finn would be the same.

  “Hey.” I waved as I approached her table.

  Grace jumped up, and her mouth dropped open when she saw me. Her eyes hardened, and a crease formed on her forehead. “What the…?”

  I slowed my pace. In actuality, this was the third time I had stalked this girl. Balls. I really was a creeper. I could only hope she wasn’t carrying mace or a stun gun.

  “Dean!” Finn raced toward me, hurling his body against my legs. “You’re here! I’m so glad. Could you hear me at the game? I was calling for you! Mama and I cheered so loud when you threw that ball real good. You heard us, right?” His words came out so fast I had a hard time keeping up. He dragged in a breath, and I took the break to kneel on the ground.

  “I couldn’t hear you, Just Finn. But I knew you were there, and I was hoping you were cheering for me. Did you have fun?”

  His face erupted into a blinding smile. “I had the best day ever. I ate a hotdog, popcorn, a pretzel, and cotton candy. I liked the marching band and those pretty cheer girls.” His eyes got big when he mentioned the cheerleaders, and I threw my head back and laughed.