Until Now (Not Yet #2)

by Laura Ward

  I rubbed my thumb along the soft material on her shoulder. “I’ve taken summer classes since freshman year. I’m hoping to get drafted this spring, so I knew if I wanted to graduate with a degree, I’d need to do it early.”

  Grace’s eyes widened. “Wow, the NFL. That’s so exciting, Dean. Although after watching you play at that game, I understand why. You were fantastic.”

  “Thanks, Red,” I grinned and opened my book.

  Grace took a drink of water, and I watched her swallow. I wasn’t going to get any studying done at this rate. I also didn’t give a shit.

  “Can I ask you a favor?” Grace asked.

  “Of course.” I moved to face her.

  Grace marked her place in her text with a pencil and shut the book. “When I took Finn to the game to see you, he asked me all about football. I didn’t know how to answer many of his questions. Would you teach me so that I can help him understand the game?”

  Two things happened at the same time. My chest heated with the thought that I could help Grace and that she trusted me enough to ask me for this. My stomach sank, though, when I realized that if she was asking me for help, she couldn’t or wouldn’t ask Finn’s dad.

  “Grace, I’d be happy to do that. I can teach Finn the basics too if you want.” I laced my fingers with hers. If I was going to get to know all of her, and if she was going to let me in, I had to continue. “You can’t ask Finn’s dad?”

  Grace closed her eyes and inhaled a big breath, blowing it out slowly. “Dean, I’ll tell you. I promise. This is mortifying to say to you because it solidifies my nerd status, but tonight is the best night I’ve had in so long… I can’t right now. Okay?”

  This was the best night she’d had in a long time? We just kissed. We were attempting to study together. Pain shot through my chest when I contemplated how tough Grace’s life was, and how easy I had it. I wanted to make her feel better. I wanted to heal her and touch her and…

  But I would wait. “Okay, Red.” I kissed each corner of her mouth. “Then let me hold you tonight. When you’re ready to talk, just know I’m here.”

  I meant every word. No matter where football took me, I wanted to be there for Grace. At the very least, as a friend. But after kissing her, I hoped it would be as a whole lot more than just friends.

  ***

  “WHO WANTS PIZZA?” I walked into Grace’s apartment carrying a liter of soda and three large pizza boxes. I’d eat at least one all by myself. Our team was leaving the next day for an away game in Maryland. I’d be gone for a few days, so when Grace invited me to join her and Finn for movie night, I was stoked.

  “Pizza’s my favorite food!” Finn shouted, and I shot Grace a wink.

  “Your sweet mama told me that, Just Finn.” I placed the boxes on the coffee table and leaned over to kiss Grace’s cheek. “You good, Red?”

  She blushed.

  That woman made me hard from her damn blush. Also from speaking. Oh, and from kissing my thumb.

  Okay, anything Grace did made me hard.

  Grace nodded, a soft smile spreading across her face before she headed into the kitchen. She came back with plates, napkins, and cups.

  “Do you like the Minions movie, Dean?” Finn held up a DVD. “Miss Sylvie gave me this one for my birthday!”

  “I haven’t seen it, but it looks cool. Put it in.” I sat back on the sofa and flipped open the box of cheese pizza. “When’s your birthday, little dude?”

  “September twenty-second!” He jumped up and down. “I didn’t have a party this year cause Mama is in school, but next year she will have a job, and I get a party! I want to have a pool party. No, a bouncy-house party. No, a football party.” He stopped jumping and looked down at his feet. “Would you come if I have a football party?”

  My stomach sank. If all went according to plan, I’d be at the height of football season in September. Living in the state of the team I would be playing for. A state that could be across the country. But damn, if I could, I’d be at that little dude’s birthday party. Finn made me laugh. He was easy to be around, and he looked at me like I was… more. More than a football player or a college jock. Like I was a man that he respected. And hell, if I didn’t like that. I think I needed that.

  “I’ll try, Just Finn. I’ll try real hard.” I handed out slices of pizza and avoided looking at Grace for a few minutes. Right now I wanted to forget about the coming months and watch this movie with the strange little yellow men that Finn was so excited to watch with me.

  ***

  TWO HOURS AND two pizzas later, Finn was asleep against Grace. The movie had ended, but Grace and I kept talking as the credits rolled in the background. I wanted to know every single thought in her head. And then I wanted her to put Finn to bed so I could kiss her.

  Finn stirred and snuggled closer to Grace.

  “What’s your favorite thing about being a mom?” I entwined my fingers with hers and gave a gentle squeeze.

  “Hmmm. That’s a tough one.” She looked down at her son and then up at me. “I would have to say it’s watching him grow and change. What I never fully understood before him was that as he grew up, I would only love him more. He’s my favorite person in the world.”

  For a second I felt jealous. Grow the fuck up, Dean.

  I kissed the tip of her nose. “He’s lucky to have you, Red. And I’m feeling pretty damn lucky myself right now.”

  Grace smiled, that shy little grin that I adored, and my pulse sped up. I could honestly say that I was the lucky one. With this girl and her boy, eating pizza, and watching a movie about minions.

  I was exactly where I wanted to be.

  Chapter Ten

  Grace

  WE WERE FALLING into a pattern. Dean came over every night after Finn went to bed. We kissed until my body throbbed, but he never pushed me for more. I could tell by his body’s reaction that he was turned on by me, but was he being patient or was it something else? After all, I wasn’t a normal co-ed. That was glaringly obvious as we forced ourselves to whisper and attempted to avoid tripping over toys.

  I heard the light knock on my door, and my heart raced. Being around Dean was an experience for every part of my body. I loved listening to his jokes and hearing our laughs mingle. Seeing him, his tall, muscular body folded onto my couch made my skin warm. He had a unique smell, always coming from a workout or practice. His scent was clean, but with a hint of his cologne that was so masculine I wanted to bury my face in his neck and breathe. And then his touch. I melted when his hands touched me, his lips pressed against me, his tongue stroked me. I was lit from within, on edge, always needing more. But I was afraid to ask for more. My gut told me he wanted to keep this simple, and taking it too far would mean complications.

  “Hey.” I opened the door and stood on my tiptoes to hug him.

  He dropped his bag and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Red.” He buried his face in my hair, which I always wore down at night.

  For him.

  His lips found mine and tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. He already meant so much to me. He was tender and adoring, and I felt special around him. I felt… more.

  “Mama?” We froze, wrapped in each other’s arms. Finn’s voice was shaky and scared.

  I pulled away from Dean and went to kneel in front of him. “Baby boy, what’s wrong?”

  He sniffled, wiping his eyes. “I had a bad dream.”

  Dean came over and sat cross-legged on the floor next to us. “I hate bad dreams, little dude. What was yours about?”

  Finn looked at Dean and modeled him, sitting cross-legged across from him. “A crocodile tried to eat my toes.”

  “That’s terrible.” Dean leaned forward. “What did you do?”

  Finn’s eyes went round. “I ran. Very fast. I’m speedy, you know.”

  Dean chuckled. “You are, little dude. I’ve seen you run. Lemme see your toes.”

  Finn stretched his legs out in front of him, and Dean counted them. “Ten. All th
ere.”

  “What should I do if he comes back?” Finn looked back and forth between Dean and me.

  “You know,” I began. “I’m one hundred percent certain that was just a dream. Want to know how I know?” Dean and Finn both nodded, and I giggled. “We live in Indiana. We don’t have any crocodiles in our state other than in the zoo. I listened to the news tonight. There have been no escapes from the zoo. You’re safe, buddy.”

  Finn threw his arms around me in a hug and then did the same to Dean. As he pulled back, Dean took his hand in his. “Cool birthmark, Just Finn.” He stared at the long brown birthmark on Finn’s hand, close to his wrist.

  “It’s not a birthmark, Dean.” Finn’s face was serious.

  Dean tilted his head to the side. “What is it?”

  My stomach flipped. I knew what was coming. The conversation I had been putting off would happen tonight.

  “An angel kiss. Mama said my daddy kissed my hand up in heaven to say good-bye to me before I came to see her here on earth.” Finn pressed his lips to his angel kiss and then hopped up. “Night, night.”

  I blew him a kiss, and Dean waved as Finn walked back into his room. I joined Dean in his cross-legged position and faced him.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you first.” I took his hand in mine and studied the contrast. His large hand engulfed my small one, his tan fingers wrapped around my pale ones, which were dusted with freckles.

  “Finn’s father is dead?” Dean whispered, and I nodded. “How? Before he was born?”

  I looked up into Dean’s eyes, so crystal-clear blue they reminded me of the ocean. “His dad’s name was Josh. He struggled with depression for a long time, and he died by suicide months before Finn was born.” My voice cracked, and tears fell from my eyes, running down my cheeks. Dean pulled me onto his lap, rocking me back and forth, and kissed the top of my head.

  “I’m so sorry, Grace.” Dean’s voice was raw, and my heart hammered in my chest. His knowing this was one more tie to him, one more link from my heart to his.

  I looked up and brushed my lips against his. “I’ve always been on my own with Finn. He’s never known any parent but me.” I turned, straddling him, and placed my hands on his shoulders. “This doesn’t change anything, Dean. Don’t start feeling sorry for us. Finn and I are fine.”

  Dean closed his eyes and his jaw clenched and unclenched. When he opened his eyes again, his pupils were dilated, and his eyes flashed. “I don’t feel sorry for you, Red. But I feel… a lot.”

  I stood up and held up one finger in pause. I walked into Finn’s room and checked on him. Sound asleep. I closed his door and walked back to Dean, holding my hand out to him. He placed his in mine and jumped to his feet.

  “I feel a lot too. Probably more than you can imagine. I feel more for you than I have for any other man, even though all we've done is kiss. Sometimes I wonder if you want... me? In that way? Or is it just that you feel sorry for me?”

  Dean’s eyes widened, and he growled, lifting me off my feet. I wrapped my legs around his waist. His body shook, and I linked my hands around his neck. “Which door is to your room?” he asked.

  My pulse sped up. I hated admitting one more thing to him that he could pity me for. “I don’t have a room.”

  He froze. I was certain he stopped breathing. He turned around, pressing my back against the wall. “This is a one bedroom?”

  I looked down watching where our hips pressed together. “It’s what I can afford.”

  “Where do you sleep, Red?” His voice was so rough I shivered.

  “The couch. It’s fine,” I whispered.

  “Where do you keep your clothes?” He sounded angry. I didn’t want that either. No one but Sylvie knew or cared where I slept. Until now.

  “In the hall closet. Some in Finn’s room.”

  Dean blew out a long breath. “It’s gonna take me some time to process all that you do for your son, Red. Just know that I know. And someday that kid will get it, and he will never forget how his mama gave all she had for him.”

  “Dean,” I breathed out. “I’m fine.” He stiffened, his arms tense around me. “But you haven’t answered my question.”

  Dean changed direction and walked us over to the couch, laying me on my back.

  “Do I want you?” His voice was raspy, and my pulse sped up. “All I do is think about you, Grace. I think about what you would look like underneath me, on top of me.” He ran his nose along mine and then brought his lips to my ear. “I’ve never been a patient man. I’ve never wanted to be with a girl who deserved that patience. But for you, I’ll wait. I’ll wait until you’re ready for me. ’Cause once I have you, Red, I’m not going to be able to stop.”

  Oh. Dear. God.

  I licked my lips, and he groaned, pressing his lips to mine. My tongue met his, and we kissed. I sighed into his mouth. This was where I wanted to be.

  He leaned over me, bracing himself on his elbows. His eyes searched mine. “How much are you ready for?”

  I swallowed and ran my fingertips down his cheek. “I’m not ready for sex tonight. But…” I took a deep breath. “I want you to touch me.”

  Dean closed his eyes again and allowed his hips to fall between my legs that were cradling him.

  Mother of God. He was so hard.

  Dean pulled my T-shirt over my head. He reached behind his neck and pulled his off too. Then he lowered his body until our chests met. He rocked against me, and I shuddered.

  “Oh, God. Dean, this feels... incredible.” I gasped for air and raised my face toward his, sucking on his lower lip.

  He chuckled. “I haven’t even touched you yet, Red.” He moved his head to my chest, and I froze.

  Yes, yes, yes, please. Touch me. Touch me. Touch me.

  He ran his nose along the swells of my breasts, and when he looked at me, his eyes were glazed.

  I watched as his hand trailed closer to my bra. He reached behind me and released the clasp, still rocking his hips against me. Pleasure tore through my body, the ache in my core intensifying. More. More. More.

  Dean pulled my bra off and threw it to the side. He cupped my breasts in his hands, running his thumbs over my nipples. I arched my back, holding my moan inside, desperate to stay quiet.

  “Shit, Grace. I’ve dreamed of touching these. I wondered if you blushed here too.” He licked one nipple and then took it in his mouth, sucking, while he rubbed the other. He’d know the answer to that question shortly. My body was on fire and my face, neck, and chest burned with heat. My hips rocked against Dean’s, matching his rhythm, intensifying the connection between us.

  “Mmmm.” Dean had moved to the other nipple. “It’s true. You even blush here. This creamy skin gets pink all over.” He sucked, releasing my nipple with a pop. “Your body is sexy as fuck, Red. I want to kiss you, lick you, and suck you all over.”

  That did it.

  “Oh, God. Yes, Dean.” I moaned long and low as the orgasm hit me. The boy had dry humped the hell out of me, and it felt unreal. He held my body tightly to his until I stopped trembling. I kissed up his neck, pressing my lips to his jaw. “Thank you.”

  He laughed. “Don’t thank me, baby. That was beautiful.”

  I buried my face against his neck. “Shit. Was I too loud?”

  He kissed the top of my head and chuckled again. “No, you were perfect.”

  “It’s been a long time, Dean. I’m sure you guessed that.”

  Dean sat up, holding me to him, and wrapped a blanket from the back of my couch around us. “How long?” His voice was flat, and his lips turned down in a frown.

  “Five years.” I looked away. I didn’t want to see the shock or sadness on his face.

  Dean’s fingers drew my chin to him. “You haven’t been with anyone since Josh?” I didn’t see shock or sadness or pity. He almost looked relieved.

  “I don’t let guys come around Finn. You…” I smiled and played with a piece of his unruly blond hair. “You’re different. You
have been from the start.” I tugged hard on a strand of his hair. “You know, all the stalking and creeper stuff. You won me over by pure stubbornness.”

  He chuckled and then drew in a large breath. “Thank you for trusting me.” His hands crept back up to my breasts, circling them.

  “So that was the first orgasm you’ve had in five years?” His chest puffed forward, and his grin was proud.

  I ducked away again. “Well…”

  He cleared his throat. “Well, what?”

  “I can’t tell you this.” I tried to stand, but he pulled me back, tickling my rib cage and trapping me beneath him.

  “You better tell me.” He sucked on my neck, and when I didn’t have to look in his eyes, I found it easier to say the words.

  “We’ve—” I gasped. Shit, the ache was back. He sucked so hard, and it felt so good. “We’ve been doing a lot of kissing, and then you go home.”

  He stopped and drew in a jagged breath. “Grace,” he groaned. “Please keep going. Please tell me.”

  I moaned as he moved to suck on my earlobe. “After you leave, I picture what you would do to me.”

  “Red, do you make yourself come?” His words were so hot in my ear that I clenched my legs together.

  “Yes,” I hissed, and he froze.

  His eyes were black as night. All I could see were his pupils, and his big body trembled above me. “You lay right here, thinking of me and touching yourself at night?”

  I bit my lip and nodded. No reason to lie to the man.

  He released me from his arms, his head falling back against the couch. Dean pressed his palms to his eyes. “Fuuuucckkk.”

  As long as I was being brave, and most assuredly foolish, I sat up and cupped his groin, stroking and squeezing his hardness. “Have you ever done the same?”

  He dropped his hands and winced, squeezing his eyes shut. “Three damn times a day, Red.” He groaned as I applied more pressure to him. “But now that I’ve heard this, it’ll be four.”