Until Now (Not Yet #2)

by Laura Ward

  I choked back a sob as I folded the paper and put it into my pocket.

  “Grace?” A hand gripped my forearm before I started up the stairs. I knew that voice. I wasn’t ready to hear that voice.

  I looked to my left. “Hi, Dean.” My throat was dry, and my voice was weak.

  Dean’s eyebrows pulled together. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded and ran a hand through my hair. Even my hair seemed affected by this virus. The shiny red was dulled and thin. “Yes, just caught a cold.”

  Dean looked me up and down. “Just a cold? You’ve lost a ton of weight.”

  I pulled away from him. “No, I haven’t.” Total lie. I’d lost over ten pounds. I looked like I was only made of skin and bones. I would see Sylvie for the first time today at work, and I was pretty sure she would immediately force-feed me a bacon cheeseburger.

  “I’ve called. And texted.” Dean looked away and then back at me. “You never came to the game, Red. Please talk to me.”

  I looked down at my watch. “I have an exam. I have to go.” I started up the stairs and then turned around. Be brave, Grace. Do what is best for Finn and Dean and cut all ties. “Please make this easier on all of us and just let me go.” I watched his face fall, and then he turned around, walking out of my life.

  He thought I’d let him go. The problem was, once I let him in and allowed myself to love him, I would never be able to let Dean Goldsmith go. Even though in the end, I always knew he would.

  But that was for me to deal with. Right now I had a test to pass.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Dean

  THE FANCY-ASS PEN felt heavy in my hand. “Sign here.” Andrew pointed to another line, and I scrawled my name across the bottom. My now-official agent held out his hand, and we shook. “I’m looking forward to making you a very rich man, Dean.”

  I smiled. That was all I had right now. Andrew stood in the kitchen I grew up in and talked to my parents. Mom and Dad had liked him, and that was good enough for me. After winning the championship game, and as soon as my eligibility was announced from IU, agents had been contacting me left and right. I liked that Andrew had been the first one to approach me.

  Andrew clasped my shoulder. “Have a great Christmas. I’ll see you in Florida.” IU was playing at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando on New Year’s Day, and my new agent wouldn’t miss it. He waved and made his way out the door. He had wanted that contract signed pretty damn bad to drive out here on Christmas Eve.

  Business first, I guess. Football had always come first to me too.

  Until now.

  Focus, Goldsmith. Focus on football.

  Andrew’s firm had secured me a spot in a training facility in Arizona for right after the senior bowl game at the end of the month. This game was for the best senior collegiate players in the country, who were also the top NFL draft prospects. After that I’d be training all day for the NFL combine at the end of February. I would find out in a few days if I was invited to the combine, but everyone around me was confident. Except for me. At a time in my life when I should be overflowing with self-assurance, I was weak. What I believed and what I knew weren’t true. Grace didn’t want me in her life. She believed my life was easier without them. The gaping hole in my chest kept me off-balance.

  “Mom Goldsmith!” Landon’s voice boomed through the kitchen. He jogged to my mom and lifted her off her feet in a giant hug.

  My dad rounded the table. “Hello, Emma.” My father kissed her cheek and Emma grinned.

  “Merry Christmas, Mr. and Mrs. Goldsmith.” Emma unwrapped her scarf and took off her gloves. “It’s so cold! I’m happy to see you all, but part of me wishes we had stayed in California this year.”

  I walked over and hugged Emma. As I passed by Landon, I smacked him on the back of the head. “Your phone dead, numbnut? When did you get into town?”

  Landon rubbed his head. “Ow. We just got in this morning. We spent some time with Evie and Garrett and then came straight here. Chill.”

  That made me grin. I should’ve known. Evie was Emma’s sister, and Garrett was her live-in boyfriend. Both had different special needs. They were cool people, and I’d learned a lot from them, just like I had from Amy.

  Dad slapped Landon on the back. “How are you, son? Graduating soon?” He motioned to the chairs, and we all sat around my parents’ table. Mom placed a platter of sugar cookies in the middle.

  “Sweet! Thanks, Mom G.” Landon shoved an entire cookie in his mouth and chewed. Emma’s nose wrinkled as she watched him.

  “Why are you still with that animal, Emma?” I made a gagging noise in the back of my throat, and she laughed, shrugging her shoulders. Landon extended his hand around the back of both my parents and shot me his middle finger.

  “I still have another year and a half, Mr. G. I’m graduating with an undergraduate degree and a masters in special education. I’ll go right into the classroom when I’m finished.” Landon answered my father before he grabbed another cookie.

  “Landon is fantastic with special needs kids, Mr. Goldsmith. We help run a camp every summer, and the kids adore him. He’ll be the best teacher.” She leaned over and kissed Landon’s cheek.

  “Thanks, baby.” Landon slung his arm over Emma’s shoulder, pulling her in closer to him.

  My stomach twisted. I was fucking jealous. In the past anytime I’d ever witnessed Landon falling all over Emma, I felt nothing. That’s not true. I pitied him. I wished for him the life that I had. Filled with nothing but football and females. And now I was jealous. I wanted Grace next to me and Finn on my lap, giving himself a belly ache from my mom’s cookies and hot chocolate.

  But according to Grace, they were better off without me. Bullshit.

  “Where’s the rest of the clan? All your brothers and sisters? The little Deans and Deanettes?” Landon asked, arching his neck to look around the kitchen.

  My mother pulled out a chair and joined us at the table. “Last-minute Christmas shopping. Devin drove them in the van.”

  “Darn. The highlight of my visit home is when the five of them gang up on Dean.” Landon chuckled, and my Dad nodded.

  Seems my siblings weren’t the only ones who ganged up on me.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Goldsmith? And Dean? I asked Amy to come over here too. Is that all right? We’re going to drive her home later and visit with her parents.” Emma sipped from the mug of hot chocolate my mom handed her.

  “Of course! Any of your friends are welcome here,” my dad said.

  “Glad to hear that. Merry Christmas everybody!” Jon called out as he walked into the kitchen. Ricky followed behind him.

  “Merry, merry,” Ricky mumbled. He was the least jolly motherfucker I had ever seen. I needed to find out what was going on with that guy. Ever since we left for college and he stayed behind, he’d changed. And not for the better.

  Mom passed around more steaming mugs of hot chocolate, kissing each of my friends on the cheek as she delivered their drink.

  Landon piled his mug high with a handful of marshmallows. He still drank his hot chocolate like a six-year-old. At least some things never changed. “Congrats on graduating early, man. We can’t wait to catch the bowl on television. Are you bringing your girl with you to Florida?” Landon grinned, and I balled my hands into fists under the table. Not his fault. He didn’t know what went down. Fact was, it still hurt like a motherfucker to hear someone refer to Grace as my girl.

  My parents exchanged a look before turning to me. “Your girl? Is this the one we waited to meet at the football game?” My mom crossed her arms over her chest. She was furious when Grace was a no-show. No matter how old or ugly I got, I was her baby boy, and she wasn’t okay with anyone hurting me.

  Emma’s face fell. “She didn’t come to your game? Was something wrong with her son?”

  My dad stood up. “She has a kid?” His face reddened, and I looked up at the ceiling and blew out a breath. Thanks so much for coming over, Landon and Emma.

  “Da
d, please sit down.” I scooted my chair back from the table. Emma mouthed an apology to me as Landon rubbed her back. Jon stared at the table, and Ricky looked as confused as I felt.

  “Tell us what happened, man,” Landon urged.

  I ran my hands through my hair. They all loved me, or at least tolerated me as was the case with Emma. “Mom, Dad, I met a girl named Grace a few months ago. She has a four-year-old son who she’s raised alone while going to college full time.”

  “Whoa.” My dad’s eyes widened, and he rubbed his chin.

  Mom sat forward and clasped her hands in front of her on the table. “Are her parents present in their lives?”

  I shook my head. “They wanted her to get an abortion.” Mom gasped, and Emma slapped her hand across her mouth. “When she refused, they threw her out. Disowned her. Her pregnancy, the birth of her son, every holiday… It’s just the two of them.” My throat was rough as I swallowed. The sour feeling in my stomach grew as it did whenever I thought about Grace’s life.

  “And what happened to the kid’s dad?” Landon’s voice was gruff. Landon’s dad disowned him when he lost his scholarship to IU. He knew the feeling of bitter disappointment both from and in a parent. “Where has he been?”

  I looked down to the floor. “He died by suicide.” Landon’s curse and my mom’s cry was all I heard. When I surveyed the table, Dad had his eyes closed. My friends looked at each other with wide eyes. “He suffered from depression, and when Grace told him she was pregnant during their senior year of high school, he snapped. He knew he’d let his parents down, and his life was changed. He decided to end it.” My voice cracked, and I got up and walked to the sink. I grabbed a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water, drinking a large gulp.

  Mom walked behind me and placed a hand on my back. “Why didn’t she come to the game, Dean? It sure sounds like she needs someone like you in her life. Someone who cares for her.”

  I turned to face the group. “I thought she did. I love her. God, I love both of them so much. I was ready to commit to her. To tell her she was all I wanted.”

  “What happened?” Emma asked.

  “Finn got sick, and I skipped practice to stay home with him. When she came home that day from work, something had changed. I don’t know what the hell happened. She had a bunch of reasons why we shouldn’t be together anymore.” I slammed the glass of water down on the counter. “She broke up with me.” I dragged my hands through my hair. “She was convinced I wished she didn’t have a son. I don’t know where she got that idea.” My stomach hurt at the recollection.

  “Shit, Dean.” Jon stood up and walked over to me. He rubbed the back of his shaved head. “You mean that? You’re in love with Grace?”

  I threw my arms out to the side. “Yes! And I don’t understand what the fuck happened.”

  Jon looked away. “I do. This is all my fault.”

  My blood began to boil. This was bad. I was going to have to hurt my best friend. “What do you mean?” I leaned in so close to Jon that our noses touched. Landon’s chair scraped against the floor as he pushed it back and jumped between us. Ricky followed and moved to the other side of Jon.

  “Settle down, boys.” My dad’s voice boomed across the room. “There are ladies present. Jon, tell Dean what you know. Help him make some sense of this mess.”

  Jon nodded, and Landon pushed me back another step. “I went to Maria’s Diner looking for Grace when you didn’t show up for practice.” He swallowed hard.

  “I know that. Grace told me that you were the one that told her I missed practice and the meeting. She didn’t say that you said more,” I growled.

  Jon took a deep breath. “I told her that you’ve worked your whole life to get right where you are now. To go pro. To play ball for a living. And that by skipping the meeting and practice, you’d jeopardized that.”

  I reached out and fisted his shirt. “What else did you say, you stupid ass?”

  “I told her about me. The way I grew up.”

  I released Jon’s shirt and took a step back. You could have heard a pin drop, the room was so silent. Jon rarely talked about his family, but when he did, it wasn’t good.

  “I knew you were over there playing house, and it brought me right back to the guys who acted like I mattered to them but then moved on. Away. I thought… that would happen to her kid. I didn’t think you’d want a serious relationship when you were heading to the pros. I thought you’d get tired of them, and the kid would end up hurt.”

  His voice dropped low, but I heard every goddamn word that came next. “And I told her what you said on the bus that one time.”

  The bus? My mind raced. “What was that?”

  Jon looked at Landon over my shoulder, and Landon’s grip on me tightened. Fuck. “I told her you wished she didn’t have a kid.”

  My mom and Emma both yelled my name in a tone that hinted Jon wasn’t the only one getting hit tonight.

  I raised my fist, and Jon yelled out, “I’m sorry, man. You pissed me off when you said that.”

  Landon held my arms back as I clamored to get at Jon’s face. “I never said that you jackass!”

  “You did. After the Ohio game. Remember? You said it would be easier to be with her without a kid. Some guy said the same thing to my mom. And it sucks, okay?”

  Jesus Christ. Jon would pay for this shit. “You bag of dicks. This is not the same thing that happened to you. Yes of course kids make things harder for anyone at any stage of their relationship. Remember the next thing I said? That I didn’t mind things being complicated? That I dug both of them so much? That I wanted them to be a part of my world and vice versa? You tell her any of that, asshole?”

  Jon paled. “I fucked up. I thought you felt sorry for her and her kid. I didn’t know you freaking loved her. I mean, she said she loved you, but I just thought…”

  The sound of rushing air filled my ears. My head spun, and I dropped my fist, stumbling backward.

  “Calm down, fucker. Calm down and listen.” Landon spoke in my ear, and I dragged in a breath.

  “She said she loves me?” My voice was raw, and my throat burned.

  “She got pissed, man. She got right in my face and told me she loved you but that she could never be with anyone who didn’t want her son in their life.” Jon looked right into my eyes. “She looked real sad, but now that I hear her whole story… She’s had it so rough. Damn, man. I’m sorry.”

  I stared at him. I hated that Jon had a bad childhood, and I sort of got that he was trying to protect Finn from that, but he went too far. He hurt my Grace, and he would be getting punched for it. Right in the face. I knew it, and he knew it. But not in my mom’s kitchen.

  “Dean, you both love each other. Have you tried to talk to her since she ended it? This sounds like one huge misunderstanding.” My mom wiped her eyes with a tissue.

  I scrubbed my hands over my face. “Yeah, I went to her and begged her to reconsider breaking up with me.” Landon snickered, relishing my new president-level status in the land of pussy, but I ignored him. He had every right to mock me. I may be acting even worse than he did when he lost Emma. “I gave her tickets to the game the next day and told her I wanted her to meet my parents, but she never showed up. I kept calling even after the game. She never returned my messages or texts.”

  “She was sick. Very, very sick.” Amy stood in the doorway, frowning.

  Everyone froze. I walked over to her slowly. “How do you know that, Amy?”

  Amy’s smile was small. “She does love you. She kept saying it all through the fever.”

  My stomach plummeted to the ground. I thought I might puke. I didn’t feel sick before the championship game, but this whole day was bringing me to my knees.

  Emma walked over to Amy and hugged her. “When did Grace get a fever, Amy?”

  Amy looked at Emma and then at me. “Sometime early that Saturday. She texted me that she was sick, and my mom and I went to her house. She was burning up. I took care
of Finn.” She beamed with pride. “For seven whole days.”

  My mom drew in a sharp breath. “A week! Did Grace go to the hospital, sweetie? Is she okay?”

  Amy nodded. “My mom took care of her the whole time. After a few days we tried to take her to the hospital. She was so hot and kept throwing up. She could not talk. Finn was scared. But she would not go.”

  Emma’s hand was pressed against her chest. “Why not?”

  “She did not have money to pay the bills. And she worried that someone would try and take Finn from her,” Amy said with a frown.

  I slumped onto the floor, my head between my knees.

  “Fuck me,” Jon muttered.

  A tear ran down my face, and I didn’t give a shit that my boys saw it. She loved me. Red loved me. She had been sick and scared, and I wasn’t there for her. Like everyone else in her life.

  “Dean?” Amy crouched down next to me on the floor. “Do you love her? Or are you trying to save her? Because she does not need you to save her. She already loves a superhero.”

  She was blunt, but she was right. “Grace has never needed me, Amy.” I cleared my throat before I could go on. “But I need her in my life. I love her. I promise you.”

  Amy’s grin was wide. “Then go get her.” She pointed toward the door.

  Right on, Amy. I jumped up and looked at my parents. “I gotta go to them.”

  “Go!” Dad grabbed my keys off the counter and tossed them my way.

  “Bring them back with you,” Mom called out.

  Landon jogged after me. He leaned into the open door as I started my truck. “Now you know, man.”

  I waited. Waited for him to call me a hypocrite. A pussy. Any of which would be true.

  “You know what it feels like to meet the one.” He grinned, and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. “Now tell her that.” He slammed my door, and I gunned my engine, tires peeling as I flew down the road.