Until Now (Not Yet #2)

by Laura Ward

  I was going to get my girl and my little dude too.

  Chapter Twenty

  Grace

  Dear Gracie,

  Where do we start? Too much time has gone by because of our stubborn pride. I guess we start with sorry. We are so sorry for the way we treated you when you told us you were pregnant. Josh had just died, and I’d like to say that our behavior was due to shock. But that wouldn’t be the truth. We were embarrassed. We had high hopes that our perfect child would never make a mistake.

  That wasn’t fair. That isn’t being a parent, and it certainly isn’t how God wanted us to treat our family.

  We’ve been praying over what to do. We’ve asked our pastor, and we’ve seen a family therapist. We all agree that we made a horrible mistake. We don’t want to show up on your doorstep unannounced and ask for forgiveness because you have a child. We have a grandchild. And we don’t want to upset him or her.

  So we are asking you to contact us. Come to the house. Pick up the phone. Write back. Anything to let us know we can see you. We know that the path to forgiveness will be a long one, but we would like to start. We would like to meet our grandchild.

  We love you, Gracie. Even when we acted in the most unloving way, we never stopped loving you.

  Love,

  Mom and Dad

  I read the damn letter for the twentieth time and then crumpled it into a ball. I threw it in the trash before I could read it again. The coffeemaker beeped, and I sighed in relief. I poured a mug full and wrapped my hands around the warm cup. This was the first contact my parents had tried to make in five years. They were sorry. They were wrong. They loved me. They wanted to meet Finn. I was so furious. I was so heartbroken. I was so… confused.

  Loving Dean and feeling like, even for a minute, Finn and I were part of a bigger family had made me realize what I was missing. I lost Dean, but maybe, just maybe, I could have my family back. Could I ever forgive them?

  “Hiya, Mama!” Finn bounded into the kitchen and sat at the table with a grin. “Merry Christmas Eve!”

  “Merry Christmas Eve to you too!” I poured him a bowl of cheerios and added milk and a sliced banana.

  “Thank you. Did Joe make you a good cup today?” Despite my emotions from the letter, I giggled. When Finn learned that people sometimes called coffee a cup of Joe, he immediately named our coffeemaker Joe. Finn was the absolute best part of every day.

  “Joe did an excellent job.” I placed his bowl in front of him and refilled my cup of Joe.

  I didn’t have a choice when my parents told me to leave. But I had never reached out again. I had never tried to see if they could forgive me or if I could forgive them. We had been at a standoff, and the biggest loser in that standoff was my son. And Finn deserved more than to suffer at the hands of my pride. Finn deserved a family.

  Reaching into the trash can, I dug the letter out, smoothed it down, and reread it.

  ***

  “HO, HO, HO, ho ho!” Finn sang as he hung a Santa ornament on our small tree. Immediately after, he sang along with the holiday song that played on our radio.

  I wanted to join him, but I couldn’t find the energy. Even three cups of Joe didn’t liven me up. I wasn’t sure if it was from the letter, my illness, or the loss of Dean, but I couldn’t shake my funk. Not even on Christmas Eve.

  I sat on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, and handed Finn one ornament at a time from our box. We didn’t have a ton, but over the years we had collected some store-bought ornaments from places we had visited and quite a few handmade ones.

  “Here’s the last one. Then we can hang the popcorn string.” I handed Finn a wreath with a picture of his face glued to the center. He put that together in school with Amy this year.

  Looking at our tree, I held back my smile. The top third of the tree was bare. Other years, this would have bothered me. I would have subtly moved ornaments around and filled the tree evenly. This year I couldn’t bring myself to care.

  I was determined that Finn wouldn’t suffer from my mood though. We baked cookies, I wrapped his presents, and we watched all the Christmas television shows and movies together. I steeled my heart and tried to think only about Finn.

  I was failing, but he didn’t notice. His attention was on the happiest time of the year for a child.

  Homemade spaghetti sauce, my mom’s Christmas Eve tradition, bubbled away on the stove. Three times today I had picked up the phone to call her only to hang up before I dialed. But it was a start. Perhaps it was time to see if forgiveness was in our future.

  I heard a knock on my door, and my heart swelled. Did Sylvie cancel her trip? It had to be her or Amy.

  Finn followed me to the door, wrapping his body around my leg. I opened it a crack, but all I could see was a huge poinsettia plant.

  “Merry Christmas, you two. May I come in?” Dean lowered the plant, and his eyes were soft, his brows drawn together. The sound of his voice alone melted the steel around my heart just a bit, and I opened the door wider.

  Finn didn’t respond. He turned and walked to the tree, staring at the colored lights in silence. Dean’s face fell.

  “What are you doing on campus? Shouldn’t you be home with your family?” I tucked my hands into the sleeves of my sweatshirt so that I wouldn’t reach for him.

  “I am home.” He stared at me, and both of our eyes filled with tears. “I have so much to say to you.” He looked over to Finn. “But first I need to apologize to him.”

  He handed me the big red plant and a bottle of sparkling cider. He remembered.

  “Just Finn?” He knelt down next to Finn, but Finn refused to turn his way. “I owe you a big apology.” Finn stayed forward, but I saw his chin quiver.

  “When I left you said I cracked your heart. I never meant to do that.” Dean looked up at Finn and then over to me. “I never wanted to hurt either of your hearts.”

  Finn’s chin and lower lip wobbled. “Can you forgive me? I made a mistake.” Finn took in a shaky breath, and Dean turned to me. “Your mommy thought I lied. I didn’t lie to either of you. I never will. I should have fought harder. I should have stayed until I made things right. Can you both forgive me for leaving? I’ll have to leave for football a lot in the future, but I never want either of you to feel sad when I’m gone. I always want to come back to you both. Always, Grace. I love you. I love you both so much.”

  Tears ran down my face. I couldn’t keep my feet from moving toward Dean. I knelt in front of him and took his hands in mine. “I love you, Dean. But…”

  “Don’t say it. Don’t even say the words out loud. Jon was wrong. That is not what I said. I never could.”

  The chill that had permeated my bones for the past two weeks lifted. Warmth filled me. He did want Finn in his life. He wasn’t like… them.

  Dean took Finn’s hand in one of his, holding mine in the other. “I want to be a part of this family. If you both will let me.”

  Finn turned and looked at Dean. “You love me? Like a friend or like a… daddy?”

  A sob escaped from my lips before I could control it. Dean’s face twisted, and he pulled Finn onto his lap. “I’m not your daddy, little dude. But I love you like you were my son. Does that make sense?”

  Finn nodded and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck. “I love you too, Dean. Please don’t leave again angry. Mama got sick, and I was scared. I wanted you.”

  A strangled sound came from Dean’s throat, and he squeezed his eyes shut. “I didn’t know, little dude. I didn’t know your mama was so sick. If I had I would have been here. That will never happen again.” He rubbed Finn’s back, and Finn lifted his head and kissed Dean’s cheek.

  Dean blew out a long breath. “Can I talk to your mama alone? We’ll be in the kitchen. Can you give us a few minutes?”

  Finn nodded. “I’ll watch another Christmas show.” He turned on Clark Kent and sat cross-legged in front of it. “Go ahead and make up. I’ll be right here.”

  My laughter and tears blend
ed together. He was one smart little guy. Dean stood up and pulled me along with him. We walked into the kitchen and waited until we heard Finn’s show begin.

  “I’m sorry—”

  “Red, I’m so—”

  We spoke at the same time and then stopped together. Dean smiled. “You go first.”

  “I believed Jon when he told me you wished Finn wasn’t in my life.” My heart raced in my chest, but I didn’t feel weak anymore. I wanted to say this to Dean. I wanted him to understand why I broke up with him. “I think I feared that all along. So when he said it, I snapped. I didn’t think it could be untrue or misconstrued. You see, my parents and Josh wished that. And they left me.” I gasped and pressed my hands to my chest, pushing hard to take away the jagged pains. “I thought if you felt the same way, even just a little, and if you left Finn and me, even if not in the same way Josh did… you see, it’s not just me anymore… I have to look out for Finn’s heart too.” I walked closer to Dean but stopped before my body touched his.

  Dean grunted. He lifted his hand and ran his fingers through my hair, grasping my head. “When Jon told me what he said to you, I almost lost it. The asshole thought he was protecting Finn and helping me. He told me that he talked to you a bit about how he grew up?”

  I rolled my neck, nuzzling my head against his hand. The feel of his hand against my head made me feel warm all over. “He told me about his mom and the guys she dated that never stuck around.”

  Dean’s thumb traced the edge of my jaw. “There’s more to tell, but that’s his story. Regardless, he should have stayed out of our business. I want you to know that I did have a conversation with him where I said that a child in a relationship makes it more difficult. More complicated.”

  My body tensed, and Dean crouched to look straight into my eyes. “And then I said I didn’t mind complicated for a second. And I don’t. My life has been richer and more fun and happier since I met you two than ever before. I want to be a part of this family. I don’t want to change one thing. This is where I belong, Red.” He dragged his nose along the side of mine. “If you’ll have me.”

  I closed my eyes and absorbed his words. “I love you, Dean.”

  He tucked me into his side, wrapping his arms around me. “I love you so fucking much, Red. I don’t want you to have to be strong all by yourself anymore. I want to be strong together. Understand what I’m saying?”

  “Mmmmm.” His scent enveloped me, but as good as he smelled, I wanted to taste him more than I wanted to breathe at that moment. “I understand. Now please kiss me.” I brought my lips to his, and Dean met me, mouth open, and tongue stroking mine. I held on to his waist and poured every bit of my heart into that kiss. Our teeth banged, our lips molded, and our tongues tangled. The kiss deepened, and Dean moved back, panting.

  “We can’t. Just Finn. Later. More. Need you.” He sounded like an out-of-breath caveman.

  I laughed. “Yes, later.” Right now a hug would have to suffice. I wrapped my arms around him and held him to me.

  Dean kissed the top of my head. “Come home with me tomorrow. I need you to meet the rest of my family,” he whispered into my hair.

  My heart felt full at his words. He wanted us to be a part of his family. I raised my head up and kissed his jaw. “I would love that. We both would.” I snuggled deeper into him.

  “What’s your favorite part about Christmas?” he asked.

  With my cheek pressed against his chest, I relaxed from the rhythm of his powerful, steady heartbeat. “Watching Finn open presents from Santa. What’s yours?”

  “Sleeping under the tree. I did it every night until I left for college. Can we put Finn to bed and sleep under the tree? I want to hold you… and love you all night.”

  I turned my face and placed a kiss over his heart. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  I looked into the blue eyes that had come to mean so much to me. “For understanding. For coming back. For loving us.”

  “That’s the thing, Red. I’m a stubborn asshole. Once I’m in, I’m in. That’s just how it’s going to be from now on. The three of us.”

  Those pesky tears welled up again. “The three of us.” They were my favorite words ever spoken.

  ***

  SPAGHETTI AND SPARKLING cider were consumed. Cookies and milk were laid out by the balcony door, being that I was without the traditional fireplace. Stories were read. As soon as Finn was asleep, cookies were nibbled, and milk was drunk. I placed Finn’s presents under the tree while Dean made us a bed of blankets and pillows.

  “That’s a decent haul of presents, Red.” Dean pulled me down next to him on the blanket bed. “How’d you manage to do all that?”

  I pointed to a pile of presents wrapped in dancing Santa paper. “Those are all from Sylvie. She spoils Finn every year. The rest are from Santa. Santa saves all year for this. Santa shops at consignment stores, and Santa wraps everything possible individually so there will be more to open. Last year money was really tight, and Santa even wrapped his socks separately.” I laughed, but Dean frowned. “What?”

  “I don’t have presents for either of you. I stopped at the grocery store for the plant and cider. I spaced on gifts.” Dean’s eyes narrowed. He looked so cute when he was irritated with himself.

  I climbed onto his lap and wrapped my legs around his waist. My fingers tangled in his hair. “Are you serious right now?” I kissed the stubble along the bottom of his jaw. “You left your family on Christmas Eve to be with us.” I kissed his cheek and then the corner of his mouth. “You apologized to both of us for leaving when I was the one who made you go. You are my gift.” I kissed the opposite corner of his mouth and then ran my tongue along his bottom lip. “But there is one other thing I’d like from you this Christmas.”

  “What’s that, baby?” Dean rasped out.

  “You.” I pressed myself against his hardness. I had never been so sure of anything in my life. “Make love to me tonight. I want you, Dean.”

  His eyes flared, and he flipped me over so that I was underneath his embrace. “I’ll give you anything you want.”

  He crashed his mouth against mine, our tongues sliding together. He pulled my shirt off, and I yanked his over his head. Two seconds later my bra was unclasped and tossed across the room. We settled, chest to chest, and skin to skin. He bent down, sucking on my breasts, running his tongue over my nipples until I pulled at his hair. My body sang, every nerve ending alive. My heart raced with anticipation.

  I unbuttoned his jeans, pulling them off as he unbuttoned and unzipped mine. Our lips stayed fused, our hands hurried, as we rid ourselves of the last of our clothes.

  It was time. We were ready.

  His fingers caressed me, circling and rubbing as I moved beneath him. “Please, now. Please,” I begged. My body had never been so ready before.

  His grin was sexy as hell. He reached over to his jeans and pulled a condom from his wallet. He moved fast, ripping open the package and rolling it onto himself. I was glad he hadn’t asked me to do that. My hands shook, and my excitement made me giddy.

  Dean propped himself up on his elbows, eyes glued to mine. “I love you, Grace. Thank you for letting me get to love you. I’m so damn lucky.”

  I couldn’t hold back a grin as my eyes filled with happy tears. He slid inside me, inch by inch, and I gasped. I felt every minute of the five years that had passed since I had been with a guy. Those times as a teenager were uncertain, unsure, and unskilled. Being with Dean, someone who had more experience than I wanted to think about but also had confidence and a steady and sure adoration of me, was unparalleled. He moved above me, lifting my hips and helping me find a rhythm that sent a building sensation rushing through me.

  Somewhere in the distance I heard my voice chant Dean’s name. His eyes never left mine, hooded, dark, and heated. I ran my hands up his back, slick with sweat, and over his arms, taut and tense as he held himself up.

  I felt like I was in a tunnel, dark and narr
ow until the world exploded around me in bursts of color. He swallowed my sounds with his mouth as I came, and I allowed my body to indulge in every second of the pleasure I felt.

  I had no clue. None.

  Sex with the man that I loved with an earth-shattering ferocity was mind-blowing.

  “Grace, my God. Grace.” I couldn’t tear my eyes from Dean. His jaw set, his eyes narrowed into slants, and I watched as he stilled, threw his head back and groaned, his orgasm overtaking him.

  He collapsed onto me. I wrapped myself around him, arms and legs and body and soul. He was mine. I would love him forever. I knew that in the same way I knew the sky was blue.

  We held each other in silence, catching our breath and stroking our sweaty skin for a long time. Dean ran his hands up and down my back, and I pressed kisses to his chest. Finally we pulled away, and lay side by side on our backs, only the lights from the Christmas tree illuminating the room.

  “I don’t want this night to end. I don’t want to leave this apartment.” He kissed my lips. “But I have to. Just know in the coming months when you need me, I’m here.”

  I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I have two favorite guys in this world now. Two gifts. Merry Christmas, Dean.”

  “Best night of my life, baby. Merry Christmas, Red.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Dean

  “OKAY, REMIND ME of everyone’s names one more time.” Grace pulled on her fingers, knotting and unknotting them.

  I looked in the rearview mirror. Finn was still asleep. He had woken us up at the crack of dawn, jumping onto our blanket bed and screaming out, “Merry Christmas!”

  Finn tore through his presents like a man on a mission. He had new books, movies, trucks, dinosaurs, and of course, superheroes. With Amy’s assistance, Finn had bought a few gifts for Grace. Perfume and a homemade coupon book made Grace so happy. I didn’t quite get the concept of a homemade coupon book until I paged through. Grace could choose from free hugs, kisses, breakfast in bed, no complaining toy pickups, table setting, and more. It was pretty fucking cute.