Becoming His

by Mariah Dietz

  “Max, stop! Max! Get out!”

  The lumbering of heavy footfalls tells me that he isn’t accepting her proposal to wait. The bedroom door swings open and the lights flash back on.

  “Oh, babe.” Max’s voice sounds pained as he instantly makes his way to the bed with an outstretched arm.

  I scurry off the bed and stand as far away from him as possible. “Get out, Max.” I demand, trying to sound fierce, but my voice is hoarse and thick with tears.

  “Babe, please talk to me.”

  I shake my head, making the throb intensify. “I have nothing to say to you, Max. You need to go.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “I can’t do this,” I whisper.

  “No, Ace, she’s nothing! Nothing!”

  “I’m nothing!” The words leave me in a shriek. “I saw you! I saw you kiss her!”

  Max’s face blanches. “I didn’t—”

  “Go, Max.” I don’t bother with wiping my tears away; they’re coming so fast it would be a wasted effort. Plus, I don’t want to draw attention to my hands shaking like an addict experiencing withdrawals.

  “Ace, we need to talk about this.”

  “Go, Max,” I repeat.

  He takes a couple of steps closer to edge of the bed and reaches out to touch me again. “Don’t touch me!” I snap, pulling away from him angrily.

  He freezes and looks at me, panic stricken. I use his hesitation to walk past him and head to the bathroom. After locking the door, I sink to the ground, let my head fall to my knees, and cry.

  A few moments later I hear Kendall and Max arguing in hushed voices.

  A short time later the front door shuts, the lock turns, and I hear Kendall softly pad to the bathroom door where she quietly assures me that he’s gone.

  The next day I feel and look like hell. Kendall makes me chocolate chip pancakes, but I have no appetite. She doesn’t bother asking for any additional details about what I’d seen. Apparently she’s pieced together enough of it with my screaming fit last night.

  I had turned my phone off on our way home last night, but Kendall’s phone has been going crazy with calls and messages all morning. She silences it, not bothering to reply to any of them.

  The following day I begrudgingly turn my phone back on so I can send a text to Abby so she doesn’t freak out since I haven’t been home. I ignore the multitude of messages that I see as it comes to life and quickly shoot her a text before turning it back off.

  On Monday I still feel like hell, and I look even worse. Kendall still hasn’t spoken to anyone, refusing to answer Jameson’s calls even though I plead with her not to let my issues affect her relationship. I know she feels that he’s betrayed me, and by doing so, her as well.

  We spend the day lounging around, still not showering as we wallow and watch chick flicks and barely speak. As our third movie of the day ends, I sit up and brush a hand over my hair, feeling the throb of my headache which has taken permanent residency since Friday night. “I need to go get my laptop,” I explain.

  “At Max’s?” Kendall asks, already knowing the answer. “Do you want me to go with you?”

  “Only if you want to talk to Jameson, otherwise you’ll just make me a bigger target.” I climb off the bed and straighten my clothes. “I’m hoping they’ll be at the gym or something.”

  “It doesn’t make sense, Ace.”

  “I know.” I drop back down beside her and put my head in my hands. “But it’s never made sense for Max to be interested in me. She looks like the girls that he’s always liked. I—”

  “Don’t you dare doubt yourself! You are a hundred times more beautiful than that tramp!”

  I know she’s lying, but I don’t bother calling her on it. What’s the point? I borrow a pair of Kendall’s flip flops and walk over to my apartment looking like a disheveled mess.

  “Are you okay?” I inwardly groan hearing Nate’s voice as I climb the apartment stairs.

  A humorless laugh slips between my teeth, my gaze stretched to the sky. “Peachy.”

  “Ace, I’m serious. Are you okay?” He stops in front of me, blocking the stairs.

  My attention snaps to Nate. “I’m fine! Get away from me,” I demand.

  “I can help you.”

  “I don’t need help! Especially not from you!” I slide beside him to continue up the stairs.

  I quickly use Kendall’s spare key to unlock my apartment and disappear inside.

  A note from Abby is on the fridge, asking me to call her. I know Kendall’s spoken to her, mostly via text, likely because she’s telling her what a wreck I am and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.

  I retreat to my room and take a shower, dissecting mine and Max’s relationship and looking for every minuscule crack. By the time that I’m dressed, I feel even worse.

  I put away my hair dryer, which leads me to reorganizing all of my bathroom drawers.

  An hour later as I finish reorganizing my bookshelf, I realize we still have Jameson’s car, and mine’s still there. They know that I’ll have to come back. I groan and drop back to my bed as I turn my phone on so I can tell Kendall that I’m coming over. As I do, my phone receives a message from Wes that I contemplate ignoring before I open it.

  Wes: Acester I’m worried about u- I’m ur friend 2- please talk 2 me

  Me: I’m good. I’ll see you tomorrow in class.

  I quickly text Kendall and turn my phone back off.

  I pull on some jeans, a sweatshirt, and my Converse as I repeatedly recite that this isn’t a big deal. Everything’s going to be fine.

  But it is a big deal. It’s a very big deal.

  After getting keys from Kendall, I sit in Jameson’s car, telling myself the plan. In and out. I can do this.

  “I need to stop repeating mantras. This should be my new mantra,” I say to the empty car as I back out and head toward Max’s.

  As soon as I pull up, the front door opens and my heart stops with anticipation. Thankfully it’s Landon and I open the car door. I know already from the inventory of vehicles in the driveway that Max is here, unless he took his motorcycle, which is always housed in the garage.

  “What do you know, it’s a Bosse,” Landon says, taking a few steps toward me. “I was hoping you guys would show up soon so I could figure out what in the hell happened.”

  I stop at the hood of the car, not certain of what he knows.

  “Seriously, all hell has broken out in there. What’s going on?”

  “What happened?” I ask, avoiding his question and feigning ignorance.

  “Jameson is ready to kill Max, and Max hasn’t said five words since I’ve been home.”

  I shake my head, giving him my best look of innocence. There’s no way I’m going to explain things. I’ll let Max take care of that. “I just came by to get my schoolbag and car,” I explain, taking a deep breath and heading to the front door as Landon walks to his car.

  “Well if anyone can help get Max out of his mood, it’s you. I hope you fix him before I’m back.”

  I offer a weak smile and open the door without bothering to knock, not wanting to draw attention to myself. I know I won’t get lucky enough to get in and out unnoticed, but a small piece of me hopes that it’s possible.

  Guilt slowly fills my chest at the sight of the mess from the party debris. Half-empty cups, plates with encrusted crumbs, a stray flip flop, and random articles of clothes litter the house. I work to shove it down and focus on my reason for being here.

  I slowly make my way upstairs and face Max’s closed bedroom door. I hadn’t even considered her being here. Would she be here? Shit, I can’t do this! I begin to turn around, but my foot snags on a stray shirt that I’d stepped over on my way here. My arm slams against the wall, making a ridiculous amount of noise as I work to right myself.

  Max’s door flies open and he stands in his doorway, staring at me in surprise. I consider fleeing, the stairs are so close, but my keys, along with all of my school t
hings that I need are in his room.

  I stand straighter and square my shoulders. “I need my things.”

  He swallows and then reaches down and grabs the loose shirt that I’d tripped on and tosses it over the railing before waving me into his room.

  I have to mentally instruct myself to move and make my way by Max, barely brushing against his chest with my shoulder. The state of disarray his room is in catches me off guard. I’ve never seen his room anything but military clean, almost bare, yet today clothes are strewn everywhere and the pillows and comforter are tangled and wadded up on the floor. Nothing appears to have been broken, thankfully, but it amazes me how messy his room has become with such few items.

  I take a few more steps inside and round the bed to find all my things are gone.

  “Ace, I just need you to talk to me. You don’t even have to talk, you can listen and I’ll talk.”

  “I’ll save you the trouble. You were drinking. She was hot. You kissed her. I know that there’s more, I know you’ve known her a while, but really I’d prefer to not know the details. In this case I think I’d prefer to be in the dark.”

  “That’s not what happened!” Max cries, extending his arm and brushing his fingers against my elbow for an instant before I pull away and shoot him a glare.

  “I watched! I saw you in the backyard. I saw her come over and shove her ginormous boobs on you and then watched you guys kiss. You kissed her, Max! I saw it! Don’t tell me that’s not what happened.” I’ve never been someone that raises my voice, but the words leave me at a yelling volume as I throw a pillow across the room.

  “Ace, I … I need you to just listen to me for a few minutes, okay? Just hear me out.”

  “Where are my things? I just need my laptop and my purse. The rest I couldn’t care less about.” I rummage through a pile of laundry, absently wondering once more how in the hell his room has become so messy.

  “I’ve known Lacey since high school,” Max begins, and I shake my head violently, indicating for him to stop. “We used to date off and on.”

  I place my hands over my ears. I know that the act is childish, but I can’t stop it. The idea of hearing about their past threatens to crush me.

  “Just listen to me, Ace. I know how your mind works. You want to know every spec of information about things so you can overanalyze the shit out of them until you feel like you understand it. I’m trying to give you the pieces! I just need you to listen to me!”

  “I don’t want to hear it! I feel like an idiot right now! And I hurt.” My voice cracks with my last admission, and I take a deep breath as the sadness begins to overshadow my anger. “I don’t want to know more, because I can’t take more right now.” My eyes drop from the ceiling to look at him for a fleeting second before they fall to the ground.

  “I want to make it better!” Max pleads, quietly taking a cautious step toward me. “I’m going fucking crazy here trying to understand what happened and how to get you to understand it.”

  “If you don’t understand it, do you really think I’m going to? When you told me that you wanted us to be close emotionally in case you did something to piss me off, this wasn’t the type of situation I had in mind. I told you, Max, I’m not this kind of person. If you wanted to make out with her, or do whatever in the hell else you did with her, then just respect me enough to end things.”

  “Nothing else happened!” he yells. He takes a deep breath and hangs his head before I feel him looking at me again. “Ace, I’ve been honest with you from the beginning. I’m not lying to you when I tell you that I have no interest in her. At all. I have no interest in anyone besides you! I haven’t even looked at another girl!” I watch from the corner of my eye as he throws his hands up in the air and rakes them through his hair several times.

  “I love you, Ace, and I know, I know that you love me. Please. Please, just let me explain!” I stop digging through another pile of clothes and turn my attention to him.

  “I’ve known Lacey since I was sixteen. We dated off and on for a couple of years until I moved up to Alaska. She found out that I was home and stopped by in June. I hadn’t even seen you yet. You were still in France. When you and I started hanging out I was dating her. I tried ignoring you. I didn’t want to like you, but by then it was too late. We broke up at the end of June, long before you and I started dating because I knew I had feelings for you, and I knew that if I saw other people at the same time I’d screw things up.” Max pauses and looks at me for a response, and I feel steel walls erecting around me as I try to keep myself still and listen, looking unfazed.

  “What about Felicia?”

  “Felicia and I never slept together! I just needed a distraction from you. I explained this to you before we started dating. Then I gave you as much time as you wanted after you finally broke up with that fuck face, and during that time I didn’t see anyone else.”

  I replay his initial statement, and the words hit me like a slap to my face. “You didn’t want to like me?” Before I can contemplate the reasoning, I begin mentally comparing myself to Lacey. I’m sure that anytime Lacey goes out, she’s put together, similar to my mom and sisters. I know the type well: hair, nails, and makeup pristine, always wearing cute and fashionable clothes that match her purse and accessories. I look down at my current sweatshirt and jeans and the tears begin to sting my eyes.

  “No, I didn’t. You live next door to my mom, who’s best friends with your mom. And you’re smart, and funny, and fun as hell to hang out with. And you’re ridiculously gorgeous. Girls like you go off and date the Mr. Darcy’s of the world,” Max says, referencing Pride and Prejudice, which he’d endured watching with me just a few weeks ago with few complaints.

  “I haven’t spoken to her since June, when we broke up.” I feel Max’s eyes on me, willing me to look up at him, but my tears threaten to fall and I really, really don’t want to cry here so I keep my eyes focused on a pile of clothes on the floor.

  “I saw her at the party and told her to go outside so I could talk to her because I wanted her to get the fuck away. I didn’t want her causing problems between us.” He takes a step closer to me before he continues. “I told her that I had no interest in her anymore and that I was done.” Max stops and I hear him take a deep breath. “We used to do this thing in high school, that was so fucking stupid …” He pauses once more and without looking at him I know that he’s again running his hands through his short hair. “We used to do this game during the times we were broken up … which was a lot. If one of us wanted to get back together, instead of using our words—because we were shit with words—we’d kiss the other one to prove that we had an attraction. I know it’s fucking stupid, and I should have just walked away, but I wanted to prove to her that she means nothing to me. She kissed me, and I told her what I knew I’d feel before she did. I felt nothing because I love you.”

  I don’t know what to think. I want to believe every word he’s telling me and pretend that none of this ever happened, but doubt is an ugly, bitter fog that is sometimes impenetrable. And right now that fog is thick and dense and is breaking my heart. Tears begin cascading down my cheeks before I can stop them in heavy trails. I slide to the floor and clutch a sweatshirt lying beside me to cover my face. Amazingly, I still have tears left to cry, enough that I begin to sob.

  I feel Max’s arm wrap around my shoulders. At first I try to move away, but eventually I give up and allow him to hold me.

  “Ace, I love you. I’ve never felt the way I feel about you about anyone else,” Max says softly as the tears slowly begin to recede. I sniff and wipe my face with his sweatshirt. My head throbs once again, and my eyes feel like sandpaper. I close them and the image of Lacey kissing Max instantly fills my mind. It’s been burned to the back of my eyelids since Friday.

  “I need to find my school bag and purse,” I say in a small voice as I pull the sweatshirt from my face and stand up. As I do, I see the black strap of my purse near the corner of the bed. When I lift the
clothes covering my purse, I discover my backpack as well, looking slightly smashed.

  “Talk to me, Ace.” Max’s voice is a pleading whisper.

  “I need to go, Max.”

  “Stay, Ace. Just stay here,” he begs. “I just need you to stay with me. This running freaks me out.”

  “Right now I just need to be alone.”

  “I don’t want you to leave. I’m terrified that if you do, you’re going to go and think of every single reason you don’t think we’ll work and you’ll focus on those until you convince yourself that we can’t be together.”

  I lift up his sweatshirt that I’d cried into and hold it out in front of me. “Consider this your collateral.”

  I head to the door. I can’t make any other promises right now.

  “Ace …” My name is a nearly plea on his lips.

  “I just need some time, Max, and I really need you to respect that.” I turn and walk down the stairs with my bags and his sweatshirt in my arms, my face tight from crying again.

  As I get halfway down, I see Jameson and Landon sitting silently in the living room, staring at me with a look of sorrow. I’m not sure if Landon heard everything. I thought he’d left, but regardless, their expressions confirm they heard enough.

  None of us say a word.

  Getting in my car, I slap on my sunglasses to hide my blotchy, tear-stained face and head back to my apartment.

  I go to Kendall’s first. I don’t have any desire to share Lacey and Max’s past with her, but I want her to know that Jameson had no knowledge of the situation. She makes a few attempts to get me to discuss the details of my discussion with Max, but I dismiss them and insist she contact Jameson.

  For the rest of the week I intently focus on school and preparing for finals; I don’t go to the track at all, not wanting to risk running into Max. Pink peonies are delivered to the apartment every day, and he calls and texts me nearly hourly. I ignore them all.

  Abby’s been staying with Jesse, but she comes home to be with me, and I ignore her so she doesn’t feel obliged to coddle me. The last thing I want to do is make everyone else suffer along with me. She ignores my attempts to shut her out and glues herself to my side, offering entertainment and distractions with getting out of the apartment and staying busy. I turn her down each time, and she rallies against me, putting in movies and lying in my bed with me each night.