by Dianne Drake
Then days later, when she had been back home, back in her same old routine, her dreams had been of Matt, and now, seeing him again—Ellie sighed, trying to get hold of herself. Letting herself be seduced by the memories wasn’t why she was here. Still, seeing him undressed and sprawled across the bed...the memories simply wouldn’t quit, try as she may to put them out of her head. But Matt was the substance of the most powerful, potent memories she’d ever had because he was the only one who’d ever found his way into the place she’d never allowed anyone to enter.
“Well, first let me listen to your chest. Make sure nothing’s rattling around in there.” Ellie had her listen, was convinced he was good, then went on to his blood pressure, which was perfect, despite the circumstances. Looked in his eyes, she saw nothing there, at least no popped blood vessels even though there was some swelling around his eye now. All while trying to keep her breath steady, keep her goose-bumps at bay, keep her fingers from wandering to places they had no business being. Places she had wandered to before.
Focus, Ellie told herself as she returned to his ribs. They still worried her, since there was no way to have a look at them. Suppose one had cracked? It could cause a fluid build-up, eventually lead to a collapsed lung. And he didn’t necessarily have to show symptoms for that to happen. “I’m going to listen to your chest again, then go back over your ribs. I’m afraid I might have—”
Matt held up his hand to stop her. “Is this why you left nursing? Because you second-guessed yourself?”
“There was always so much at risk.”
“And you didn’t have the confidence to believe you were good enough to take care of it?”
“I was good in the academic sense when I was a student, but once I was on the hospital floor it all seemed too important.”
“And what you’re doing now isn’t important?”
“It is important, but in a different way. While I was a nurse, the decisions I made were...costly. People counted on them, and what I did affected lives. You know, life or death situations. What I do now... My decisions are important, but in a different way. I make decisions, but the outcome isn’t as crucial because I have fact checkers and art editors who nit-pick everything we produce. In the hospital, there was no one to come behind me to make sure what I was doing was correct.”
“Is that the way you were raised? Always in doubt of your decisions? Always with someone looking over your shoulder, nit-picking?”
“Not from the nannies and tutors. But my mother never thought I was good enough—at least, not as good as her—and she questioned everything I did or said. Always for my own good, she’d tell me. She would also tell me she was preparing me to take over her company someday, which wasn’t what I wanted.”
“Hence you chose nursing.”
“Yeah. Medicine had never crossed my mind, but I wanted to break away from her, do something totally different with my life. Only what I chose didn’t give me the confidence I lacked.” Ellie sat down on the edge of the bed next to him.
“There was a baby—blue baby, actually. Not breathing. The mother was bleeding out and the whole medical team was focused on saving her. But they handed me the baby, and it was up to me to resuscitate him. I tried, Matt. I really tried. But he never did breathe. So in the end the mother lived but her baby didn’t, and the look on her face when she found out... I resigned the next day because I did my best and I couldn’t...”
And now he knew her deepest fear.
“Fix the situation?” he asked, reaching out to take her hand. “It happens, Ellie. There are patients we can’t save. It’s not easy, and sometimes it’s so downright gut-wrenching that all you want to do is crawl off somewhere and cry. I know. I’ve been there too many times. And, yes, I’ve been the one who has crawled off and cried. But then there are the ones we do save. The easy saves. The hard saves. The miracles. And so many that fall in between. While they never make up for the ones we lose, the ones we save are the reason we keep trying.”
“Except I didn’t. I gave up. I couldn’t save him and I...” She shook her head. “I couldn’t go through that again.”
“I know it’s a harsh reality to face, and I’m sorry it happened. But you didn’t give up. At least, not your compassion or your love of medicine. You simply took a different route, sort of like what I’m doing now. It all counts. The bottom line is, Ellie, not everyone is cut out for every job. You weren’t cut out for obstetrics, but that doesn’t mean you’re not cut out to be a mother. A mother’s love and a nurse’s duty are two entirely different things. A mother’s love will always win over everything else. Including her fears.”
Not that he’d ever had a mother’s love, but in his ideal world that’s the way a mother should be. A perfect mother would be... Ellie. If only she could see that. And not just for the baby’s sake but her own.
“Except when you fail.”
“But you didn’t fail, Ellie. You were presented with a situation that wouldn’t have turned out any differently for anybody else. But somehow you’ve got the idea that you’ve got to be better than everybody else or you’re not good enough. Which just isn’t the case. I looked at some of what you do online, and you teach people, through your work, to be better doctors and nurses. You inform patients about prescriptions and health conditions. You bring understanding and caution to a very scary time in a person’s life, and that’s important. What you do is important, Ellie. Who you are is important, no matter what you’ve been brought up to believe. And as far as my ribs go, no second guesses. You were right the first time.”
“Can I at least wrap them?” she said, as a stray tear slid down her cheek.
“You can wrap anything you like,” he said. “Except I don’t have a stretch bandage here. So it’ll have to wait until morning when I open up the office.”
“Just this once, indulge me. Let me go get that. I’m fine to drive, and I do want to make sure...”
He chuckled. “Keys are in my jeans. And if you’re not back in thirty minutes, I’m coming to get you.”
“Want me to text you every five minutes just so you’ll know I’m OK?” She would have if he’d asked, even though it seemed silly. But having someone to care for her—if only for a moment—was nice.
“Just when you get there, and when you’re leaving.”
Matt smiled at her, and for the first time since Reno it was the smile she’d loved at the start. A smile that made all her doubts seem insignificant.
Fifteen minutes later Ellie inserted the key in Matt’s office door, went inside and turned on the light. He’d said the supplies were kept in the closet in his office so she texted him and headed straight there, determined to make this a quick trip, found what she was looking for, texted him again, then headed straight out.
On the way, though, she paused to smile at the fax machine—a very old one. Old technology—it figured. She wondered, if Matt stayed long enough, whether he would upgrade. Then she remembered several different computers, tables and such she’d put into storage in her own company after they’d upgraded. She’d intended to donate them somewhere but hadn’t gotten around to it. Would Matt benefit from some of what she had? She’d ask him, because, seriously, a fax machine...
Except the fax had a sheet of paper on it. Someone had faxed him. Without thinking about it, Ellie pulled it out, intending to take it to him since it might be important, and his odds of even coming to the office tomorrow were slim. And, yes, she looked at it. Not to be nosy but simply because it was in her hand. What she saw was her name at the top, as the patient, followed by her lab results.
Ellie’s first impression was that had been a mighty quick turnaround. Then curiosity got the best of her so she looked at the results. Nothing had changed much from her last lab work. Except what was printed in red, which was the lab’s indicator that something was wrong. It was her relaxin number, and it was above two. Halfway to three, actu
ally. Her hands started to shake. That was more than twice the norm. Which meant she was in trouble. As was her pregnancy, and her baby.
CHAPTER SEVEN
MATT WAS SLEEPING by the time Ellie got back with the bandage, and she debated disturbing him. But if, by some chance, he did have a broken rib or two, he needed to have them bandaged. So she stood in the doorway of the casita for a moment, watched him sleep, with the sheet pulled up to his waist now and his bare abs exposed.
And with the lab results in her pocket. She knew she should tell him right off, but now didn’t seem the time to bother him with any of this. Tomorrow would be another day, and the results would keep.
“Matt,” she said, crossing over to the bed, “I’ve got the bandage.” But he didn’t answer, he was sleeping so soundly. She tried again, this time giving him a little nudge on the shoulder. The ice pack had slipped off his jaw and melted into a puddle in the bed near his face. “I really need to get this thing on you.”
He opened his eyes slowly, attempted to smile up at her but winced then rubbed his jaw. “I think the bed might be a little wet,” he said, sliding over enough to avoid the damp area. “Meant to get up and change the ice but—”
“The only thing you need to do is co-operate with me. I can change the bed after I’ve got the bandage on, then you can go back to sleep.” Changing the bed with the patient still in it—one of her old nursing skills coming back. When she’d left the profession she’d had regrets but she’d never looked back. And here she was now, being a nurse again. Oddly enough, she was enjoying it more than she’d thought she would. Or maybe it was because she was taking care of Matt. “Sit up, and help me get it in place. Keep it snug, but not snug enough to hurt or do any damage.”
“You’ve got a good bedside manner,” Matt said as he struggled to help her with the bandage. Once it was in place, she slid her fingers between the bandage and his skin to make sure it wasn’t too tight, and heard him gasp.
“Pain?” Ellie asked.
“Not exactly.” Suddenly he reached up, pulled her face to his and kissed her. Gingerly. Tenderly. And only for a moment before he backed away from it. “Now, that hurt,” he said, rubbing his jaw.
“Why, Matt?” she asked, stepping back from him.
“Why does it hurt?”
“No. Why did you kiss me?”
“Spur of the moment. Impulse. Giving in to being a man with a beautiful, kissable woman fussing over his body.”
They weren’t the words Ellie wanted to hear. Although she didn’t know what she did want to hear. Maybe that he cared for her or was falling for her a little bit would have been nice. She stopped at that because anything else would have been too much wishful thinking and sad.
“That’s not who we are,” she said, moving back to the bed to fasten the end of his bandage in place, yet taking care to stay as far away from him as possible. “It wasn’t in Reno, and it’s not now.” Although the kiss had been wonderful. She remembered his kisses, remembered so many other things from those couple of days. The laughing, the talking, wrapped in the sheet dancing and a little bit drunk. So amazing. In fact, almost too amazing for the likes of two people who didn’t want commitment.
“Who we are is who we want to be.”
“Who we are, Matt, is a woman who will be returning to the corporate world shortly, and a man who’ll be returning to the battlefield. How do you make something like that work?”
Matt reached out, took hold of her hand and pulled her over to him. “By not being so rigid that we can’t enjoy the moment and accept it for what it is. Again. Two people who are crazy attracted to each other, who made a baby together because of that, who are simply looking for the right thing to do.” He forced himself into an upright position. “It’s not rocket science, Ellie. It’s simply us trying to be connected to something more than we already have.” He patted the bed beside him. “Do you want to be connected? And I don’t mean sexually right now.”
“I do,” she whispered, sitting down with him, then snuggling into his arms when he pulled her there. “But I don’t think I know how, because I’ve never really been connected to anybody before.” Except her baby, and that connection was growing inside every day.
“One step at a time, Ellie. That’s the best most of us can do. One step at a time.” With that he pulled her down into the bed, where they lay, still snuggled together. Connected.
It had been a painful sleep, but nice, having Ellie there with him. Matt had managed to take off her shoes, but hadn’t wanted to wake her up as she had been sleeping so soundly he’d known she must be exhausted, so he’d left her in her clothes, then spooned in next to her, even though it had hurt, and had listened to her gentle breathing awhile before he’d dropped off to sleep himself.
Now, if possible, he ached more than he had last night. But it was worth it, waking up while she was still asleep, still immersed in a world without worries.
Cautiously, Matt rolled over then sat on the side of the bed for a moment, trying to catch his breath, before he got up and attempted the shower. But as he rolled, so did she, pulling up the cotton shirt she wore and exposing her belly.
It was surprisingly more rounded than he’d expected, even though he’d felt it before through fabric as their baby had kicked. Round and beautiful. But now, seeing it this way, stark and naked, it was hard to imagine that his child would come from this belly. His child. Tears sprang to his eyes and he couldn’t claim them to be hormonal the way she did. But he was touched. Truly touched and overwhelmed by something as simple as a belly bump. It happened to women every day, but this was different. Matt was connected, for the first time in his life.
Matt swiped back the tears and attempted to stand. But his movements woke Ellie up, and she opened her eyes and smiled at him. “I really didn’t mean to sleep here,” she said, to his back.
He sniffed. “Did you sleep well?”
“Better than I have since, well, I don’t remember when. So, are you getting up?”
“Need a shower before I go to work.”
“You’re not up for a shower yet, Matt. And in your shape, you can’t work.”
He felt her struggle to a sitting position behind him, but still didn’t turn around to look at her. His emotions were still too wobbly for that. “Life goes on, Ellie. Sore ribs or not. People depend on me and they don’t particularly care that I have things going on in my life that might stop me from seeing them. When you need a doctor, you need a doctor.”
“And there’s no one else around you can call? A locum?”
“Easier said than done. Resources are stretched thin, and Doc Granger said that nobody likes coming out here. He’d have to make a request weeks in advance when he needed someone to cover for him. And if he needed someone in a hurry, he’d send his patient to the clinic in Whipple Creek, which is a little over a hundred miles from here. So no. There’s no one to cover for me right now, and I do have patients lined up.”
“Have you thought about bringing someone else in to help?”
“Technically, this isn’t my practice. I’m running it, not buying it. So that decision would have to be made by Doc Granger.” He gave himself a push off the bed, stopped midway to catch his breath, then finally stood. Then, and only then, did he turn around to face her, and notice her shirt was pulled back down, covering her completely. “Which means off to the shower.”
“Can I help you?” she asked, starting to scoot to the edge of the bed.
Normally, he might have jumped at the chance. He could almost feel her crammed into the shower stall with him, pressed to him, the two of them separated only by a slippery film of soap. But that wasn’t for today. Probably not for any day. So as quickly as he could, he started walking toward the bathroom. “Nope. No help needed. Except afterwards, when I’ll need help getting back into this bandage.”
“Then maybe I’ll go make us som
e juice,” she said. “And please, leave the bathroom door open so I can hear you in case you need something.”
“Sure.” It was a fast agreement, brought on by the fact that he was aroused again and he didn’t want her to know. But this was how he’d responded to her in Reno, and he supposed she already knew this was how he was responding to her here.
The shower was difficult. More bruises were showing on his body now, and the spray of the water hurt. Everything hurt. And, as Matt discovered, getting out, drying off and getting dressed wasn’t going to be easy. He was simply too stiff, too sore to move easily. But he did manage to make it back to the bed, where he sat naked, staring at nothing for what seemed an interminable amount of time, hoping his strength would return.
“Matt, you OK?” Ellie called through the casita door.
He wanted to say yes. Wanted to prove he was more than he really was at the moment. But in truth he wasn’t going to be able to wrap the bandage again, let alone get his jeans, socks and boots on. “Good,” he called back. “Getting dressed. It might take me a little while. I’m slower than I expected to be this morning.”
She entered the casita with two fruit juices in hand, set them down and walked over to him. “How long have you been sitting there—naked?”
He looked down and realized he hadn’t even bothered to cover himself with a bed sheet or towel. “Maybe ten minutes.”
“And you didn’t call me to help you dress?”
“Maybe I didn’t want to admit I was weaker than I thought.” He yanked the corner of the bed sheet across his lap.
Ellie laughed. “Men,” she said, on her way back to the casita door. “You stay where you are, and I’ll get you some clean clothes, then I’ll help you get dressed. Oh, and as for the rest of your day, I’ll cancel your appointments because you, Dr. McClain, get to spend the day sitting down with your feet propped up.”
