The Big Kahuna

by Janet Evanovich

  Jasper shook his head and threw up his hands. “Do riti. Sprosté kozy. We’ll never find him now.” He fired a couple rounds in the general direction of the cows, sending them scattering. “Let’s search his place, Horace.” They walked back to the house and went inside.

  “What do you think they’re looking for?” Kate whispered as she listened to the sounds of the little cottage being ransacked.

  Thirty seconds later, the noises stopped. Jasper and Horace walked outside onto the lanai.

  “Nothing,” Horace said. “But my gut tells me the old man was here. I just know it.”

  “Well, even if he was, neither of them are coming back anytime soon. We might as well just make sure he’s not hiding in the fields and call it a night.”

  “It’s pitch-black, and there must be two hundred acres to search. How are we going to do that?”

  Jasper walked over to the little carport on the side of the house, picked up a couple of ten-gallon jugs of gasoline, and handed one of them to the shorter gunman. “Burn it, Horace. Burn it all.”

  Horace grinned, put down his gun, and took the canister. “I like burning things. Maybe this night won’t be a total waste after all.”

  Nick looked at Kate. “It’s the dry season. I don’t want to be sitting in the middle of this field when it goes up in flames. I think it’s time we skedaddled.”

  Kate drew her gun. “We can’t just let them start a massive wildfire.”

  “We’re outgunned,” Nick said. “And we have no place to hide once the bullets start flying.”

  “Then let’s even the odds.” Kate looked back toward the gulch. “Plenty of hiding places in there.”

  “How are you going to get them into the jungle?”

  Kate stood up and used her cellphone to take a picture of Horace and Jasper. The flash illuminated the dark pasture for just a second, but it was enough to get their attention. “Smile, assholes,” she said before ducking back into the tall grass.

  The gunmen whipped around, looked in the direction of Kate’s voice, and dropped the gasoline jugs.

  “Now what?” Nick asked.

  “We run.”

  “That’s your big plan? Run?”

  “Let’s leave bushwhacking hired killers to me. I don’t tell you how to catch kahunas, do I?”

  They sprinted across the field, stumbling on the uneven ground, slipping on cow patties. They reached the gulch and made their way to the bottom while a spray of bullets cut through the vegetation all around them. They took cover behind a large koa tree near the waterfall.

  “All we want is the cellphone,” Jasper shouted from above. “We don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Why do these sorts of guys always say they don’t want to hurt you?” Nick said. “It’s such a cliché. Of course they want to hurt you. That’s the first thing they teach you how to do in hired-goon school.”

  Kate could hear Jasper and Horace crashing through the jungle and cursing, as they slowly made their way down the embankment.

  Kate activated the flashlight app on her phone, and threw the phone into the open clearing near the waterfall. “Come and get the phone,” she shouted at them. “It’s by the waterfall.”

  “Bait?” Nick asked her.

  “Yep. You can’t catch a fish without bait.”

  Horace and Jasper finally reached the bottom of the gulch. They cautiously walked up to the light and retrieved the cellphone.

  “Probably just a couple of dummies in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Jasper said.

  Horace nodded. “It’s a shame we’ll have to kill them.”

  Kate stepped from behind the tree and aimed her gun at Jasper. “Yeah, that would be a shame. Drop your weapons.”

  Horace and Jasper looked at each other. “She can’t shoot both of us,” Horace said.

  Jasper shrugged. “Then we each have a fifty-fifty chance. You know, Horace, I’ve always been lucky when it comes to killing.” He raised his gun, opened fire, and Kate ducked back behind the tree.

  “Well, that didn’t work out like I’d hoped,” Kate said. “Time for plan B.”

  “What’s plan B?”

  “First, we wait for one of them to run out of ammo.”

  “And then?” Nick asked.

  “Then I shoot the guy who’s still got ammo, and you whack the other guy with your nineteen-inch, three-pound Maglite. Plan B.”

  “It’s friggin’ dark in this stupid gulch. How am I supposed to see some idiot replace his clip?”

  “Good point. I’m changing plan B.” Kate stepped out from behind her tree, arms in the air, gun still in one hand. “Hey!” she said. “Can we talk?”

  Jasper and Horace moved forward out of the shadows, and Kate shot Jasper first and Horace second.

  Nick rushed at Horace and smacked him square in the face with the Maglite. Horace fell backward into Jasper, and the two of them tumbled into the stream and over the waterfall edge.

  Kate ran to the cliff and peered over the side. Jasper was clinging to a small ledge about twenty feet down, and Horace was clinging to Jasper. “They’re okay,” Kate said to Nick.

  The ledge gave way, and the two gunmen fell, disappearing into the darkness before splashing into the water below.

  “Whoops,” Nick said.

  Kate aimed her flashlight at the pool at the base of the waterfall. Horace and Jasper dragged themselves out of the water and collapsed on the side of the bank.

  “They’re alive, but they’re going to need a whole bottle of Extra-Strength Advil when they get back to the ship,” Kate said.

  “Buttercup, you shot them and knocked them off an eighty-foot waterfall. I think they’re going to need the whole pharmacy,” Nick said.

  “I shot them both in noncritical body parts. You were the one who got carried away and smashed your Maglite into Horace’s face and knocked them off an eighty-foot cliff.”

  “I was just following instructions,” Nick said, trudging after Kate as she fought her way through the underbrush to the top of the gulch. “You told me to whack him with my Maglite.”

  “That was before I decided I had time to shoot both of them.”

  “Has anybody ever told you that you’re lacking in communication skills?” He stopped and picked up Kate’s cellphone. “Lucky for you they dropped this.”

  They reached the grotto of ironwood trees and the ice cream truck.

  “Good old Mr. Freezy,” Kate said. “Haunted or not, I’m happy to see it here.”

  8

  At 8 A.M., Kate woke up to the sound of Nick singing “Mr. Blue Sky” in the outside shower. She got out of bed, changed from her tie-dyed pajamas into denim overalls and a white T-shirt, and checked her cellphone. There were three texts. The first was a selfie of Cosmo enjoying a mai tai during check-in. The second was a selfie of Cosmo’s view from his lanai. The third was a selfie of Cosmo at the breakfast buffet.

  Nick walked into the yurt, wearing board shorts and a fitted Billabong rash guard. “Got up at sunrise and walked back to Hamilton’s place. It’s still a mess, and I’m guessing he’s not planning on coming back for a while.”

  “We know he’s a surfer. Maybe Dad will spot him at one of the surf spots near Lahaina. Meantime, let’s track down the owner of the Carpe Diem and see if we can figure out who hired Horace and Jasper.”

  Her cellphone buzzed and she squelched a grimace at the caller ID. It was Cosmo.

  “I thought I was going to get your voicemail,” Cosmo said. “Did you get my texts? You didn’t respond, so I wasn’t sure you got them.” He paused to catch his breath. “The Four Seasons Wailea is awesome. There’s a guy who walks around poolside and gives you fruit Popsicles and spritzes you with Evian water. It’s all free, even the spritzing. I’ve probably been spritzed at least ten times since I got here. I never knew how much I liked getting
spritzed, but there you have it.”

  “That’s great, Cosmo.”

  “I just thought you’d want to know.”

  “About the spritzing? It sounds terrific.”

  “Oh, it is. You’ve got to try it,” Cosmo said. “But I meant about Vicky and Larry. They’re here at the hotel. I saw them at the breakfast buffet.”

  “We’ll be right there,” Kate said and ended the call.

  “And?” Nick asked.

  “Vicky and Larry are at the Four Seasons. Cosmo spotted them. Maybe Vicky has something to do with Jasper and Horace.”

  “Possibly,” Nick said.

  “But you don’t think she’s the type to hire hit men?”

  “I don’t think she’s the type to hire Czech hit men. Olga Zellenkova, on the other hand . . .”

  “How do you know they were Czech?”

  Nick shrugged. “I don’t, but they were cursing in Czech last night.”

  “You speak Czech?”

  “Just the curse words. For some reason, I tend to get cursed out a lot.”

  Kate hooked her thumbs into the overalls. “I can’t imagine why.”

  “Whether Jasper and Horace work for her or not, she didn’t fly all the way to Maui just for a vacation. She’s here for the Kahuna.”

  “Hamilton’s in the wind, so there’s no sense sticking around here,” Kate said. “Let’s get in our haunted ice cream truck and drive to Wailea.”

  Kate and Nick walked through the ironwoods and found Mr. Freezy still parked near the sign.

  “Maybe it’s only haunted at night,” Nick said as Kate got into the driver’s seat.

  Kate turned the ignition and waited for the backfire before bumping down the dirt road on her way to the main highway. Once they’d turned toward Paia, Kate tilted her head and adjusted her rearview mirror to get a better look at the back of the truck. “Did you hear that?”

  “The creepy moaning coming from the freezer chest in the back? Yeah, I heard it.”

  Kate pulled over to the side of the road. They got out, walked to the back of the truck, and stared at the freezer chest.

  The compressor wasn’t running, and the lid was ajar.

  Kate rapped on the lid. “Anybody home in there?”

  “It could be a ghost,” Nick said. “I hear if you get too close they might eat your face.”

  Kate flipped the lid open, and they stared in at Hamilton.

  “Hey, bud,” Hamilton said, looking up at Kate.

  “Hey, yourself. What are you doing in our ice cream truck?”

  “Mostly getting carsick. I was ready to hurl when you stopped. You’re the newbies in the yurt, right?”

  “Right,” Kate said.

  “I live across the gulch from you. Had kind of a rough night and needed a place to crash.” He paused. “I’m, like, famished. Do you have any French toast? We should stop in Paia and get some French toast.”

  “We’re on our way to Wailea.”

  Hamilton headed for the jump seat. “Great. They have French toast there too.”

  Kate got in the driver’s seat and pulled back onto the highway. “We heard gunfire last night. Is everything okay?”

  “These two barneys tried to kill me and trashed my house. That’s why I hid in the chest.” He looked around the truck. “This is a sweet ride, unless you’re in the back in a freezer chest.” He held out his hand to Nick. “I’m Hamilton Wylde.”

  Nick gave him a fist bump. “Nick Lodeon.” He gestured toward Kate. “This is my fiancée slash lover, Rain. I don’t like to brag, but she’s the best darn candlemaker in Hawaii.”

  Kate gripped the steering wheel with both hands and stared straight ahead.

  “She gives real tense vibes. Does she want some weed?” Hamilton asked.

  “Do you want some weed, Sweetie Poo?” Nick asked.

  Kate forced a smile. “I’m good.”

  “Maybe after the French toast,” Nick said to Hamilton. “Why’d they want to kill you?”

  “I think they were looking for my dad. He’s in trouble.”

  Kate turned her head toward the back. “Do you know where he is?”

  “Top secret, dude. That’s, like, on a need-to-know basis, and you don’t need to know.”

  Kate drove through Paia, passed the airport, and turned south on Route 311 toward the resorts in Wailea.

  “Can you drop me off in Kihei?” Hamilton asked. “There’s a killer diner right in town.”

  Kate drove into town, followed Hamilton’s directions to the diner, and idled Mr. Freezy in the parking lot. “Maybe you should stay at our place until at least Friday, just in case those two guys come back,” Kate said.

  “Friday. Good thinking, dude.” He got out of the truck and scratched his stomach. “What day is it today?”

  “Wednesday.”

  “Awesome,” Hamilton said. “Can you pick me up later? I’ll be hanging out at the Kalama Beach Park all day.”

  “We’ll be back at five,” Kate said.

  Kate pulled out of the parking lot and drove down South Kihei Road. “At least, we know the Big Kahuna is still alive and likely hiding in Hawaii. Now all we have to do is convince Hamilton to tell us where.”

  “Before Horace and Jasper find him.”

  “Or Vicky.”

  Kate took a hard right onto Wailea Alanui Drive and descended the winding road with its grassy median separating her from oncoming traffic into the resort community of Wailea. The street was lined with flowering bushes, tropical trees, golf courses, multimillion-dollar condos, and five-star resorts.

  “This is the hot tourist section, at the moment,” Nick said. “Some old-timers prefer Lahaina, but Wailea has arguably the best beaches, the best weather, the best shopping, and the newest hotels.”

  Kate turned into the Four Seasons Resort and parked in front of the porte cochere. A valet dressed in white hurried over to her, opened her door, and smiled. “Welcome to the Four Seasons.”

  Kate and Nick got out of the truck and handed the keys to the valet. “Please be extra careful with my haunted ice cream truck,” Nick said. “It’s one of a kind.”

  The valet nodded solemnly, just as if he drove haunted ice cream trucks every day. He turned the key in the ignition and the truck backfired. A group of Chinese tourists ducked and were engulfed in a cloud of black smoke, before the valet chugged away toward short-term parking.

  “Holy schnikes,” Kate said as she walked into the hotel. “This is where I want to go on my pretend honeymoon.”

  The vast open-air lobby, constructed almost entirely from natural stone, was filled with contemporary artwork and tropical floral arrangements. A gentle ocean breeze blew through the lively little bar in back, toward the immaculate reception desk and hotel entrance.

  “I kind of thought we’d go on an African photographic safari for our honeymoon,” Nick said. “Botswana is amazing, and we could go to Kenya afterward and climb Kilimanjaro.”

  “It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into our pretend marriage.”

  Nick moved in a little closer to Kate. “Let’s just say I have a rich fantasy life. You’ll find out all about it on our pretend wedding night.”

  Cosmo ran up to them from the other side of the lobby. “Isn’t this place great? Why are you wearing overalls? Vicky’s in a private cabana by the pool. Have you had breakfast? I ran out of sunscreen. Why are you wearing overalls?”

  Kate took a deep breath. “The place is great, we’ll go to the gift shop later and buy you some sunscreen, and I’m dressed like this because I’m undercover.”

  Cosmo stared at Kate. “As a groupie for a Seattle grunge band?”

  “I’m a hemp-farming candlemaker.”

  Cosmo nodded. “Oh, of course. That makes more sense. You’re a dead ringer.”

/>   Kate shook her head at Nick. “Let’s just go see Vicky.”

  Cosmo led them down a flight of stairs. An enormous glass-tiled pool sparkled in the morning sun, while attendants in white shirts brought towels to the growing throng of guests settling into the surrounding lounges and cabanas.

  Kate scanned the pool deck. “Where’s Vicky?”

  “There are three pools. She’s at the Serenity Pool in a cabana,” Cosmo said.

  The Four Seasons’ Serenity Pool was located a short walk away in a private, quiet area of the resort with amazing views of the island of Lanai. A sign reminded guests that they needed to be at least twenty-one years of age to use the pool and the two hot tubs. Vicky was sitting at the swim-up bar, in a barely there bikini, nursing a mimosa and taking selfies.

  She was scrolling through the pictures on her cellphone when Nick, Kate, and Cosmo sat down across from her on the dry side of the bar. Vicky gave them a finger wave and showed Cosmo one of her bikini shots. “What do you think? Is it a hottie or a nottie?”

  Cosmo looked at the picture. “It’s a nice bathing suit, but it’s giving you a wedgie. I can’t wear anything that gives me a wedgie on account of my hemorrhoids.”

  Vicky moved the picture to her saved folder. “It’s supposed to look like that. It’s a Brazilian cut thong. It goes with my Brazilian wax job. Men get them too. You should try it,” Vicky said to Cosmo. “It’ll make your junk look bigger.”

  “I don’t know,” Cosmo said. “On the one hand, I’d like to have bigger junk, but it also might make my hemorrhoids bigger.” He turned to Kate. “What do you think?”

  “Okay. Switching subjects,” Kate said, turning to Vicky. “You don’t seem very surprised to see us. Don’t you want to know what we’re doing here?”

  “Probably the same thing I’m doing. Looking for my technically dead husband.”

  “At the Four Seasons?”

  “Hamilton used the emergency credit card his father gave him to book an oceanfront suite. Visa called the house to confirm it wasn’t a fraudulent charge. Anyway, I figured it was for his father, since Hamilton almost never uses the card.”