The Big Kahuna

by Janet Evanovich

  “If he’s staying at the Four Seasons, he probably isn’t dead, even technically.”

  Vicky sighed. “I guess. I bribed a guy in Reception for the Kahuna’s room number and sent Larry to watch his suite. There’s no sign of him, coming or going. He hasn’t even gotten room service since we got here last night.”

  “It’s still possible he might be dead then,” Cosmo said. “I mean, just saying. Or he could just be in a coma. Or he could have brought some granola bars with him. I do that sometimes. It’s always good to have a granola bar on hand.”

  Vicky put her hand on Cosmo’s arm. “Bless your heart. You’re sweet to suggest he could be dead.”

  “Only one way to find out,” Kate said. She got up and ushered Nick, Cosmo, and Vicky out of the bar and back into the hotel. “Where’s the Kahuna’s room?”

  Vicky led them through a maze of elevators and corridors to the fourth-floor ocean-view rooms. “He’s over there in the corner suite, but where’s my worthless lawyer?”

  Nick picked up a shiny Italian loafer, lying in front of the Kahuna’s half-open vandalized door. “Size nine. I think Larry may have been taken, per se.”

  Vicky scrunched up her nose. “Who would want to kidnap Larry? I’m pretty much the only person who can stand him. And I can’t stand him.”

  “Two mercenaries tried to kill Hamilton last night,” Kate said. “I think they were looking for the Big Kahuna. Nick thinks they may be working for Olga Zellenkova.”

  “Firecrotch stole my Larry? What a witch.”

  Kate pushed open the door and peered inside. The room had been ransacked, but there was no sign of a struggle and no personal belongings in the closets or bathroom. She picked up a couple of twenty-dollar bills left on the entertainment center. “I don’t think the Kahuna was here when they took Larry. He left a tip for housekeeping, like he was checking out.”

  Vicky looked around the room. “Crap. We just missed him. Now I have two missing losers to look for.”

  9

  Kate and Vicky waited in the lobby for hotel security, while Nick and Cosmo talked with the concierge about whether anybody had seen Larry or the Kahuna leaving the hotel.

  “You don’t really want the Big Kahuna dead, do you?” Kate asked.

  Vicky adjusted her bikini top. “Of course I want him dead. We’re married. I wouldn’t mind killing him myself.”

  “I get it.” Kate gestured toward Nick. “We’re only pretend engaged, and I want to kill him half the time.”

  “What about the other half?”

  Kate looked across the lobby at Nick in his board shorts and skin-tight rash guard. Vicky followed her lead and looked Nick up and down.

  “I know what I’d like to do to him for the other half,” Vicky said.

  Kate worried that her thoughts ran in the same direction.

  * * *

  —

  By 11 A.M., Kate and Nick had deposited Vicky back into her private cabana, left Cosmo behind to babysit, and were in their ice cream truck driving toward the western side of the island.

  “I called Dad and asked him to meet us in Lahaina Harbor,” Kate said. “Cosmo did some digging and found out that the Carpe Diem has a berth there.”

  Kate drove back through Kihei, turned left, and drove along the Honoapiilani Highway toward Lahaina. The Pacific Ocean was directly to her left, and the dry, arid land of West Maui was to her right. “It’s amazing how many different climates there are in Hawaii,” Kate said as they approached the little town. “When we woke up this morning, we were in the rainforest.”

  Nick nodded. “Lahaina means cruel sun in Hawaiian, probably because of how little rain the region gets each year. It was one of the biggest whaling towns in the Pacific. Today, the main industry is tourism, but it still has a funky old Hawaiian sea town vibe.”

  Kate drove slowly along Front Street. Ahead of her, restaurants, art galleries, souvenir shops, and crowds of tourists lined both sides of the road. She turned left, just past an enormous banyan tree occupying an entire city block, onto Hotel Street and parked by the harbor.

  Jake walked over to them and stared at the ice cream truck. “As I live and breathe, it’s a full-on hippie-mobile.” He looked at Kate. “And what the heck are you wearing?”

  Kate slid a sidewise glance at Nick. “There was a mix-up with my luggage. Some doofus switched my bag at the airport.”

  Jake shook his head. “Well, I guess so.”

  Kate handed Jake her cellphone so he could see the picture of Horace and Jasper. “I took this last night. These two mercenary types showed up at Hamilton’s house and tried to kill him. We think their boat might be here in the harbor.”

  “I might have seen them this morning in Lahaina Town,” Jake said.

  “What were they doing?”

  “Just limping up and down Front Street, checking out all the coffee shops and breakfast places. They looked like they should be in an ICU bed.”

  “They kind of accidentally on purpose fell off an eighty-foot waterfall last night.”

  Jake smiled. “I’m sure they had it coming. They should consider themselves lucky you didn’t shoot them.”

  “No. She did that too,” Nick said.

  Jake nodded. “Impressive.”

  Kate scanned the harbor, looking for the Carpe Diem, and found it tied up on the north side in an end berth. A sign out front advertised it as a charter.

  “According to Cosmo, it’s an old Hatteras fifty-two-foot motor yacht that’s been retrofitted to take tourists on underwater adventures,” Kate said. “It looked better at night in the moonlight.”

  They stood watching from a distance for a while, and when no activity was observed they moved closer and boarded the boat. The small salon’s original furnishings had been replaced with more utilitarian bench seating. Stairs led up to the cockpit, and to the right of those stairs a thin trail of blood led toward a steep set of stairs to the cabin down below.

  “I’m not liking the blood trail and the smell coming from the belowdecks cabin,” Jake said.

  “I’m thinking it smells like Larry,” Nick said.

  They crept down the stairs and stopped at the bottom. A fifty-something man with a potbelly and white hair was propped up in the corner with a captain’s hat lying next to him and a bullet hole in his head.

  “I’ve got a new theory,” Nick said. “I’m thinking the smell might belong to this guy.”

  Jake examined the body. “He’s been dead for a while. At least half a day. I’m guessing your guys hijacked the boat and killed the captain once he wasn’t useful to them anymore.”

  “Not good,” Nick said. “It’s only a matter of time before Horace and Jasper discover that Larry isn’t useful to pretty much anybody.”

  Kate looked up, just as Larry tumbled down the stairs, crumpling in a heap at the bottom.

  “Too late. We already figured that out an hour ago,” Jasper said from above and slammed the cabin door shut.

  Larry sprang up and dusted off his shiny pants. “I’m okay.”

  Kate drew her gun. “Let us out before I get mad,” she shouted at the door.

  “Sorry,” Jasper said, throwing the dead bolt. “You’re just going to have to get mad. You might want to do it quick-like, though, on account of Horace plans to take this boat out into the channel and set it on fire.”

  The engines started, and the boat moved slowly through the harbor before accelerating into the open ocean.

  Larry lifted his head and sniffed the air. “I smell gasoline, per se.”

  “They’re dousing the upper deck,” Kate said.

  Jake climbed the stairs and tried the door. “Yep. It’s locked.”

  “Stand aside,” Kate said.

  She fired two rounds into the door and paused while Jake examined the damage.

  “Not good,”
Jake said. “The rounds penetrated the wood but then went flat. The hatch has a metal core. I’ve seen these doors before. They’re fairly common and are engineered to stay locked, even in a Category Five hurricane. We’re not breaking through.”

  Kate looked around the room. It was essentially one large open space with a small galley kitchen at the rear, a small bar up front, and a sitting area in the center featuring a glass bottom for watching sea turtles, reef fish, and other marine life. There were two small portholes on either side. They were much too small to climb through.

  “We’re going to have to turn it up a notch,” Kate said. “I’m going to start at a Category Six and take it to a Category Ten real quick.”

  Nick looked at Jake. “I’ve seen Category Six Kate in action. It involves possible loss of life and catastrophic property damage.”

  Kate tapped the glass bottom with her gun butt. “Here’s our escape route. How does everyone feel about a little swim?”

  “That seems like a really bad idea,” Larry said. “We’re trapped down here. The boat will sink, and we’ll drown.”

  “Would you rather be burned alive?”

  “Good point.”

  “I’m sure this is high-impact glass,” Kate said. She looked over at her father. “You were in Special Forces no one even knew about. You know forty-three ways to kill a man with a fork. What do you know about this?”

  “I know if you keep hammering away in the same spot it will eventually break. Six or seven well-aimed shots would be a good start. Then I’d suggest the large cast iron fry pan on the galley stove to finish the job.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Kate said. “When we finally break the glass, water is going to rush into the cabin really fast. We’ll have to wait for the cabin to completely fill before we’ll be able to get past the rushing water and swim through the opening. It’s going to be dark and you might be disoriented once you’re under the boat, so just follow the bubbles to the surface.”

  “There are flashlights on the kitchen counter,” Nick said. “They look like they might be waterproof.” He tossed flashlights to Jake, Larry, and Kate and kept one for himself.

  Kate drew her gun and discharged seven rounds into the window. A spider web of hairline cracks radiated out from each of the bullet strikes. Nick stepped in with the fry pan and whacked away at the cracks. He backed off, Kate fired five more rounds, Nick two-handed the fry pan against the glass, and the spider web turned into a solid mass of fractures. A trickle of water bubbled up through the fractures.

  “One more good whack should do it,” Kate said. “Is everyone ready?”

  Nick struck the glass again, and the window shattered completely and gave way. Water exploded into the room. After half a minute, the cabin was already half filled with water and the boat was starting to sink. In another half minute, the water was so high that only Kate’s head was above it.

  “This is it,” Kate said. “Everybody take a couple deep breaths and dive.”

  Kate waited for Larry, Nick, and Jake to make their way through the window. She followed them out into the dark water, and immediately saw that Larry was panicked and struggling without his flashlight underneath the hull. Nick swooped in, grabbed Larry, and dragged him out from underneath the boat and up toward the surface.

  Kate breached the water, inhaled a deep breath of air, and helped Nick support Larry while Jake searched the sinking, smoldering boat for the emergency raft.

  “The good news is we’re alive,” Kate said. She looked off into the distance at a small boat speeding toward the harbor. “The bad news is we’re offshore in shark-infested waters, and Jasper and Horace took the Zodiac.”

  “Found the raft,” Jake yelled.

  He was bobbing in the water with what looked like a huge yellow brick. He pulled the cord, and the brick exploded into an inflatable raft. Jake and Kate scrambled in and hauled Larry on board.

  “He took in a lot of water,” Jake said. “He’s not breathing.”

  Nick climbed into the raft and watched while Jake started CPR on Larry.

  “I never realized you were such a strong swimmer,” Kate said to Nick.

  “Summer camp,” Nick said. “I had to swim across a lake to get to the girls’ side.”

  Kate had no doubt that was true, but she suspected there was also boot camp rescue-and-survival training somewhere in his history. He’d kept his head underwater, and he knew exactly what he was doing when he went after Larry.

  Larry coughed out what looked like a gallon of water and shot straight up into a sitting position. “I’m okay.”

  Nick watched the Carpe Diem sink beneath the waves and disappear. “Good thing Cosmo brought extra forms for destruction of personal property.”

  “Unfortunately, this raft didn’t come with paddles,” Kate said. “We’re going to have to hand paddle.”

  Larry started to paddle toward shore. “You saved my life,” he said to Kate. “I make a solemn oath that I will find a way to repay you, even if it takes the next twenty years. Even if I have to follow you to the ends of the Earth, per se.”

  “Gee, as amazing as that sounds, I didn’t really save you. Nick was the one who dragged you out from under the boat.”

  “Yes, but you were the leader.”

  “Maybe you could just tell me what happened with Horace and Jasper, and we’ll call it even,” Kate said.

  The look on Larry’s face showed no intention of calling it even.

  “They were searching for the Kahuna,” he told Kate. “When they couldn’t find him in the hotel room, they figured Vicky and I might know where to look next.”

  “What did you tell them?”

  “That we had no idea,” Larry said. “They took me to meet with some redhead named Olga, and I told her the same thing.”

  “I’m guessing that didn’t go over so well.”

  “She told me she believed me, but her employers hated loose ends and liked to keep things neat and tidy. That’s when she told Jasper and Horace to get rid of me, permanently.”

  “Interesting,” Kate said as she paddled. “So Olga is working for someone else.”

  “Whoever it is must be pretty dirty if he needs to hide his identity behind Zellenkova Private Equity,” Nick said.

  Larry kept paddling. “I’m in. Whatever it is that we’re doing. I have to be there for you,” Larry said to Kate. “A life for a life, per se.”

  Kate paddled harder. “Why is Olga Zellenkova so desperate to find the Kahuna?”

  Nick scanned the horizon. The Lahaina Harbor was still far away, but a couple of small boats seemed to be headed toward them. “There’s only one person on Maui who might know. What do you say we go load him up with French toast and see what we can find out?”

  * * *

  —

  It was 5 P.M. by the time Kate parked the ice cream truck at Kalama Beach Park. She was exhausted. Even with the help of a rescue boat, it had taken the better part of the afternoon to get back to Lahaina. She’d met with the Coast Guard to direct them to the wreck and the body of the Carpe Diem’s captain. She’d met with the local police and given them descriptions of Horace, Jasper, and Olga. And she’d had the longest car ride of her life, transporting an eternally grateful Larry back to Wailea. Jake had found his own way to his room at the Ritz-Carlton.

  “What if Horace and Jasper come back to the Four Seasons, looking for Vicky and Larry?” Nick asked.

  “I talked with hotel security. They’re going to keep a close watch. So long as they don’t leave the resort, they should be fine.”

  Kate and Nick got out of the truck and walked around the park looking for Hamilton. There wasn’t a sandy beach, but the park had picnic tables and pavilions, tennis courts, a soccer field, a playground, great ocean views, and just about everything else you’d need for a family outing. Hamilton was hanging out at the enormous t
wenty-thousand-square-foot skateboard park, eating a shave ice and holding a tote bag.

  “Hey, man,” he said, “look what I got. It’s a kick-ass PlayStation and Call of Duty. I traded some weed for it.”

  “We’ve been looking all over for you,” Kate said. “You were supposed to meet us in the parking lot at five o’clock.”

  Hamilton looked up at the sun. “What time is it now?”

  “Five-thirty. Don’t you have a watch?”

  “Why would I have a watch, dude?”

  Kate smacked her forehead with the heel of her hand. “I don’t know. How about so you could be on time for things?”

  “That sounds, like, super stressful. I’m all about managing my stress.” Hamilton offered his spoon to Kate. “Do you want the rest of my shave ice?”

  Kate took a deep breath. “Sure.”

  A crowd of kids had gathered around the ice cream truck by the time they returned. Nick pulled out a water-soaked twenty-dollar bill and sent them to the food court.

  “That was nice of you,” Kate said as she got into the driver’s seat. “You have a soft spot for kids, don’t you?”

  Nick smiled. “Maybe. If I did, would it make me boyfriend material? Would I be Mr. Right?”

  The truck backfired and Kate exited the parking lot, leaving behind a cloud of smoke. “Not even close. You’re more of a Mr. Right Now.”

  Nick relaxed into his seat. “I can live with that.”

  “Good grief. I didn’t mean it literally.” She looked at Hamilton in the back. He was already asleep. “We’re running out of time. How are we going to convince Hamilton to tell us where his dad is hiding?”

  “It’s simple. We do nothing.”

  “Nothing?”

  “Well, not exactly nothing. Hamilton and I are going to eat pizza and play video games, while you make candles.”

  “What are you talking about? In the first place, I have absolutely no idea how to make candles. I can barely make popcorn and toast.”

  “Can you melt wax and pour it into a glass jar?” Nick asked.