The Big Kahuna

by Janet Evanovich

  “I guess.”

  “Congratulations. You’re a candlemaker. Hamilton doesn’t exactly strike me like the sort of guy who’s very good at keeping secrets. If we just give him some space . . . and some pizzas, he’ll eventually tell us on his own.”

  Kate shook her head. “It’s the dumbest plan I ever heard. I’m not staying up all night making candles while you scarf down pizza.”

  “How about this. If it works, you let me give you a code name.”

  “What if it doesn’t?”

  “Then you get to give me a code name.”

  “That’s not a bet. You’d love to get a code name. Next to stealing things, inventing ridiculous aliases is just about your favorite hobby.” Kate narrowed her eyes. “I want something else. Something that will put a lasting smile on my face. I think you know what I’m talking about.”

  Nick nodded his head. “I do.”

  “And it better be incredible and satisfying. Not just some little tease.”

  “I’m not worried,” Nick said. “You’re not going to win.”

  10

  At 3 A.M., Kate, Nick, and Hamilton were back at the yurt and most of the pizza was gone, Hamilton was outside taking a nature break, and Nick was bleary eyed from playing Call of Duty all night. Kate had just finished making her fifth candle.

  “That takes care of Christmas,” she said, positioning it beside the other four. “I hope my sister, Megan, likes patchouli.”

  Nick paused the video game and looked outside. Hamilton was still behind a tree. “Yeesh. He’s told me pretty much his whole life story, except where his father is hiding. I’m not sure I can keep this up much longer.”

  Hamilton walked back into the yurt and plopped himself down in front of the TV. “Thanks for pausing the game. I guess you don’t buy Dr Peppers. You just, like, rent them, right, dude?” he said to Nick.

  “No problem.” Nick pointed in Kate’s direction. “My little snuggle muffin spends most of her free time communing with the Earth and protesting the big vitamin conglomerates, so it’s nice to have some bro-time once in a while.”

  Kate rolled her eyes. “I hate to interrupt bro-time, but it’s almost sunrise, and I’ve got a big day of communing and protesting ahead of me. Maybe we should get some sleep?”

  “Is it still okay if I crash on your lanai?” Hamilton asked. “It’s only for one more night. After that I’m going to Kauai to stay with my dad until things cool down.”

  Nick glanced at Kate. “Your dad is on Kauai? Is he staying at one of the hotels?”

  “No way. He was staying at the Four Seasons in Wailea, but my stepmom, Vicky, showed up there. Now I’ve got him somewhere where nobody will ever find him.”

  “How can you be sure?” Nick asked.

  Hamilton yawned and put down the video game controller. “No roads, no cell service, totally off the grid. It’s paradise for dropouts.”

  “Sounds awesome. Where is it?”

  “Sorry, dude. I’m not supposed to say.” Hamilton got up and stretched. “I’m catching the first flight to Lihue. Can you give me a ride to the airport later?”

  “Sure.” Kate watched him leave the yurt and lie down in the hammock outside. “Well?” she said to Nick once Hamilton was asleep. “Do you have your concession speech already written, or were you just going to wing it?”

  “Of course I have my speech ready, and it goes something like this. . . . It feels great to be right. Thanks to my brilliant plan, we know the Kahuna is on Kauai.”

  “Yeah.” Kate made air quotes with her fingers. “‘Somewhere where nobody will ever find him.’ That’s just one step away from you claiming you won because he’s somewhere on Planet Earth.”

  “This is terrific,” Nick said. “It’s our first fight as a pretend almost married couple. There’s really only one thing for us to do. We need to have make-up sex immediately. It’s a fact that pretend almost married couples should never go to bed mad.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that. You’ll be sleeping in the ice cream truck.”

  “Your loss,” Nick said. “My skills as a thief and a con man are second-rate compared to my make-up sex skills.”

  There was no doubt in Kate’s mind that this was true. And it was an impressive statement to make considering he was possibly the number one thief and con man on the planet.

  Kate handed Nick a blanket and pillow and pushed him out of the yurt. “You’re going to have to practice your make-up sex skills alone tonight.”

  * * *

  —

  At 10 A.M., Kate pulled into the Kahului Airport, parked in front of Departures, and watched Hamilton climb out of the truck. “What time is your flight supposed to arrive on Kauai?”

  “Not really sure, dude. Sometime between breakfast and lunch.” Hamilton grabbed his Osprey backpack from the rear and slung it over his shoulder. “Mahalo for the ride.” He flashed a shaka sign at Nick and Kate. “Catch you later.”

  Kate waited until Hamilton was inside the terminal before pulling away from the curb. “Did you notice the backpack? I snuck a peek in it earlier. Sleeping bag, tent, hiking shoes, camping stove. He wasn’t kidding when he said he was going off the grid.”

  “According to Wikipedia, seventy percent of Kauai is completely inaccessible. It has over fifty miles of sandy beaches and more rainforest than you could explore in a lifetime. I’m afraid that doesn’t narrow the search area down too much.”

  Kate turned into long-term parking. “One step ahead of you. Dad and Larry are already in the terminal. Hamilton has never seen them before, so they’re going to catch the same flight and see if they can follow him once he lands. We’ll take a later flight with Cosmo.” Kate slouched down into the car seat and put her hands behind her head. “Now, I’m going to relax in this haunted ice cream truck, sit back, and enjoy the moment. I’ve probably got a good hour before Cosmo gets here and starts talking.”

  “Yeah. About that. It’s going to be a pretty short moment. Cosmo is waiting for us in a Citation Latitude I chartered this morning. It’s all fueled up and ready to go at the airport’s private FBO. If we leave now, we’ll beat Hamilton to Kauai by at least two hours.”

  Kate sat straight up, eyes wide. “What? We can’t afford a private plane. That’s not in the budget. We’ve already destroyed a tour boat on this trip.”

  “The boat was old, and the operator-owner is dead,” Nick said.

  “It’s unnecessarily extravagant.”

  “It’s the most efficient route.” Nick patted Kate on the shoulder. “No need to feel bad about your plan. Your plan was good too.”

  Kate took hold of the wheel. “Whatever. You’re the one who lost the bet and has to pay the piper. And that’s a moment that I plan on savoring.”

  “I’m not going to have to worry about it, since I won the bet. By the way, what are your thoughts about our code names? I was thinking that I could be the Smuggler and you could be the Snuggler.”

  Kate pulled out of the parking lot and drove toward the private terminal. “The Smuggler and the Snuggler. Absolutely horrible. It sounds like the title of some lame made-for-TV movie. Lucky for me, I’m not going to have to worry about it, since I won the bet.” She parked the truck and walked through the FBO lobby to the waiting Latitude.

  “You’ve got to see this,” Cosmo said as soon as Kate walked into the cabin. “The plane is filled with free stuff. Playing cards, granola bars, Oreos, and even cough drops.”

  Vicky gave Nick and Kate a finger wave. “Don’t forget about the cute little bottles of alcohol.” She shook her mostly empty glass at Kate, jingling the ice cubes. “FYI, we’re out of vodka.”

  “It’s ten A.M.”

  Vicky took a sip. “I’m in mourning. My no-good husband is alive.”

  Kate took Nick aside. “What is she doing here? Isn’t it bad enough we’re dragg
ing Larry along?”

  “I don’t know,” Nick said. “She’s not my invited guest.”

  They looked at Cosmo.

  “What?” Cosmo said.

  “How did Vicky get on this plane?” Kate asked him.

  “You’re surprised, right? Okay, but it’s all good. She’s going to document everything with her selfies.”

  “This is a covert operation, sort of,” Kate said. “We don’t want it splashed all over her Instagram page. And she’s not part of the team.”

  “Okay, but it’s not my fault. She’s sneaky. She followed me. And then she threatened me. And next thing she was on the plane.”

  Vicky snapped a picture of herself with her empty glass.

  “If this goes public, Jessup will mess himself,” Kate said.

  “So it’s not all bad,” Nick said. “Everyone buckle up.”

  Kate and Nick took their seats, and minutes later they were airborne, flying toward Kauai. Kate looked out the window as they passed over Lanai and then Oahu.

  “There are four main islands in the Hawaiian chain,” Cosmos announced. “Oahu is the most populated. There are more people living there than on all the other islands combined. Kauai is the smallest and the oldest. It’s also one of the wettest and greenest. Mount Waialeale gets around four hundred and fifty inches of rain each year.”

  Vicky leaned over Kate’s seat. “You look tired. I’d be tired too if I was sharing a bedroom with Nick.”

  “We stayed up all night making candles and eating pizzas.”

  “Pizzas, huh? I like mine with extra sausage,” Vicky said. “In my experience, there can never be enough sausage.”

  Nick nodded. “It was super hard for her to resist me. I had to sleep in my ice cream truck, or who knows what would have happened.”

  “That’s old-school,” Cosmo said. “You’re a real gentleman.”

  Vicky blew out a raspberry. “Disappointing. Is that really all that happened?”

  “Nick lost a bet, and now he’s going to have to satisfy my deepest desire,” Kate said.

  Nick relaxed in his seat. “It kills me to say it, but Kate actually lost the bet, and now we’re all getting awesome code names. Larry is the Weasel and Jake is the Colonel.”

  The plane started its descent toward Lihue Airport.

  “The county seat, Lihue, is on the east side of the island,” Cosmo said. “To the north is Hanalei. It’s super lush and covered in rainforests and waterfalls. Jurassic Park was filmed there. Jurassic Park was a mindblower. Fallen Kingdom was my second favorite. Blue the velociraptor totally stole that movie. Am I right or am I right?”

  Kate watched out the window as the pilot lowered the Latitude’s wheels, landed the plane, and taxied to the terminal.

  “We have rooms at the Koa Kea Hotel in Poipu,” Nick said to Kate. “It’s more or less midway between Kokee and Hanalei, so I thought it would be a good location to use as our base camp.”

  “Great. Let’s send Cosmo on ahead, and we’ll stay in Lihue in case Dad needs backup.” Kate walked off the plane and crossed the tarmac into the open-air terminal. “We’ll just need to keep a low profile, so Hamilton doesn’t spot us.”

  An hour later, Vicky and Cosmo were driving south with the luggage. Nick and Kate were waiting near Arrivals, in a rented BMW X5 SUV.

  “What gives?” Kate asked. “I rented a Ford Taurus, and the woman working the Avis counter upgrades you to a BMW.”

  “People just like doing nice things for me. Maybe it’s my winning personality.”

  “I highly doubt it.”

  Nick took a receipt out of his pocket. “Then maybe it’s the stack of FBI vouchers I borrowed from Cosmo. They’re great. It’s like a blank check signed by Uncle Sam. I figured Jessup wouldn’t mind if his two best cops treated themselves once in a while.”

  “Of course he’ll mind. It’s taxpayer money.”

  “I’m a taxpayer.”

  Kate threw up her hands. “No, you’re not. The last time you filed a tax return was never.”

  “Oh, right. In that case, you’re in a heck of a pickle to try to explain it to Jessup. I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.”

  Kate’s new cellphone rang. She took a deep breath and answered. “Hi, Dad, what’s up?”

  “The good news is we just landed in Lihue, and we’re on the same flight as the Kahuna’s son.”

  “And the bad news?”

  “So are Horace and Jasper. I don’t think they made Larry. They’re too busy watching Hamilton. Should I tell the pilot, so the police will meet them at the gate?”

  “Is Olga with them?”

  “I didn’t see her.”

  Kate paused for a moment. “Let them go for now. They’re just the hired hands, and they won’t try anything in the middle of an airport. When the plane lands, send Larry to the Koa Kea Hotel, and you follow Hamilton. Nick and I will tail Horace and Jasper. Hopefully, they’ll lead us to the Zellenkova woman, and we can get some answers.”

  * * *

  —

  Kate and Nick watched Hamilton leave the terminal and settle himself on a bench to wait for the bus headed to Lihue town. Jake joined him on the bench a couple of minutes later. Hamilton gave him a head nod and went back to listening to music on his earbuds.

  Kate pointed to the rental car office across the street. Horace was negotiating for a car, while Jasper kept an eye on Hamilton.

  “I hope they’re better hit men than they are at surveillance. If Hamilton wasn’t in a semi-permanent state of extreme mellow, they would have been spotted long ago,” Kate said.

  A white and green bus rounded the corner and idled up to the stop. Nick and Kate watched as Hamilton and Jake got on. The doors closed behind them, and the bus slowly lumbered past their parking spot. Seconds later, Horace and Jasper pulled out of the rental car parking lot and followed the bus toward an exit.

  Kate put the BMW into drive and caught up to Horace and Jasper at the first traffic light. “I’m going to keep pretty close to them. They’re concentrating on the bus and aren’t going to be paying much attention to who’s following them.”

  The bus drove straight through the intersection onto Ahukini Road, turned right onto the Kuhio Highway, and stopped at a Walmart in the center of town. Half a dozen people got off, and about the same number got on. The doors closed, and the bus continued north on the highway.

  “Hamilton is still on the bus,” Kate said.

  Nick nodded. “There’s pretty much just one main road headed north from here. It more or less hugs the coastline, connecting the towns of Kapaa, Anahola, and Kilauea all the way up to Hanalei.”

  The bus drove into Old Kapaa Town and down a main street that was lined with small stores selling everything from shave ice to ukuleles.

  The bus groaned to a stop in front of the Island Hemp and Cotton Company building. Hamilton got out and walked down the street into Kapaa Body Art. A sign out front advertised henna tattoos and glitter body art. Horace and Jasper parked their car on the other side of the street and waited.

  Kate’s cellphone rang. “Hi, Dad.”

  “Hemp and Cotton wasn’t a regularly scheduled stop. He asked the bus driver to let him off there,” Jake said. “I couldn’t get out too without him getting suspicious.”

  Horace and Jasper got out of the car, crossed the street, and scanned the area before backing into the store. “Have to go,” Kate said. “Those two goons just followed Hamilton into the henna salon, and they look like trouble.”

  “If Hamilton sees us, our plan is blown,” Nick said, running across the street with Kate.

  “No choice. Better than Horace and Jasper killing him, or someone else.” Kate drew her gun, cracked the door, and peeked inside.

  Kapaa Body Art was a large one-room studio with four tattoo-parlor chairs, walls lined with tribal
tattoo designs, a back office marked “Staff Only,” and bookcases filled to the brim with thousands of glass bottles of henna dyes and glitters. Jasper was standing behind a wooden reception desk and brandishing a large serrated knife in the face of the twenty-year-old woman manning the cash register.

  “He’s not here, Jasper,” Kate heard Horace shout from the back room. “The little bastard must have flown the coop.”

  Jasper dragged his knife along the desktop, leaving a long, deep, jagged scar in its path. “The blond kid who just came in the store a minute ago. Where is he?”

  The twenty-year-old tried to back away from Jasper, but he grabbed her shirt and held tight.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “He left with the owner out the rear entrance. They’re friends, and she was going to give him a ride somewhere.”

  Kate aimed her gun at Jasper. “Hi there. Remember me?”

  Jasper swung around to face Kate. “Are you kidding me? What does it take to get rid of you?”

  “Put down the knife, you idiot, and get your even stupider partner out here right now.”

  “Hey, Horace!” Jasper yelled. “The cutie who shot us is back, and she said you’re stupid.”

  A couple of hockey pucks slid out from the back office and rolled into the center of the room. Jasper ducked down behind the counter. “Now you’ve gone and done it,” Jasper said from his hiding place. “The only thing Horace likes more than burning things is blowing things up.”

  Kate and Nick looked at each other and dove for cover behind the tattoo chairs. There was a tremendously loud boom that shook the foundation of the building and a brilliant flash of light.

  “Stun grenades,” Kate shouted, disoriented and struggling to get her bearings.

  Horace stepped out of the back office, and the salon exploded with the sound of automatic gunfire. Nick and Kate took cover next to the reception desk as bullets sprayed the room, decimating everything in their path, exploding the bottles lining the shelves and filling the room with a thick dust cloud of glitter.

  “Do you hear that?” Nick asked Kate.