The Big Kahuna

by Janet Evanovich

  Nick and Kate rounded a bend. Jake, Cosmo, and Vicky were all standing in front of a fast-moving river of water that emptied into an angry-looking ocean a short distance downstream. A handmade sign by the rocky beach warned not to go near the waves, with an ominous-looking eighty or so tally marks underneath the crude handwriting.

  “I don’t like the looks of this sign,” Cosmo said. “I’m not that good a swimmer. I don’t want to become the next hash mark. There’s still stuff I have to do. I’ve been thinking about getting a cat. And I haven’t filled out all our vouchers.”

  Vicky rolled her eyes. “I didn’t squeeze myself into this sexy archeologist outfit just to be stopped by a little water. If there’s one thing I learned from being a sexy adult film archeologist, it’s that you’ve got to take some risks if you want to find priceless artifacts and ding-dongs.”

  “I must be losing it,” Jake said. “Except for the part about the ding-dongs, she’s starting to make sense.”

  Nick opened his backpack, removed a sixty-meter length of blue nylon climbing rope, and attached one end to a hala tree growing near the bank. “I’m going to swim across with the rope. Once I’m on the other side, I’ll secure the other end to another tree, and we can all use it to cross safely.”

  Kate watched Nick wade into the water. “If you get in trouble, keep holding on to the rope and we’ll haul you back in to shore.”

  “Don’t worry. I’m not letting go of the rope. If I get pushed out to sea and get caught in the riptide, the nearest safe shore exit point is six miles away.”

  After a couple of feet, Nick was in waist-deep water and fighting to stay upright. He dove in headfirst and started swimming diagonally against the current.

  “He’s a pretty strong swimmer,” Jake said to Kate. “He would smoke most of those guys I worked with in Special Forces.”

  Nick reached the other side, climbed out of the water, secured his end of the rope to a heliotrope tree, and gave Kate a thumbs-up. “The current is pretty strong,” he shouted. “I have rock-climbing carabiners in my pack. Everyone can use them to attach themselves to the rope so they won’t get swept away.”

  Jake snapped a carabiner onto the rope, waded into the water, and pulled himself across.

  Vicky and Cosmo each crossed separately until only Kate was left on the opposite shore. She attached the carabiner, strapped herself into Nick’s pack, and stepped into the water. By the time she got to the middle, her toes could no longer touch bottom, and the force of the current was immense. “I think the water level is rising,” she shouted to Nick.

  A massive roar pierced the valley. Kate turned to look upstream. A wall of water and debris was barreling down the mountain toward her at breakneck speed. “Flash flood,” Kate shouted, bracing herself for the impact. “Everyone take cover.”

  The initial impact of the water felt like a car crash and left her breathless. She struggled to keep her head above the swirling vortex and looked to the shore. Vicky and Cosmo had made it to higher ground and were out of the flood’s path. Jake and Nick had their arms wrapped around the heliotrope tree, which was now mostly underwater, and were trying their best to make certain the rope stayed secure.

  “Hold on,” Nick shouted. “We’ll get you out as soon as we can.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” Kate yelled over the roar of the water. She looked over at the opposite shore. The hala tree was bending under the force of the water. Seconds later it was uprooted and swept away, along with Kate, toward the ocean.

  Kate collided with a log wedged between two rocks and held tight. The force of the water continued to relentlessly push her toward the crashing waves, just meters away. She watched as debris raced past her into the surf and was quickly swept out to sea by the powerful rip currents.

  “I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on to this log,” Kate shouted toward shore. She looked over. Jake had tied himself to the heliotrope and was holding on to the rope, but Nick was nowhere to be seen. A tree branch hit Kate, her grip gave way, and she felt herself being sucked, feetfirst, under the log.

  Kate felt an arm wrap around her chest and pull her back to the surface. She blew out the water filling her mouth and looked up. Nick was holding her tightly and working to secure the rope around both of them. A minute or so later, the water subsided enough that Jake was finally able to haul them back to shore.

  Kate and Nick lay on their backs, exhausted, and watched the water level recede just as quickly as it rose.

  “What were you thinking?” Kate said, still holding on to Nick. “You could have drowned.”

  Nick flashed her a crooked smile. “What can I say? If there’s one thing I’ve learned from sexy archaeologists, it’s that you have to take risks for priceless things.”

  Kate punched him in the arm. “And ding-dongs. Don’t forget the ding-dongs.”

  12

  By midmorning, the clouds had dissipated and the bright tropical sun was starting to dry off the rainforest, leaving behind an oppressive humidity that wrapped around Nick, Kate, Cosmo, and Vicky like a wet wool blanket. Jake was far ahead of them.

  The group trudged up the steep path through a grove of massive sisal plants with rosettes of giant sword-shaped leaves.

  “They look like prehistoric agave plants,” Vicky said, touching one of the sisal’s leaves. “I’d kill for a Fred Flintstone–sized tequila right now.”

  The path continued through the sisals, getting progressively more narrow and unkempt as they neared the top of the hill.

  Kate stopped and looked back at Nick. “We’re clearly past the tourist turnaround. This is definitely a lot less used than the first section.”

  At the summit, Jake was waiting for them near a large rock formation.

  “I think this is Space Rock. It marks the highest part of the trail,” Nick said. “Hoolulu Valley is a short distance downhill. At this point, we’re a little less than eight miles from Kalalau Beach.”

  Kate looked out over the edge of the precipice at the waves crashing into the cliffside, seven hundred feet below. “That’s one big drop. I’ve been a lot of places, but the scenery here is some of the most dramatic I’ve ever seen.”

  A couple of miles later, they had walked down the hill, through Hoolulu and Waiahuakua Valleys, and were making yet another steep ascent. Ahead of them, waterfalls tumbled down huge green undulating cliffs into the jungle, and the trail weaved in and out of the rainforest, revealing spectacular views down the Na Pali coastline.

  “We’re halfway to Kalalau,” Nick said. “The next valley is called Hanakoa. It would be a great place to break for lunch and get some rest before we tackle the last five miles of the trail.”

  Kate, Nick, Jake, Cosmo, and Vicky walked over the summit and down into Hanakoa. The lush rainforest was nestled between two ridges that guarded the green valley like sentries.

  “A lot of people break the hike up into two days and stay here overnight,” Nick said as they walked along the valley floor, past an unoccupied campsite and onto a narrow side trail.

  “Where are we going?” Kate asked as they walked deeper into the valley’s interior.

  “Pit stop,” Nick said. “It’s just a short walk.”

  The side trail opened up to reveal a three-hundred-foot-tall waterfall cascading into an enormous pond. The water was crystal clear and the pond was surrounded by lush jungle and the sounds of songbirds hiding in the canopy.

  Kate let out a low whistle. “This is just the pit stop? I can’t wait to see the main attraction.”

  Nick removed his backpack and stripped down to his boxer briefs. “I don’t know about everybody else, but I’m going for a swim before lunch,” he said, and dove into the water.

  Vicky poked Kate with her elbow. “There’s your main attraction,” she said. “Yum!” She got a camera out of her backpack and took off her turquoise tank top. “I have
n’t frolicked in at least twenty-four hours. Who’s going to take pictures of me frolicking in the water for my Instagram wall?”

  Jake had his back to Vicky. “She’s topless, isn’t she?” he asked Kate.

  “Yep.”

  “I guess I could do it,” Cosmo said. “Being as it’s for Instagram. Is it hard to frolic?”

  Vicky stood with her hands on her hips. “What kind of a question is that? Of course it’s hard to frolic! If just anybody could do it, we’d all be having girl-on-girl pillow fights and running slow-motion in bikinis on beaches and accidentally on purpose losing our tops on water park slides, and then there wouldn’t be any need for Instagram models. What kind of a world would that be?”

  Cosmo took the camera. “I never thought of that. Where do you want to frolic first?”

  Kate watched Cosmo go off with Vicky, while Jake returned to the campsite to pull lunch together. Nick was still hanging out near the waterfall. She shucked her clothes down to her sports bra and spandex bikini-cut panties and swam over to Nick.

  “I want to thank you for saving my life this morning,” Kate said.

  “It’s what us heroic types do,” Nick said. “How grateful are you? Do I get a reward?”

  Oh man, Kate thought. Not only did he deserve a reward, but she was in the mood to give him one. Good thing they were in a group and the reward possibilities would be limited.

  “What did you have in mind?” Kate asked.

  Nick swam closer and pulled her to him. “I like the sports bra. It’s a good look for you, but you’d look even better without it.”

  Kate wrapped her legs around him. “Would that be reward enough?”

  “It would be a start.”

  “Hey, Smuggler and Snuggler,” Vicky called from shore, waving at them. “Let’s go. All this frolicking has made me crazy hungry. Jake has lunch ready for us at the campsite.”

  “We could skip lunch,” Nick said to Kate.

  Kate unwrapped her legs. “No way. I need food. I’m wasting away in this steamy jungle.”

  “Get used to it,” Nick said. “There’s a strong possibility it’s only going to get steamier.”

  * * *

  —

  At two o’clock, Kate, Nick, Jake, Cosmo, and Vicky stood in front of a sign posted just to the side of the trail’s seven-mile marker, reading “Hazardous Cliff, Risk of Serious Injury or Death, Stay Back from Edge.”

  “They call this the Crawler’s Ledge,” Nick said, staring straight ahead. “I guess that probably doesn’t need any explanation.”

  Kate looked at the trail in front of them. A barely eighteen-inch-wide dirt path led along the cliff face as far as she could see. On the right side of the path, there was a terrifying drop the length of a football field directly into the Pacific Ocean. On the other side of the path, a wall of rock rose straight out of the ground, extending a good hundred vertical feet above them.

  “I don’t see any guardrail or handholds,” Kate said. “One tiny slip and we’re dead.”

  Cosmo reread the sign. “How are we supposed to stay away from the edge? The entire path is literally the edge. Whoever wrote this sign is a maniac. Holy crap. Who has some Xanax?”

  “It doesn’t look so bad,” Jake said. He took a few steps out onto the ledge. A thirty-mile-per-hour gust of wind blew in from the open ocean and smashed into the cliff. Jake steadied himself and waited for the breeze to die down. He turned around and looked at Kate. “Okay. It’s bad. It’s really bad.”

  “Who doesn’t feel comfortable doing this?” Kate asked. “If anybody wants to bail, they can go back to Hanakoa and wait until the rest of us return.”

  Jake tightened the cinch on his backpack. “Are you kidding? I live for this stuff.”

  “The Kahuna might be a big dummy, but he’s my big dummy,” Vicky said. “I’m going.”

  “I’m kind of the senior agent.” Cosmo shrugged. “What kind of a role model would I be if I let the rookie handle all the tough stuff by herself?”

  “You think I’m going to let you go off by yourself and have all the fun?” Nick stepped past the sign and started walking. “Let’s go find us a kahuna.”

  Kate followed Nick and carefully made her way along the ledge. Vicky and Cosmo were right behind her. Jake was taking up the rear.

  “This seems like a good time for me to mention that I get a teensy bit flatulent when I get nervous,” Cosmo said to Jake. “My ex-girlfriend is an amateur psychologist, and she says it all comes from my bottling up my emotions and not crying enough, or was it crying too much? Anyway, it turns out I have a dysfunctional relationship with myself. Bottom line is you might want to keep your distance.”

  “A mile sounds about right,” Jake said. “Maybe a continent.”

  Another gust of wind knocked into them, and everyone leaned in against the rock wall to their left.

  Kate looked at the warning sign, less than three hundred feet back. “At this pace, it’s going to take us forever—that is, if we don’t fall off the cliff first.”

  Nick felt his way forward. “Look at it this way. In the past twenty-four hours, we’ve been shot at by hit men, nearly burned alive, exploded a tattoo parlor, and almost drowned twice. What are the chances of falling off a cliff if all those things didn’t kill us?”

  The path widened just a little bit in spots, here and there, over the next half mile. “Maybe it’s my imagination,” Cosmo said. “I think the trail is getting a little easier, or else I’m just getting used to it, or maybe I’m finally running low on, you know, air biscuits.”

  Nick stopped. “You need to hang on to your air biscuits, because easier is coming to an end.”

  Kate looked past Nick. The narrow path had gotten narrower. Much narrower. And rocky. And the wind was still gusting.

  “Here’s a suggestion,” Nick said. “There’s a reason they call this Crawler’s Ledge. Crawl over the rocky spots and sharp bends in the trail if you aren’t comfortable upright.”

  Vicky instantly dropped to hands and knees, reached behind her, and passed Cosmo her cellphone. “This is a great opportunity to take a few belfies for my Instagram page.”

  “What’s a belfie?” Cosmo asked.

  “It’s a selfie of your butt. It’s kind of the go-to selfie for us Instagram models.”

  “How about that?” Cosmo called back to Jake. “Did you know there was more than one kind of selfie?”

  “Kate, switch positions with me,” Jake shouted. “This is worse than when I was a prisoner of war in that Vietnamese internment camp.”

  “There are ten basic types of selfies,” Vicky said, concentrating on hand and knee placement. “The I-woke-up-like-this selfie, the fur-baby selfie, the bragging-beach-legs selfie, the bathroom mirror selfie, the food-next-to-your-face selfie, the lazy Sunday selfie, the gym selfie, and the I’m-so-drunk selfie, in addition to belfies and regular selfies, which I call relfies.”

  “I only take relfies,” Cosmo said, struggling to stay on the treacherous path while holding Vicky’s phone. “How about you, Jake?”

  “That’s not all,” Vicky said. “There are nine kinds of selfie faces, not including advanced faces and specialty faces. The duck face, the fish gape, the kissy face, the model pout, the flirty half smile, the raised eyebrow, the smize, the squinch, and the sparrow face. You can see how this is adding up.”

  “Amazing,” Cosmo said, snapping a picture of Vicky’s butt. “Nine faces times ten types. That’s ninety different selfies in total. How do you keep it all straight?”

  “Larry keeps an Excel spreadsheet.” She looked back at Cosmo. “Are you getting some good ones? How does my ass look? I bet it looks awesome.”

  “It looks pretty good. These are the first belfies I’ve ever taken, so I’m not really an expert. What do you think, Jake? Does Vicky’s ass look awesome?”

  �
��I’m going to jump,” Jake said. “It’ll be less painful.”

  “I’m not looking for a yes-man. This is important,” Vicky said. “Is it big enough? Do I need to do more squats?”

  “Nick, Kate, are we almost there?” Jake asked. “Please tell me we’re almost there.”

  “Hold up,” Cosmo said. “I’ll take another belfie.”

  Cosmo raised the phone to snap the picture, and a gust of wind hit him and knocked him off balance. He slid off the trail, shrieking and clawing at the scrub brush that lined the ledge. Jake lunged at him and grabbed him by the seat of his pants, snagging Cosmo an instant before he would have gone into a free fall and smashed far below on the rocks and surf. Jake hauled him back over the rock face and onto the hard-packed red dirt.

  Everyone stopped while Cosmo lay facedown in the dirt, panting, still holding the phone.

  “You saved my life,” Cosmo said to Jake.

  “Yeah, I acted on instinct,” Jake said. “I don’t suppose we could have a do-over?”

  A quarter mile later, the path moved inland and climbed steeply through the forest. Nick trudged up the hill and looked at his watch. “It’s four o’clock. We’ve been walking for ten hours,” he said to Kate.

  Jake was ahead of them, standing on a bluff and leaning on a Little Free Library that someone had erected as an informal book exchange for fellow travelers. “You’ve got to see this,” he called back.

  Kate, Nick, Vicky, and Cosmo scrambled up to meet Jake on the bluff. It overlooked a beautiful crescent-shaped white sand beach, fronting a lush green valley.

  “That’s Kalalau at the bottom of the hill,” Nick said. “We should be there in less than an hour.”

  “It’s bigger than I thought,” Kate said.

  Nick scanned the area. “Less than a week ago, our search area was forty million square miles. Now it’s more like two. I like our new odds.”

  * * *

  —

  The sun had long since set by the time Nick, Kate, and the others reached the bottom of the valley and found an unoccupied space to pitch their tents in the makeshift campground. Kate crawled into her sleeping bag and turned to Nick. “I’m dead tired. Let’s get a good night’s sleep and start looking for the Kahuna as soon as the sun comes up.”