The Big Kahuna

by Janet Evanovich

  “Are you absolutely one hundred percent sure you’re tired?”

  Kate opened one eye and glanced at Nick. “Good grief. Go to sleep.”

  13

  Kate woke up to a sunny day and the sound of a flute. She unzipped her tent and peeked outside. A hippie in his midsixties, wearing a Harry Potter robe and Birkenstock sandals, was sitting cross-legged on a nearby rock playing “Puff, the Magic Dragon.” Nick and Jake were busy cooking a pot of oatmeal in the fire pit. Cosmo and Vicky were still sleeping.

  Kate stretched and sat down next to Nick. “That was one tough eleven hours yesterday. I don’t think I’ve slept so soundly in a year.” She looked at the flutist. “What’s with Dumbledore on the rock?”

  “That’s Bob. He told me the robe has a secret pocket meant for a wand where he can store his flute. Plus, he’s a wizard.”

  Kate rolled her eyes. “The scary thing is he’s probably going to be the most normal person we meet today.”

  Bob stopped playing, holstered his flute inside his robe, walked over to them, and plopped himself down on a log. “That oatmeal smells good. May I join you Muggles?”

  Nick handed Bob a bowl and a spoon. “Have you been living here a long time?”

  “About ten years, I guess.” Bob spooned a giant glob of oatmeal into his mouth. “There are thirty or forty of us who live here full-time, but I’m the only wizard. Most everybody else camps for a few days then moves on.”

  Kate showed Bob a picture of the Kahuna and another of Hamilton. “We’re looking for a couple friends of ours. Have you seen them?”

  Bob looked at the pictures. “The young one hiked in here yesterday and hung out at the beach playing with Old Reliable for most of the day.”

  “Who’s Old Reliable?” Kate asked.

  “Not who. What. It’s the communal slingshot we use to chuck coconuts into the ocean on game night.”

  Kate smiled. “Sounds like fun. And the other man?”

  “The older one showed up a week ago. I haven’t seen him since, but he’s got to be in the valley somewhere.”

  “Why?”

  “Impassable cliffs to the west and south. Impassable ocean to the north.” He pointed east, back in the direction of the Kalalau Trail. “That’s the only way in and out, and we keep an eye on it in case the park rangers decide to visit. Technically, we’re not supposed to be here.”

  Kate spooned out another bowl of oatmeal for Bob. “Sounds like you know this valley like the back of your hand. What do you think about helping us find our friends?”

  “Sounds like a nice break,” Bob said. “Every day, it’s the same old thing around here. If I have to listen to Naked Gary argue with Naked Susan one more time about what’s the better kind of yoga, Hatha or Ashtanga, I’m going to have to up my ’shrooms.”

  “It’s probably better to stay away from yoga entirely if your first name is Naked,” Nick said.

  “Great point. I’ll bring it up during my next audience with the Minister of Magic. How about if I meet you at the Kalalau Valley Trail in thirty minutes. You can’t miss it. It’s a two-mile spur off the main trail that leads to the back of the valley.”

  Kate watched Bob disappear into the forest. “I guess we have a tour guide.”

  “I’ll keep an eye on the trail while you’re searching the valley,” Jake said. “We don’t want Hamilton or his father to slip past us.”

  Nick and Kate finished their breakfasts and loaded some water and food into one of the backpacks.

  “When Cosmo and Vicky wake up, I think they should hang out at the beach,” Kate said, slinging the pack over her shoulder. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and the Kahuna will show up there at some point today.”

  Kate and Nick backtracked along the same path they’d followed the night before to reach their campsite. Bob was already waiting for them by the Kalalau Valley Trail junction.

  “Most of us live near the beach,” Bob said as he led them into the forest and down an embankment to a small stream. “But there are three or four people who camp in the valley. One of them will probably have seen your friends if they’re here.”

  Kate and Nick followed Bob across the stream and turned left onto a narrow path that led along the streambed deeper into the rainforest. The path stopped in front of a medium-sized cave embedded in a rocky cliff.

  “Mike!” Bob shouted into the hole in the rock face.

  Nick stared at the cave opening. “Who’s Mike?”

  “He’s kind of the head hermit around here,” Bob said.

  “Maybe he’s not home,” Kate said.

  Bob shook his head. “It’s that he’s always all reclusive and solitary before his second cup of coffee.” He removed a flashlight from his robe and waved it at the entrance. “Lumos,” he said, pushing the on button and illuminating a disheveled thirty-something man with a mop of scraggly brown hair and an even more scraggly looking beard.

  “This here’s Mike the Hermit,” Bob said.

  Mike covered his eyes. “Jeez, Bob. How about a little patience? You don’t need to blind me.” He stepped out of the cave, snatched the flashlight from Bob’s hands, and threw it into the forest.

  “There’s a reason why he’s a hermit,” Bob said. “No social skills.”

  “I have social skills up my butt,” Mike said. “I prefer not to use them. They lead to distractions and annoyances and intrusions . . . like this one. And I hate small talk, so get to the point for this visit.”

  “We’re looking for some friends, and we were hoping you might have seen them,” Kate said. She took off her backpack and searched for the photos of Hamilton and the Kahuna. “Just a second. I know they’re in here somewhere.”

  Mike watched Kate rummage through the pack. He gave his head a small shake and turned to Bob. “Did you hear about the new hermit who just moved into the forest? Tanya went over to check him out, and she said his hidey hole was a real pigsty. Moss all over the place, and his berries weren’t even sorted. She thinks he drinks, but you didn’t hear it from me.”

  “Tanya is one to talk,” Bob said. “She got drunk at the hermit potluck last month and told Grace’s boyfriend Stanley she wanted his ‘p’ in her ‘v.’ I overheard it firsthand.”

  “And?”

  “Apparently he took her up on it and dipped his wick.”

  Mike went wide-eyed. “No-o. What did Grace do?”

  “She broke up with him. You should have heard the scene they made. She threw him and his goat right out of their cave that same night.”

  “No loss there,” Mike said. “I never liked Stanley. I mean, what’s with that burlap sack he goes around wearing? What self-respecting modern-day hermit wears a burlap sack? It’s pure showboating.”

  Kate slid a glance in Nick’s direction. “Good thing hermits don’t like small talk,” she said.

  “Gossip isn’t small talk,” Bob said. “Small talk is polite conversation that doesn’t mean anything. Gossip isn’t polite.”

  Kate fished the pictures out of her knapsack and handed them to Mike.

  “Sure, I’ve seen these guys,” Mike said. “The older one’s been tent camping near the waterfall at the back of the valley. The younger one is there too, but he just showed up yesterday.” He gave the pictures to Kate and stuck his hand out palm up. Nick put a twenty-dollar bill in it, and Mike walked back into his cave.

  Bob led Kate and Nick through the forest and along a muddy game trail.

  “The waterfall is about a mile up this path,” Bob said. “It should take us about thirty minutes. The trail gets pretty rough ahead.”

  Kate pushed through the wet underbrush that was becoming denser with nearly every passing step. Soon the trail was running alongside a small stream strewn with boulders and inviting little swimming holes.

  “This is as far as I go,” Bob said. “You don’t need me any
more. Just follow the creek until you get to the waterfall. You can’t miss it.”

  A half hour later, Nick and Kate stood at the edge of the jungle and peered through the clearing at a two-hundred-foot waterfall showering down into a crystal clear pool of water below. On the banks of the pool, two identical North Face dome tents had been erected around a makeshift campsite.

  “I don’t see Hamilton or the Kahuna, but someone is definitely living here,” Kate said. “The embers in the fire pit are still smoking.”

  Nick pointed to a clothesline strung between two hala trees. An assortment of board shirts, T-shirts, socks, and men’s underwear were drying in the morning sun. “And it looks like laundry day. If it’s Hamilton and his father, they’re settled in for the long haul.”

  A man in his early fifties wearing Volcom board shorts, flip-flops, and a loose-fitting tan hoodie walked out of the forest into the east side of the clearing carrying a load of branches. He dropped them on the ground in front of the fire pit and pulled his salt-and-pepper shoulder-length hair back into a man bun. Hamilton stuck his head out of one of the tents and joined his father by the fire pit.

  “Looks like we found the Kahuna,” Kate said to Nick.

  “All thanks to a wizard, a gossipy hermit, and my brilliant plan,” Nick said.

  * * *

  —

  Hamilton and his father watched Nick and Kate cross the clearing and walk into their campsite.

  “Hey, I know that dude,” Hamilton said to his father, pointing to Nick. “He’s, like, that guy who lives next door and drives an ice cream truck.”

  Kate showed her FBI credentials to the older man. “Mr. Wylde?”

  The man in the tan hoodie had a grim set to his mouth. “‘Mr. Wylde’ is what my seven-hundred-dollar-per-hour stick-up-his-ass lawyer calls me. Everyone else just calls me the Kahuna or the Big Kahuna or just plain BK if you’re in a rush. How did you find me?” He glanced at Hamilton. “Let me guess.”

  “No way, Dad. I was totally all discreet. The only ones who even knew I was coming to Kauai were this super-chill surfer here and his uptight lady friend. They drove me to the airport.”

  Kate narrowed her eyes ever so slightly. “I’m not uptight.”

  “Like, maybe you just got too much going on,” Hamilton said. “With the hemp farming and candle making and FBI. Working for the FBI has to be a hella stressful job, what with having to be around the criminal element all day. Stress will take years off your life, dude.”

  Kate stared at Nick. “Tell me something I don’t know.” She turned to the Big Kahuna. “A lot of people are looking for you.”

  “I’m aware,” Big Kahuna said. “That’s why I’m hiding out here.”

  “Did Hamilton tell you one of them sent hit men to your Maui farm?”

  The Kahuna put his hand on Hamilton’s shoulder.

  “I was going to get around to it, Dad. I didn’t want you to worry. They were just a couple losers.”

  “Those losers were trying to kill you,” Kate said. “If we hadn’t stopped them, they would have burned your house, and half of the North Shore, to the ground.”

  The Kahuna shook his head. “I didn’t think they’d go after my family.”

  “Who are they?” Nick asked.

  “I wish I knew. I think someone is stealing intellectual property from Sentience. I was trying to track them down when things got weird.”

  “‘Weird’?”

  “People following me. Threatening phone calls in the middle of the night telling me to stop poking around.”

  “What did you do?”

  The Kahuna smiled. “What else? I poked around twice as hard. Then someone almost ran me down in a parking lot, so I decided to take off until I could figure things out.”

  “Why didn’t you call the police?”

  “I don’t have any proof. Only suspicions.”

  “Still, we could have helped. We have forensic detectives who specialize in investigating these sorts of crimes,” Kate said.

  The Kahuna shrugged. “I guess so, but Sentience doesn’t make cars or televisions. We develop artificial intelligence algorithms for the robotics industry. All we have is our intellectual property. There are a lot of good people who have invested their entire lives in the company. If it ever got out that our trade secrets were stolen, we could kiss the dream of becoming a publicly traded company goodbye.”

  “That sounds a little extreme,” Nick said. “It would be a scandal, but I doubt it would totally derail the company.”

  The Kahuna had a hard set to his mouth. “Did I mention that some of the stuff we’re working on has military applications?”

  Kate’s eyebrows raised slightly. “You’re working for the military?”

  “Not specifically, but AI is just technology. Like most technology, it could make the world a better place or a much more dangerous place. It all depends on how it’s used.”

  Hamilton scratched his head. “Dude, Dad. Haven’t you seen The Matrix or Westworld? Robots always start out all helpful and sexy before they become crazy murdery.”

  “Holy crap, Hamilton. I am not building a sexy robot army. I’m just creating software so other people can make things like smart houses and self-driving cars.”

  “And sexy robot armies,” Hamilton said.

  The Big Kahuna flashed a small grimace in Hamilton’s direction. “Look, I don’t even know what, if anything, was taken from my computers. Even if they got something, chances are it was encrypted.”

  “And that’s why you faked your own death and flew to Hawaii?” Kate asked.

  “I didn’t know who I could trust. Whoever broke into my server had to be someone close to me. Besides, it’s not exactly the first time I’ve gone off the grid, so I figured no one would raise too much of a fuss.”

  Kate looked at Nick, then back at the Kahuna. “With all due respect, I think you might be in over your head,” she said. “What if we told you we think Zellenkova Private Equity might be involved?”

  “You mean Olga? Not a chance. She’s one of my biggest investors. She stands to lose everything.”

  “How much is ‘everything’?” Kate asked.

  “Let’s just say there are a hundred million reasons why she wants Sentience to go public.”

  “It’s the one reason she doesn’t want it to go public that interests us,” Nick said. “It looks like the CEOs of the companies in which Zellenkova invests have a nasty habit of dying.”

  “It doesn’t make sense. There’s got to be some other explanation.”

  “Zellenkova is probably on Kauai right now with the hit men who showed up at Hamilton’s place,” Nick said. “She tried to kill your wife’s lawyer, Larry. The police are looking for Zellenkova and her two thugs as we speak.”

  The Kahuna sat down on a rock. “Well, I can’t hold that against her. Everybody wants to kill Larry.” He sighed. “I guess I can go home to my crazy hot, but mostly crazy, wife. It’s only a matter of time until you find and arrest Olga.”

  “Arresting Olga might not be in our best interest right now,” Kate said. “We want to make sure we catch everyone involved, so we don’t want to tip our hand too soon. Someone is murdering Silicon Valley billionaires and possibly stealing military-grade A1 software. I don’t see Olga masterminding all that.”

  Nick nodded. “I agree. I think Olga is just a high-priced grifter working for someone else. Someone who’s trying very hard to stay out of the spotlight. We need to give her room to run, and hopefully she’ll lead us to her boss.”

  The Big Kahuna smiled. “At least I don’t need to go home to my wife yet.”

  “The good news is you don’t have to go home to your wife,” Kate said. “The bad news is she’s waiting for you on Kalalau Beach. We need to break camp and get you into protective custody. It isn’t safe here.”

  1
4

  Kate and Nick helped Hamilton and his father break down their camp. They packed up, set off on the long walk back to the beach, and by the time they got to the trailhead it was almost three o’clock.

  Jake was waiting for them at the junction. “We’ve got a big problem. Horace and Jasper showed up with a half dozen other gorillas about an hour ago. They’re searching the beach and campground.”

  Kate looked at Hamilton. “Horace and Jasper are the two goons who tried to burn down your farm on Maui. Looks like they’ve brought in reinforcements.”

  “What do you want me to do?” Jake asked. “Is it stomping time?”

  “Not yet,” Nick said. “We need to flush out their boss, but first we need to get the Kahuna and Hamilton out of this valley.”

  “It’s not going to be easy,” Jake said. “The bad guys are crawling all over the place, and there are a couple helicopters making passes up and down the coast. The locals think it’s the park rangers looking for squatters, but if you ask me, they’re part of the Horace and Jasper team, scouting the area.”

  “You, Cosmo, and Vicky should be okay,” Kate said. “Horace and Jasper have never seen any of you, so they won’t think too much about it if you break camp. We’ll hide out in the jungle until dark and wait for you to meet us there. We’ll hike out at midnight. With any luck, we’ll be back at Haena State Park by noon tomorrow.”

  “The trail is risky in daylight,” Jake said. “I can’t see Cosmo and Vicky surviving it at night.”

  “The only other choice is to hide in the valley and wait for them to find us. And eventually they will find us. There’s only one way out, and a night hike is our only option if we want to sneak past Olga’s crew and the helicopters.”

  “We could leave Cosmo and Vicky here,” Jake said. “We’ll make better time without them.”