Finding Life

by Tiffani Lynn

  “I’m sure by now you know I’ve met someone. It’s why I haven’t been here. It always feels like I’m cheating when I divide my time between Colby and here. I know it shouldn’t, but somehow that’s how it feels. So from now on I only plan to come for your birthday. You’ll always have a place in my heart, but it’s time for me to move on and I’m going to do it in a big way. I hope wherever you are you can be happy for me. Damn, I feel like an idiot standing here talking into the wind like I would if you were standing here. But I feel like if I don’t say this out loud, you’ll think I’m forgetting you. I’m not; I could never do that and Colby doesn’t want that either. It’s just time for me to move on.”

  Almost immediately the weight of stress and guilt lifts from my chest. I’ve been carrying a heavy layer of both and uttering the words out loud makes me feel better. Not needing to say any more, I turn on my heel and stride back to my car and drive to the jewelry store to meet up with Dana and Shaunda. I called Shaunda first and then Dana, swearing them to secrecy. Dana screamed so loudly that she made my hearing aids squeal and Shaunda broke down crying.

  When I open the door to the jewelry store, Dana is standing with her hip to the counter, arms crossed over her chest talking to the young jeweler behind the counter, whose name I know is Caleb. As I approach them I notice the natural blush on her cheeks and wonder what conversation I might have walked up on. Before I can even greet them the door rattles behind me and a frazzled Shaunda bustles through, shouting, “I’m sorry I’m late. Doctor appointment ran over. Don’t start without me!”

  I give her a half-smile. “I just got here; you’re fine. We would’ve waited for you. Everything go okay?”

  “Perfect. Doc is pleased.” She doesn’t give me a chance to respond. Instead, she steps into me and throws her arms around my neck. “Thanks for letting us be part of this. I’m so excited. I don’t think she has a clue!” She pulls back and looks at me with tears in her eyes. “Pop would be so happy about this. He liked you and he wanted the best for her. I think you qualify.”

  “Thanks. I’ll do everything I can to make her happy.”

  Shaunda pats my cheek with affection and says softly, “You already are.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Colby

  Victor has been acting weird all week. It started when he disappeared on Monday for a couple of hours and never said where he went. I dropped by to surprise him with lunch at work, thinking he told me he’d be there all day. When I got there, Nina acted a little funny but told me she didn’t know where he was and that he just said he was leaving for a little while. When I mentioned it to him that evening, he acknowledged it and apologized to me for me wasting my time, but then changed the subject. I was really pissed that day. In fact, I was so pissed that I called Shaunda to bitch, but she didn’t answer. When she finally called back, she told me I was being paranoid and blew me off. That’s totally unlike her. Normally, she’d be suspicious and stalking him online to see if he’s up to something.

  Maybe it’s just me acting weird and taking things the wrong way. Could be hormones, I guess. I’m hoping by tonight things feel like normal. He’s supposed to get off of work early so we can go hiking and have a picnic. If he’s acting weird while we are on that little adventure I’m going to pressure him until he tells me what’s up. I know Carol’s birthday was sometime this week. Claudia mentioned it to me quietly when we were at dinner this past weekend. Gave me the heads-up that it was coming, but he never mentioned it. Maybe he was at the cemetery the other day and just didn’t want to tell me. It’s not like I would be angry with him. It’s not like she’s a threat, and I know he still loves her. I’m okay with that. His experience with her is part of what made him the man he is now and I love that man.

  Although he was a little quieter than usual, he wasn’t acting weird on the hike so there’s no reason to bring up his odd behavior this week. Victor is leading us to what he calls the perfect spot. He said he found it when he was hiking with Diego a couple of weeks ago. When we reach the location, I know why he chose it. It didn’t take us long to get to it and the view is spectacular. Throughout our picnic meal Victor remains quiet, and I know I’ll have to ask him what’s going on. I can’t take it anymore.

  Silently, he packs all of our stuff up and readjusts the position of his butt against the boulder we ate on. His expression is thoughtful as he looks out at the view and I know something major is on his mind. I’m almost afraid to ask, but I dig the courage up from somewhere inside.

  “Vic—”

  He cuts me off and reaches for me. “Come here, Colby.”

  I twist my hair around my finger as I approach him, worried about what he’s going to say. If he breaks up with me and I have to hike the next hour and a half back to civilization with him, I’m going to freak out.

  Tentatively, I step over to him and he pulls me in close and turns me around so I’m facing the view. He pushes my hair over my right shoulder and kisses my neck softly. Now I’m confused.

  “From this particular spot it’s obvious we have the world in front of us.” He pauses to kiss my hair this time. He’s being so tender and sweet. “This is the first time in a very long time I feel like that about my life too. I was simply existing for so long. You changed that and now I can see it all. The last several months have been some of the best ever for me. I love my job, my friends, my life, but most importantly I love you. Some days you make me laugh, some days you make me angry, but every day you make me smile and every day you make me happy to be alive. I may be moving too fast—God, I hope not—but I don’t want to waste another moment.”

  He stops talking and turns me to face him. Before I can ask why his eyes are glistening like he might cry, he presents me with a little black velvet box. I glance at it and back at him three times in quick succession. Is this what I think it is?

  My eyes widen as he shoves it closer. “Go ahead, open it.” His voice is soft and holds a little bit of tension. As I flick the box open, I’m faced with the most beautiful diamond ring I’ve ever seen. This time when I glance up to his face I see a little bit of fear in the creases in his forehead.

  “Colby, will you marry me? Will you share my life?”

  “Victor,” I breathe. I don’t know why I didn’t expect this. When I was running through crazy scenarios in my head all week about why he was being weird this didn’t come to mind at all. I swallow hard trying to clear the emotion from my throat. “Yes! Yes, I’ll marry you and share your life.”

  A tear slides down his cheek and a brilliant smile lights his face. His fingers thread into my hair and he pulls me close as he kisses me hard and long, the ring box smashed between us. When he finally releases me, he helps to take the ring out of the box and slide it on my finger. I hold it out in front of me. “It’s beautiful, perfect for me,” I tell him.

  “You like it?”

  I shake my head quickly. “No. I love it. How did you choose it?”

  “I narrowed it down to three and then I called Shaunda and Dana to help me pick the right one.”

  My mouth drops open. “Those dirty rats! They didn’t tell me anything!”

  “I swore them to secrecy. That’s where I was on Monday when you came by work. I went to the cemetery to take flowers for Carol’s birthday and then met them at the jewelry store. I wanted to tell you what I was up to when you said you came by, but I didn’t want the memory of the moment I asked you to marry me to be in my condo kitchen.”

  “I’ve been worried all week that you might break up with me or that you found someone else or that you were moving away. I had no idea what was going on. You’ve been quieter than usual.”

  “I knew if I talked too much I’d spill the beans. I have another question.”

  “Go for it.”

  “Can we start looking at houses? I hate living in that condo. We spend every night together anyway. I don’t want to go back and forth anymore. I don’t want to have to stop by one of our houses to pick up stuff. I want
it all under one roof.”

  This time I take his face in my palms and kiss him long and slow. Damn, I love this man. “Yeah, I’ve been ready for a while but I didn’t want to push you in case you weren’t ready.”

  “This weekend we start looking,” he declares with a smile on his face.

  Epilogue: Victor

  Three Years Later…

  The sweat is running down my neck and back as I run after the toddler headed toward the lake. She’s faster than she should be at two years old. I only turned my back long enough to get the kid carrier pack off of my back and out of the way while Colby set up the picnic blanket. All the other adults are almost to the water so I don’t really have to worry, but when it comes to Jackie, my sweet active little girl, I don’t mess around. Her high-pitched squeal makes my hearing aids ring uncomfortably as I snatch her up and cuddle her close. “No, Daddy! Swim!” she yells as I spin her to face me and blow raspberries on her belly.

  “You have to wait for Mommy and me to go in.”

  “No! Unca Marsh take me!” She reaches toward where Marshall and Dana are in the water already with their one-year-old son, David.

  “Uncle Marshall has his hands full with David.”

  Marshall must hear our conversation because he yells back to me. “Vic, send her this way. I’ll bring her in with us. I know you have to get situated. Dana has David.”

  I chuckle. “Okay, squirt. You win. Uncle Marshall is going to swim with you, but we have to take off your shoes and shorts.”

  When I set her down she dances in place, in a hurry to join everyone else. As soon as I get the shorts off she sprints from my grasp toward a dripping Marshall who is now standing by the water’s edge waiting for her. When she gets close enough she leaps into his arms, her blond hair flying behind her as her happy squeals fill the air again.

  Shaunda is on Jeff’s back in the water, and both are laughing as they watch their boys have a serious water wrestling match. Gunner and Wyatt are both doing their best to take Knox down, but he isn’t going without a fight.

  I turn back to my wife and watch as she shimmies off her shorts and tank top, revealing the slightly rounded belly that comes with being newly pregnant again, and think about how lucky I am. I married her six months after we moved in together and got her pregnant right away. My wife pregnant is a beautiful sight.

  “Your brother spoils our kid rotten,” I say as I strip of my socks and hiking boots.

  “He’s turned out to be quite the softy. Dana has mellowed him out big time.”

  “A good woman will do the trick.” I grin at her as I take her in my arms. “You feeling okay? You need to rest a little bit?”

  “I’m tired, but I’m good. It’s nice to be out of the house and specifically out of the bathroom. I hate the puking portion of pregnancy.”

  “I know, but you should be in the clear now. Four and a half months is past the danger zone.”

  She grins up at me and says, “Thanks for dragging me out. I forgot how much Jackie loves this place.” We both look over to see Marshall tossing her into the air and catching her before her head can go under the water.

  “She loves the water but I think she loves being anywhere Uncle Marshall and Aunt Dana are,” I remind her.

  “Yeah, they are good aunt and uncle material. If you would’ve told me five years ago that those two would end up married with a kid I’d have laughed myself silly, but every time I see them together it makes more sense,” she says smiling bigger now.

  I kiss her forehead, having no need to reply to that because what she says is the truth. Apparently, they were dancing around each other for a couple of years and when Dana broke her leg on our first hike he finally got his head out of his ass. It just took them a while to tell the rest of us. I suspected it long before they told us, but I kept that to myself.

  I move over to the backpack and remove my hearing aids for safe keeping, now I’m ready to get in the water. When I stand, Colby reaches toward me and we head to the water hand in hand. When we get close, I surprise her by scooping her up in my arms and running straight into the water until I topple over, soaking us both. When Colby surfaces she’s sputtering water and by the look on her face, laughing too. She smacks me on the arm playfully and turns around, reaching her arms out to a waiting Jackie who swims right into them. I’m so pleased we got her those swim lessons at the indoor pool during the winter. The kid loves the water so much I was afraid she’d jump in somewhere and sink.

  Colby passes Jackie off to me and my little girl lifts her hands and signs to me that she wants to go back to Uncle Marshall. Another thing my little smarty-pants has learned is some sign language. It helps when my hearing aids are out, and it’s been awesome to have our own little family language. She thinks it’s cool and we are all learning it together.

  I look around me as I tread water, taking in the beautiful scenery. Not just the landscape but also my family and our friends, and I think about how lucky I am that I was able to find life in the most unexpected place—right outside the gates of a cemetery. Surviving Afghanistan and then Carol’s death makes moments like this even sweeter because I understand that life is both beautiful and fleeting. It’s worth it to survive every low moment because there are these kinds of high moments waiting on the other side.

  Colby

  As I watch my little girl using her new sign language skills with her daddy, I can’t help but be proud. She’s smart as a whip, just like her daddy, with a little dose of rowdy, like me. I can’t wait to see what personality our little boy will have. My life reads like a fairy tale these days and it feels good to be happy.

  My sister has been given another clean bill of health and her boys are growing up to be funny, polite and interesting kids. They are all so different but my love for them has stayed the same. They spend a lot of time with us because Victor is good about teaching them cool survival tricks and taking them places.

  The shop is doing well, Victor’s job has been amazing, and my little family is growing in a way that makes us happy. I’m not even sad that I had to give up driving the monster truck because I got pregnant with Jackie sooner than we expected. I thought I would miss it, but I don’t. It’s hard to miss something when your life is as full as mine.

  Victor still goes out to Carol’s grave every year for her birthday and takes her pink roses. I love that he’s kept that up. He was afraid to tell me about it, but I discovered a receipt the second year we were together and asked him about it since I obviously never got roses. He came clean and told me. When I didn’t get angry he was surprised. I explained to him that I wouldn’t want to be with a man who could forget someone he loved even if they were no longer around. To me, his continued commitment is sweet and appropriate. That seemed to settle him down quite a bit.

  Jackie again reaches for my brother, who scoops her up and tosses her in the air. The sound of her giggles ring out as my nephews swim toward them yelling for a turn too. Victor watches them all with such happiness on his face that I can’t help but move over to him, wrap my arms around his neck and kiss his cheek. When he turns to face me, I’m reminded of how lucky I am to have a man like him to spend the rest of my life with.

  Ten Years Later…

  Wyatt

  It’s been a long night. I finally broke down and told my parents that after my eighteenth birthday a few weeks ago I enlisted in the Army. My high school graduation is in a few days and they’ve been bugging me about registering for fall classes and putting the deposit down on my dorm room in Denver. I was afraid to tell them because I knew my dad would lose his shit, but Uncle Victor told me to man up and do it.

  I went to him several months ago asking questions about the Army, knowing he’d give me the truth about how life in the military really is. He encouraged me to go to college and then enter as an officer after I graduated if I still wanted to join. I took into consideration what he said for a few days and then decided against it.

  What none of the adults in my life
has factored in when talking to me about life after high school is the fact that I don’t want to go to college. I’ve had a hard enough time going to high school every day. Not because I’m not smart; I’m a steady A/B student without studying at all, but I don’t want to be a suit and tie guy. I don’t want to sit behind a computer or be stuck in board meetings all day long. Corporate life will never be my thing. I want the physicality of military life, I want to face the danger, and I want to fight my way through it.

  My older brother, Knox, is definitely the suit and tie kind of guy. He’s in college now with plans to be an architect and is doing great. He loves his classes, enjoys reading, studying and creating things using math. But that’s my big brother. Always the smartest guy in the room, an overachiever since birth. I look up to him and admire him for the man he is, but I’m not Knox.

  Who knows what Gunner will end up doing. Right now, he’s a high school horndog working his way through dating every beautiful girl in our high school and was close to achieving that goal until he met the likes of Erin Brown. She is by far the prettiest, sweetest girl in our high school and won’t give him the time of day. The first time he asked her out she told him that she’s not interested in jumping aboard the Gunner Beaumont Express where so many had ridden before her. Since then he’s asked her out three more times and each time she’s said no. He’s finally met his match and is determined to get her to go out with him. That has become his whole life’s focus.

  Anyway, I told my parents about my Army enlistment about four hours ago. Mom started crying, Dad stormed out, cussing the whole way, and Gunner just shook his head and walked back to his room. I hugged my mom, hoping to stop her from crying, and then took off to stay with Knox in Denver for the night.