Addicted to Lust

by Amy Tasukada

  “Have you ever thought about getting married and having kids?” Masuo asked, using all the courage within him.

  “Have I ever told you how massive your cock is?”

  “Why do you always switch to sex every time I want to talk about something serious?”

  Hayato sighed. “I’m gay, Masuo.”

  “I know.”

  “So I don’t think a bunch of crusty old politicians that think I’m the cause of the low birth rate will suddenly think it’s a good idea to allow me to marry.”

  “Come on. The whole world is changing. They only reason it’s a big deal here is because of the Meiji Restoration.”

  Hayato put his fingers to Masuo’s lips. “You’re bi, so you can think about a family and marriage. The closest I’ve come is thinking about being the cool uncle that buys my brother’s offspring drinks.”

  “But if the law did change, would you want to?”

  “I’m not going to lie to you.”

  Masuo’s heart broke. “So that’s a no.”

  Hayato sighed. “It’s an I don’t know. Ask me when the law changes. It’s not like I grew up with a shiny example of marriage.”

  It wasn’t a no, and Hayato was right. It wasn’t until Murata had become godfather that Masuo had thought it was possible to be himself. But why couldn’t his desire for marriage and kids be a goal with a man or a woman? His parents had met when they were his age. They’d gotten engaged a year later, then married the year after that. Masuo wanted to make sure whoever he was in a relationship with wanted the same thing.

  “So we’re not going to go for three rounds.” Hayato looked down at Masuo’s soft cock.

  He laughed. “Maybe once I get Mondays off again.”

  “In a few months, then.”

  “Months? I was hoping to get days off after my huge profits start rolling in following the grand reopening.”

  “You wish.”

  “I’m at least on the right track,” Masuo said. “You’ve been collecting money every day since I made that deal with the nightclub.”

  “Sure, maybe you’re turning this place into a popular spot, but you only get that day off if I say so.”

  “Hmm, then I better make sure to treat you right.”

  “If we have more days like today, then you’ll have no issues getting Mondays off.” Hayato’s fingers trailed against Masuo’s cheek. “First the phone sex, and now the cop yakuza role-play. It’s like you know all my kinks.”

  “Well, you did make a list for me.” Masuo laughed, but Hayato’s face remained blank. The little jab of playful tease to get Masuo over his heartache melted. “You don’t remember the list, do you?”

  “I was drinking.” Hayato shrugged, and the last touch of euphoria shattered.

  “Should I assume you don’t remember anything when you drink?”

  “Usually I’m fine, but January is a hard month. I let myself drink a little too much. It happens.”

  Masuo’s muscles tensed, and staying so close to Hayato grew to feel too much like a lie. Masuo stood and ripped the list from the notebook on the desk. He crumpled it up and tossed it at Hayato.

  “I thought we were going down the list the whole time,” Masuo said.

  “I’m sorry.” Hayato sounded sincere, but it didn’t soothe the burn in Masuo’s heart. “I can bring you naked breakfast in bed tomorrow morning.”

  “I don’t want it like that.” Masuo shook his head. “You don’t get it. I want someone who remembers our evenings together. Someone who will be there for me and is willing to sacrifice. Maybe we aren’t meant—”

  “I love you.”

  Masuo’s mouth dropped open, but he was too shocked to speak.

  “I love you,” Hayato repeated. “Please, don’t…”

  His eyes turned glassy and wet, like he’d finally opened himself up to something raw and true for the first time, and it pained him.

  The confession sent Masuo’s world asunder like a cheap umbrella caught in a typhoon. He’d been ready to call the whole thing off, but now… When he looked into Hayato’s eyes, he knew his confessed words were true, but when Masuo thought of Hayato and their relationship, the future felt too foggy to see. It wasn’t love, at least not yet, but he did feel something.

  Masuo pressed his lips together and took Hayato’s hand in his. “I felt our bond the first night when you held my hand. I’m not sure how I feel, but I’m curious to see where it leads.”

  17

  During the whole walk to Subaru’s, Hayato couldn’t get Masuo out of his head. Yesterday, the confession of love had leaped from Hayato’s throat and had taken a swan dive to the parlor’s concrete floor. Sure, the words helped solve the problem in the short term, but why had he said them? Did he love Masuo? When had that happened? They had only known each other for two weeks. Could you love someone after two weeks? They were just having fun, right? But then why had Hayato’s insides been crushed when Masuo hadn’t said “I love you” back? Even thinking about it sent Hayato’s heart aching like it had been steamrolled into oblivion.

  January made everything so damn complicated.

  Hayato knocked on Subaru’s door, but Fumiko answered.

  She pulled Hayato into an embrace like they hadn’t seen each other in years when it had been a week. The only new things in the apartment were a few pictures of the couple and a bar cart stocked with alcohol in the far corner.

  “You like the apartment so far?” Hayato asked.

  “It’s perfect.” A honeymoon glow beamed from Fumiko’s smile.

  Subaru could’ve decorated the place with his smelly socks, and she would’ve said the same thing.

  “You want a drink?” Fumiko asked.

  “Your cocktails are always delicious.”

  Hayato scooted into the kitchen and saw Subaru loading the last of some pork buns inside a bamboo steamer. Hayato handed him the lid so he could say he helped out.

  “Is she a better roommate than me?” he asked.

  “Having Fumiko around does come with more perks.” Subaru laughed and gave his brother a warm hug.

  They chatted about work while the buns steamed. Fumiko’s choice of cocktail was bright orange with a zesty, fresh aftertaste. She and Subaru worked together to get the table set. Hayato could only smile. Maybe one day he and Masuo would be at a point where they knew what the other was thinking. Hayato bit the inside of his cheek. There he was, thinking about Masuo again. He’d been the perfect boyfriend even when Hayato had fucked up and couldn’t remember something important to him. Hayato would have to try harder if he wanted something as solid as what Fumiko and Subaru had.

  Subaru brought the steamer to the table and gave Fumiko the first bun.

  “The new apartment going good?” Subaru asked.

  “I love it. There’s always activity going on in the lounge. It’s perfect.”

  “So next week we’ll eat at your place?”

  “Maybe in a few weeks. I’m still getting used to it. When’s the next competition?” Hayato hoped getting them to talk about dancing would get their minds off him.

  “We have a little hop happening later tonight, but the real start of the season is next week,” Fumiko said. “With all the moving, we decided to go freestyle so we wouldn’t need to practice anything.”

  Hayato nodded. “Sometimes it’s good to take a break.”

  She looked at Subaru and gave a half smile. They were planning something. Had Subaru dropped by his apartment unannounced and seen how empty it was? Hayato could say all the furniture he liked was on back order. He couldn’t let Subaru worry. Not when he had such a good thing with Fumiko.

  “So the twenty-second is coming up,” Subaru said, his tone rehearsed. “I know we usually visit Mother’s grave together, but…”

  Fumiko picked it up from there. “I was hoping I could visit her grave with you. Would that be okay?”

  Steam rose out of Hayato’s half-eaten bun. He closed his eyes. It was only six days away. The weight b
ore down on his shoulders and wrapped around his neck. The day was so close. And Fumiko wanted to join in like it was some fun family tradition?

  “Why would you want to go to something so depressing?” Hayato asked.

  “I don’t think it’s depressing. I help my parents clean our family grave every year. Subaru joined us last year, and it was nice.” She interlaced her fingers with Subaru’s.

  “I took off the day, so whatever time works for you,” Subaru added.

  Of course she would want to come with Subaru. They were becoming a family, and visiting graves would become a tradition just like the weekly dinners.

  Subaru was getting a handle on his life. Hayato should too. He didn’t want to intrude. He should be building his own independence and allowing his brother the chance at happiness.

  “This year, I want to try going by myself.” Hayato hoped the words came out stronger than he felt.

  “We’ve gone together every year.” Subaru’s eyes narrowed. “Is it because Fumiko wants to come? She doesn’t have to. That’s why she’s asking if it’s okay with you first.”

  “I know your mother was special to you both. That’s why I wanted to go,” Fumiko added. “But I can stay behind.”

  Hayato didn’t know if she knew how bad his monophobia was or if Subaru had even mentioned it. Or maybe they both weren’t even thinking about it. The one time Subaru believed one of Hayato’s lies, and it was the biggest one.

  “I don’t care that she’s coming.” The words came out harsher than he intended. “Sorry, what I mean is, I need to learn to do things by myself.”

  Subaru opened his mouth, then closed it, his face turning expressionless. He couldn’t argue with Hayato finally trying to live like a normal person who wasn’t scared he’d die without someone else there.

  “If you want to go by yourself, that’s fine, but I’m going to ask you again the day before in case you change your mind.”

  “This is something I’ve been thinking over for a while,” Hayato lied, but it would keep Subaru from worrying.

  If Hayato could make it through the worst day of the year without needing his brother’s companionship, then maybe Hayato could finally start a real life on his own. Furniture shopping wouldn’t feel so impossible. Maybe all the future planning Masuo had talked about would become his dream too.

  Hayato finished the last of his pork buns. “I gotta go to work.”

  “Can I walk with you to the station?” Subaru asked.

  “Sure.” If Hayato said no, he’d never hear the end of it.

  They grabbed their coats and headed out. Subaru didn’t speak, probably because he always waited for the awkward silence to grow so uncomfortable Hayato would break first.

  “How did you know Fumiko was the right person?” The question flew out of Hayato’s mouth without a thought. He needed to get a handle on that or the next thing he knew, he’d be the one asking for Masuo’s hand.

  “I knew she was the right person when I couldn’t stop thinking about her,” Subaru said.

  “Do you love her?”

  “Of course.”

  “When did you tell her?”

  Subaru’s breath fogged around him as he let out a deep sigh. “About a year ago.”

  “Did you tell her as soon as you knew?”

  Subaru grinned. “You’re sure asking a lot of love questions. You’ve been with a lot of guys. Haven’t you loved some of them? Or is something different about Masuo?”

  Hayato swore one day he’d learn Subaru’s super secret I-know-everything-about-you powers. Maybe it came from his extra three minutes of life.

  “Well?” Subaru pressed.

  “I kind of blurted out that I loved him.”

  “And what did he say?”

  “He didn’t say it back, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “That must’ve hurt,” Subaru said. “But you’d want him to be honest about it, right?”

  “With my exes, they said it first, and I said it back. At the time, I thought I meant it, but now…” Hayato rubbed his chest. “I’m not sure if that was true. Did I love them, or did I love their company, or did I just love fucking them? I mean, I told Jiro I loved him, but we ended up being horrible for each other.”

  “Is that why you’re working so hard to get over your monophobia? So you can make sure what you feel for Masuo is real?”

  A tingling tickled at the back of Hayato’s throat. Hayato wasn’t sure. All his feelings had become a jumbled ball of confusion. January sucked, and the closer it got to the anniversary of his mother’s death, the more confusing everything got.

  “If it helps any, I knew I loved Fumiko after a month,” Subaru said. “I didn’t tell her, but I would show her. Sometimes I think the only reason I said it was because there were rumors about the Korean mob wanting to take Kyoto. I wanted her to know in case something happened.”

  “But like…” Hayato pressed his lips together and wished his heart would stop aching. “You and Fumiko are perfect for each other. How did you know it would work?”

  “It’s a relationship. It takes two people trying to make it work. It’s more than knowing that I love her. She challenges and pushes me to become a better person. She wants me to become the best version of myself I can be, and I want her to be the best Fumiko she can be.” Subaru shook his head and laughed. “This might be all the swing competition stuff talking.”

  “It makes sense.”

  Hayato could push Masuo to be a better parlor manager, and so far Masuo had pushed Hayato to care more about their relationship and not only focus on how they were in bed.

  “I know you always say whatever’s on your mind, so if you told Masuo you love him, then I think that’s truly how you feel.”

  Hayato crossed his arms. “Now you’re working on getting the best brother of the year award.”

  “Maybe Masuo wouldn’t mind visiting Mom’s grave. Then all four of us can go together.”

  “On the worst double date ever? You totally lost your position for that award.”

  Subaru chuckled. “I’m sure I’ll earn it back.”

  “I need…” Hayato bit his lip. “It’s time I learn to be by myself.”

  “You already have your own place. You’ve been there a whole week. You’re already doing it.” Subaru gave Hayato a big hug. “I’m proud of you. I know Mom would be too. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

  If only he knew how badly Hayato had screwed up living alone.

  Hayato rubbed his lower back and leaned against the side of the van. Masuo had taken the keys with him as he signed the car rental paperwork. If only he’d remembered to unlock the van before, the frigid January night might be a little more bearable.

  Masuo left the rental center, jingling the keys in his hand.

  “You got the one with heated seats?” Hayato half joked. He doubted any van had heated seats, but it would’ve been nice.

  “You’ll be warm in no time.”

  Masuo blasted the heat, which only circulated the freezing air.

  “This isn’t working,” Hayato said. “Are you sure it’s not broken?”

  “Give it a few minutes.”

  “I know a way you can warm me up real fast.” Hayato glanced toward the back filled with blankets to cushion the pachinko machines.

  “Tall Ken is expecting us.”

  “He’ll be there all night. We’ve got time.”

  Masuo laughed like Hayato had told a joke.

  By the time they turned onto the highway, heat blew from the vents. Hayato took his hands out of his pockets and pressed them against his thighs.

  With only four days before the parlor’s grand reopening, Hayato should’ve been happy Masuo had allowed him to tag along and distract him with dirty jokes.

  “I should have enough to get five new machines,” Masuo said. “If I stick them by the front, I think I’ll attract more people.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  Masuo talked more about ads and how
the deal he’d struck with the club’s manager was gaining momentum. Hayato tried to pay attention. Getting the parlor up to snuff was what Masuo was interested in. If it was important to him, it was important to Hayato, but then Masuo started talking about increases in return rates and gross profits to the third decimal point.

  “What kind of music do you like?” Hayato asked.

  “Rock.”

  “Good, me too.” Hayato clicked on the radio and flipped through the stations.

  “Okay, okay. I get it. I’ll stop talking about the parlor.”

  Hayato switched off the radio. “Good because I thought the stock market station had been left on.”

  Masuo hid a laugh behind a playful smile.

  “Did you get everything with your apartment situated?” Masuo asked.

  “It’s pretty much the same.”

  “You haven’t bought any furniture?”

  “I bought a futon, sure, but now I think I want a Western bed. Then I need to get a bed frame, and do the sheets need to match the curtains then? It’s so much I don’t know what to get.”

  The apartment had turned into nothing more than an expensive closet. Hayato would go to work, then finish the day by circling back to hang out as Masuo painted or tweaked the machines. If Hayato was lucky, Masuo would agree to a movie, but the past few days, it had been too close to the reopening for him to stay out late. So Hayato would head home, change, and go to the bar. Once that closed, he’d head to the manga café, where he’d accidentally fall asleep, since he’d been banned from the apartment’s lounge.

  “You seem like someone who knows their style,” Masuo said.

  “Clothes, sure, but furniture? It’s like being abandoned on a different planet.” Hayato adjusted one of Masuo’s vents to face him. Masuo never complained about the cold, so he wouldn’t mind.

  “Maybe you need someone to give you a second opinion. I can go with you. My apartment furniture might be crappy, but I have more than you, it seems.”

  “I can’t ask you to gallivant around furniture stores while I find my style. You have more important things to do with the parlor.”