Heartbeat

by Danielle Steel

  “I'm not going to let you marry me under duress, feeling that you owe me something, or have an obligation to help me out, or that the baby ought to have a father. When you get married, it should be because you want to, not because you have to, or think you owe it to someone.”

  “Has anyone ever told you that you're nuts? Sexy …beautiful …great legs …but definitely nuts. I am not asking you to marry me because I feel an obligation. I happen to be madly in love with you, and have been for six months, or hadn't you noticed? Remember me, I'm the guy you've been living with since last summer, the guy whose kid you saved, and whose kids, plural, think you walk on water.”

  She looked pleased by what he said, but she still shook her head. “It's still not right.”

  “Why not?”

  “It's not fair to the baby.”

  He looked at her almost harshly then. He had heard this argument before and he didn't like it. “Or are you really saying it's not fair to Steven?”

  She hesitated for a moment and then nodded. She felt an obligation to save him from himself too. “He doesn't know what he's giving up. He has to have a chance to understand that decision, to think it out clearly, after the baby's born, before I move on and shut him out forever.”

  “The law doesn't seem to agree with you. They approved those papers, Adrian. He no longer has any claim to that baby.”

  “Legally, you're right. But morally? Can you really say that?”

  “Christ, I don't know what I can say anymore.” He got out of bed and paced the room, glancing at her, and almost tripping over the little white basket. “I know one thing. I've stuck my neck way out for you …and my heart …and my guts …and whatever else you want. And I've done it because I love you, and the baby. I don't need to wait to see it, or check it out, to decide if it's cute or not, or take my emotional temperature the day it's born. It is and you are and I am, and we are exactly what I've always wanted. I'm telling you that I want to marry you, for better or worse, in sickness or in health, forever. That's all I want, just the two of you. And for the last seven years I've been too damn scared to offer that to anyone. I've been too scared even to let myself think it. Because, as I told you before, I never wanted to care that much again, or have a woman walk out on me and take my children. This baby isn't mine, it's his, as you keep pointing out to me, but I love it as though it were mine, and I don't want to lose it. I don't want to play games with you. I don't want to sit here waiting until he comes back, and takes back everything I've come to love. I don't think he will anyway, and I've told you that before too. But I'm also not going to sit here with my door open forever, waiting for him to come to his senses, or get bored with the bimbos in his life, and come back to you and the baby. As far as I'm concerned, Adrian, he can't have you. But if he does want you, and you want him, you'd both better make up your minds quick. I want to get on with our life, I want to marry you, I want to adopt that baby you've been carrying around in you for nine months while I feel it kicking. I'm not going to sit here with my heart and my guts wide-open forever. So if you want to talk about fair, let's talk about it. What's fair? How long is fair? Just how long am I expected to be 'fair' to Steven?”

  “I don't know.” She was impressed by everything he'd said. And she loved him more than ever. She wanted to go to him now, but she still felt she had to wait. But he was right too. It wasn't fair to expect him to wait forever.

  “What sounds fair to you? A week? A month? A year? Do you want to give him a month after the baby's born, and just make sure via his attorneys that he still doesn't want any contact with the child? Does that sound reasonable?” He was trying to be fair, too, but she was driving him crazy.

  “I'm not going to go back to him,” she explained. There was no longer any doubt in her mind. But sometimes Bill wasn't as sure. He still worried about it when she talked about being fair to him. And women were odd sometimes about the men who had fathered their children, they gave them more understanding, more leeway. It wasn't that way with men, who could never be entirely sure who their children were. But women could. They knew. And he wondered if in some ways, she would feel bound to Steven forever through their baby. He hoped not. But she couldn't answer that yet either. “It's just the baby, Bill …it's just …”

  “I know … I know … I understand …you just scare me sometimes.” He sat down next to her on the bed and there were tears in his eyes now too. “I love you.”

  “I love you too,” she said softly as he kissed her.

  “Shall we give it a month then? A month after the baby's born. We contact the bastard after the baby comes, we give him a month to change his mind, and after that we forget him forever? Is that a deal?”

  She nodded somberly. It sounded reasonable to her, and it was more than Steven deserved. He had signed the termination papers after all …termination …dissolution …it sounded almost like a murder, and in some ways it had been. In some ways what he had done to her had almost killed her. But on the other hand, Bill had saved her. And for that she would be eternally grateful. In truth, she owed Bill far more. And yet …Steven had been her husband. It was all so damn confusing. To whom did she owe the greatest loyalties? To whom did she owe the most? To Bill because he'd been there for her …and yet …she hated herself for feeling torn, but she did. In her heart, there was only one. But in her mind, there were always two. And that was the problem. But they had agreed on a month after the baby was born. And that seemed fair to her too. And after that, the door would be closed to Steven forever. For her, and the baby. He didn't even know it, but she was giving him a gift of time and choice that he hadn't even wanted.

  “And then you'll marry me?” Bill pressed her, and she nodded with a shy smile. “Are you sure?” She nodded again, and then looked down demurely and spoke in a whisper.

  “I have a confession to make first.”

  “Oh, shit. Now what?” He was at his wits' end. It had been a long night and he was tired.

  “I lied to you.” He was getting worried as she went on, barely able to look at him.

  “About what?”

  He could hardly hear the words as she confessed. “I'm not really a virgin.”

  There was a long silence, and he scowled at her with a look of immense relief as she suppressed a giggle. “Slut!” he growled at her, and then, in spite of himself and the remorse he knew he would feel afterward, he made love to her again, and when it was over, they slept peacefully in each other's arms until morning.

  ADRIAN HAD THE DAY OFF ON CHRISTMAS DAY, AND they stayed in bed for a long time, dozing and snuggling and then the phone rang at nine-fifteen. It was Adam and Tommy, calling from Stowe, where they were skiing with their mother. They were both excited and full of life, and after they hung up, Adrian smiled and wished Bill a merry Christmas. They both leapt out of bed, and went to their respective hiding places and came back with their arms laden with brightly wrapped presents. His were all wrapped by stores, and hers were wrapped the way she cooked. But he loved everything she gave him. He was crazy about the television and the phone, and he put the sweater on under a red leather baseball jacket she had bought him just two days before when she was walking down Melrose.

  And she loved her presents too. He had bought her a beautiful green suede dress from Giorgio, for after the baby, and a Hermes bag, the black alligator “Kelly” one she had coveted every time they walked past there. And books, and a pair of funny pink shoes with watermelons on them, and three beautiful nightgowns and a robe for when she had the baby. And he had bought her all kinds of silly little trinkets, a gold key chain, and an antique pen, and a Mickey Mouse watch that she loved, and a book of poetry that said everything she felt for him. She was crying by the time she had finished opening all of it, and he looked immensely pleased by her reaction. And then he disappeared again, and returned with a small box wrapped in turquoise paper and white satin ribbon.

  “Oh, no, not more!” She hid her face in the black leather gloves he had bought her at Gucci. T
hey had little red bows on them and she loved them. “Bill, you can't!”

  “You're right.” He grinned. “I won't, and I didn't. But just for the hell of it, why don't you open this one?” But as she looked at it, she was afraid to. Instinct told her that this one was a biggie. “Go on …don't be so chicken. …” With trembling fingers, she opened it, and found first a cardboard box in the same blue as the paper with Tiffany written across it. And then, a heavy black suede box within it. And slowly, slowly, she opened it, and gasped. It was a diamond band, made of baguettes, and she sat staring at it in wonder. “Go on, silly.” He took it from her gently. “Put it on … if it fits …” He knew that her hands were slightly swollen, and he had guessed at her ring size. But when he slipped it on for her, it fit perfectly.

  “Oh, my God …oh, Bill …” She sat looking at him in disbelief, as tears rolled down her cheeks. “It's so beautiful, but …” She had already told him the other day that she wasn't ready yet to get married. And it was a very handsome wedding ring, the kind a few lucky women get after twenty years of marriage. But his show had just won yet another award, and she knew that although he was discreet about it, it was making a fortune, so he could afford it.

  “I thought you should look respectable when you go to the hospital. So it's actually an engagement ring, but I thought it was prettier than a big rock, and this way,” he said shyly as he looked at her, “it'll look kind of married. I'll get you a plain gold one if you want when we get married.” It was beautiful, and she loved it. And she loved him even more. He was incredible. And as she looked at the ring on her left hand, she was dazzled. She had taken her gold wedding ring off finally, two months before, because it had gotten too small for her as her hands swelled, and in spite of her condition, it no longer seemed appropriate to wear it.

  “My God, Bill, this is gorgeous!”

  “Do you really like it?” He looked so pleased and she was so touched by everything he had done for her.

  “Are you kidding? Like it! I love it!” She grinned and lay back in their bed again, displaying the ring with a broad smile, and noticing that it had a huge amount of sparkle. “I'm going to impress the hell out of the nurses when I have the baby.”

  “Funny.” He squinted at her. “You don't look engaged.” He patted her stomach then, and felt the baby kick him. “It must be a girl,” he said happily.

  “Why?” She was still looking at her ring. She couldn't believe it.

  “She stamps her feet all the time,” he said matter-of-factly.

  “Maybe she wants a ring like her mother's.” She smiled and leaned over to kiss him, doubly glad that she had bought the beautiful Cartier watch for him that she was going to give him on New Year's Day for his birthday. It had eaten a sizable piece of her profits from the sale of the condo, but she thought it was worth it. And she was saving the rest of the money for the baby. Bill had already told her that he wanted to pay her hospital bill, and she had insisted that she wouldn't let him.

  “You're sure you don't want to reconsider and get married right away?” he asked hopefully, still trying to persuade her. If nothing else, it would mean putting his name on the baby's birth certificate, which seemed a lot nicer than the “father unknown” that was her only choice now, or just to leave it blank, as the attorney had suggested. But if she and Bill got married, they could always have it adjusted and add his name later.

  But she looked sad as she looked at Bill, not wanting to hurt him. “I still think we should wait.” They had agreed on February, as an outside date, if all went well, and Steven didn't pose a problem by altering everything, and changing his mind about the baby. It was a period of grace Bill still felt strongly he didn't deserve. But she still seemed to think he would come flying through the delivery room doors the moment she had the baby. And somehow, Bill felt sure she would come to her senses and be more realistic after she had the baby. Right now, she still seemed to need the fantasy that one day Steven would have regrets about the baby. Maybe it was her way of protecting herself from the sad reality that Steven didn't care about her or the baby.

  They spent a quiet afternoon, and he cooked dinner for them that night, a turkey that he worked on all afternoon, as she relaxed on the couch, and took a nap, still wearing the beautiful ring he had given her that morning.

  And Zelda commented on it when she went to work the next day. It was impossible to miss it, and the redhead's eyes flew wide-open when she saw it.

  “Wow! Did you get married over the weekend?”

  “Nope.” Adrian smiled mysteriously. “Engaged,” she said, and laughed to herself. She seemed awfully pregnant to be contemplating a mere engagement.

  “That's quite a ring,” Zelda said admiringly.

  “He's quite a guy,” Adrian added, and went back to see one of the editors in the newsroom.

  She spent the rest of the week trying to tie up loose ends, and trying to explain all of her projects to Zelda. She was going to be leaving in two weeks and it seemed like an impossible task to get everything wrapped up before she left. And halfway through the week someone contacted her from Bill's show, and told her they were planning a surprise party for his fortieth birthday. They wanted her collaboration in getting him there, and she was happy and excited for him. His actual birthday was on New Year's Day, and they were going to have the party that afternoon, right on the set, with a band, and past and present members of the cast, and as many of his friends as they could contact. And Adrian thought it sounded great. She could hardly contain herself on New Year's Eve, keeping the secret.

  They had dinner with friends on New Year's Eve, it was a small party that a writer he knew was giving at Chasen's, and afterward as they drove home, Adrian was very sleepy. Bill had had a fair amount to drink, but he wasn't drunk, and it was just after midnight when they got home, and he climbed into bed as soon as he was undressed, and was almost asleep when she got in beside him.

  “Happy New Year,” she whispered, and he smiled. “Happy birthday too!” She was thinking about the party the next day, but he was already asleep before she'd finished the words, and as she looked down at him, she leaned over and kissed him. He was so sweet, and so good to her, and she loved him so much. She lay there, awake for a while, tired, but no longer as sleepy as she had been an hour before, and then suddenly as she lay there, she felt a sharp kick, and then a tightening of everything from her chest to her thighs, so much so that she could hardly breathe, but it didn't really hurt her. It was another practice round, she figured. She was almost used to the warm-up contractions now. They happened mostly on busy days, or when she was very tired, and she didn't really mind them. She lay there, thinking peacefully for a little while, and she felt another tightening, and then another. And she decided to try one of his tricks, without bothering him. She went and helped herself to half a glass of wine, and took a sip. But this time it didn't stop them. By three o'clock, the contractions were coming regularly, but she still didn't believe they were for real, so she turned the light off and tried to go to sleep, but every time she had one it woke her up, so finally after turning from side to side, Bill stirred and asked her what was the matter.

  “Nothing,” she grumbled. “It's those stupid contractions.”

  He opened one eye in the dark and looked at her lying next to him. “Does it feel like the real thing?”

  “No.” They were making her uncomfortable, but she knew that was only because she was tired, and she was certain that she wasn't in labor. The baby wasn't due for another two weeks, and there was no reason for it to come early. She had seen the doctor only the day before, and she had seen nothing unexpected either, even though she had pointed out that technically, the baby was now full term, and could come anytime from now on, and until two weeks after her due date.

  “How long have you had them?” Bill murmured as he turned away on his side again.

  “I don't know …three or four hours.” It was almost three-thirty.

  “Take a hot bath.” That was an
other of his magic recipes, but that one worked too. She had tried it several times when she had contractions, and it always stopped them. And the doctor had told them that when it was the real thing, nothing would stop it, not wine or hot baths, or standing on her head. When the baby wanted to come, it would. And she hated to get out of bed and take a bath now just to stop the contractions. “Go on,” Bill nudged her, “try it, so you can get to sleep.”

  She padded into the bathroom shortly after that, and he smiled as he watched her waddle, and then dozed off as he listened to her run the tub, and it seemed like hours later when he heard her next to him again, but all of a sudden he felt her stiffen and make a strange noise. It woke him instantly and he looked at her, her face looked tense and her whole body went rigid when she clutched him.

  “Baby, are you okay?” He looked worried as he watched her face and saw beads of perspiration on her forehead as soon as he switched on the light. The bath had definitely not stopped the contractions. And then he smiled as her body relaxed, and there was fear in her eyes. He took her hand in his and kissed her fingers. “I think our little friend wants to celebrate New Year's with us. What do you think, sweetheart? Shall I call the doctor?” But it was obvious to him that she was in labor.

  “No …” She squeezed his hand again. “I'm okay …really …oh, no!” She shouted suddenly. “No, I'm not …oh, Bill!” She grabbed his hand and squeezed hard, forgetting everything they had taught her about breathing. But he reminded her and she panted her way through it. But it was abundantly clear to him that they didn't have time to waste. She was suddenly in a lot of pain, and it was time to go to the hospital. He helped her sit up, and she caught her breath, and went to her closet with a dazed look. She was tired and scared, and she was starting to tremble. And a minute later she came out of her closet again with a look of panic. He ran to her instantly, and helped her into a chair, but she couldn't speak now when she had a contraction. And as she sat there, gasping for air, she remembered the agony of the woman in the movie. But it seemed even worse than that. She couldn't catch her breath, and suddenly the pains were coming one on top of the other.