Heartbeat

by Danielle Steel

  “Don't move …stay calm …keep breathing …” He was talking to himself as much as to her, as he ran and got a big loose dress out of her closet. He helped her off with her nightgown, slipped the dress over her head, and found an old pair of loafers.

  “I can't go looking like this,” she said between pains. He had pulled her worst dress out of the closet.

  “Never mind, you look gorgeous.” He pulled on jeans, a sweater over his head, and slipped into a pair of Docksiders that were under the bed, and kept an eye on her while he called the doctor. She promised to meet them at the hospital within half an hour, and he slowly helped Adrian out of the chair, but before they'd crossed the room she had a blinding contraction. He was beginning to wonder if he should call an ambulance, or if they'd waited too long, but he was determined that she not get her wish to have the baby at home, and he tried to encourage her to walk out with him as soon as the contraction was over. He had her hospital bag in his hand, and they almost made it to the front door before she had another one. They were making slow progress, and she started to cry almost the minute this one started. “It's all right, sweetheart …it's all right. We'll get you to the hospital in a few minutes and you'll feel better.”

  “No, I won't,” she cried, clinging to him for dear life. “Oh, Bill …this is awful …”

  “I know, baby, I know, but it'll be over soon, and we'll have a beautiful baby.” She smiled up at him through her tears and tried to breathe through the pain, but it wasn't easy. He was right, though, it worked, to a point, but she was rapidly getting to the point when she couldn't do it.

  It seemed to take hours to get back to where he had left the car, but he finally got her into the woody and threw her bag onto the backseat. And then he drove as fast as he could to the hospital, hoping that he'd be followed by the highway patrol. For once, he wouldn't have minded being stopped. He was hoping for a police escort, in case she actually had the baby. But she didn't and no one came, and he drove into the emergency entrance and honked, praying that someone would come to help him. An attendant appeared a moment later, as Adrian gripped him, unable to breathe through the contraction. They helped her into a wheelchair, and she was whimpering as they rolled her in at full speed with Bill running along beside her.

  “I can't …Bill …oh …” She was hardly able to speak anymore, and he saw that she was trembling violently, and threw his jacket over her as he tried to keep her distracted.

  “Yes, you can …come on …you're doing fine …good …good …it's almost over.” They were just words, but to her, they were all she had to cling to. He knew that once they were in a labor room, she would be attached to a monitor and they would be able to see exactly how ferocious the contractions were, and how long they were lasting, when they reached their peak, and when they were diminishing so he could tell her a contraction was almost over. But they had none of that now, and all she had was the pain and a sense of terror that it was going to get worse and she would totally lose control. She was starting to think that she was going to die, and she snapped at Bill when he tried to help her out of the wheelchair.

  The doctor was already there, waiting for them, and she helped Adrian into bed, along with a cheerful young nurse, whom Adrian took an immediate dislike to. She was definitely not at her best, and she started to get hysterical when they took off her dress and tried to get the tight belt of the monitor on as another contraction ripped through her.

  “Hang in, Adrian …this'll just take a minute,” the doctor said, assisting the nurse with expert hands while Bill tried to keep Adrian breathing. She was having a rough time, and she suddenly looked at them, startled.

  “It's coming out!” She was horrified as she looked frantically from Bill to the doctor. “It's coming …the baby is coming!”

  “No, it isn't.” The doctor tried to force her to calm down, and told her to pant, while Bill tried to remind her how, but she was screaming and she kept insisting that the baby was coming. “Don't push.” The doctor was almost shouting at her now, and suddenly two more nurses appeared in the room, and the doctor frowned as she looked at the monitor and then spoke to Bill as she washed her hands at the sink in the room. “She's having enormous contractions …and long ones …she may be farther along than we think.” She spoke quietly and Adrian was screaming.

  “It's coming …it's coming …” She was crying incoherently and Bill wanted to cry too. He couldn't stand seeing her in pain, and it got worse as the doctor examined her. She felt as though there was a searing pain shoving its way right through her, and the doctor nodded with satisfaction.

  “It's almost time to push, Adrian …just a few more contractions.”

  “No!” she screamed, and then struggled to sit up, fighting the monitor until she dislodged it from her swollen middle. “I won't! I can't do this!”

  “Yes, you can,” the doctor said again, as Bill tried unsuccessfully to soothe her. It made him feel sick to watch her in pain, and she was writhing in the bed as the doctor conferred with the nurses. It was much worse than the training film and Bill wanted to ask them why they didn't give her something for the pain, but the doctor interrupted him when he tried to ask her. “Would you like to have your baby right here, Adrian? You're going to have your baby very soon. I can see its head now. That's it …come on …you can start pushing.” Adrian gave a hideous scream, and she looked at Bill as though begging him to save her. One of the nurses attached handles to the bed, and another fixed stirrups at the other end, and suddenly everything was draped in blue paper, and they had handed Bill a shower cap and a green gown, and the entire room was transformed, as he held Adrian's shoulders. “That's it …come on …push the baby out of there!” the doctor urged her on, and Adrian continued to insist that she couldn't. Her whole being seemed to be controlled by pain and Bill wanted to beg them to give her something for it. And she screamed every time she pushed as he held her and cried. But no one noticed his tears. Adrian was crying too. They both were, and then suddenly as she fell back again, and then sat up and pushed again, there was a long, reedy wail, and Bill looked up in amazement. He looked at Adrian and she was smiling through her tears and then she was screaming again as she pushed the baby out, and fell back against the pillows exhausted. “It's a boy!” the doctor said, and Adrian and Bill were both crying and laughing, and he looked at the tiny being who was looking at them with big startled eyes and a tiny nose just like his mother's. She was straining to see him, too, and then she gave an awful moan as the doctor delivered the placenta.

  “He's so beautiful,” Bill said in a hoarse voice, “and so are you.” He leaned down and kissed her and she turned to him with a look that they would never share again, a look and a feeling that was born only of this moment, but that they would both remember forever.

  “Is he okay?” she asked weakly.

  “He's perfect,” the doctor announced, doing a little sewing on Adrian. They had just given her a local, but she hadn't even noticed. And the pediatric resident had just arrived to check out the baby. But the baby looked fine. He weighed eight pounds and fourteen ounces, a healthy size, and Bill kept saying that the baby looked just like his mother, but she thought he looked like Bill, which didn't make any sense, but Bill didn't want to say that.

  He helped take the baby to the nursery while they cleaned her up, and he was back again half an hour later. It was only five-fifteen. For a first baby, he had come remarkably quickly. They'd only been in the hospital since four-thirty. But to Adrian for those last few moments, it had seemed endless.

  “I'm so sorry it was so hard for you,” he whispered as he leaned over her, marveling at how different she looked than only moments before. Her hair was combed, her face and body washed, and she had even put on lipstick. She was a totally different person than the woman who had been hysterical and screaming in anguish.

  “It wasn't that hard,” she said quietly, and it was odd, as he looked at her, she seemed suddenly more grown-up now. It was as though in a moment, sh
e had become more of a woman. And before that, she had been a girl. In some ways, she was right, she really had been a virgin. “It really wasn't that bad,” she said happily. “I'd do it again. …” She smiled and he started to laugh. She was saying exactly what he had predicted. “Is he okay?”

  “He's wonderful. They're making him all clean and pretty for you, and then they're going to bring him back.” And a few minutes later, a nurse came back with the baby, all clean and smelling sweet, wrapped tightly in swaddling clothes and a blanket. He opened his eyes when the nurse handed him to her, and Bill and Adrian looked down at him in wonder. He was perfect in every way, and a miracle beyond anything Adrian had ever dreamed of. It reminded Bill of Adam and Tommy in some ways, but this had been different too. Different, and very special. He felt much closer to her suddenly, even closer than he had before, as though they shared one soul, one mind, one heart …and one baby. As though the three of them shared a single heartbeat. And the baby opened his eyes and stared at them, as though trying to remember if he knew them.

  Adrian started to cry again, but they were tears of joy. Everything about this little person had been worth it. He was worth all the pain, the confusion, the anxiety she'd been through. He was even worth the loss of her marriage to Steven, and she was now suddenly doubly glad that she hadn't let Steven force her to abort him. It was a hideous thought, as Bill helped her unwrap him a little and put him to her breast. He took to it at once, as Bill felt tears fill his eyes as he watched them. It was all so simple, so easy, so much what life had been intended for. Two people who loved each other and the children who entered their lives like tiny blessings.

  “What'll we call him?” she whispered to Bill.

  “I keep thinking Thigpen would be nice. It's a hell of a name, though.”

  “I happen to like it,” she said tenderly. She would never forget what he had done for her, how he had been there from the beginning to the end, and she knew she couldn't have gotten through it without him. The medical team seemed much less important. “I'm having the next one at home,” she announced then, and Bill groaned.

  “Please …could I just catch my breath? It isn't even six o'clock in the morning.” But he was happy to hear her talk about “the next one.” And as she smiled at him, she realized it was New Year's Day, and it was his birthday.

  “Happy birthday.” She leaned forward and kissed him as the baby watched them. He made little snuffling noises now and then, but he seemed perfectly at ease between them.

  “That's quite a gift!” It had been a beautiful way to turn forty, a reminder of how precious life was, how simple and rare. The gift of a baby from the woman he loved. It was perfect. “What do you think about Teddy, by the way?”

  She thought about it for a minute and then countered. “How about Sam?”

  He nodded, looking down at him. He was a beautiful child, and the name seemed to suit him. “I love it. Sam Thigpen.” And then he looked at her, not wanting to ask any questions. Was it to be Sam Thigpen, or Sam Townsend, or her maiden name, Sam Thompson? But it was much too soon to ask her.

  Bill stayed with her until eight a.m., and then he went home to shower and clean up and have breakfast. He promised to be back no later than noon, and told her to get some sleep too. And when he left, tiptoeing softly out of the room, he turned back once, and watched them, the baby sleeping in the mother's arms, the two of them so peaceful and so loved, and for the first time in a long time, he was completely fulfilled and at peace, and totally happy.

  ADRIAN WOKE UP AGAIN ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER BILL had left. The baby was still asleep, but the nurses came in to check how she was doing. She was doing fine and she was still having small contractions. But everything appeared to be okay, and she lay quietly for a long time, thinking, after they left her. There were two calls she had to make, and this seemed as good a time to make them as any. She felt almost electrically charged, as she lay looking at her sleeping baby. It was the most exciting day of her life, the happiest moment, and in some ways, she wanted to share it.

  She called Connecticut first, and the call was difficult, but the good news made it a little better.

  “Why didn't you tell me?” her mother asked, shocked by the news that she had a new grandchild when she had never even known Adrian was pregnant. “Isn't he normal?” It was the only reason she could think of for Adrian having not told her. But it was typical of the kind of relationship Adrian had had in recent years with her parents. Ever since she'd married Steven. And her parents made no bones about the fact that they didn't like him. They had been right, perhaps, but it had permanently marked their relationship with their daughter.

  “I'm sorry, Mom. Things were kind of a mess out here. Steven left in June. And …I just thought he'd come back and I didn't want to tell you about the baby till he did … I guess that was pretty dumb.”

  “I guess so.” There was a long silence. “Is he paying you alimony?” It struck her odd that that was all they thought of.

  “No, I didn't want any.”

  “Is he going to fight you for custody of the baby?”

  “No.” She decided to spare them the details of that, and she also decided not to tell them about Bill, or her mother might think that she was having an affair and that was why Steven had left her. There was plenty of time to give her the details later. Adrian had just wanted to tell her about the baby.

  “How long will you be in the hospital?” Her mother was so painfully matter-of-fact, it was difficult to feel close to her, even now that Adrian had just become a mother.

  “Maybe till tomorrow.” She wasn't sure. “Or a couple of days. I don't really know yet.”

  “I'll call you when you get home. Do you still have the same number?” It told its own tale that she even had to ask, but as seldom as it was, it was usually Adrian who called her.

  “Yes.” She'd had her phone installed at Bill's when she gave up her condo. It had been easier to do that at the time than make explanations. “I'll call you, Mom.”

  “Okay, and …congratulations …” Her mother still sounded as though she didn't know what to make of it, and her father had been out. It had saddened her to call them somehow, but at least she had done her duty.

  And the next call was even harder. Her attorney had gotten Steven's number inadvertently, but he had suggested to Adrian that she try not to use it. She got her address book out of her bag, and holding the baby in her left arm, she dialed the number. And as she did, she looked down at Sam. He was so beautiful and so sweet and so peaceful. He was everything she had wanted him to be, and more. He was four hours old, and already she felt as though she had always known him.

  “Hello!” It was a familiar voice on the phone, but she hadn't heard it in months, and suddenly she felt awkward when she heard him.

  “Hello …Steven …I …it's Adrian. I'm sorry to call you.” There was a long silence while he said nothing at all. He couldn't imagine why she'd called him or how she had gotten his unlisted number.

  “Why are you calling me?” He acted as though she had no right even to speak to him, and she felt her hand shake as she listened.

  “I thought you had a right to know …the baby was born this morning. It's a little boy, and he weighed eight pounds fourteen ounces.” She suddenly felt even more stupid for calling while there was an even longer silence. “I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have called …I just thought …”

  And then, finally, a voice. “Is he normal?” It was the same thing her mother had asked, and somehow the question seemed offensive.

  “Yes, he's fine,” she said quietly. “He's really beautiful.”

  And then, hesitantly, “Are you all right? Was it awful?” He sounded almost like the man she had once known as he asked her.

  “It was fine.” There was no point explaining to him what it was like. It had been much harder than she thought it would be, but even now it didn't seem so bad, now that she had Sam in her arms and it was over.

  “It was worth it.” And
then, hesitantly, “I wanted to call … I just thought … I know you signed those papers, but I wanted to give you a chance to see him, if you want to.” It was kinder than most women would have been, but Adrian had always been like that. “I don't expect you to, of course … I just thought I'd let you know, in case …” Her voice drifted off and his cut into hers.

  “I'd like that.” She looked stunned as she heard him. She had always planned to offer this opportunity to him, but she never really expected him to take it. “Where are you?”

  “At Cedars-Sinai.”

  “I'll come over sometime this morning.” And then, in an odd, wistful voice, “Does he have a name?”

  She nodded, as tears rolled down her cheeks. She hadn't expected this, and now it had upset her. After all this time, he wanted to see his baby. “His name is Sam.” She spoke almost in a whisper.

  “Give him a kiss from me. I'll see you later.” She was even more shocked by what he'd just said. He sounded so different suddenly, so mellow, and now she was afraid of what would happen when he came to see her. She lay thinking of it all morning as she held the baby close to her, and he never stirred as he slept on. And it was almost lunchtime when she heard the door open and saw Steven standing there, looking at her in gray slacks, a blue shirt, and a blazer. His hair was longer than it had been before, he had a tan, and he was more handsome than ever.

  “Hello, Adrian, can I come in?” He stood looking at her, hesitating in the doorway, and she nodded as she tried not to cry when she saw him. But her efforts were useless. The tears slid slowly down her cheeks as he walked toward her. Suddenly she remembered how much she had once loved him, what high hopes she had had, how confident she had been that their marriage was forever, and how heartbroken and desolate she had been when he left her.