Heartbeat

by Danielle Steel

  He only saw her at first, as he advanced toward her slowly, carrying a large bunch of yellow roses, and then as he stood next to her, he saw the baby suddenly, wrapped in his little blue blanket, his tiny pink face like her own precious rosebud.

  “Oh my God …” He stared down at him. “Is that him?”

  She nodded, smiling through her tears at the silly question. “Isn't he beautiful?”

  This time Steven nodded, and there were tears in his eyes as he looked first at the child that was his, and then the woman who had borne him. “What a fool I was …” They were the exact words she had fantasized, but never really expected.

  She nodded, crying openly, she couldn't disagree with him. But no one could have dissuaded him at the time, his own attorney had tried and gotten nowhere. “I think you were just very frightened.”

  “I know I was. I just couldn't imagine myself having children, and making the kind of sacrifices one has to make. I still can't imagine it,” he said honestly. But he was overwhelmed by the sight of his baby. His child. His creation.

  “He's beautiful, isn't he?” he said quietly, staring down at him, as she watched, and then finally, Steven looked up at her, but his eyes were matter-of-fact, not tender. “It must have been hard for you these past months.” She nodded, not wanting to tell him about Bill. That was none of his business. “Where are you living?” It was odd that he should ask her now, after all this time, and she answered cryptically. All this time he had never cared where or how she was. And now he did, or did he?

  “At the same address, across the complex.” He assumed that she must have bought something smaller with the money she had derived from their town house.

  “That's nice.” And then he stared down at his son, and gently touched the tiny fingers. “He's so small …” And he was so perfect.

  “He weighed almost nine pounds,” she defended Sam, but Steven could only look at him in wonder. He saw no one he knew there, except maybe Adrian, but he looked like a person unto himself and Steven didn't really mind that. And then Adrian looked at him hesitantly, her hands still shaking from the shock of seeing him again. “Would you like to hold him?”

  Steven looked terrified suddenly, and then he startled himself and her by nodding and holding his arms out. And Adrian gently handed the baby to him. The baby was his son, after all, and this was why she had called him. To see if he cared, to give him one last chance to reach out to the child he had rejected. She settled the baby in his arms and felt a sob catch in her throat as she watched him looking down at the sleeping infant in silent wonder. He sat in a chair next to the bed, afraid to move, looking terrified, his arms still, as though he was afraid the baby might leap up and bite him. But he sat there, staring at him, and as she watched him the door opened, and Bill walked in, carrying a huge bouquet of flowers, two dozen helium-filled balloons, and a huge blue bear that he set down awkwardly in the doorway. He started to walk into the room, as Steven bent over her and handed the baby back to her, and all Bill could see from where he stood was the cozy scene of the reunited threesome. Adrian looked up at Bill with startled eyes, and Steven stood near her, as though he had never left her, and for the first time, the baby began to cry, as though he sensed that something terrible had just happened.

  “Oh …I'm sorry … I see this isn't a good time,” Bill said to the room at large, afraid to look at Adrian's eyes, for fear of what he might see there.

  “That's all right,” Adrian said awkwardly, “this is Steven Townsend, my …” And then she almost choked on the words, she had been about to say “my husband.” And she saw Bill's face go pale and she wanted to beg him to stop it, to stop being hysterical and come in, and Steven would be leaving in a moment, but she found that she could say nothing, as Steven stared inhospitably at him, and Bill started to back out of the room without waiting for an explanation.

  “I'll come back later.”

  “No …Bill …” But he was already gone, hurrying down the hall, feeling a rock in his throat, the same rock that had lodged there when Leslie had told him she wasn't moving to California. It was all happening to him again, the loss, the pain, the grief, the loneliness …but this time he wasn't going to let it.

  And in her hospital room, Adrian was looking distressed as Steven watched her. “Who was that anyway?” Steven asked irritably. He had been visibly annoyed by the interruption.

  “A friend,” she said softly. She saw that Steven looked angry suddenly, but they both knew that he had no right to, and now he was looking down at her with a serious expression. He had been doing a lot of thinking since her phone call, and since seeing the baby.

  “I owe you an apology,” he said somberly, as Adrian agonized silently over what Bill must be feeling. She hadn't expected Steven to come so soon, and when he had offered to, she was glad to get it over with, so she and Bill could get on with the business of living. She had promised herself she'd call him, but she had never expected this, or Bill to walk in on them. Suddenly everything was upside down, and she wasn't sure what to do with the crying baby. She rang for the nurse, who volunteered to take him to the nursery for a while, as Adrian turned to Steven with a look of anguish. “I'm sorry if I hurt you, Adrian.” And as he said it, she found herself remembering the night he had ignored her at Le Chardonnay when she was six months pregnant. “These last six months must have been very hard on you,” he said, barely describing what she'd been through. And without Bill to take care of her, she didn't know how she would have survived it. “But they've been hard on me too.” Adrian couldn't believe what she was hearing. She wasn't the one who had divorced him. And as she listened to him now she realized that she was still angry at him for what he'd done. Angry and hurt and she wasn't sure she would ever forgive him. “You challenged me in a way that rocked me to my very core, in a way, it was a complete betrayal.” He went on as Adrian stared at him. He was as selfish as ever. “But …for the sake of my son …our child … I think in time, I might be willing to forgive you.”

  She stared at him with open eyes, unable to believe what she was hearing. He was willing to forgive her. “That's very kind of you,” she said quietly, “and I appreciate it very much.” She almost choked on the words. “But Steven, you're not the only person who was hurt. And I'm sorry if you felt betrayed. But you abandoned me when I was pregnant. You completely shut me out. You took all our furniture, kicked me out of our home, divorced me, and gave up your rights to our baby. You wouldn't even speak to me when I called you.” It was quite a list, but he seemed unimpressed as he continued.

  “Be that as it may.” He ignored everything she had just said. “I think for the child's sake, we should go back together.”

  “Are you serious?” She stared at him almost in horror. This was not what she had planned, no matter how fair she wanted to be to him. And he was even more insensitive than he had been, and like everything else in his life, the baby was an ego trip for him, and now that he had seen it, that it was okay, and a son, he was suddenly willing to consider taking it on, after deserting them so completely. And this was the opportunity she had wanted to give him. But what she had expected, if anything, on his part, was genuine feeling for the baby. Not even anything for her, or if he did feel something, she would have expected some kind of tenderness and kindness. Some remorse, or regret, some vestige of decency and caring. But that was Bill she was thinking of, she suddenly realized. This man had none of that inside him.

  “I don't think you understand,” she went on. “Steven, you gave everything up because you didn't give a damn about either of us. You deserted us. And the only reason why I called was on the off chance that you'd regret it. I wanted you to have a chance to see the baby. But you don't care about anyone. You have no feelings whatsoever about what you've done. The only one you care about is yourself, and you have the nerve to imagine yourself 'betrayed.' I'm not even convinced you care about the baby or ever could care. You're so wrapped up in yourself that you don't give a damn about me, or him. And
I think you're impressed that you have a 'son but that's it. Who is he to you? What does he mean? What are you prepared to give him?” It was an important question, and Steven looked more than ever annoyed to be questioned.

  “Shelter, food, an education, toys …” He couldn't think of anything else and she shook her head. He hadn't made the grade. He never would. And now she knew that. It was what she had had to see, and now she was glad that she'd called him.

  “You forgot something very important.”

  Steven thought about it, but nothing came to mind. And he looked handsome, but he also looked empty.

  “You forgot love. That means more than shelter, food, education, or anything. It means more than computers, tennis rackets, furniture, stereos, apartments, jobs. Love. It was the one thing I think you forgot entirely in our marriage. If you had loved me, you wouldn't have walked out on me and the baby.”

  “I loved you …but you didn't love me. You broke a solemn promise to me never to have children.” And he meant it.

  “I couldn't help it.” She had no regrets. “And I'm not sorry now.”

  “You should be,” he said sorrowfully, “for the grief you caused me.”

  “The grief I caused you?” Adrian stared at him amazed, as he got up and walked around the room, glancing at the huge bear Bill had left just inside the doorway.

  “The truth is, you betrayed me,” he said again, “and if I'm willing to forgive you now, for the child's sake, you ought to be very grateful.” She couldn't believe her ears as she stared at him.

  “Well, I'm not.” She looked at him and said bluntly. And then she asked him the most fearful question. “Steven, do you love the baby? I mean really love him? Do you want him more than anything …want to spend your life making his life better?”

  He looked at her mutely for a long time. “I'm sure that I could learn to in time.” But she saw as she looked at him that something inside him had died long since and she had never known it.

  “And if you feel threatened by us again, then what? You walk out? Or you sell the apartment? Or you just file for termination?” He had been cruel to her, and indirectly to his own child, and they both knew it, no matter what he said now about “betrayal.”

  “I can't make you promises for the future. I can just say I'll try. But I think you owe it to me to come back and give it a try.” She owed it to him. How endearing. How tender.

  “On what basis? Are you asking me to marry you again?” She wanted to clarify everything once and for all now. This was the confrontation she had longed for.

  “No, I … I think we should try it. I think you should come back and try it for six months, for a year, while I see if …”

  “If you like being a parent, is that it? And if you don't?”

  “Then there's no harm done. The papers are already in place, we shake hands and wish each other well.” It sounded like a business agreement.

  “And Sam?” He was already real to her, a special, precious person.

  “In that case, he's yours.”

  “How nice. And how do I explain it to him later on? You tried it out and didn't like him? No, you don't get to rent fatherhood, Steven, to try it on. You either do it or you don't, like marriage, like love, like real life. This is not one of your tennis games, where you get to sample different partners and pick the ones who play the worst, so you can massage your ego.” He looked furious at what she had just said, but it was all true, and he knew it.

  “Then just exactly why did you call me? Wasn't that what you wanted from me? Or are you trying to find the best offer?” The new diamond ring on her finger hadn't gone unnoticed, nor had Bill with his many offerings abandoned in the doorway.

  “I don't need your best offer anymore. But I wanted to be sure I gave you a last shot at your son, before you gave him away forever. I thought you deserved that. I thought there was always the off chance that you would regret it bitterly one day, and that you might fall in love with him when he was born. But you didn't. All you want is to try him out like a car on a rental plan, and you want me back to maintain him, because you're 'willing' to forgive me for my 'betrayal,' as you call it. But the betrayal is not mine, but yours, and the baby is mine now.” He looked nonplussed, and not overly distressed at what she had just said. She wondered if he might even be relieved. But whatever he was, he hadn't changed. She knew that for sure now.

  “You can tell him I offered to take you back and you refused, since you're so concerned with what you're going to tell him later.”

  “On a trial basis, Steven. That's nothing.” Suddenly, she realized that she was shouting, but she didn't care. It felt good to finally be shouting at him. “I want to love him unconditionally, through thick and thin, handsome or ugly, good moods or bad, in sickness and health, with every ounce of love I have to give him. That's what I want to give our baby.” There were tears in her eyes, and as she said the words, she realized that it was exactly what she wanted to give Bill, everything she had to give, forever.

  “There is no such thing as unconditional love, except among fools,” he said cynically.

  “That's what I am then.” It was what she had offered him once upon a time, and what he had walked out on.

  “Good luck then.” He stood looking at her for a long moment, and any feeling they had once had seemed to have dissipated between them. And then, a little more gently, “I'm sorry things didn't work out, Adrian.” But he didn't really seem sorry to be giving up his baby. For a brief moment, he had been intrigued with him, fascinated, but the moment was already over. The moment the nurse had taken the baby from the room, Steven seemed to forget him.

  “I'm sorry too.” She looked up at him, wondering who he really had been all the time she thought she knew him. “I'm sorry for you,” she said quietly.

  “Don't be.” She felt free finally, looking at him, and she was doubly glad she had called him. He was honest with her, there was nothing for him to lose now. “I wasn't ready for this, Adrian. I suppose I never would be.” They were the most honest words he had ever said to her, no matter how intriguing the beauty of their newborn baby. But he just wasn't Bill, and she realized clearly now that she no longer loved Steven. She hadn't in months, not since Bill … or maybe ever since the baby, but she hadn't known it.

  “I know.” She nodded slowly at him, and then laid her head back against the pillows, it had been a long morning. “Thank you for coming.” He touched her hand with his own, and then turned and walked out of the room without saying a word, and this time she knew that he was gone for good, and she was sorry, but she knew that she would never miss him. She lay in bed, thinking about Bill then, and desperately worried about what he'd thought when he saw her with Steven. All she wanted was for him to come back again, and she would be able to explain it.

  But as she thought of Bill, Steven walked down the hall with a long, solemn stride, and he stopped for a moment at the nursery, and saw their baby. A blue bundle in an acrylic bassinet, propped up so the nurses could see him better, and the little blue card on the basket read “Thompson, baby boy, 8 lbs. 14 oz. 5:15 a.m.” He bore her maiden name as Steven had requested through the courts. And as he looked at him, Steven waited to feel something he never had before, but he just didn't. He was beautiful, and he was so unbelievably small and vulnerable. He made you want to reach out and touch him. And he would never forget what it had been like to hold him, but he had been relieved when Adrian took him back, as he was now, knowing that the baby was Adrian's, not his. It was nice to know that he was someone else's. Steven had thought about trying it for a while, maybe just to get her back, but in the end, it was a relief now knowing that he didn't have to. And even he had realized that their relationship was over. She wanted too many things that he didn't. She wanted too much from him. “Your boy?” An old man with a cigar and a bald head asked with a broad smile, as Steven looked at him curiously and shook his head. No. Not his boy. Someone else's. And then he left, with his smooth stride, feeling at peace again.
For Steven, the agony was over.

  ADRIAN WAITED ALL DAY FOR BILL TO COME BACK, but he never came, and she called the apartment endlessly, but he never answered. By four o'clock she was desperate to find him. She was in agony over what he must have thought, and she wanted to explain, and tell him the outcome of Steven's visit. But she just couldn't find him. She was worried about his surprise party, too, remembering that everyone was counting on her to get him to his office where the entire cast and crew were going to surprise him. She called the office directly finally, figuring that the others had to be there by then, and finally at six o'clock, someone answered the phone and she could hear all the noise in the background. She tried to shout loud enough so they could hear her above the din, and finally, the assistant director realized who was calling.

  “Adrian? Oh, congratulations on the baby!” Bill had told everyone about Sam, but those who knew him well thought he was strangely quiet. And they just figured he was tired after a long night with Adrian in labor. As it turned out, he had happened on the party completely by accident. After he left Adrian, he'd gone home, and then, needing to clear his mind, he had gone to the office. And he had arrived only slightly later than he should. It was as though, with or without her, he had been destined to get there.

  “Is Bill there?” Finally, she had found him.

  “He just left. He said there were some things he had to do. But it's a hell of a party.” The A.D. sounded more than a little drunk, and they were having such a good time, they hardly missed their guest of honor. He had slipped away, touched by what they'd done, but anxious to be alone. It had already been quite a birthday.

  Adrian tried to call him at home again, but he had the machine on. She couldn't believe that he had just slipped through her fingers like that, or that he wasn't going to give her a chance to explain what had happened. He had always known that she wanted to contact Steven after the baby was born, but he hadn't expected to see him sitting next to Adrian, in her hospital room, holding the baby, and he had immediately made a brutally painful assumption. And as Adrian continued to lie in her hospital bed, waiting for him, she began to fear the worst when he never came back to see her. He must have been so angry at her that he didn't want to see her again, and there was nothing more she could do to find him. She couldn't leave her room, or the hospital, and she felt trapped and helpless.