Heartbeat

by Danielle Steel

  She held the baby for most of the afternoon, and put him in his little bassinet next to her for the entire evening. When her dinner tray came, she sent it away, and she put the big blue bear in a chair, and sat looking sadly at his roses. And all she wanted was to see him and tell him how much she loved him.

  “Would you like a sleeping pill?” the nurse asked at eight o'clock, but she only shook her head, and the nurse made a note on the chart about possible postpartum depression. They had noted the fact that she had eaten nothing for dinner or lunch, and she even seemed unexcited about nursing her baby. She was quiet and uncommunicative, and as soon as the nurse left the room, she dialed the apartment again, and the answering machine was still on, and she left an anguished message for him to call her.

  She picked up the baby again, and held him close to her for a long time, looking at the tiny nose, the sleeping eyes, the perfect mouth, the tiny, gently curled fingers. He was so sweet and so tiny and so perfect, and she was so engrossed in watching him that she didn't hear the door whoosh open at nine o'clock, and he stood there for a long minute, watching her, willing himself not to feel anything for her or the baby, as she turned her head suddenly and saw him. Her breath caught, and without thinking, she reached out a hand, and then started to get out of bed, which wasn't entirely easy.

  “Stay there,” he said gently, “don't get up. I just came to say good-bye.” He sounded cool and calm, and he walked closer to the bed, but he kept his distance. He looked remarkably dressed up, and somehow she sensed that it wasn't from the party. The party had been a surprise, and he had been wearing a sweatshirt and jeans for that, but now he looked as though he was dressed for something important. He was wearing an English tweed suit, a cream-colored shirt, and Hermes tie, and serious-looking brown shoes, and there was a winter coat over his arm, and suddenly she knew that he was going.

  “Where are you going?” she asked worriedly, sensing instantly that everything had changed between them. All in a few hours, since that morning. Only twelve hours before they had been like one heart, one soul, and now he had torn himself away from her and he was leaving. But she knew why. She only wondered if she could heal the hurt she had caused him.

  “I thought I'd go to New York to see the boys for a few days.” He glanced at his watch. “I have to leave in a few minutes, to catch the red-eye.” She felt her heart sink as she looked at him, and all she could feel was panic, and a desperate fear that she would lose him. It almost took her breath away as she watched him look uncomfortably around the room and then back at her, but he seemed anxious to avoid looking at the baby.

  “Do the boys know you're coming?”

  “No,” he said somberly. “I thought I'd surprise them.”

  “How long will you be gone?” She didn't know what to say to him, except to tell him that she was sorry, that she'd been a fool, that she shouldn't have cared what Steven thought, that he was a jerk, and she was, too, and that she loved Bill more than life itself, and Sam was going to grow up to be their baby … if he stayed, if only Bill would stay … if only he would forgive her.

  “I don't know how long I'll be,” he answered, holding his coat in his arms and looking at her longingly. “A week …two … I thought maybe I'd take them on a little vacation after they get back from Vermont, if Leslie will let me….” He was always at the mercy of someone else to get to the people he loved …Leslie, Adrian …Steven …but he couldn't let himself think of that now. It would just be good to see the boys again, and get out of California. He'd had enough. He needed a break. And his birthday present to himself was to get out of town and let someone else take care of his problems. They had plenty of scripts to work with while he was gone, and if they couldn't figure it out, they could invent it.

  “I hired a nurse for you, by the way. She'll come in by the day, or stay overnight if you need her, when you leave the hospital. I didn't meet her myself, but the agency said she's terrific.” He thought of everything, and Adrian's eyes welled up with tears as he said it.

  “You didn't have to do that. I can take care of myself.”

  “I thought you might need help with the baby. Unless …” He hadn't even thought of that, and then he looked at her curiously, feeling even more foolish. “…Are you going back to my place, or Steven's?” She realized then what he thought, and her heart ached for him. And it was all her fault, which made her feel even worse for the pain she had caused him.

  “I'm not going to Steven. Now or ever. I'm not going anywhere with him.” She said it so absolutely that he looked at her very strangely.

  “I got the impression this morning that … I thought … I knew you were going to call him,” he explained. “I just didn't know you were going to do it quite so soon. I should have been prepared for that,” he said quietly, “but I wasn't. It took me by surprise when I walked in on the three of you …and I was so excited about Sam and everything, and …” He looked so sad as he looked at her that the tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked at him and then down at the baby.

  “I just wanted to get it over with …I know it was wrong of me, but I wanted him to see the baby …and release him, spiritually, or give him his blessing, or something. I don't know what I thought, I don't know what crazy delusions I've had all this time about owing Steven something because of the baby. Maybe I felt guilty about taking something so wonderful from him and walking off with it, and maybe even sharing it with you. But the truth is, he doesn't even realize what having a baby is. He doesn't know what love is. And to him the baby is nothing more than a hardship. He's a jerk and a fool, and I was an even bigger one to even marry him in the first place.” She looked miserably at Bill and started to sob, as she held the baby, and suddenly the baby started to wail, too, and Bill put his coat down and rushed forward to help her.

  “Here, let me do it …” He was calm and smooth and his hands were sure as she watched him. “Is he hungry?”

  “I don't know. I nursed him a little while ago, but I don't think he's figured it out yet.”

  “Maybe he's wet.” He checked expertly, and then deftly wrapped him up tightly again in the blanket while she silently marveled at how good he was at everything he touched, from screenplays to souffles to babies. “He just wanted to be wrapped up tight again, I think. You kind of let him get unwound. They like to be all bundled up, like a cocoon. Here, I'll show you.” He gave her a quick demonstration and handed the baby back to her with sure hands, while she blew her nose and thanked him.

  “I don't know what I was thinking of when I called Steven. But as soon as he was here, I knew it was a mistake, and then you walked in, and before I could say anything, you were gone again.” She started crying all over again, and a nurse walked in and shook her head again, thinking that Adrian was definitely manifesting the early signs of postpartum depression. Either that or her husband was giving her a hard time, but there was something going on here. “And I tried to call you all day,” Adrian went on, “and I couldn't find you anywhere!” she said accusingly. “And today was your birthday!”

  “I know it was.” He smiled. She looked so pathetic and so upset, and so childlike with a blue bow in her hair. She looked like a teenager, holding someone else's baby. “But it was so damn awkward when I walked into the room and he was here. I didn't expect him. And it just all looked so cozy.”

  “Well, it was very moving at first,” she explained, wishing Bill would sit down, but she didn't want to suggest it for fear that he'd remember he had to catch the red-eye. “He looked at the baby as though he'd never seen one. But he's such a goddam horse's ass, and so pompous. I don't think he's ever loved anyone or anything in his life, except maybe his tennis racket or his Porsche. He was 'willing to forgive me for betraying him, and take me and the baby back on a trial basis.' Can you imagine?” She was still angry when she said it.

  “And if he'd taken you back unconditionally? If he'd told you that he loved you?”

  “I realized that it was too late, that it was all gone if
it was ever there at all. And he and I never had what we have. We had something very superficial and very young. I never knew the meaning of the word love until I met you.” She said it very softly, and he set his coat down next to the blue bear and went to the bed, where she still sat holding the baby.

  “I couldn't stand the idea of losing you, Adrian …I just couldn't. I've been through that before, and I know what it's like.” He looked down at the sleeping infant then. “And I don't want to lose you either. I want both of you, and Tommy and Adam whenever we can …forever. I have no right to stand in your way. You were married to Steven, and you have a right to go back to him if you want to. But if you've made up your mind, if you're sure now, I need to know it….” He looked at her with eyes full of pain. He had come of age on his fortieth birthday.

  “I've never loved anyone more.” She reached out to him and he took her in his arms as tears rolled down her cheeks. She felt as though she had been crying all day, but so had he. He had had a rotten birthday. “I couldn't live without you.” She still trembled, thinking that, through her own stupidity, she had almost lost him.

  Bill smiled for a long moment, and didn't say anything as he helped her set the baby down, and then he looked at her again. “I love you. I just want you to know how much I love you.” And then he glanced at his watch and smiled, as he sat on the edge of the bed next to her. “It looks like I just missed the red-eye.” But he'd been surprising the boys anyway, so they wouldn't be disappointed. “Mind if I spend the night?” He grinned at her and she laughed and blew her nose again. It had been an emotional day, and night before that.

  “I'm not sure what the nurses would say.” But neither of them seemed to care, as they snuggled in her bed, Adrian in her pink nightgown he'd given her for Christmas and Bill in his London tweeds, and then the nurse came in to check on her, saw them kissing, and quietly closed the door again. Mrs. Thompson was feeling much better.

  “They're going to think we're misbehaving,” Adrian whispered to him as the door whooshed closed behind the nurse.

  “Good,” he whispered with a grin.

  “I have a birthday present for you.” Adrian remembered the watch suddenly, as they continued to kiss and talk in whispers.

  “Already?” Bill laughed. “Isn't it too soon?”

  “You're disgusting.” But he kissed her long and hard, and all was right with the world again as he held her.

  “I have a surprise for you,” he said thoughtfully, as they lay back side by side, against her pillows.

  “What is it?” They were still speaking softly, for fear of waking the baby, and because suddenly their life seemed so simple and so peaceful.

  “We're getting married in the next few days.”

  “It's about time.” She pretended to scowl at him, flashing the ring he had given her for Christmas.

  “I want my name on Sam's birth certificate,” Bill said almost sternly.

  “How about Samuel William Thigpen,” she supplied with a shy smile, and he leaned over and kissed her.

  “It'll do …”He smiled. “It'll do,” pulling her close to him again, and feeling her heart next to his, with a single heartbeat.

  a cognizant original v5 release october 31 2010

  Published by

  Dell Publishing

  a division of

  Random House, Inc.

  1540 Broadway

  New York, New York 10036

  Copyright © 1991 by Danielle Steel

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  eISBN: 978-0-307-56649-2

  v3.0