Beware of the Purple Peanut Butter

by RL Stine

  “Please, Barney, I have to —”

  “What part of ‘shut up’ don’t you understand?” Barney demands. “I’m trying to watch TV! Do I have to teach you a lesson?” As he pulls himself up off the floor you realize you’re so little now, he towers over you.

  Maybe this was a bad idea.

  “Uh … I’ll see you later,” you say and start to back out of the room.

  But Barney means business. You’ve seen that nasty expression on his face before. It means he’s really mad. And when Barney is mad — watch out!

  Quick! Where can you hide from your cousin?

  Dash into the kitchen and hide in a cupboard on PAGE 13.

  Or find a hiding spot outdoors. Run to PAGE 93.

  “Get ready for another crummy tea party,” the voice says.

  You glance around, your heart pounding. “Who said that?”

  “I did,” the father doll replies. Its painted mouth doesn’t move. But the voice is definitely coming from the doll.

  “You can talk?” you exclaim.

  “Of course I can talk,” he replies. “So can you. All dolls can talk.”

  “I’m not a doll,” you protest.

  “Then what are you doing in our dollhouse?” He walks toward you stiffly. “Are you a burglar?”

  “No, no,” you say. He may be a doll, but he looks strong.

  “Of course you aren’t,” says the mother doll. “You’re my new housekeeping doll.” She brings you a tiny vacuum cleaner.

  “But —” you start to protest. The mother doll glares at you. You shrug and start to vacuum.

  “The new doll is dangerous and needs to be locked up,” the father doll insists.

  “No! There’s too much work to be done. There’s cat hair everywhere,” the mother doll tells him.

  You glance out the window. Puff’s yellow eyes glare back at you.

  Will Dora ever come back? you wonder as you vacuum the rug. With all the cleaning you have ahead of you, a little tea would sure hit the spot!

  THE END

  You’ve got to stop Barney. You are now so big you’re afraid if you grab him, you’ll squash him. You have to act quickly — he’s almost at the door.

  You reach out and grab the first thing your hand touches. Unfortunately, it’s the roof on the neighbor’s house.

  With a hideous CRACK! the roof rips loose from the house. Bricks and roofing shingles scatter like falling leaves. You’ve opened the house up like a box. You stare at the roof in your hand. Shocked, you peer into the house.

  From inside, the neighbors stare up at you. They were eating lunch. Now they’re screaming in terror.

  “It’s a monster!” the father of the family shouts.

  “It’s an alien!” his wife screams.

  “Alien! Alien!” his daughters shriek.

  “No — wait!” you cry. But your voice is so loud what’s left of their house shakes. The family rushes out to the street.

  You search for Barney, but he’s disappeared. He’s probably gone for the police. You feel terrible. Maybe you can fix the damage you’ve caused. You kneel down beside the house and carefully set the roof back in place. Unfortunately, parts of it seem to be missing. You glance around the yard for the missing pieces.

  Then you hear an angry growl.

  Turn to PAGE 64.

  You find yourself eye-to-eye with another strange circus performer. Only this time it isn’t a clown. This time it is an elephant!

  “Hi, there,” you say to the giant beast. You are so big now, you and the elephant are the same height.

  The elephant gazes steadily at you. It seems to be waiting for you to do something. But what? You glance around. You realize you are at the back entrance to the big top.

  Suddenly, a voice booms over the loudspeakers. “Ladies and gentlemen! Children of all ages! You are about to be astonished by the extraordinary feats of The Amazing Strongo!”

  The elephant looks at you expectantly. You have a funny feeling you are The Amazing Strongo.

  The announcement continues. “Watch The Amazing Strongo lift an elephant into the air!”

  You stumble through the flap. The elephant pushed you with its trunk! Then it nudges you all the way into the center ring. You are surrounded by cheering people. When the applause dies down, the tent grows eerily silent. They are all waiting for you to go into your Amazing Strongo act. But you can’t lift an elephant! Or can you?

  If you are able to do five push-ups, turn to PAGE 16.

  If you can do less than five push-ups, turn to PAGE 40.

  The water forces you down the drainpipe. You try to swim, but the current is too strong. You hold your breath as you swirl underwater. Just when you think your lungs are going to burst, you splash into a deep, dark pool.

  You push your head above water. You suck in a deep breath of air. A big wave pushes you back under. The next thing you know, your body is whooshing along a long, curving pipe.

  The water slows slightly and you come up for air. Then you’re rushing through the pipes again. You gasp for breath.

  SPLASH! The current lets you go. You’re drifting in a big, broad, smelly river. You tread water and gaze around. The only light trickles in through tiny openings in the grates far overhead. Empty paper cups and bits of food float by you.

  The whole river smells like rotten garbage. Slimy strings of filth wind around your arms and neck. Gross! You’re in the sewer system!

  You swim to one of the sides, but the banks are too steep and slimy to climb. You can’t tread water forever. Already your arms are getting tired.

  Then something familiar floats by.

  If it’s a Popsicle stick, go to PAGE 52.

  If it’s a blue plastic can with the words MONSTER BLOOD on it, turn to PAGE 11.

  “I’ve been looking for a great experiment,” Dr. Abbott exclaims. “I don’t know anything about size change. But I’m willing to give it a shot.”

  “I’ll try anything,” you say. “I’m desperate.”

  “Excellent! Just think of the publicity!” Dr. Abbott is getting very excited. “People will stop accusing me of —” He glances down at you. “Well, never mind. Let’s get started.”

  The scientist hurries to his desk and searches through piles of papers. “I have to do a bit of research,” he explains.

  You smile weakly at him. You hope you haven’t made a terrible mistake.

  Finally, Dr. Abbott lifts you up in his hand and examines you carefully. Every time he exhales, the force of his breath almost blows you over. He takes out a tape measure and measures you. He puts you on a scale and weighs you. Then he places you on a table.

  “I’m not sure which one of my machines to use,” he says. “The magnetron works by changing your magnetic field. The laser gun makes the body’s atoms expand. What do you think?”

  “What do I think?” you reply with a gulp. Somehow, you hadn’t expected the decision to be yours. Still, it is your body.

  Do you want to try magnetism? Go to PAGE 76.

  Or is the laser gun the answer? Turn to PAGE 101.

  You take a step back, but the tiger bounds up to you. Its lips twist in a snarl, and its teeth glisten in the bright lights.

  “Aaaaaarrrggghh!” The piercing sound of your scream even shocks you. The tiger freezes midpounce. The crowd stares at you. You forgot how loud your voice is, now that you are a giant.

  The tiger backs away, and then, with its tail between its legs, skulks back to the ring.

  “I’m sorry, kitty,” you call to the frightened animal.

  You didn’t mean to scare it. And you realize that now that you are huge, the tigers couldn’t really hurt you. As you stride to the center of the ring, all the tigers cower. Even the trainer looks a little nervous. You reach out to the tiger and scratch it under its chin. Then it starts to rub against your legs like a kitten. It’s purring!

  The crowd begins applauding and cheering. But the tiger trainer just glares at you.

  “Nic
e kitty,” you tell the tiger. You kneel down and pet the beautiful animal. You notice the tiger trainer is still glaring at you. Oooops — it finally dawns on you — you’ve interrupted his performance. You better get out of the ring. You straighten back up and turn to go.

  Yeowch! Something just yanked your hair — hard!

  Go to PAGE 10.

  There is an odd number of letters in your first name.

  And you have a new idea for fighting the mouse.

  You stop dueling with the rodent. Instead, you circle around a sauce pot. The mouse starts to follow you. You speed up.

  And there it is! The mouse’s tail. Quickly, you grab it and hold on.

  The mouse squeaks in anger and begins to run through the cupboard. You continue to hold on to its tail.

  Then, just as you hoped, the mouse runs toward the front of the cupboard. Its weight and its momentum should do the trick. Yup! When it hits the cupboard door, the door pops open.

  Quickly, you let go of the mouse’s tail. You run out of the cupboard and into the kitchen.

  You turn around and see the mouse lying on the floor. It must have stunned itself when it hit the cupboard door. But it’s starting to wake up.

  There’s only one thing to do.

  What is it?

  Turn to PAGE 116.

  Barney’s right.

  You are a wimp.

  This adventure is canceled on account of nerdiness.

  What?

  You want another chance?

  Okay.

  You can stand up to Barney the Bully by rushing over to PAGE 26!

  Dora is shrieking and staring at you in horror.

  “Dora —” you say. “It’s me, your cousin!”

  But you’re so big she doesn’t even recognize you. And you can tell you’re still growing.

  “Help!” she screams. “Help! It’s a mutant alien!”

  You pull yourself to your feet. Maybe if she can see all of you she’ll know who you are. As you stand, your hair brushes the treetops. Dora looks very small standing in the yard beneath you.

  And now Barney runs out of the house.

  “Call the police!” Dora screams. “There’s a mutant alien in our backyard!”

  Barney takes one look at you and turns white. He spins around and heads for the house.

  He’s going to call the police! They’ve already been called about you once. If they come again, you’ll be in so much trouble you’ll never get out of it. You’ve got to stop Barney. But how?

  Grab him and try to explain? Turn to PAGE 6.

  Or throw something in his path on PAGE 83.

  “It’s the alien!” A blond kid in row two points at you.

  “I’m not an alien!” you shout. “I’m a human kid!”

  More people begin screaming, “The alien! It’s the alien!”

  In shock, you drop the elephant. This makes the elephant furious. She swoops you up in her powerful trunk. At first you think she is going to squeeze you to death. Then Dodo lifts you into the air and swings you back and forth.

  “Call the police!” someone shouts. Now the entire audience is shrieking. The situation is getting ugly. A dozen security guards start running toward you.

  You thought you were safe here. But now everyone thinks you’re an alien.

  Then you spot your cousin Dora sitting right in the front row.

  You’ve never been so happy to see her before in your whole life. In fact, this is probably the only time you’ve been happy to see her.

  “Tell them, Dora!” you shout. “Save me! Tell them I’m not an alien!”

  Dora stares back at you. Then she smiles.

  Hooray! You’re saved!

  Turn to PAGE 65.

  You refuse to be defeated. “I’ve got an idea,” you tell Dr. Abbott. “We’ll make a staircase.” You and Dr. Abbott struggle and strain as you shove books into a pile. The books are stacked unevenly, forming steps. When the pile is as tall as the beaker, you and the scientist rush up the steps. At the top, you reach out for the remote. It’s nearly as big as you are.

  Your hands both touch the remote. With all your strength, you pull. You fall flat on your back. But the remote lands next to you.

  “I’ll change the settings!” Dr. Abbott cries. He presses a button on the remote. The buttons are so big he has to use both hands. Then, grunting and sweating, he turns a dial.

  “That should do it,” he tells you. “On the count of three, jump on button number six. At the same time, I’ll put all my weight on the ‘on’ switch. One!

  “Two!”

  You prepare to jump onto button six.

  “Three!” Will you be successful? That depends on the month you were born in.

  If you were born in the first half of the year — January through June — turn to PAGE 30.

  If you were born in the months of July through December, turn to PAGE 68.

  Quickly, before your cousin can catch up to you, you dart outside through the kitchen door. You may be small, but you run fast.

  You glance around for a good hiding place. No time to be choosy. You dash onto the lawn, then duck under the porch.

  The kitchen door slams again. Then you hear Barney’s footsteps clomping over your head. You crouch while Barney stumbles around on the lawn, calling your name.

  “I’ll give you to the count of ten to come out!” he shouts.

  You smile to yourself. How stupid can he be? Why should you come out and get beat up when you can relax under here, safe and comfortable?

  “One!” Barney cries. “Three! Seven!”

  He’s cheating again, but you don’t care. You’re safe, at least for now. And you can wait a lot longer than Barney can count.

  Yup! Just as you expected, Barney gets bored and heads back into the house. You figure you’ll give Barney plenty of time to cool off.

  While you wait, you see those pink dots again. But other than that, it’s pretty comfy under the porch.

  After you think you’ve waited long enough, you start to crawl out from under the porch. Then you stop in horror.

  Quick! Turn to PAGE 18.

  It’s your cousin Dora — smirking at you from the top of the stairs.

  “You’re not supposed to be down here,” she whines. “I’m going to tell!”

  “Wait!” you cry. “It was an accident! I came in here by mistake!”

  “Yeah, sure,” she taunts. “But maybe I won’t tell — if you play with me.”

  “Maybe,” you say cautiously.

  “Let’s play dolls,” she urges. “I have a new dollhouse.”

  You hate playing with Dora. She’s really spoiled and has a tantrum if she doesn’t get her way.

  “I’ll tell if you don’t,” Dora persists.

  What are you going to do?

  If you refuse to budge, turn to PAGE 22.

  If you give in and play with Dora, turn to PAGE 35.

  You try to think of any possible reason you could suddenly start growing. You think back over everything you’ve done for the past twenty-four hours. You still haven’t figured out an answer when you enter the kitchen.

  Dora and Barney are making sandwiches in the kitchen. You are really hungry now. Along with everything else, your appetite has also grown. But when you reach for the tuna fish, Barney stops you. “You ought to go on a diet, wimp,” he tells you. “You’re getting fat — or haven’t you noticed?”

  Dora giggles obnoxiously.

  You know perfectly well that you’re not fat — you’re just big. Big and hungry!

  Then you remember something. You were very hungry when you were hiding in the basement. Hungry enough to eat that stale chocolate cake. Maybe there was some ingredient in the cake that is making you grow. It did taste kind of funny.

  If you find out what was in the cake, you should be able to figure out how to stop growing!

  Rush down to the basement on PAGE 34.

  You don’t stand up right away. You feel a little woozy from the effects
of the machine. You lie on the bench and gaze up at Arnold. He is staring at you, his eyes growing wider and wider.

  Not a good sign.

  “Uh, Arnold,” you begin, “did it work?”

  His mouth opens and closes, but he doesn’t answer you.

  Definitely not a good sign.

  You leap off the bench. You run to a mirror and your heart nearly stops. You’re back to your normal height. But your body is totally changed!

  The flapping motion made your arms stretch. Your hands dangle below your knees! The swimming movement made your legs as thick as tree trunks. The helmet shrank your head to half its normal size!

  “I’m afraid I got the setting wrong,” Arnold says. “I should have read the instructions first.”

  Now he tells you!

  THE END

  You pick up the crumb of chocolate cake, place it in your mouth, and swallow. A moment later, you feel an electric tingling all over your body.

  The next instant, you feel a sharp pain in your head.

  Your head has hit the top of the refrigerator. You’re growing big again! The chocolate cake worked!

  You jump out of the refrigerator, rubbing your head. Then you grin while you watch all the junk around you in the dump appear to shrink.

  In just a few seconds you’ve returned to normal kid-size.

  You arrive back at your aunt’s house in time for lunch. Barney is waiting for you on the porch.

  “Where have you been, wimp?” he demands.

  “Out,” you say.

  “Oh, yeah?” He pulls back his hand to give you a karate chop. But to his surprise, and yours, too, you move quickly to block it.

  “OW!” Barney whines, rubbing his hand. “How did you do that?”

  You don’t answer. You’re not sure. But it seems the cake not only made you bigger, it made you faster and stronger. Maybe the rest of the summer won’t be so bad after all.