Find You in the Dark

by A. Meredith Walters

  I shook my head, my thoughts were fuzzy and my chest felt tight. This roller coaster we were on needed to stop. I wrenched backwards, away from Clay's grip. Clay looked panicked and tried to reach for me again. I shook my head and he dropped his hands to his side. He looked at me as though I were breaking his heart, which was nuts because I had no idea I even had it. “When you're in a room, Maggie, all I see is you. You make everything better. Clearer. You stop the crazy noise in my head. I can think, hell, I can breathe when we're together What you make me feel is the most unbelievable and scary thing I've ever felt.” My eyes went wide at his confession. I didn't want to say anything, not wanting to break the spell we found ourselves in.

  “I never thought I deserved to be happy. With all the shit that went down in Florida, it felt like my life was over. Moving here to Virginia might as well have been a death sentence. But then you literally ran into me.” We both laughed at his choice of words, easing the tension a fraction.

  Clay grabbed my hands and placed them over his heart. I could feel the erratic beat beneath my palm. “You ran into my life, this beautiful, amazing girl who changed everything. I finally saw what my world could be. What being normal and happy could look like. You've given me everything I never thought I could have! It scares me to think of life without you. Of not seeing your smile or hearing your voice. So when you didn't stop me from going off with Dana and then went and danced with that asshole, I thought you were telling me loud and clear that I didn't have a chance with you. And all I could see was my life without you in it. And it was a fucking dark and horrible place.”

  I closed my eyes, feeling the prick of tears behind my eyelids. How could I stay angry when he was saying everything I had wanted to hear since I had met him? Even in the midst of this whirlwind, he made me feel alive and adored. What girl could resist that combination?

  And it was time that I revealed my own truths.

  “That is so beyond ridiculous. I'm crazy about you too. I've wanted to be with you since the day I ran into your life; literally. Even when you were being the biggest prick on the planet, I wanted you. But I thought being your friend was all you could handle. You know, with everything else going on.” I looked at my feet, not wanting him to see my own vulnerability.

  I heard Clay's sharp intake of breath and then his fingers on my chin. “Mags. I've wanted the same thing. You have no idea how much. But you said over and over that I was your freaking friend.” He said in a desperate sort of way. I shook my head, my hair falling limply around my shoulders. The hairspray and teased styling long gone.

  “You're sick, Clay. I didn't want to overly complicate things.” I justified. Clay pulled me into his arms and I didn't fight him. “No, Maggie! No, no, no! I can't stand just being your friend. It's driving me crazy holding back on what I've really wanted to say. I need to be with you! It's the only thing that makes sense in my insane, fucked up life.” He was so impassioned in his appeal.

  I stood stiff in his arms, not sure what to do. He buried his face in my hair. “I'm a mess. If I were selfless, I'd make you leave. I know I'm a lot to deal with. I'm no where close to getting a handle on things. But I'm not lying when I say you make me feel like I can do it. If you're with me, I can do anything.” He stopped for a moment and then the seriousness seemed to break and his mouth quirked in a tiny smile.

  “So can we try? Even if it lasts an hour?” I snorted. He was quoting Yo La Tengo to me after everything he just put me through? First Japanese poetry, now indie rock. What next? Will he serenade me outside my window to Depeche Mode?

  But if there was one thing I had learned about Clayton Reed, is that I was powerless to resist him. He could charm the panties off a nun if he was inclined to do so.

  Slowly I brought my arms up until we encircled each other. Even in the hazy glow of contentment, I worried that he would try to replace his need for medication with me. I didn't want to become his crutch. I wanted him to get healthy and do it for himself.

  All of those concerns swirled around my head, making a decision difficult. And then he put his mouth to mine. The whisper soft touch of his lips and everything- my worries, my concerns, my doubts about our future, were lost in the amazing feeling of his mouth, his tongue and the light nips of his teeth on my bottom lip.

  We kissed for awhile, his hands getting tangled in my hair, my fingers making their way underneath the back of his jacket, clutching his skin. I could barely breathe and I knew I was going under. I was drawn down by the strong undertow. Down into what seemed to be a delicious darkness. And I was happy to lose myself in it.

  Chapter Eleven

  It's amazing how something that had, in concept, seemed so insignificant to my life could now become my entire world. Three weeks after the Fall Formal I was flying high. If I thought I couldn't get enough of Clay when were just friends, it was nothing compared to the insatiable need I had developed when he became my boyfriend.

  Boyfriend.

  Who'd a thunk it?

  “Ugh! Can you guys get a room already?” Daniel made a gagging noise from across the table during lunch. I smiled as Clay kissed the soft spot below my ear. He nuzzled my neck and I leaned into his touch.

  “Oh shut it, Daniel. You're just jealous. Just because Kylie has cut you loose...again.” Rachel said hatefully. My two best friends were the only dark spot in my state of Clay induced euphoria. Ever since the night of the dance, after Daniel callously ditched Rachel in favor of trying to work things out with Kylie- (who dumped him three days later-), they had been at each others' throats.

  Personally, I was totally on Rachel's side with this one, though I typically tried to be Switzerland between them. But what Daniel had done was nasty and he deserved every ounce of Rachel's complete and utter bitchittude.

  Daniel curled his lip at Rachel but didn't say anything back, angrily shoving his mashed potatoes around on his tray. The tension between the two of them was palpable. Clay cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable.

  “So, do you guys have any plans for Thanksgiving break?” Clay asked, trying to break the tense silence that had blanketed our table. Rachel shook her head and Daniel grumbled something unintelligible under his breath.

  I leaned into Clay's chest. “I'd take that as a...maybe?” I posed the statement as a question, hoping to solicit some sort of response from my miserable friends. “Well, I have an idea.” Clay piped up, getting everyone's attention.

  Daniel stopped swirling his potatoes and Rachel looked up from her Cosmo magazine. “Oh yeah? What's that?” I asked him. Clay grinned down at me and kissed the tip of my nose. I loved it when he did stuff like that. He had this way of making me feel like something infinitely valuable. Like I was the most precious thing in his universe.

  “Well, Ruby's girlfriend, Lisa has a cabin down by Franklin Lake. Maybe we could go down for the night. Like, say the Saturday after Thanksgiving? I mean, it's really nice. With satellite TV and a huge jacuzzi tub. It could be a lot of fun.” Clayton sounded excited.

  I was pleased to see this even- natured side of Clay. He had started taking the lithium again, starting the night of the formal. Despite my happiness about this, I continued to watch him closely. Looking for any sign that he was lying about the meds and had stopped taking him.

  I knew deep down that this wariness of mine where he was concerned wasn't good for the long term health of our relationship. But right now, Clay was on his meds and they seemed to have evened him out. He was still tired a lot and his appetite was nonexistent but he seemed less zombiefied than the last time he had been on the pills. Clay said they must be acclimating to his system, now that he was on them for a longer period of time.

  Well, whatever it was, I was happy to see it.

  “So what do you think?” Clay asked the table, pulling me out of my thoughts. I appreciated that Clay was trying to integrate into our circle. He had struggled with relaxing around my friends. He and I continued to exist in our isolated bubble most of the time. I knew opting to sp
end most of my time with him as opposed to my friends was having a negative effect on my other relationships. But I was in the blissful throes of the honeymoon period. I couldn't be faulted for that, right?

  For the most part, Rachel had tried to be pleasant, though she watched the two of us warily. I knew that she worried after Clay's Hulk episode at the dance. And Daniel, well, he still maintained an arms length with Clay. Though he tried for my sake. So, Clay inviting them along on an outing was huge. I hoped it was a positive step in the right direction in merging these parts of my life. I hated how being with Clay seemed at times to fragment my other relationships. Why did I have to have only one or the other?

  I squeezed Clay's hand in appreciation at his gesture. Clay gave me a shy smile. I reached up and brushed a loose curl out of his eyes, letting my fingers linger on his skin. His gaze softened and I shivered in giddiness.

  Daniel rolled his eyes at the two of us and I dropped my hand into my lap. I glared at my friend and he raised his eyebrows at me. “Sounds like fun to me.” I said, giving Daniel a pointed look.

  Rachel didn't look up and only shrugged. “I don't know. It all depends on what's going on with my family.” I sighed in frustration. I knew Rachel didn't want to hang out with her extended family for any length of time. Her grandparents drove her nuts and her aunts and uncles, for the most part, were a bunch of jerks. No, she was just being difficult.

  “Well, I think it sounds cool.” Daniel piped up, surprising me. Rachel stiffened beside him. I knew he was goading her. Not to be outdone, Rachel sat up straight. “Well, I think it sounds cool too. Count me in.” She said through clenched teeth. Great. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

  “Fantastic. So we'll all go.” Daniel said tersely, shoving his fork through his peas. Clay looked at me questioningly. I lifted my shoulders in resignation. “You two need to play nice or we'll leave your asses behind. Fair warning.” I told the two of them, wagging my finger in their direction.

  Rachel and Daniel briefly looked at each other and then away. Rachel gave Clay a tentative smile. “Thanks for inviting us.” “Sure.” Clay replied, still feeling awkward with the antagonistic vibe my friends were throwing out.

  “I'm gonna go get a soda. Want anything?” Clay asked me. “I'll have a soda too.” I dug a few coins out of my purse and tried to give them to him. Clay pushed my hand away and smiled. “I've got it, baby.” He said softly and I beamed at the endearment.

  Clay got up and went to get our drinks. I turned on my friends and leveled them with a glare of death. “You two need to get your acts together. Clay is making a big effort to be nice. The least you could do is give the battle royale between the two of you a rest for a while. You know, so you don't make the rest of us miserable.”

  Rachel and Daniel grumbled, but the chill between them thawed a bit. “Hey guys.” I felt the bench beside me dip as someone sat down beside me. I looked over to see Jake Fitzsimmons grinning as he snuck a piece of my brownie off of my plate.

  “Get your own brownie, Jake. Hands off of mine.” I swatted his hand away, giving him a small smile. The three of us had known Jake since Kindergarten. He was sweet and cute and had never been subtle in the fact that he had a giant crush on me.

  I chanced a look at Clay, but he was still waiting in line at the vending machine. “Daniel, Coach wanted me to let you know that practice was canceled today.” Jake said, taking more of my brownie. I moved my tray out of his reach.

  Jake and Daniel were on the basketball team together and the soccer team in the spring. “Thanks for letting me know, man. That frees up my afternoon. Which is good because I have a shitload of homework to catch up on.”

  “What are you getting into this afternoon, Maggie? Feel like getting into something with me?” Jake wiggled his eyebrows at me and I smirked. He was a horrible flirt. He reached for my food again and I grabbed his hand. “One more bite and I will take your hand off.” I warned him, locking my fingers around his wrist.

  Jake laughed and pretended to lunge for my lunch again. I shoved him back, still holding onto his arm. So, I guess it didn't look good when Clay finally reappeared. “Get the hell out of my seat.” I heard Clay say angrily from behind me. I saw Rachel's eyes get big as she looked over my shoulder.

  I dropped Jake's hand like it was on fire. Jake's smile disappeared and he looked up at Clay with a frown. “Sorry, dude. I'm just saying hi. I was just leaving.” Jake sounded nervous. When I looked up at Clay's dark face, I knew why. He looked murderous.

  “Get your hands off of my girl before I break your fucking fingers.” Clay growled, moving forward aggressively. Jake got to his feet and put his hands out in front of him. “Look, man. I'm not sure what your problem is, but I was just saying hey. No need to go postal.” Clay's face turned a scary shade of red and I thought he was going to reach over and grab Jake.

  I got between them, facing Clay. “Chill out, Clay. He was just leaving.” I looked back at Jake and pointedly said, “Goodbye, Jake.” Jake looked between Clay and me with concern. “Are you sure everything's okay?” He asked me softly. Clay moved forward again and I wasn't sure I could stop him from escalating the situation if Jake didn't leave.

  “I'm fine.” I said, my eyes pleading with Jake to just get the hell out of there. Jake's face clouded as he looked at Clay. “Okay. Well, see ya.” He waved at Rachel and Daniel and then hightailed it out of there.

  “What is your problem?” Daniel asked, clearly pissed by Clay's behavior toward his friend. Clay ignored the question, turning his rage on me. “What the hell was that?” He hissed at me, his eyes full of anger and accusation.

  “Nothing. He's just a friend. Calm down, alright. You're making a scene.” I glanced at the tables around us and realized everyone was watching our exchange like it was the god damn Jerry Springer Show.

  I tried to put my hand on Clay's arm, hoping physical contact would break through this rage of his. He backed away from me as though I had a contagious disease. “You let him touch you! You fucking let him touch you!” He yelled in my face. My skin flushed with embarrassment. Jeesh, you'd think I'd been caught having sex with another guy or something! Clay's reaction was ridiculous!

  “Enough, Clay! Back off!” Rachel had come around the table and pulled me away from my boyfriend. Clay looked down at Rachel, his dark eyes simmering. “Fine. I'm backing off. I'm backing the hell out of here.” He grabbed his bag and stormed off out of the cafeteria.

  I was painfully aware of the silence around us. I wanted to curl into a tiny ball of mortification. “That was bullshit, Mags. I'm gonna kick his ass for treating you like that.” Daniel fumed. “No, Danny. He's just stressed. It'll be all right. Don't hold it against him. Please!” I begged. Daniel stared at me as though I were talking in another language.

  Rachel looked at me with concern. “I don't like this, Maggie. The way Clay acted wasn't normal.” Normal. Ha! If Rachel even knew the half of it. I smiled weakly, hoping to placate them. “No, everything will be fine. Come on, you guys would be pissed if you saw someone flirting with your boyfriend or girlfriend. He was just surprised is all.” I reasoned unconvincingly.

  Daniel looked unswayed. “No, I can't say I've ever had that sort of reaction before. I swear, if he ever puts a hand on you...” I cut him off. “That's enough, Danny. Clay would never hurt me.” I swore. “There are more ways to hurt someone than that, Mags.” Rachel said quietly as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew she was right.

  I wasn't sure if Clay would wait for me after school to give me a ride home. I hadn't seen him the rest of the day and my heart hurt when I thought about how angry he had been. Rachel had tried talking to me about it a few more times but I shut her down, refusing to discuss it with her.

  I knew she and Daniel only cared about me but their worry irritated me. They had no idea what Clay went through every day. How hard it was for him to hold it together. They didn't see how beautiful and perfect we were together.r />
  They just didn't get it.

  “You want me to give you a ride home?” Danny asked as he waited for me by my locker at the end of the day. I still hadn't seen Clay, but I didn't want to spend the next fifteen minutes rehashing the state of my relationship with either of my best friends.

  “Nah. I'm sure Clay is just waiting by the car.” I told him, slamming the locker door closed. Daniel grabbed my hand and squeezed. “I'm not sure you should go anywhere with him. I knew I was right when I thought that guy was unstable. Maybe you need to just stay the hell away from him.”

  I snatched my hand back. “Shut up, Danny. He is not unstable. He got a little jealous. It's not a big deal! Don't you dare stand there and judge him! I've seen you do some pretty stupid things over Kylie. So just give him a break!” I said coldly. Daniel looked as though I had slapped him. I had gone from never raising my voice at him, to snapping at him all the time.

  I felt the strain in our friendship and I hated it. But I would be damned if I would stand there and justify my feelings for Clay to him or to anyone. “That's not fair. I have never blown my lid like that and you know it.” Daniel reasoned.

  I sighed, letting my shoulders drop. “Maybe you've just never cared enough about anyone to feel the way Clay does about me.” I sounded like an idiot, even I knew that. But I knew that Clay cared about me pretty damn deeply, even if I knew on some level that that didn't give him an excuse to act the way he had.

  “Well, that's a shitty way of showing someone you care, if you ask me.” Daniel quipped, following me out the door and onto the sidewalk outside of the school. I stopped and turned around, wrapping my arms around Danny in a hug. “I appreciate your concern. I love you so much for it. But trust me when I tell you that everything will be fine. Clay and I will work it out and I can't have you being all big brother around me all the time. I want the two of you to get along. You're two of the most important people in my life. So, please, for me...just let it go.” I pleaded.