by Dean, Ali
My dorm room’s empty and I check my phone to see the girls are at the cafeteria. I could join them, but I’m in the mood to be alone with my thoughts so I hop in the shower.
Twenty minutes under hot water doesn’t help a thing, only makes me run through every conversation and moment with Beck from day one, so I call up Phoebe once I’m in the empty dorm room and tell her about the competition.
She gushes for a few minutes before pausing. “Wait, I know you don’t get all giddy like I do but you sound legit bummed out, not even at all pumped about this.” She waits for me to deny it, but I don’t know what to say.
Phoebe continues trying to guess at the reason behind my lack of enthusiasm. “Are you worried you’ll get famous now? What’s wrong, Jo Jo?” Oh boy, she’s calling me my childhood nickname. I guess this is why I called her anyway. I knew I had to tell her the big news, but really, I wanted to unload the battle going on inside of me. Maybe if I tell Phoebe about it she’ll tell me I’m not as crazy as I feel right now.
“Beck’s doing a reality TV show after this semester.”
“Oh.”
“I found out from Kelly Diez, she got second. She was also kind of weirdly bitchy.”
“You know that’s Beckett’s ex-girlfriend, right?”
I shiver, suddenly freezing. It could be because I’m still in a towel but I’m guessing it has to do with this news.
“Really?”
“You know I’ve been loving hearing about you having your first real crush. It’s about time, Jo Jo. But I gotta tell you, you aren’t doing it right.”
“I’m not?”
“No. You obviously haven’t even done the bare minimum of online stalking. I get it. He’s famous so there’s a gold mine of info you may or may not want to actually have, but come on, he was with Kelly for two years. How did you not know this?”
“I don’t know. I only obsessed over the videos of Beck skateboarding before I met him. They don’t talk about his girlfriends on those. Does he have a lot of them? He seemed closed with Brie Charles today too.”
I’m not sure I want to know the answer. I feel like such an idiot. Of course Beck has ex-girlfriends. I’d hoped working with Brazen would bring me closer to Beck, but now I’m realizing it will also bring me closer to his ex-girlfriends too. At least, if they’re skateboarders. Maybe he has a thing for skateboarders like I do.
“I don’t know. I mean, I’m not the one with the crush here. I feel like I might have seen some news with Beck and Brie together though, or maybe it was Griffin. She might have grown up near them, now that I think about it.”
That doesn’t say much. A lot of the top skateboarders grew up in southern California.
I tell Phoebe about the way Beck acted, how Griffin put his arm around me, guided me out of the crowds. “Beck will say or do these little things that make me think he doesn’t really want to be friends with me, he wants more.”
“Like the kiss.”
“Not just that. I feel him watching me sometimes when we’re together. He’s just always looking out for me, and I don’t know, Phoebs, it feels like more than friends, but maybe that’s only me imagining it because I want it.”
“Well, I’ve told you what Wyatt thinks. Single guys can’t be friends with single girls.”
“So what about Taylor and Griffin? I’m friends with Griffin I think, Taylor even a little too.”
“Oh, he explained that to me, I asked him. If another friend has already made it clear the girl is off limits, they can be friends. Like with friends’ siblings. Think of Summer and Naomi, they’re friends with all the guys too.”
“But I’m not related to any of them.”
“Right, but Beck made it clear you’re off limits so that means his friends have to treat you like you’re not single. In their eyes, you’re taken.”
“That doesn’t seem fair. Especially because I’m not taken. Beck hasn’t made a move, not an obvious one, since we shook hands on friendship!” I’m practically shouting my frustration.
“Well, you don’t want to be with his friends anyway, do you?”
“Ugh, Phoebe! That’s not what I mean.”
“You need clarity. You need to know if you’re going crazy reading the situation wrong just because you’re so into him, or if you really are just friends.”
“Yeah,” I respond, calmer now that she seems to get it.
“Well, I’m not there so I can’t tell you. Wyatt thinks Beck must be into you too.” She pauses, and then says, “Maybe it’s time for you to make a move yourself, put it out there how you feel.”
“But this is Beckett Steele. And if he doesn’t feel the same, then everything will be awkward.”
“It’s up to you, Jo Jo, but he’s leaving at the end of the semester anyway for this reality show, right? You can keep torturing yourself for the next two months, or you can pull on your big girl panties and call him out next time he does or says something questionable.”
“Questionable?”
“You know, how you said he does and says things that make you think he’s really into you. Look for those opportunities to confront him and bring it up!”
“I’m not that girl, Phoebe, I don’t have it in me.”
“You competed in a pro skateboarding competition today, Jordan. You can do this.”
The door to my dorm room swings open and Lucy storms in followed by Zora and Ellie. “You won!” Lucy shouts.
“Who is that? Lucy?” Phoebe asks. “I’ll FaceTime you guys.” My phone rings with the FaceTime tone as all three girls tackle-hug me on my bed. Zora swipes my phone to tag in Phoebe. “I feel violated, you guys!” I squeal. “I’m not even wearing clothes!”
I can hear Phoebe laughing on the screen. Ellie squeezes me. “We’re just so proud. I can’t believe you wouldn’t let us come watch. Did you think we’d embarrass you?”
“We would definitely embarrass you,” Lucy adds.
“I’m so glad you’re not dressed yet,” Zora exclaims, taking in the towel barely covering the essentials now. “I’ve got a top I want you to wear tonight to the beach party.”
“Oh!” Phoebe calls through the phone. “Tell me it’s one of those tops that looks like a bikini. Jordan’s got great abs but no one ever sees them.” I glare at my best friend but she doesn’t seem to notice even though she’s looking at me through the screen. “It just doesn’t seem right I’m the only one who knows this about you.”
“It is!” Zora exclaims. “How’d you know?”
“I heard that’s a thing in California. Especially at a beach party… Wait, who is that in your doorway? Is that Beckett Steele? I’ve been wanting to meet you, Beckett! Come over here!” she yells from the phone as I scramble up into a sitting position and peek around Lucy. Yup, it’s him. He looks equal parts amused and nervous. Yep, nervous. Wait, no, that can’t be right. Beckett Steele doesn’t get nervous, and a group of hyper girls wouldn’t do it. Not when he spends so much time with Naomi and Summer. He’s used to this level of craziness.
But he’s shifting back and forth on his feet, his hands stuffed into his back pockets, even as he bites his lip to keep from laughing.
Zora gets up to bring the phone over to him, and introduces Phoebe as my best friend from home. They talk for a few minutes about the competition as I wonder if it’d be worse if I tried to put clothes on while he was standing there or if I should just stay in my towel. What is he doing here anyway? Fortunately, Phoebe manages not to embarrass me by saying anything about the ex-girlfriend we just discussed, or my disappointment in learning about the reality TV show.
Once Phoebe signs off, we all wait for Beck to explain what he’s doing here.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Beck
“I was hoping to talk to Jordan,” I explain. Standing at the foot of a freshman dorm room with three, four if the one on the phone counts, of Jordan’s friends blocking my access to her is one of the most humbling moments of my life.
“Oh, you
should have called. I need to get dressed.”
Yeah, I noticed. That’s not an image I’ll be forgetting any time soon.
“I did, but you didn’t answer, so I thought I’d swing by before I drive Summer and Naomi home.”
My humiliation doubles when I realize I only texted her fifteen minutes ago and she was probably in the shower or on the phone. But I’m paranoid she’s ignoring me, shutting me out, after the awkwardness that went down at Riptide earlier. I should have said something in the van, but I didn’t know what. Not with others around.
“Okay. Can you give me a few minutes?” Jordan asks.
“No, it’s fine, we’ll go out,” Lucy offers. I see her wink at Jordan, who glares back.
“Just don’t take too long,” Zora warns. “We’re leaving for the beach soon and I have a sexy outfit for you. So don’t change yet either, stay in your towel!” she calls as the girls shuffle past and slam the door, leaving me alone in the tiny room with Jordan. Who is basically naked. Okay she’s covered up everything important but her shoulders are bare and all I’d have to do is tug the towel to the side…
“What did you want to talk about?” Jordan asks. Sometimes I can’t tell if she’s actually cool with us being just friends, or if she’s a really good actress. If it wasn’t for the emotions I saw in the van, I’d wonder if I’d imagined the chemistry between us. That and her friends and everyone else seem to think there’s something going on between us.
“I wanted to talk to you about Kelly.”
“Kelly?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry she was such a bitch.”
“She wasn’t that bad. Phoebe just told me she’s your ex-girlfriend so it makes sense now.”
I sit on the edge of her bed, keeping some distance between us.
“I should have told you about Shred Live. We’ll be filming starting in January, so I’ll be gone for months. When I get back, I hit the competition circuit.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You know?”
“I didn’t know about the reality show but I knew that you wouldn’t be a full-time student forever, Beck.”
“This area’s home base, it always will be,” I start, not even sure what my point is anymore.
“Look Beck, you don’t have to explain it to me. You don’t have to apologize that your ex-girlfriend was kind of rude. It’s fine. We’re friends. We can stay friends when you leave too.”
My eyes search hers, looking for any sign. I’m used to the Kellys of the world, playing some angle or manipulating me. I don’t know what to do about this girl sitting on her bed in a towel.
Needing to give her something, something more than the dumb things I’ve said so far, I explain, “Kelly and I were together for two years. She couldn’t handle it when I traveled, was suspicious of every girl at competitions. She even accused me of cheating with Brie.”
Jordan just blinks at me, making me feel like more of an idiot, but I’ve already dug this hole and I keep going.
“Brie and I have skateboarded together for years. We’re friends, or we were until Kelly tried to turn the female skateboarding community against her for supposedly cheating with me. But Brie doesn’t even like guys, Jordan. She’s been out as a lesbian since she was sixteen.”
“Beck, I don’t understand why you’re telling me all this. I know we’re friends, but this all happened a long time ago. Is this why Griffin held on to me at the park? So she’d think I was with him instead of you? Is that why you’re explaining all this?”
Is it? I don’t even know. I can’t focus with her shoulders exposed, her bare leg hanging off the edge of the bed and within reach.
Before I can stop myself, I confess, “I hate it when he touches you. But yeah, he did it to keep Kelly from giving you a hard time. She’s only gotten crazier since we broke up.”
“Beck, you can’t say things like that.” She’s whispering, but it’s a hard admonishment all the same.
“I do hate it,” I tell her. I can’t let her think I’d ever be okay with it.
Jordan holds my gaze for a beat, ten seconds, maybe a full minute. My skin heats as I fight my growing erection. I can’t be in a room this small with her and think straight.
Jordan shifts, and the next thing I know, my inexperienced girl is playing out a fantasy I’ve only had in my head. She moves to her knees, and while the towel remains tucked around her chest, it swings open just enough to tease me as she crawls forward. Next thing I know, she’s kneeling on the mattress, her knees brushing the side of my leg. I can smell her bodywash and shampoo and all the blood in my body is flowing directly to my dick.
“Why do you hate it?” she asks.
Hate what? What were we even talking about?
“Because I want you to be mine.” I can’t believe I’ve confessed this, but the blood flow to my brain is weak right now. Besides, it’s the truth, and if she didn’t know it already, she has it now.
“Then why don’t you make me yours?” she asks the simple and obvious question. The one I’ve been waiting for her to ask, wanting her to ask, but can’t quite form words in answer. Not now. Not when she’s seduced me into utter helplessness without even trying. I’d do anything she asked right now.
“If you hate anyone else touching me, even if it’s to keep your crazy ex away, then who is going to do it, Beck?”
“Do what?” I croak out the question, my voice dry and nearly hoarse with wanting to feel her.
“Touch me. I don’t want to hurt you if it’s someone else. But I’m not going to wait forever.”
Come on Beck, remember why you can’t do this.
Any words catch in my throat as my hand twitches, moving of its own accord to rest on the top of her thigh. My eyes flutter closed. It’s such an innocent touch, but it makes me burn. This is Jordan, the girl who sticks her tongue out to the side when she does a 540, who races me down parking garage ramps and who initially refused a pro deal because she didn’t want to ruin the pure joy of skateboarding. She might only be eighteen but she’s found that sweet spot between responsibilities and freedom. One the rest of us may never find.
My eyes are half-lidded as I take her in, my hand drifting upward. She sucks in a breath, her own lashes fluttering, and I haven’t even reached her most sensitive flesh.
When I pause, trying again to gather my wits, Jordan’s own hand covers my wrist, urging it onward.
“Please, Beck,” she whispers.
I’m throbbing, losing control, and I haven’t even touched her yet. It’s terrifying and one more reason why I simply cannot do this.
“The door isn’t locked,” I manage to choke out, jumping up and turning my back to her before I make a mistake I’ll never be able to take back.
My breaths are harsh as I force myself to take two steps forward to the door. My hand rests on the knob and I stare at it for a full minute, willing the blood to return to the rest of my body. Finally, I turn back to look at Jordan, feeling like I can act rationally again. The sight of her kneeling in the same spot in that damn towel, it nearly has me rushing right back over there and going for it. But that’s not the man I want to be. It’s definitely not the man she needs.
“I can’t, Jordan. I’m sorry.” The words radiate in my head as I open the door, avoiding looking at her reaction.
As soon as the door shuts behind me I’m moving to the stairwell, as desperate to get away as I am to turn right around and give Jordan exactly what she asked me for.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Beck
When I get to the empty stairwell, I catch my breath. Leaning back against the wall, I slip my hand beneath my waistband to adjust myself, but find myself gripping my length. It’s not as if I can finish right here, but it wouldn’t take much. My hand doesn’t move as I feel the hot flesh pulse, unwilling to completely let go of the sensations Jordan evoked.
I bang my head back against the wall, wishing it could be different. I don’t know how long I stand there, gripping myself and b
reathing hard, but eventually I hear a door bang from a few stories below, snapping me out of this self-imposed limbo. I take my time getting to the van and swinging back by my apartment to get the girls.
The entire drive to Callaway, I’m in my own head. Summer and Naomi are busy on their phones, updating social media statuses and responding to comments. But as soon as we drop off Summer a block away, Naomi’s on me.
“What happened, Beck?”
I glance at her as I roll forward, uncertain how to respond. I can’t play dumb, not with my sister.
“I told you. I was apologizing for not telling her about Shred Live and explaining the situation with Kelly.”
I pull into our parents’ driveway, but as I reach for the door Naomi stops me. “Wait. We’re talking about this, Beck. It’s time for an intervention.”
“An intervention?”
“That’s right.”
Now I’m not so sure where she’s going with this, but it doesn’t sound like I’ve got a way out of it, and I definitely don’t want it going down in front of Mom.
“What’s on your mind, Rugrat?”
“Why are you only being friends with her? You’ve never shied away from what you want before. I mean, look at you. You want a college degree so you’re putting your skateboarding career on hold and taking extra classes. You want Griff’s company to succeed so he has something to replace the competitions he lost when he tore his ACL, so you’re doing a freaking reality show. And you’ve got this girl you obviously are really into who is super into you too. Are you waiting for her to make a move? I don’t get that.” Naomi’s ranting, and I let her, because what else can I do?
“You’re the one who’s older and famous. She’s the one now on contract with Griffin. She’s not shy or whatever, but I don’t think she’d risk making things awkward for all of us by putting herself out there for you. I think she’ll settle for friendship if that’s all you’re offering her.”
