by Dean, Ali
Fuck. My fifteen-year-old sister sees everything, and she’s almost exactly right. Except Jordan did risk everything to make a move tonight and put herself out there. And what did I do? I ran. Literally. She’s the brave one here, but she also doesn’t know how much I could hurt her. Tonight might have been painful for her, but it won’t be as bad as what could happen weeks or months from now if I’d done what I really wanted on that bed.
Naomi pauses a moment, and when she speaks again, her voice is solemn. “You’re not him, you know.”
“Who?”
“Your dad. That’s what this is about, isn’t it?”
I scoff. “That’s not it, Rugrat. I know I’m not like my dad.” He cheated on our mom, multiple times with different women. He has new girlfriends every time I see him, which isn’t often, but the women are always closer to my age than his. My father is the ultimate womanizer, and he even seems to thrive on the drama when he switches from one to the next. I’ve tried to look past it, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to respect my own dad. Somehow, I keep trying to find an ounce of respect, even when he sickens me.
“You know, I did cheat on Kelly,” I tell my sister.
“No you didn’t. Why are you lying? Are you trying to make me think you’re like your dad? It’s not going to work, Beck.”
“It wasn’t cheating exactly, but I purposefully messed around with one of her friends after we broke up, just to piss her off. Now, I know I’m not as bad as him, but that’s definitely something he would do just for kicks.”
Not as bad as him now. The cheating didn’t start with Mom until after I was born, as far as I know. I could still turn into him.
“Except you didn’t do it for kicks. You did it so she’d hate you and finally let you go.”
“Yeah, but I still did it.” It worked. I’d spent months trying to break up with her, and she wouldn’t have it. I’d had no idea how hard it would be to break up with someone. I don’t know what it says about me that I dated her in the first place, let alone for so long. Maybe because that’s what I thought I deserved. If I was going to end up like Dad anyway, better to be with someone like Kelly. Someone who acted like I was already cheating on her, maybe because she needed that drama in her life. I never did figure her out. Guess I never figured me out either.
A darkness washes over me and I shudder. “Shit Naomi, maybe you’re right. Just a little,” I add. Why did I date Kelly in the first place? I’ve always wondered that, but now I’m wondering if I’m finally seeing my answer. I was afraid I’d be just like my dad with relationships, so I went for someone high drama, someone I didn’t think would last in the first place. I just hadn’t realized what I’d gotten into.
“You should go back to Jordan, Beck. Stop being afraid you’ll be like him. Your dad might have messed up the best thing going in his life when he cheated on Mom but that doesn’t mean you will too.” After Mom left him, Dad fully embraced the behavior that ruined his marriage in the first place, as far as I could tell. It’s like he started a downward spiral, but he just can’t see it clearly enough to get out of it.
“How’d you get all wise? How do you even know so much about relationships anyway?” I shoot her a suspicious glare, but her response isn’t one I’m expecting.
She gives me a wide smile. “I talk to Mom a lot.”
I groan, recognizing this means she’s spilled all this to Mom too. I can only imagine them sitting around the dinner table psycho-analyzing the situation. No wonder Mom hasn’t brought up Jordan again recently, she’s getting all the intel from Naomi.
“And Summer and Griffin sometimes too,” she adds, making me bang my head back against the head rest.
“There’s no privacy in this family, is there?”
“Nope. But I promise I’ll tell you when I have my first boyfriend at least. And if I don’t, I’m sure Summer will or someone will find out. So there’s that silver lining.”
“You trying to change the subject?”
“Are you going back to campus to find Jordan? I can tell Mom why you didn’t pop in,” she offers, all innocence. Now that I know I’ll be subject to the third degree by Mom, I opt to head back to campus. It’s not the only reason though.
There might be a million reasons I can come up with not to go for it with Jordan. But Naomi’s words resonate more than anything. I’m nothing like my dad, and it’s that very fear that is holding me back. I won’t let his mistakes and shortcomings define anything else about my life.
The truth is, I was already considering scoping out this beach party they were talking about. I mean, I heard what Jordan was thinking about wearing, and the words “I won’t wait forever” are haunting me.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Jordan
I’m still sitting on my bed in my towel when there’s a knock on the door, followed by Lucy asking if she can come in.
“Yeah, it’s just me,” I tell her.
Lucy, Zora, and Ellie must have been in the bathroom doing makeup and hair, because they look ready to party. This time when they head straight for me, it’s not a congratulatory tackle but tentative hugs.
“What happened?” Lucy asks. “What did he want to talk to you about?”
I tell them how he just wanted to explain about Kelly and apologize for not telling me about the reality show. “But he said something about not liking it when Griffin touches me. Griffin had thrown an arm around my waist and kind of gotten all protective when Kelly was there. It had confused me, because I thought the lines had sort of been drawn. Anyway, I asked him about that, and he said it was because Kelly is crazy and if she thought Beck was with me, she’d make my entrance onto the pro circuit rough.”
“That makes sense,” Ellie says gently.
“Not how he said he hates it when Griffin touches me. And then he said he wants me to be his! What is that all about? He says these things but then goes along acting like we’re only friends. I’m sick of being confused so I just went for it.”
Zora asks, “Went for it?”
“What exactly did you do?” Lucy doesn’t mask her concern.
“I asked him to touch me, said I wouldn’t wait forever.”
Zora whistles. “Damn, girl.”
Ellie hollers. “I love it!”
“Yeah, well, he shut me down.”
“You can’t be serious.” Zora is outraged.
“I mean, he seemed into it for a minute, but then he just kind of bolted, said he was sorry with no real explanation.”
Lucy pats my back. “Why aren’t you crying? I’d be sobbing in my pillow right now. You’re holding it together really well.”
I’ve been sitting here going through the gamut of emotions – humiliation, disappointment, anger, confusion, and definitely a boatload of sexual frustration. I never understood sexual frustration until I met Beckett Steele.
“You know what?” I ask, making eye contact with all three of them. “It’s his loss. I’m proud I put myself out there. I wanted him. I would have regretted it if I played along with the friends thing the rest of the semester. I know we’ll have to avoid each other now, or maybe we’ll just pretend it never happened, I don’t know. But I needed to make a move and not let him dictate how it would go down between us without letting him know how I felt.”
Zora’s shaking her head. “Oh my God. You are so mature. It’s a little disgusting. Can you please ugly cry so we can comfort you?”
“It might come later,” Ellie tells Zora, giving her a comforting pat on the shoulder. “Sometimes denial comes first.”
Lucy grabs my hand. “Nah, Jordan’s tough. Besides, she’s like, on her way to being the best female skateboarder in the country or something now.” I laugh, knowing how ludicrous that declaration is. “She doesn’t need Beckett Steele.” That part, at least, I hope is right.
“I do need a new guy to practice with though,” I admit, somewhat sheepishly. “Maybe there will be some cute guys at this beach party?” This sexual frustration thin
g is no joke.
Zora nods and in a voice that’s much too serious for the words that come out of that mouth, says, “You need to hump something, don’t you?”
The rest of us burst into laughter.
“Hump?” Ellie says between snorts. “I think it’s the other way around, isn’t it?”
“Oh!” Lucy bounces beside me. “Davis Caine will be there!”
“Davis Caine?” I ask.
“You know, Davis, he comes to the coffee shop all the time and tries to get your attention?”
“He’s not trying to get my attention, Lucy, but he’s cute.” I can’t really imagine kissing him, but maybe if I get to know him I’ll find him just as attractive as Beck. Ha. Yeah right.
I don’t know what comes over me but I jump up and demand Zora dress me. I’ll wear whatever she wants me to, as long as she doesn’t take too long and we get out of here soon. I’m done being in this room.
Within a few minutes, I find myself in a red wrap-around halter thing that only covers the essentials on top. The shorts and skater shoes are mine, but considering what’s on, or not on, the top half of my body, I don’t exactly feel comfortable. “Won’t I get cold?” I try to reach for a hoodie but Zora slaps my hand away.
“Nope. If you take that you won’t ever take it off. Remember, you’re going to ask Davis to keep you warm if you get chilly.”
The truth is, wearing this top isn’t nearly as bold as what I did, or tried to do, with Beck earlier. Remembering that, I follow the girls out of the dorm, pretending like I’m totally cool flashing my abs and having a nearly-naked back.
We take a bus, and it’s not until we’re halfway there it occurs to me to ask how we’re getting home later.
“The bus runs until midnight,” Ellie tells me. “But definitely don’t ride it alone.”
“Why would I ride it alone? You guys will come back with me, right?”
Lucy shoots me a guilty smile. “Well, this party is at Coby Dalton’s house. He’s the one who invited us.” Right, her crush. I guess they’ve been partying with him and his friends, going to parties that are tamer and more low key than the frat row scene.
“Okay, but what does that mean about getting home?”
“I’m hoping to spend the night with Coby. And depending on how the night goes, we might all end up staying here.”
After blinking a few times I glance at Zora in the seat on my left and then back across the row to Lucy and Ellie. None of them seem fazed by this, and I try not to let on that I’m already regretting coming.
“Uh, why didn’t you bring like a bag with clothes to change?”
“Wellllll,” Ellie drags out the word. “We don’t want to look too presumptuous.”
“She means slutty,” Zora clarifies.
“Besides, we can always Uber it if it’s after midnight,” Ellie continues, ignoring that comment.
Letting out a shaky breath, I nod. “Right. Okay. Got it.”
Zora chuckles beside me and throws an arm around my shoulder. “Jordan, you’re not scared of shit when you’re on a skateboard. You can handle this. Trust me.”
That’s not true. I was scared of the half pipe at Riptide. But she’s right in that this party makes me queasy in a way I’ve never been when I’ve got my feet on my board. Too bad I couldn’t get away with bringing a skateboard to a beach party.
Lucy reaches her hand across the aisle and pats my knee. “And we’re not going to ditch you.”
I don’t want to sound whiny and needy but I have to point out the obvious. “What if Coby is into you like you hope and wants to go somewhere? I’m not going to ruin your night, Lucy, by requiring a babysitter.”
“Well, by then maybe you’ll have ditched me for Davis.” She waggles her eyebrows as the bus rolls to a stop. We’ve got another two blocks to walk and I’m able to relax just slightly when I see we’re in a pretty nice area with single family homes and tidy lawns. I guess I assumed it would be the beach version of frat row, but these houses are actually spaced apart, and when we reach our destination, it’s the largest lot around.
“Looks like they’re trying to keep a low profile for the neighbors,” Zora points out with a low whistle. The front of the house is dark and quiet.
“Coby said to just go around back,” Lucy explains, leading us to a side gate.
We push it open, and I let the others pass through first. When I get to the other side I find myself pausing to take it in. The house is a ways from the shoreline, and I can’t imagine what it would be like to wake to this view every morning. Actually, I don’t think we’re all that far from Riptide and I find myself wondering why Beck doesn’t live in a place like this one instead of an apartment by campus. But I force thoughts of him out, or try to, as the girls fawn over the back porch and kick off their shoes before hitting the sand. There isn’t anyone at the house from what I can see, but a few dozen are lounging around closer to the shore.
I get more uncertain as we get closer, wondering if I should have come, if the invite to Lucy really extended to me. I get the sense this party is exclusive.
A guy starts jogging toward us and he calls out to Lucy as he gets closer. My hesitations melt away as he introduces himself as Coby, and brings us with him to the party. He seems kind of proud of Lucy and by default her friends as he takes us around to everyone. It’s cute. I wonder how much I’ve been missing out on while these guys have been partying on Saturday nights. Lucy told me they haven’t hooked up yet, but they’re obviously into each other.
The beach has been set up like a playground for college students, with tiki lights and a full moon allowing some lighting. There’s a volleyball net, cornhole, and of course the signature beer pong table I’ve heard is a staple at all college parties. A little ways off, a group sits around while a girl and a guy play on their guitars.
We end up by a makeshift bar, and Coby shows us a keg and a cooler with lots of other options.
When I grab a wine cooler, I do it so that I blend in. But then I decide to try a sip, and it tastes pretty good. From a distance, I see someone get up from their chair over by the music and walk our way. Recognizing Davis from the coffee shop, I find myself taking another long pull. One drink won’t do much, and it will make this a little easier. A rush of determination flows through me. It’s time for me to find out if Beck is the only good kisser around, or if I’ve got chemistry with other guys too. Maybe I just need to give someone else a chance, and I’ll realize Beckett Steele isn’t so special after all.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Beck
Griffin’s already gone when I get back, probably to a bar or to meet some friends. I’ve been ditching out on that scene since school started, but we both know it’s not so much about the workload. We’ve gotten into the habit of skateboarding on Saturday afternoons with our sisters and Jordan, once she gets off her shift. I hadn’t realized I’d get this time with Summer and Naomi when I decided to take a last semester at Summerside U, and maybe I’ve got Jordan to thank for including them.
By the time we’re done on Saturdays, Griffin and Taylor, if he’s with us, are ready to party, while all I want to do is be alone with Jordan. Since I can’t have that, it’s a shower alone with her on my mind. The pathetic-ness of this is finally starting to hit me as I wander to Taylor’s room, where I hear him moving around. He’s grabbing his wallet, ready to head out.
“What’s up? I thought you might have finally hooked up with Jordan. What are you doing here?”
Man, am I really that obvious? Guess so.
“Do you know about any beach parties happening with the college kids?”
Taylor barks out a laugh. “The college kids, huh?” He shakes his head. “Yeah, Coby Dalton’s place. He’s keeping it small though, so if you show, that could hijack his plans.”
“I’m not going to post it on Instagram or Twitter,” I protest. “Wait, Coby Dalton, the surfer?”
“Yeah. It’s where I’m headed. Did you want to come?”
He tosses me a baseball cap. “Wear this, maybe you won’t be so obvious. Last time it was a ways from the house on the beach so it was kind of dark.”
As I follow Taylor out and listen to him tell me about the group living in this beach house, a gnawing sensation fills my gut. I should be comforted that Jordan and her friends are apparently hanging out with solid guys. They’re elite surfers, living in a home owned by Dalton’s parents. He’s responsible though, keeping the parties small and away from the house for the most part. It’s probably the kind of scene Jordan would be into, the kind of guys she’d be interested in.
Taylor beeps his car unlocked but I tell him we’re taking my van. “Just in case we want to crash in it instead of driving home later,” I explain, as my mind spins with ideas of who else I’d like to sleep in this van with.
“Oh yeah, good call.”
He slides into the passenger seat.
It’s not until we’re on the highway that Taylor asks with a casualness that sounds false, “You know Davis Caine, a senior who’s on the surfing circuit?”
“Not sure, sounds kind of familiar.”
“He lives at the house too. You might want to hurry if you’re planning to make a move on Jordan tonight. Davis is into her.”
* * *
Jordan
“You guys aren’t far from Riptide, are you?” I ask Davis. I’ve already finished the first wine cooler, and now I’m halfway through the second.
“Yeah, really close.” He points down the beach. “You can walk there in fifteen minutes from here.”
“Seriously? No way.” I peer in the direction he’s pointing, but all I see are some lights from houses and buildings in the distance.
He lets out a quiet laugh, and it sounds nice. I find myself leaning a little closer. “Come on.” Davis winds his fingers in mine. “We can walk that way.”
That’s how I find myself on a beach stroll with a pretty cute surfer guy. He already knew about my competition today, and when he’d asked me about it, I was surprised with how much he seemed to be in the loop. But then I discovered he competed in surfing. He claims he’s not really a pro, that it’s just for fun, but I can tell he’s nearly as obsessed with it as I am about skateboarding. There’s a lot of overlap, especially around here, between the skateboarding and surfing worlds, and as we walk hand in hand barefoot in the sand, I start to think I might be into surfers too, not just skateboarders.
