Nowhere but Here

by Katie McGarry

  I trail off and Emily’s forehead wrinkles. “What?”

  I swallow down the hurt. “Eli said your dad called him. You’re going home soon.”

  The bright cheer that had been on her face is replaced by a shadow. “What? But I told Dad on Monday I wasn’t ready to go back yet. I told him I wanted to spend more time with Olivia and Eli said something about going on another weekend trip and—”

  “Your mom and dad miss you,” I cut her off. “That’s not a bad thing.”

  She throws herself into me, wrapping her arms around my stomach and burying her face in my chest. I rest my chin on her head and squeeze her into me. I’m going to miss this. Having her in my life day in and day out. “I want to make this work, but we have to play our cards right. Are you with me?”

  She pulls back and looks up at me. “I don’t want to be a secret.”

  “You won’t be. I promise. Let me get patched in tonight and then I’ll have some footing in the club. Trust me, I’ll need it. Eli won’t be happy with me.”

  “But he can’t take back your patch because we’re together, can he?”

  It’s what I’m banking on. That and I hope Eli will get his shit together sooner rather than later in understanding that I would die for his daughter. I have no doubt Eli will come to his senses on this, but I can’t risk him taking longer than Olivia has to live. “I’m not asking you to lie. I’m asking if we can move slowly.”

  “Okay.”

  I kiss her forehead and then lead her out of the woods. A foot from the edge of the tree line Emily hesitates. “Is your name really Oz?”

  The majority of people in my life think it is. Only a handful of people know my real name. “It’s Jonathan, but Olivia started calling me Oz when I was little and it stuck.”

  “Why Oz?”

  I watch as a group of guys raise the American flag next to the Terror’s flag on the pole. “Because she said that growing up here, around all this, must be the equivalent of Dorothy being born in Oz.”

  Emily smiles and she doesn’t lose the expression when I release her hand, but she does stroll close enough to me that sometimes our hands brush against each other as we walk. We round the cabin and Eli leans against his old pickup and grins when he spots the two of us.

  “Eli wants to see you,” I say. “Find me when you’re done and we’ll get some food.”

  I wink at Emily and force myself to turn and walk away. By this time tomorrow, I’ll be a full member of the Reign of Terror and one step closer to having her by my side in public.

  Emily

  DON’T MENTION THAT I know what the stars on his arm mean. Don’t mention that every time I sneak a peek at him, I’m counting again and again, or how I’m freaking frustrated that it always adds up to seventeen.

  Eight stars are empty. Nine stars are colored in. Seventeen stars. One for each year of my life. Why the hell would a man who never wanted me mark himself this way?

  Don’t go there, Emily. Just don’t. Focus.

  Don’t mention to Eli that I’ve fallen in love. Don’t mention to him I spent the night half-naked wrapped up in Oz’s arms. Don’t mention that I’ve never felt this way and that it’s a wonderful feeling and a terrifying feeling and it’s similar to being on the back of a motorcycle.

  Don’t mention to Eli that while he’s sitting there all expectant in the passenger side of his truck, I’m thirty seconds away from puking on his steering wheel. “I can’t do this.”

  “Yes, you can,” Eli encourages me. “Foot on the brake, turn the key in the ignition, shift the truck into Drive, then gently tap the gas.”

  Nausea bubbles up my throat. The windows are down, but the day was hot enough that any exposed skin left by my shorts and tank top sticks to the plastic seating. I flex my fingers and inhale the scent of cigarette smoke and pleather.

  I can do this. I can freaking drive a truck. No. No I can’t. “There are a ton of people around here. Maybe we should wait until everyone’s gone.”

  “We’re not NASCAR driving. You’re going to gently tap the gas and if you think we’re moving too fast, you’re going to press the brake.”

  The front porch is full of gawkers. Olivia watches us from her Adirondack chair. Cyrus holds her hand as he stands next to her. Razor sits on the porch swing and rocks it in a slow motion. Chevy and Oz each rest a shoulder against opposing beams near the stairs and Violet and her brother, Stone, are planted on the bottom step.

  “I want you back in the house by eight tonight,” says Eli. “After that, no one under eighteen can be around the clubhouse.”

  I have to focus very hard so I don’t roll my eyes. “I can’t watch Oz patch in?”

  Eli gives me this dark expression that tells me the answer is no. Rules are rules I guess, and it’s not my club. It’s a boys’ club. With that thought I’m drawn to Violet. The moment she walked up to the front porch she announced that she was only here to visit me.

  This club has hurt her somehow and while we’ve chatted on the phone about clothes and some guys she’s been dating this summer, we never discuss anything important.

  Olivia glances in Violet’s direction and Chevy looks like someone shot him in the chest multiple times. Sadness settles in my gut. When I arrived, I was almost as bad as she is now and for that, “I’m sorry.”

  I seem to be saying that a lot. Eli peers over at me as if I told him I was pregnant. “What?”

  For those years you asked me a million questions and I gave you half-truths. For that—I’m sorry. “I’m sorry I’m being a spaz. It’s just...” I wipe my sweaty palms on my jean shorts. “The first time I drove, I pressed on the gas too hard and then freaked out and accidently pressed on the gas more thinking it was the brake and it obviously wasn’t the brake and well...I wrecked Dad’s car. No one was hurt or anything, but the car was...”

  I use my hands to measure a foot then squish it to an inch. “Smooshed.”

  “No one was hurt?” he repeats.

  “Not even a bruise.”

  Eli scratches his jaw, but I spot a smile. “The reason you haven’t learned to drive is...”

  “Did you miss where I said I smooshed his car? Like an accordion. Dad’s a fantastic guy, but come on. I wrecked his car, which proves I am a freaking menace behind the wheel.”

  “It’s okay to be afraid,” he says. “But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it again.”

  “I’m not afraid,” I counter, but I am. I always seem to be afraid and my stomach dips. Everyone here in Snowflake is continually brave. Olivia, Oz, Eli...all of them.

  “When your mom told me she was pregnant with you, I was afraid.”

  The truck rocks with how fast my body moves in his direction. Eli’s never spoken so openly about our past before. “What?”

  Eli stares out the front windshield. “Besides what’s happening with Mom, I’m not sure I’ve ever been so scared in my life as when Meg told me she was pregnant. We were young and still in school and I didn’t feel old enough to take care of myself, much less a baby.”

  My mouth dries out and a million questions form in my mind, but I don’t know how to ask any of them. I crave for him to tell me more, but at the same time, I’m terrified of what I might learn.

  “The point is, I was scared and so was your mom, but she figured out how to work past the fear. When I look at you, I see Meg. Your mom—she was fearless.”

  I’ve heard a lot of people say a lot of negative things about my mother in the past few weeks, but I don’t see hatred in Eli’s eyes. I spot the same pain that always seems to live within him, but I also spot admiration and possibly love. For me, for Mom, maybe for both of us...but regardless, there is love.

  Maybe there’s room to love him—that is if he really does have room in his life to love me.

  Eli reaches over
and the air rushes out of my lungs when he turns the keys. The engine rumbles to life and he straightens back in his seat. “This truck is a piece of shit. There’s not much more you can do to it and my life insurance policy is paid up, so we’re good.”

  “Eli...” I protest.

  “Put your foot on the brake, shift into Drive, then gently tap the gas. I also suggest holding on to the steering wheel.”

  “Eli...” I try again.

  “You can do this,” he pushes. Okay. I can do this. A surge of adrenaline grabs me and I do exactly what Eli asks.

  Oz

  I’VE NEVER BEEN so buzzed in my life and I haven’t had a drop to drink. Cyrus grins at me as he holds out my cut and beyond him, Olivia smiles. My road name is sewn on the front right underneath the words Mother Chapter. I slip my arms in and, I swear to God, I’m a fucking king.

  I inhale and the scent of leather hits me. Cyrus pulls me into a hug and when he claps my back, it’s a high hit to keep from touching the three-piece patch. It’s a sign of respect. No one touches the patch and now I’m a brother who deserves the respect Cyrus is offering.

  He releases me and a round of cheers fills the yard packed with hundreds of people. A ton of brothers, some Terror Gypsies and other people ready to party. It’s after nine in the evening. The sky is black and because of clouds that rolled in there’s not a star in the sky. Off to the side, a bonfire roars and embers float in the dark night.

  Music pumps from the clubhouse. Loud guitars. A drum line that rattles the bones. All of it the foundation for a night I’ll remember forever.

  There’s a flurry of embraces and congratulations. A sea of faces and smiles. There’s Eli, my father and Razor. Each of them with a bottled beer in hand. Dad offers one and a hug. I accept both.

  “Tonight’s about you.” Razor raises his beer and the four of us clink glasses. I’m a brother now. My dream come true. The only one missing is Chevy, but in a year he’ll be beside me. He’ll complete this circle.

  Following tradition, the three of them shake their unopened beers and I pop off the cap of mine.

  “Let’s go, boy,” my dad says.

  I chug as the rest of them open theirs and spray me with the contents. There’s beer up my nose, dripping down my hair as I swallow the last gulp. When I finish, the four of us throw our beers into the fire. Glass shatters and little bursts of flames appear from the alcohol.

  More whistles and shouts. Another beer in my hand. An arm around my neck and I’m led into the clubhouse. The music is deafening. Topless girls dance on the bar. The building is wall-to-wall people. A commotion of sights, colors and sounds. The stench of beer, body odor and sex hangs in the air.

  I hesitate before walking all the way inside. A glance over my shoulder and the light turns off in Emily’s room. Two prospects stand guard near the front door of the cabin. Tonight’s a test. A test to confirm that Emily’s safe.

  Eli’s chatting with a brother from another chapter and I reach past two people and grab his arm. “Are you sure Emily’s good?”

  Eli shoves past the people and wraps his hand around my neck, leaning me into him. “Your job is done. You enjoy tonight and you let me worry about Emily. Welcome to the brotherhood, Oz.”

  He kisses my cheek and I quickly lose sight of him in the crowd. I look back at the house again. Arms around my waist and Pigpen has me in the air. The entire world moves and I take a deep breath, trusting Eli and the club with protecting what I love.

  Emily

  I SIT ON the window seat in my room and read the text sent from my father:

  I’m flying to Kentucky tomorrow. We miss you and it’s time to come home.

  Home. I miss home. I won’t say that I don’t. I miss air-conditioning and my mother’s laugh. I miss the easiness of conversation with my father and how Mom checks on me at night before she turns in herself. I miss uncomplicated and I miss Trisha and I miss the quiet flow of the world several hundred miles south of here.

  But there’s an emptiness at the thought of returning. Olivia is dying. I’m in love with Oz. Eli is a man who taught me how to drive. He’s also a man who has seventeen stars tattooed on his arm for me. I came here one person and I’m leaving here changed.

  Changed.

  It’s extremely disorienting. I came here Emily Catherine and I’m leaving here Emily Star and I don’t know how to reconcile the two worlds.

  Me: I want to stay. For a little bit longer. There are pieces I still need to figure out.

  My finger hovers over Send. Things that I need to figure out, like how Oz and I will maintain a long-distance relationship. Like if there’s a chance that Olivia will live. Like why Eli gave me up. Like why my mother ran from a place that is so freaking weird and complicated and just as strangely fantastic.

  I need to know why, but how do I explain that to Dad? How do I explain it without hurting his feelings?

  “You look like someone ran over your puppy.” Violet walks into my room and my heart jumps with the adrenaline rush.

  “I thought no one was allowed in the house.” Except Olivia, but she’s somewhere in the massive crowd celebrating with Oz. From the silence of the crowd that surrounded the bonfire and then the rally of cheers, I assume that Oz patched in.

  My foot kicks at the floor. I didn’t see Oz patch in. Violet is right. It’s a boys’ club and the rules are not in my favor.

  Violet regards the foot I toddler-reacted with then settles onto the window seat beside me. “I came in through the back.”

  “Eli said they locked it.”

  She shrugs and then with a twitch of her hand produces a key. I grab it from her. “That was supercool. You never told me you can do magic.”

  “I can’t,” she says. “But Chevy can. He taught me a few things, but that’s the only trick I can get somewhat right. He has a knack for sleight of hand.”

  We had dinner together: me, Chevy, Oz, Violet, Razor and Stone. Oz and Razor carried the conversation by telling us stories of how they learned to ride a motorcycle. Both Violet and Chevy stared at their plates like someone had stolen a portion of their soul then set it on fire.

  Chevy departed a while ago with a girl with bad blue hair. Violet left shortly afterward.

  “Can I ask you something?” she says.

  “You can ask me anything.”

  Violet plays with the ends of her hair as if she’s searching for split ends. “Will you take me with you when you leave?”

  I laugh and then it morphs into an awkward fading giggle as I realize she’s serious.

  “I have some money saved so I can buy a plane ticket for me and Brandon, and I guess I forgot to mention that we’re taking Brandon with us, but I researched it online and I have enough to pay for the tickets. You said you have a spare bedroom and Brandon and I can totally take that. We already share a room now and I can guarantee the room in your house will be bigger. We don’t eat much. Actually Brandon does, but I don’t and I’ll get a job so then I’ll be able to cover the cost of food and...”

  She’s continuing in a ramble. In a way Violet has never done before. She’s always so sure and so confident and she’s never avoided eye contact in the entire time I’ve known her.

  My mouth is hanging open and finally I discover my voice. “Why?”

  Violet blinks. “Why what?”

  “Why would you want to leave here?”

  “Are you serious? Do you not see what’s going on outside? How they’re acting? How they’re behaving? Those people are constantly inserting themselves into my business and I am over it. I can’t get anyone at school or in town to take me seriously because my father was a part of the Reign of Terror. He’s not even here anymore and I still can’t get them out of my life!”

  From my cracked-open window, the sound of men’s laughter drifts in and so do the sh
outs, the occasional curse, the rumble of motorcycles coming and going and the loud, angry music.

  Two months ago, all of this would have terrified me, but now I look out and see Pigpen laughing with a bunch of guys. I see Olivia with Cyrus near the bonfire. I know that Eli and Oz are somewhere inside the clubhouse.

  “Is it that bad here?” I point then relax my toes. “I mean, yeah, they’re sort of crazy, but they seem to care for one another.”

  “Oh my God!” Violet shrieks. “Are you for real? There’s a reason why you’re locked in here and the rest of them are out there. It’s easy to love them if you can ignore the truth and you’re doing exactly what they want. You’re ignoring what’s in front of you. Well, I refuse to live this way. I need to leave. I need to get out of here!”

  “What about your mom?” I ask.

  “What about your mom?” Violet spits. “Call her. Ask her if I can come.”

  She rolls her shoulders as if she’s on the verge of bursting out of her skin and then grabs my hands. “Please. Please do this. Please call her and ask your mom to let me live with you. Tell her that I’m Christy’s girl. Tell her that she owes us. My mother risked a lot for her once and your mom promised her she’d do anything to help her in the future because of it. Tell her that I’m taking her up on the offer. Your mom understands you can’t go back on a promise. Just for the year. Then I’ll get a job when I graduate and move out and I’ll be able to take care of Brandon, but I have to get out of here.”

  Violet’s eyes are wild, crazy, just as insane as she’s acting right now. Her nails dig into my hands and I’m pulling to get free. “Listen, calm down. You’re not making any sense. Why would my mom owe your mom? You need to calm down!”

  I yank my hands away and Violet flies to her feet. “Call her!”

  Freaking terrified, I also stand and attempt to figure out how I can maneuver past her for the door. “I don’t know what your mom did for my mom, but I can’t imagine that it’s big enough for her to harbor you after you run away.”