Deep Surrendering: Episode Seven

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Now I had my own secret. It banged around in my chest like a trapped bird, clawing and tearing at me to get free.

  “How I wish your father were here so I could tell him what I really think of him. How could he do this to you?” This went beyond sick. Beyond some sort of strange resentment toward Fin. His father was evil.

  “He couldn’t have done it to me if I didn’t let him, so what does that make me?” I loved him so much, but if I told him I did, he wouldn’t believe me.

  “It makes you human. And vulnerable. I know you don’t like to be vulnerable, but you were in that moment, and your father took it and spun it into something else and he’s been using it against you your entire life. You’re his prisoner.”

  This time Fin was speechless. Hopefully because I was right.

  “I didn’t want this. I never wanted this,” he muttered. “This was why I stayed away.”

  “Well, you didn’t. And now we’re in this together. Because I’m not leaving you. No matter what.” It wasn’t a declaration of love, but it was close.

  “I’m so sorry you got dragged into this. It’s my fault. I never should have flirted with you.” Regrets did no good at this point.

  “But you did, and I flirted back, and we started this thing. Together. Yes, you had secrets, but I knew you did and I was willing to overlook them. It takes two people to be in a relationship.”

  He started to protest, but I put my hand up.

  “No, let me get this out. I’m glad you told me. Because now that secret isn’t standing in our way anymore, and we can move past it. Together. I still want you. All of you.” I was so close to saying what I wanted to say, but I wasn’t going to. Not yet.

  “How? How can we move past it?”

  I stood up and walked toward him and took his hands in mine. “I don’t know, but I do know that I’m going to help you. I can’t do this for you, but I can help. And I can be there to support you. When that boy died, you needed someone to support you. I wish I could have been there to tell you it wasn’t your fault. But I’m here now and you’re going to get past this. You’re not a prisoner anymore. You’re going to set yourself free.” I wanted to set him free in the worst way, but I couldn’t. He had to do it on his own. The hard work would be his, but at least I could be there to hold his hand. Because I loved him.

  “You would do that for me?” He squeezed my hands, his voice so quiet and soft.

  “Yes. I would.” And in that process of freeing himself, I wanted him to learn how to love himself. But I didn’t tell him that part. I knew he wouldn’t believe that he could.

  I leaned down and kissed his knuckles. “I’d do anything for you.”

  Fin and I sat on my couch for a long time, neither of us talking about anything, sitting with our separate thoughts. I almost wished I could crawl into his brain and see what he was thinking about. It probably wasn’t anything good.

  I finally broke the silence. “Have you ever thought about seeing someone? Like a professional?”

  He stiffened against me.

  “That would require me to actually tell someone what happened and I’m not going to do that.” Unconsciously, he clenched his fists. I should have assumed that would be his reaction.

  “You told me,” I said.

  He reached out and stroked my cheek. “You’re different. You’re . . . you.” Well, that certainly explained everything.

  “I can’t be your therapist, Fin. I want to be, but I can’t. I’ll help you in any way I can, but you have to do the work, too.” It killed me to say those words. I wanted to do this for him. So much.

  He shook his head and looked down at his hands, clenching and unclenching his fists.

  “I didn’t want to do this. I had a whole plan, you know. I was going to attack you and take you to my bedroom and show you how much I missed you. For at least two days straight. I was going to have food delivered periodically, but I wasn’t going to let you leave.” He looked up at me and his eyes changed again. If I let him, he’d completely derail everything we’d just been through and try to distract me with sex.

  As much as it pained me to say no to him, I was going to have to.

  “Fin,” I said, a warning tone in my voice. “You’re not going to distract me from talking by propositioning me. This,” I gestured to my body, “is off-limits for the time being.”

  His eyes narrowed slowly. “You’re going to deny me?”

  Hey, it sucked as much for me as it did for him. But we couldn’t move forward if we just jumped into bed together. We couldn’t work through this with sex. It would only put things on a shelf for a while, but they’d still be there when we got out of bed.

  “Yes. For right now. We need to talk and figure out what our next step is.” God, this was going to suck. So, so much.

  “Can I register my hatred of this plan? I just flew hours to see you, to touch you, and now you’re going to shut the door in my face?” He was getting mad, but that wasn’t going to change my mind.

  I crossed my arms. “You know I’m right. You may not want to admit it, but you know I am.”

  “You know you want me, Marisol. I don’t think you can say no to me.” It wasn’t going to be easy, but I’d made up my mind.

  “Don’t you miss me?” He was really turning it on. He reached toward me, barely brushing the skin on my arm and making goosebumps erupt. This wasn’t fair. I was trying to help him and he didn’t want me to.

  I was starting to see a pattern. With me at his mercy in the bedroom, he didn’t have to think or talk about anything he didn’t want to. It was his safe place, where he made the rules and could change anything he wanted. A fantasy.

  But this was life, and he had to face it.

  “Fin, stop,” I said, but he didn’t. He just leaned closer.

  “I miss you so much,” he whispered, invading my space. I didn’t move back, but I tried not to move closer to him.

  “Fin,” I said, my voice sharp. I’d never used our designated safeword, and I never wanted to be in a position to, but this had to end somewhere, and I didn’t think he knew how to stop. “I said no.” He growled at me and my body started to respond to him, but I let my head take the lead.

  “Don’t make me say it. Don’t make me use the safeword.” At the mention of the safeword, he pulled back and looked deep in my eyes.

  “You wouldn’t,” he said, trying to call my bluff. But I wasn’t bluffing.

  “I would. Please don’t make me.”

  His lips narrowed and formed a line as he sat back. “Fine. If that’s the way you want it.”

  No, it wasn’t, really. I wanted us to be a normal couple with a little kink in the bedroom. I wanted him to know he was strong enough to face his past.

  “You know I want you. Don’t dare assume that I’m doing this to hurt you. I’m doing this because . . . because . . .” Oh no, I was going to say it. I didn’t think I could stop. I thought I’d be able to save it, but the words wanted out.

  “Because why, Marisol?” His words were another challenge. Would I show my cards?

  “Because I love you!” If I was gonna say it, I was going to yell it. So I did.

  There it was. I couldn’t take it back. I couldn’t blame it on being drunk. The truth. Out loud for the first time.

  I thought he was going to say something right away. Tell me I didn’t know what I was talking about. That I couldn’t love him. But Fin seemed to be struck speechless.

  “I love you,” I said again, more quietly this time. “I’ve been feeling it for a while, but I guess I didn’t realize it until today.” I closed my mouth so I wouldn’t babble to fill the silence.

  I didn’t expect him to say it back, but I expected him to say something. But he just sat there, staring down at his hands.

  “I know that might not be what you wanted to hear, but I had to say it. Now I just want you to believe that you can be loved, Fin.” Because that was ultimately what would keep us apart. Not his past. Not his father. Fin didn’
t believe that anyone could love him.

  But I did.

  He slowly shook his head back and forth. “How can you love me?” he said, so quiet I almost didn’t hear him, but I saw his lips move.

  “For a lot of reasons, Fin. You’re a good man, even though you don’t think you are. You can’t hide it. Despite all that you’ve been through, you can still laugh and be funny and find joy in life. Yes, you have darkness in you too, but you don’t hide from it. You embrace that part of you and you introduced it to me. I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love that you make me laugh and turn me on. I love that you are a total control freak, but you’re not an asshole. There are these two sides of you, and I love them both. We all have light and dark in us. Mine just happens to be in love with yours.”

  I didn’t think about my words, I just let them come. Let them fly free. No matter what happened now, at least I told him. If he walked away after I laid everything out, at least I tried. I couldn’t make him want to be with me if he didn’t.

  “So that’s what I have to say.”

  He coughed and took a shaky breath. Please say something.

  “I never thought,” he said, and then paused, starting over. “I didn’t want . . . you . . .” My words had come so easily, but his were scattered, thoughts unfinished.

  “I always told myself that love was for certain people. Good people. People not like me. I knew I’d never have it, and I was fine with that. I got what I needed and it worked for me. And then you had to come along and ruin all my plans.” He smiled for a moment, but it vanished quickly.

  “I was intrigued by you, interested in you, attracted to you. I thought we’d have a brief flirtation. Something new and exciting. It would be bright and hot and would burn itself out. And then it didn’t. My feelings for you just burned hotter. But I couldn’t reconcile how I felt with my past and what I’d done. Or with the fact that . . . I don’t think I can love you the way you need me to.”

  My heart leapt at his words, and then he brought me crashing down. He couldn’t love me the way I needed him to?

  “Yes, you can. You just don’t think you can,” I said.

  “But it’s the same thing, isn’t it?”

  I reached out and grabbed his hands, squeezing them as hard as I could. “No. I know you have this in you, Fin. I would give anything for you to see it.”

  He squeezed my hands back. “You can’t fix me, Marisol.” The sorrow and hopelessness in his voice made me want to cry, but I wouldn’t allow myself.

  “I know because I don’t need to. You’re not broken, Fin. You just need to figure that out.”

  “How?”

  I kissed the back of his hands. “That’s up to you. But I’ll help in any way I can.”

  It wasn’t going to be easy, but I had all the faith in the world that he could get through this and come out on the other side. And I’d be waiting to meet him.

  We sat together until it got dark outside my apartment and my stomach started to growl.

  Letting go of me, Fin got up and went to my kitchen, pulling down a few things. He hadn’t spoken in a while and I’d kept quiet. He had a lot of things to think about.

  I sat on the couch and watched as Fin put together a quick meal of pasta and sauce with a quick salad of veggies I had hanging out in my fridge. He brought the plates over and we ate on the couch.

  Finally, the silence was too much. “What are you thinking about?” I asked.

  Fin wiped his mouth with one of my cheap paper napkins. “A lot of things, Marisol. Too many.”

  “Do you want to stay tonight? You can if you want.”

  He sighed and shook his head. “I need to be alone for a little while. And I really need to get back.” Back to his job. God, I hoped going back wouldn’t undo everything that we’d just been through.

  “I understand.” He was probably exhausted. I knew I was.

  “I really don’t know what to say anymore. What to do,” he said, putting down his empty plate.

  “I know how you feel. I’ve been making things up as I go along since that night at the bar. You make me question everything I thought I knew. But I think that’s a good thing.”

  He took his plate to the kitchen and I joined him with mine.

  “I have class tomorrow morning and then in the afternoon, but if you need anything, I want you to call me. I don’t care if I have to fake a heart attack to get out of class. You’re not alone, Fin.” He had his back to me, but I put my arms around him, hoping to hug him hard enough to make him believe that I loved him.

  “I’ve always been alone. I always thought I’d be alone.”

  “I know. But you’re not anymore.”

  He touched my hands, linked together across his chest. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.” I let go and he started to wash out his dishes.

  “I’ll do that,” I said, trying to push him aside.

  “No, I’ve got it. You’ve done . . . everything for me. I’ve taken you for granted, but I’m not going to do it anymore.” Turning, he took my face in his hands. “You are an extraordinary creature, Marisol. Sometimes I don’t believe you’re real.”

  “I am. And I’m yours. If you want me.”

  “I always want you.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, but backed away. “I need to go.”

  I nodded, and he kissed my forehead before heading out the door.

  The silence that filled the room when he left made me want to cry. So I did.

  I half expected to hear from Fin that night. I barely slept, waiting for him to knock at my door or call me. He needed some space, but it was hard to give it to him. I slept with my phone right next to me, just in case.

  When it was finally time to get up and get ready, I had to down two cups of coffee to even get myself dressed. I was going to need a lot more to get through the day and be awake for Fin tonight.

  A thought hit me so hard I nearly fell over.

  What if he left without telling me? Just went back? What if I never saw him again? I shouldn’t have let him leave last night.

  I looked at the clock and saw that I had enough time to head to his place and see if he was there before I went to class.

  I rushed out the door as fast as I could and hailed a cab. Fortunately, he was a fast driver, and I was at Fin’s in half the time it normally took me.

  Waving to the front desk, I headed for the elevator, cursing the fact that he lived in the penthouse and not on the first floor.

  “Come on, come on.” Why must the elevator be so slow? Finally the doors opened and I hopped in, slamming the button for Fin’s floor. A man got in with me and hit the button for the floor below Fin’s. Of course. I resisted the urge to punch him in the face.

  I tapped my foot impatiently, trying to ignore the man as he whistled. Seriously. Shut up.

  Finally the stupid elevator dropped him off and I followed him, heading for the stairs to get to Fin’s floor quicker.

  I knocked at his door, praying softly under my breath that he’d answer. Finally, the door opened and there he was, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, his hair stuck up in the back.

  “You’re here,” I said, statting the obvious. It was déjà vu from yesterday when he showed up unexpectedly. Had it only been that long?

  “I’m here,” he said. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, realizing how silly I was being. In hindsight, I could have just called. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I had this fear that you left and went back to Germany after we talked last night, so I had to come and see if you were still here. But you are. And now I have to get to class.” I felt like an absolute idiot. I was going to blame it on a lack of sleep. Yes, that’s what I was going to do.

  But Fin smiled and held the door open for me. “Do you have a few minutes?”

  I nodded and walked in. He handed me a cup of coffee, and I knew without even having to sip it that it had French vanilla creamer in it.

  “Thank you,” I said, taki
ng a drink. I was going to be wired as hell later. Oh well. Better that than half asleep.

  “You thought I’d leave again?” he said, running his hands through his hair. I was glad to see he’d gotten some sleep. At least one of us had.

  “Well, you do have a track record. And most of the time I can’t believe you’re real at all, so I keep expecting you to vanish or be a figment of my wild imagination.” If my imagination could dream him up. Probably not.

  “If anyone is a figment, it’s you,” he said with a yawn.

  We could argue about that until the cows came home, but it wasn’t going to get us anywhere.

  I downed the rest of my coffee.

  “I’ll be here when you get out of class, Marisol. I wouldn’t leave without saying anything.”

  “Okay,” I said, wishing I could just say “fuck it” and skip class. Why had I thought another year of grad school was a good idea?

  He was about to say something else, but my phone rang. It was my parents. Shit, I’d completely forgotten to go over and get the check. Fin showing up had thrown everything off.

  I braced myself before I answered. “Hi,” I said, hoping it was my dad. My hopes were dashed.

  “Marisol, there you are. I thought you were coming over to get the check, but it’s still here. Did you forget?” She’d acted like she couldn’t be bothered with it the other day and now she’d changed her tune.

  “Yeah, I’m so sorry. Something came up.” Fin gave me a look and I smiled back.

  “Well, I was hoping nothing happened. You should have called and said you couldn’t come.” I really needed to get to class and this was cutting into my time with Fin.

  “I’ll come by today, if I can. I have to get to class or I’m going to be late.”

  She sighed. “Honestly, Marisol. I don’t have time for this either. Your father and I live very busy lives.” I wasn’t going to respond to that. I didn’t want to get wrapped up in a fight.

  “Okay. I’ll be by today.” Then I hung up.