Deep Surrendering: Episode Seven

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “Sorry,” I said to Fin. If I didn’t leave right now, I was going to be late. “My mom. I have to go to my parents’ house and pick something up. I guess I’ll have to forgo lunch and get that done.” It would give me another chance to maybe see how my mom was doing. This was such a hard situation. It was difficult for me to be around her, but something was going on. I did love her, even if I didn’t like her very much. She was my mother.

  “I’ll have Carl take you,” Fin said, typing on his phone. “He’s right outside.” Bless Carl. I honestly loved that man.

  “Thank you. That’s a huge help. I should have asked if you’re okay. Are you okay?” I put my hand on his arm; I wanted to fall into him and never leave.

  “I’m . . . I don’t know. But I’ll let you know. You should go so you’re not late.” He was right, so I squeezed his arm one more time and left.

  I’d have to figure out where we stood later.

  Once again, I had a lot on my mind during class and didn’t absorb much information. This was getting to be a problem.

  Carl was waiting for me when I got out of my morning classes, but someone else was with him.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked as Fin beat Carl to the door and opened it for me.

  “I’m coming with you. And I brought lunch,” he said, pointing to the paper bags in the backseat. He seemed . . . more settled than last night. Less frantic. Like he had some sleep at last.

  “Thank you so much,” I said, sliding into the car. “You didn’t have to do that. And don’t even think for a second that I’m letting you into my parents’ house. Especially if they’re actually there.” That would open me up to all kinds of crazy that I definitely didn’t want to deal with.

  “Why not?” he asked, totally back to his bright and flirty self. How could he just shift? I definitely couldn’t change my personality like that.

  “Because I don’t need my mother asking questions about you and making assumptions, and generally making my life miserable, okay? I’m dealing with enough already.” I didn’t mean to snap at him, but my lack of sleep didn’t help with my filter. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be like that, but you don’t know my mother.” He nodded and handed me one of the bags.

  “I understand. But I would like to meet your parents someday.” I didn’t know if that was going to happen. I didn’t even know if we were really together. This was singlehandedly the most confusing relationship I’d ever been in. I was just waiting for the day when I’d know what the hell was going on with us.

  “We’ll see,” I said. I still hadn’t told Fin about my mother’s issues and my suspicions. I knew it was wrong to hide or keep secrets from him when he’d finally been so open and honest with me. I didn’t even really know why I was trying to hide it from him in the first place.

  I gave Carl directions, and Fin and I ate our lunches (which turned out to be grilled sandwiches and fries) as we rode. I wasn’t sure how much to say in front of Carl, so I didn’t ask Fin how he was doing.

  “So, um, how long are you planning to be in Boston?” My eyes flicked to Carl, but he just kept humming to himself.

  “I don’t know. It’s still up in the air.” I wasn’t sure if I liked the sound of that. His father must be going absolutely ballistic by now. I didn’t know how far he’d go to get his son back under his control. Would he send someone to physically bring Fin back? That would be kidnapping, but who knows? He was a man with unlimited resources at his disposal. Who knows what he’s capable of?

  “Okay,” I said, and went back to my sandwich.

  “I’m figuring some things out right now. A lot of things.”

  “I know.” And we were silent again.

  My stomach dropped when we pulled into my parents’ driveway. I really wished Fin wasn’t with me. The cars were all here, so my parents were definitely home. This was trés inconvenient.

  “I’ll be right back,” I said, wiping my mouth and hoping I didn’t have anything stuck in my teeth. There really wasn’t a whole lot of time for this, so I’d have to be in and out if I was going to make it back before my next class. He nodded and sat back in his seat as Carl opened the door for me.

  “What are you doing out here?” I turned slowly, hoping it was something from my imagination and not my mother’s voice I was hearing.

  Nope, there she was, standing in the doorway and staring right at Fin in the car, and then me, and then Carl and then back at Fin.

  “I’m just here to get the check. I have to run, Mom.” I dashed up the steps and tried to shut the door, but she wouldn’t let me.

  “That’s Fin Herald, isn’t it? He looks just like his father,” she said, and her voice took on a soft, almost dreamy quality. I tried to ignore it because I really didn’t want to know.

  “Do you have the check for me?” I asked, trying to block her view of Fin.

  But she wasn’t paying attention to me, and then my dad joined her.

  “What are you doing with the door open? You’re letting in the heat,” he said, and then he saw me and then the car.

  “What’s going on?” He was as confused as I was.

  “Fin gave me a ride, and I just came to get the check for the charity dinner and then I have to get back. I have class.” I almost wanted to snap my fingers in front of their faces because neither of them were hearing a word I was saying. My mother was staring at Fin like . . . well . . . and Dad was looking at him with a mixture of distaste and veiled curiosity.

  There was no getting away until he’d at least said hello. Not unless I ran back to the car, jumped in and told Carl to step on it. I nodded to Fin and he got out of the car and walked toward us.

  Guess I couldn’t avoid the introduction any longer.

  “I’m sorry to barge in like this, but I’ve been wanting to meet you for a while. I’m Fintan Herald,” he said, extending his hand to my father first.

  “Fintan,” Dad said as he shook Fin’s hand. “And your father would be Laurent Herald?”

  “Yes,” Fin said, his voice clipped before he turned to my mother and gave her a little bow.

  “Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Everly. I’ve heard so many lovely things about you from your daughter.” What bullshit. He was laying it on real thick.

  Mom just kept staring at him, and then she regained her senses.

  “Oh, well. It’s nice to finally meet you as well.”

  “Do you have a few minutes? We should go inside where it’s cooler,” Dad said, pushing Mom and I forward into the house. Stepping inside was like walking into a refrigerator. It didn’t generally get too hot here, but my mother had this obsession with air conditioning.

  “Um, I really need to get back,” I protested, but the words fell on deaf ears. My mother took Fin’s arm and started leading him into the den saying, “Can I get you anything?”

  “We should really get going,” he said, but that didn’t stop my mother.

  “Nonsense, you can spare a moment,” she said, glaring at me.

  I tried to protest, but that might just make it worse. We would go in, sit down, exchange a few words and be on our way.

  After reiterating, again, that I needed to get going, I sat down next to Fin as my mother hurried around and tried to fix everyone drinks even though we’d all said we didn’t want anything.

  “You have a lovely home,” Fin said, looking around. He was probably used to houses like this. Sometimes it felt like we were worlds apart, but times like these reminded me that our upbringings (at least in terms of money) had been quite similar.

  “Camille, come sit down,” my dad said. She was muttering to herself and just sort of wandering around. My parents were the type of people who kept a table with glass bottles full of alcohol on it, in case anyone who stopped by wanted a drink.

  She looked at my father as if he’d said something in a foreign language. This could not be getting any worse.

  Then she looked at Fin, and the glass she was holding slipped out of her hand and shattered on the floo
r.

  “Oh, sweetheart,” Dad said, rushing to help her. His tone was resigned, as if this happened a lot. What was going on with her?

  I shot Fin a look and he sent me one back, a question in his eyes. I got up to help my father, but he pushed me away.

  “I’ve got this. I think you should go,” he whispered so only I could hear.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to upset her.” My mother was staring at the broken glass as if she was in a trance.

  “It’s okay, Marisol. Just take the check and go. We’re fine here.” No, they definitely weren’t fine. I would be calling tonight to check on the both of them. But for now, I needed to go and take Fin with me.

  I went back over to him and said loudly, “Well, I really need to get back. I’m going to be very late.” Fin stood and took my hand.

  “It was nice to meet you both,” Fin said as my dad pulled my mother upright. He looked tired and she still looked confused and far away.

  “Come back anytime,” my dad said, but he didn’t mean it.

  “Bye, Dad. Bye, Mom.” At the sound of my voice, she stirred a little, but I dragged Fin out with me as quickly as I could.

  I didn't remember about the check until we’d already started driving.

  “There was a reason I didn’t want you to come in with me, and it wasn’t just because it would be awkward to have you meet my parents. Something is going on with my mom.” My voice trembled, and I really wanted to cry. Fin still had my hand in his as Carl sped back toward the city as fast as he could.

  “I’m so sorry, Marisol. I didn’t know.” He wasn’t blaming me, just stating a fact.

  “I know. It’s my fault. I just . . . you have so much to deal with when it comes to your family, and I didn’t want to seem like I was being whiny.” Saying it out loud made it sound childish. I should have told him. He confided in me all the time, and it was only fair to do that to him.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, and he squeezed my hand so hard it hurt.

  “You can tell me anything, Marisol. Anything. Do you understand me?” Now he was angry, but I wasn’t sure if he was angry specifically at me. I peeked at Carl out of the corner of my eye. I wished he wasn’t here to witness this.

  “You’ve done so much for me, more than you know. I want you to feel like you can depend on me. That you can count on me for support anytime you need it. No matter what,” he said, and he stared deep into my eyes, not letting go of my hand.

  “I do depend on you, Fin. I do rely on you.” More than he knew. “I just didn’t . . . I didn’t want to say it out loud because that would mean that there was something wrong. I know I’m not very fond of my mother, but she’s still my mother and I love her. And I feel awful for fighting with her all the time.”

  Fin shook his head and put a finger to my lips. “Stop that. You’re blaming yourself.” It was almost ironic for him to be giving me advice about blaming myself for things when he did exactly that.

  “Well hello, Mr. Pot. I’m Miss Kettle. Pleased to meet you,” I said. His eyes narrowed, and for a second I thought he was going to pounce on me, and my mouth went dry at the prospect. I still couldn’t get that moment in the alley out of my mind.

  Half of me wanted to tell Carl to take us right back to my apartment so I could rip Fin’s clothes off of him and have him tie me up and do a bunch of wonderful, naughty things to me so I could forget about everything else.

  That was the thing about having sex with someone like Fin. It was a fantasy—a total escape. When I was with him, he filled my mind and pushed everything else out. It was freedom and control all at once.

  “Marisol,” he said, his voice practically in a growl. “We’re not talking about me. Don’t you dare compare yourself to me.” Whoa, another sore spot.

  “Well, don’t be ridiculous then.” We glared at each other and then he sighed.

  “I don’t want to fight about this. I’m sorry. I should have been more supportive and then you might have trusted me more. Do you know what’s wrong with her?”

  I shook my head, wanting to cry again. My emotions were all over the place lately. I was pulled in so many directions.

  “No. She’s been having issues with her memory, but what just happened I haven’t seen before. Obviously something is wrong with her mind, but I have no idea what it is or how serious it could be. I’m scared, Fin.” The last part I didn’t want to admit, but it happened anyway.

  “I know. It must be scary. Is there anything I can do?” He let go of his death grip on my hand and started stroking my palm. Much better.

  “I don’t think so. I don’t even know what’s wrong. Dad won’t tell me. I think he wants to try and handle it himself. Maybe because he thinks I can’t deal with it, or that I don’t want to.” Neither of those things was true. There was a world of difference between not wanting to fight with my mother on the phone and not wanting to help her if she was sick.

  “I’m sure if you just call him and explain, he’ll understand,” Fin said. He had a lot of faith in my dad. I knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. I was probably going to have to fight my way back into that house. For the first time, maybe ever, I wished I lived closer.

  Well. That’s something I never thought I would say.

  “It will turn out fine. I know it.” Fin kissed my hands and pulled me in for a tight hug. “I will do anything for you, Marisol. Anything.” I felt the truth in his words. I’d said nearly the same thing to him just a few hours ago.

  “That’s good to know, Fin,” I said, unable to hold back the tears that dripped down my cheeks. I wiped them quickly so he wouldn’t see.

  “Things will work out for you,” he said. I just nodded as we drove back toward the city.

  I wanted to believe him.

  I had no idea what Fin did while I was in class, but when he picked me up, he seemed calm. Collected. Back to his controlled self. He’d also changed clothes.

  “Well hello there, Mr. Herald,” I said as he held the door for me and took my breath away. I forgot what my name was for a moment as he smiled.

  “How was class?” he asked as he got in after me.

  “Good. What did you do with yourself?”

  “This and that,” he said. I wanted to roll my eyes at him. Fine, don’t tell me. “Sorry, it was nothing of consequence. I’m working on some things that might be very good in the near future. Just . . . trust me.” There was complete honesty in his words. He wasn’t saying he would never tell me, he was just saying not right now. I could deal with that.

  “Would you like to have dinner?” he asked. I was absolutely starving, but I didn’t feel like eating out.

  “Can we go to your place?” I said. “I just want to lay in bed and be lazy with you.”

  He pulled me under his arm. “That sounds perfect.”

  I still didn’t know where we stood, or when he was going back, but I was just going to enjoy the time I had with him. Something told me to treasure it, and I listened to my intuition.

  Fin asked me what I wanted and I said I didn’t care. He could order whatever. That made him smile, the control freak.

  I headed to the bathroom and took a long shower, but he didn’t join me like I thought he might.

  I walked out in just my towel to find him laying in bed reading.

  “Hi,” I said, twisting my wet hair over one shoulder.

  “Food should be here in a few,” he said, his eyes skimming my body and then going back to the book. Oh, was this how it was going to be now?

  “Fin?” I asked, and he looked back up at me. I probably shouldn’t be doing this in just a towel, but I had to do it while I had the courage.

  “Yes, Marisol.” He set the book down and gave me his full attention.

  “What are we doing? With us? I know last night was . . . a lot, but I just need to know if you still want to be with me. Like we were, or maybe something more. I don’t know. I just feel like I never know where we stand. I’m being demanding, forget it.”
I shook my head and went to get some clothes. Nearly half my wardrobe was here now. I might as well move in.

  Fin was silent for a long time and then there was a knock at the door. Had to be the food. Neither of us moved to get it.

  “The honest answer to that question is . . . I don’t know. I don’t even know what’s going to happen to me tomorrow. I want to be with you, if that’s what you’re asking. I want to be with you more than anything in this world. But I don’t know how right now. I don’t even know how to be me.” I didn’t know what he was going through, but I could imagine.

  “I just needed to hear that you still want to be with me. As long as I have that, I think I’m going to be okay,” I said. It was only a little lie. I just needed him to get his shit together and then we could move on. Together. I had to believe that somehow this would work out between us. I wasn’t giving up. Not by a long shot.

  He smiled at me and went to get the food.

  “Good. That’s all I needed to hear,” he said, stopping to kiss me on the forehead. It was a very sweet, chaste kiss—the kind you’d give your sister.

  Fin and I had gone from hot and heavy to sweet and cute. I definitely didn’t want cute right now. I was still pent up from him being gone for weeks, but I had to stick to my boundaries.

  I was the one who told him I wouldn’t be with him physically until he confided in me. What a filthy hypocrite I was.

  I shook my head at myself and got dressed. Fin came back with the food, and we sat down and started eating.

  “Movie?” Fin asked. I nodded. I needed something else to focus on while he was lying in bed next to me. When did I turn into such a horndog? Jesus, control yourself, Marisol.

  “Sure. You pick.” He fiddled with the remote and then You’ve Got Mail started playing. More Tom Hanks. It made me grin at him, and he grinned back.

  “Thought you might like this one as well. You know, because your boyfriend Tom Hanks is in it.” I rolled my eyes at him. Tom Hanks had nothing on Fin Herald. The comparison wasn’t even close.