Hold Me Until Forever

by Christina Phillips

  I can’t do that. He was her brother in all but blood.

  “No.” She forced a nonchalant note into her voice and hoped it fooled him more than it did herself. “Been kind of busy at Gaia. And you know what a workaholic your brother is.” Okay, that was bad when she couldn’t even say his name.

  “He’s got a box full of stray kittens.”

  “He’s what?” She pulled a face. She must’ve misunderstood. Alex and kittens weren’t something she’d ever put in the same sentence.

  “Yeah. He’s acting real weird.”

  She scratched her nail over her pad of sticky notes. Alex with cats was weird enough. “How do you mean?” Do I really want to know?

  Yes, she did.

  “I don’t know. J said he’s been distracted at work, and then he forgot we were meeting up last night.”

  That definitely wasn’t like him. He had a memory like a computer. “Is he sick?” Don’t let him be sick.

  “Don’t think so.” Cooper paused. For some reason she found it ominous. “Could you go check on him after work? If there’s a problem, you’ll be able to get it out of him.”

  Her heart slammed against her ribs. Checking up on Alex was the last thing she wanted to do. It was also scarily hard to say no.

  “Well, I…” Her voice trailed away as she gazed through the window. It wasn’t the mountains she saw. It was the raw pain in Alex’s eyes the moment before he’d walked out on her.

  Who was she trying to fool? She desperately wanted to see him again and Cooper had just given her a green light.

  “Sure.” She knew she’d regret it. Seeing him again would only rub salt into the wound. But suppose he really was sick and needed to see a doctor? “I’ll go later today.”

  It was early afternoon by the time Alex finished his last minute Christmas shopping and got home. He’d never admit it, but he wanted to check on the kittens. Odd how he didn’t mind touching them now. Give it another day and he’d risk actually picking them up again. Why had he always been so freaked out by cats before?

  “Hey, rats.” He peered into the box. Two little bodies huddled against their mother. Where was the third one? He crouched down and gingerly lifted the corner of the old towel he’d used as bedding, in case it’d gotten lost under it or something.

  There was nothing there. How had he managed to lose a kitten?

  He raked his gaze around the room. There was no way it could’ve climbed out of the box. Christ, cats don’t eat their young, do they? He eyed the mom and she stared back at him, unblinking.

  There wasn’t any blood or clumps of fur in the box. Of course the damn mother hadn’t eaten the kitten.

  On hands and knees he crawled across the room, feeling like an idiot, but it wasn’t as though anyone could see him. He peered under the sofa and saw a tiny body.

  Unformed dread gripped his chest.

  I don’t want to see it.

  Ruthlessly he shoved the thought aside and gingerly scooped the kitten up.

  Its warm little body was motionless. His stomach churned. Fuck, no. And then its paw twitched, and relief rushed through him.

  “How did you get over here?” Still on his knees he made his way back to the box. “Nearly gave me a heart attack.” Jesus, now he was talking to cats like they’d answer him. He tucked it next to the mom. Guess he should give her a name…

  She picked the kitten up by the scruff of its neck and before his bemused gaze took it across the room and dropped it under the sofa again.

  What the hell?

  He rescued it again and this time wedged it between the other two kittens. It didn’t make any difference. The mom dropped it in exactly the same place.

  When he cradled the kitten in his palm, it gave a sad little mewl that tore right through his chest. What was he supposed to do now?

  Ella will know.

  Of course she’d know what to do. But he couldn’t just rock up to her work after the way he’d walked out on her. He was the last one she’d want to see.

  She’d want to see the kitten.

  He couldn’t ask for her help. He’d look it up online.

  The kitten shuddered. His chest got tighter. It was hard to breathe. What the hell was he going to look up? Rejected kitten? He could just imagine how many hits he’d have to wade through to find something he could use.

  Text her. Yeah, he could do that. Or he could take it to the local vet’s. Why hadn’t he thought of that right away?

  Because I want to see her.

  Indecision tore through him. Usually after identifying a problem and working out how to fix it, it was a simple matter of implementation. He didn’t dick around.

  This is Ella. And that’s why he was being a jerk.

  Screw his pride. There wasn’t anyone else he’d ask for help.

  By the time he reached Gaia an hour later, and had explained to the security guard why he was there, Alex had a hollow sensation in the pit of his stomach. I’m too late. The guard, after telling him Ella was about to leave work, took his time in putting a call through to her, and didn’t seem especially pleased when she confirmed she knew who he was. He tightened his grip on the shoe box where the kitten lay half buried in one of his old T-shirts, and followed the guard into the wildlife reserve’s building.

  The gift shop was shut, and the guard led him out the back into the open plan office area. The walls were covered in photos of animals in various stages of rehabilitation—and the office was deserted except for Ella. She stood by one of the desks, staring at him as though she couldn’t believe her eyes.

  “All right, Ella?” The guard hooked his thumbs into his pockets and gave him a suspicious look, as though he still didn’t believe the reason Alex had given for wanting to see her.

  “Yeah, sure. Thanks, Clay.”

  “I’ll be right outside.” The guard gave him another look before leaving the office.

  “Hi.” She sounded as though she wished he was a thousand miles away. “Clay said you had some kind of emergency?”

  “Yeah.” He cleared his throat. She wasn’t wearing her usual vibrant makeup but he didn’t care. She looked perfect with her gorgeous freckles and pale pink lips.

  Don’t think about her lips.

  With an effort he shoved the memories of how sweet she tasted to the back of his mind.

  “It’s this kitten.” His voice was gruff, and he was glaring but he couldn’t help it. She was going to think he was such a loser when he told her he hadn’t managed to—

  “Coop said you had cats.” She sounded as though that was the craziest thing she’d ever heard. “I, uh, was going to call in on my way home to see them.”

  His heart damn near punched through his chest. She’d planned on coming to see him? Maybe it was possible to salvage their friendship out of this fucking awful mess, after all. And then her meaning slammed through him.

  It wasn’t about him at all. It was because of the cats.

  Ruthlessly he forced his mask in place and risked giving the kitten another glance. Poor little guy. Could he have saved it if he’d been home?

  Maybe not. It was time he faced the fact he couldn’t control everything, no matter how hard he tried.

  “So, uh, do you want me to take a look?” Ella raised her eyebrows and made to take the box from him. For some crazy reason he couldn’t let go. What was the point anyway?

  He was too late.

  “The mother kept hiding it under the sofa.” He glowered into the box, and didn’t stop her when this time she reached inside and picked up the tiny body. It was hard to push the words past the blockage in his throat. “I didn’t know what to do.”

  She made a soothing sound, and for the life of him he couldn’t figure out whether she directed it at him or the kitten. “That’s okay. It happens. Does she have any other kittens? Is she feeding them all right?”

  Why’s she stroking its head like that? It wasn’t as though it could feel anything. He gripped the box tighter and tried to focus on her q
uestion. “She’s got two others. Seems fine with them.”

  “That’s good.”

  She ran her finger along its spine. The gray tabby wasn’t much bigger than her palm. A rushing noise filled his head, and from the depths of his memory the image of another lifeless kitten flooded his mind.

  Fuck…

  “Alex? What’s the matter?”

  Her urgent voice dragged him back to the present, but he couldn’t shake the sense of horror engulfing him.

  “Nothing.” Their gazes locked. She didn’t believe him. Why would she, when he was acting like a jerk?

  For one brief second her lower lip trembled, and then she smiled. “Okay.”

  She wasn’t going to push it. He could lock this newly released memory away with all the others he kept buried deep inside his head. He didn’t want to think about it. Sure as hell didn’t want to talk about it. Not with anyone, but most of all not with Ella.

  Real men don’t cry. He let out a jagged breath. You’re not a fucking pussy like your brothers. His father’s voice hammered through his head, as clear as if the words had been flung at him only yesterday.

  That wasn’t something he could share. I told her I wanted to kill my own father. How could anything be worse than that?

  I only told her that because I was messed up. All that crazy shit needed to stay inside his head, the way he’d kept it hidden inside each time he’d gone to court ordered counseling. He’d told them all what they wanted to hear and nothing more.

  He couldn’t—wouldn’t—dump the shitty truth on her.

  Against his better judgment he caught her gaze. Her beautiful hazel eyes were guarded. Whatever ground he’d gained by being out of her life for the last three weeks he’d lost in a matter of seconds.

  I don’t want to lose you. Even though he already had.

  He wanted so much more than friendship. But friendship had to be better than nothing. If he pushed her away now, that was it. She’d never give him a third chance.

  Christ, I can’t do this. His heart hammered against his ribs, and his palms were sweaty. She won’t judge me. He was the only one doing the judging, and he was so damn tired…

  “Do you want to leave the kitten with me?”

  He sucked in a breath that razed his throat and burned his lungs. Now or never. As a Dom he demanded trust from his subs, but he never returned it in kind. That was his line in the sand, the boundary he never crossed.

  The truth was, deep in his scarred heart, he’d always trusted her. Now he needed to trust himself to open up and share those parts of his ugly life he never had before. “No.”

  She looked down at the little body in her hands. “I don’t mind taking him home. It’s no problem.”

  Why does she want to take it home? He didn’t want to think about it and cradled her hands in his. “My mom took in a stray cat when we were kids.”

  She looked up at him, shock evident in her eyes. “I don’t remember you ever having a cat.”

  “It was a brief thing.” His smile was bitter. “She was pregnant, and we looked after her for a few weeks. Coop was only three and he was crazy about that cat.”

  “What happened?” Her voice was hushed, but the way she tensed he knew she’d guessed. Or at least partly guessed.

  “She had four kittens. They seemed fine.” He’d loved those furry little things. How had he forgotten? “Even our dad didn’t mind them, so long as we kept them out of his way.”

  “So he didn’t— I mean…” She bit her lip. “Sorry.”

  “No need to be.” He tightened his hold on her. “But no, he didn’t hurt them.”

  She didn’t say anything. Didn’t press him for more details. Just stayed there waiting until he was ready. It was oddly comforting.

  “Two or three weeks later one of them just died. No reason. I can still hear J and Coop crying…” They weren’t the only ones. “My dad lost it. Hauled me into the yard.” Real men don’t cry. “I was seven years old. He made me throw that little body into a dumpster at the end of the street.”

  She shuddered and her lip wobbled. “That was cruel of him.”

  “My mom ended up taking the rest of them to the local shelter. He didn’t want them in the house anymore.”

  She swallowed and blinked a few times. “I’m glad you told me.”

  “Guess that’s why I’ve always backed off from small furry things.” Huh, and now he was psychoanalyzing himself. The court counselors would be proud.

  “I can show you how to hand feed this one if you like. But like I said, I don’t mind helping out at any time.”

  For a couple of seconds he just stared at her. “It’s not dead?”

  “No. It’s lucky you found him when you did and wrapped him up, though. There’s a reason why his mom rejected him. He probably wasn’t feeding properly. He wouldn’t have lasted long away from her warmth.”

  It wasn’t dead. Relief rolled through him and he let out a long breath. It made sense for her to take the kitten. She knew what she doing, but for some reason he wanted to prove to her that he could do it.

  He could look it up online. Or he could bury what was left of his pride and ask her. It wasn’t that hard, in the end. “Can you show me how to look after it—him?”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Half an hour later she lay the sleeping kitten back in the shoe box. They were in the kitchen, and she’d shown Alex how to make up the formula and feed the kitten with a syringe, and offered to loan him one of her heat pads for the box. It was kind of surreal and heartbreakingly adorable to see how focused he was on getting it right. Then again, this was Alex.

  How many years have I tried to get you to come to the sanctuary to help out? He’d always avoided going anywhere near Gaia. But when the life of a kitten had hung in the balance, this was the first place he’d thought of.

  I was the first thing he thought of. It wasn’t enough, though.

  “Thanks.” His smile shot to hell any delusion that she was getting over him. “Sorry for screwing up your Christmas Eve.”

  “That’s okay. I didn’t have anything exciting planned.”

  “No hot date?”

  A few months ago she would’ve lied through her teeth, making out she had a scorching sex life. But they’d gone past that now. She hadn’t dated since they’d split up and it didn’t matter if he knew that.

  “No. You?” Not that he dated. That wasn’t what she meant and he’d know that. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had sex with a dozen other women. As long he hadn’t been with Abigail. That would just be a nasty slap in the face.

  Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. It’d be a punch right through the heart if he admitted to sleeping with anyone over the last three weeks.

  “God, no.” He sounded as though that was the last thing that had been on his mind. A little burst of happiness streaked through her. “If there’s one thing we agree on it’s that I suck at dating.”

  Right. She found a couple of cups and poured them both a coffee from the machine. As of twenty minutes ago she was officially off duty, but no way was she going to walk away yet, even if this was killing her. He’d obviously moved right past any regret he might’ve had about their break up, and was now fine with them having a post-lover friendship.

  Can I bear to go back and be just your friend? Or would it eat away at her heart a little more each time they saw each other until there was nothing left inside her but a great, gaping hole?

  Maybe she would have to lie. Just a little. “I can think of worse things than hanging out with an old friend on Christmas Eve.” She even managed a smile and hoped he didn’t guess what she really meant. I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be than right here with you.

  He turned to face her. “Yeah.” He didn’t sound thrilled by it. His gaze roved over her. “I’ve hardly ever seen you without makeup since you were fourteen.”

  Her fake smile froze. “What?” He knew how long she’d been wearing her war paint to the very year?


  “Don’t get me wrong. You look just as good without it. It’s just I’m not used to it.”

  And now he was complimenting her as though he didn’t have a clue that’s what he was doing. Why couldn’t he tell her she looked like a witch? At least then she’d have something negative to cling onto. But so far everything he said only made her fall harder.

  She cleared her throat. “I’m keeping it for special occasions. I don’t need it every day now.”

  He frowned, clearly lost. “Okay.”

  He leaned against the industrialized steel work counter and drank his coffee. She chewed her nail. There was no reason to tell him anything more. It was obvious he didn’t expect it. He probably didn’t even want any more explanation.

  Except she knew how hard it’d been for him to share that memory of the kitten with her. She’d known him all her life and it’d never occurred to her his aversion to cats had anything to do with something that’d happened when he was a kid.

  His fucking father… It always came back to his father.

  Compared to everything he’d been through, her secret wasn’t that terrible. I still don’t know if I can talk about it though. But if he could tell her something he’d never shared with anyone else before, then so could she.

  “When I was fourteen one of my mom’s boyfriends kept hitting on me.”

  He swung round. “What the fuck?” He looked furious. “Did he hurt you?”

  She hadn’t expected such a violent reaction. Didn’t I really? She shoved the denial aside. “No.” That wasn’t the truth, though, was it? She took a deep breath. “Well, I guess he did in a way. After I cut my hair off, the kids at school thought I was fair game. Took me a while to figure out if I wore makeup I could hide behind it and not give a shit. Eventually they backed off, but I couldn’t step outside the front door without my mask in place for the next ten years.”

  The words rang in her ears. Have I really been living under that cloud for so long? It was a scary thought.

  “Did Cooper know about that piece of shit?”