Give Me Something I Can Feel

by B. Love

  “No. She moved to Atlanta for college and never came back. I don’t blame her because I wanted to do the same thing, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to,” she put the roll down and placed her hands on the sides of her plate.

  “I know it probably looks like I’m ungrateful and difficult for no reason. I know I probably look… because Knight is doing so much for me. He paid for you. Paying for all of my baby’s stuff. Letting me stay with him.

  And I love him and appreciate him I really do it’s just… I hate that he thinks he can just come back to Memphis during his off season and control my life. Like… I’ve been raising myself practically since momma died. Daddy ain’t do shit for me but keep a roof over my head and take care of my necessities. I did everything else.

  I taught myself how to cook. I washed my hair and braided it into pigtails until I was taught by Princess’s mother how to do more. I cleaned the house and did my laundry. I was doing that shit at eight. Yea, I fucked up and got pregnant, but it wasn’t because I’ve been out here living reckless every day of my life.

  I slipped up one time one time and… and he thinks he can just come in and take control and it just irritates me. It makes me want to do the opposite of whatever he says.”

  Her elbows went to the table and she palmed her face. I remained silent for a good little while to make sure she was done before I spoke.

  “I know you love him. I know you appreciate him. But I’m sure it would make him feel better to hear you say it. We need to figure out how to make this work. He loves you, Harlem, and he only wants what’s best for you and the baby. Would it make it easier for you to do as he said if he didn’t try to force you to? If he maybe suggested things to you instead of presenting them as demands?”

  She scratched her head with one hand and rubbed her eye with the other.

  “Yes. I always listen to him. I’d listen now if he was just nicer about it.”

  “I think that’s understandable. You are a minor living in his home, but you’re about to be a mom too. So he has to find that balance of protecting you and taking care of you like he wants to, but giving you the space to take care of yourself and the baby. Why don’t you just tell him everything that you told me? I think he’ll understand.”

  “What’s up with you two?”

  “What’s up with who two?”

  Harlem smiled and picked her roll back up.

  “You and Knight, Charlie. Don’t play.”

  I eyed our waitress as she made her way over to us to take our order. Seeing her gave me the perfect excuse to not answer Harlem right away. Quite frankly, I didn’t know what to say. We placed our orders – low country shrimp for me and chicken tenders for her – then the waitress left and Harlem’s attention was back on me.

  “There’s nothing up with us. Why? Did he say there was something up with us?”

  “He doesn’t have to. I know there is.”

  “How do you know?”

  “By the way he looks at you,” she sat up in her seat and leaned into the table, causing me to do the same. As if she was about to whisper a secret to me that no one else was allowed to hear. “We all handled losing my mother in different ways. Carmen left. I rebel. My daddy and Knight they both shut down.

  Daddy shut down with everyone, but Knight really just doesn’t let anyone new in. I guess he doesn’t want to lose anyone else that he loves. He keeps his family close enough to make sure we’re straight… but it’s like… he’s detached himself enough to not be too bothered if he lost us.

  I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It’s like… he’ll be messed up if anything happens to us, but it’s like he expects to lose us. I guess he’s prepared for lost now. I don’t know. But he doesn’t get to know new people and he really doesn’t commit to women.

  Now don’t get me wrong, he dates a lot of them, and I’ve disapproved of everyone that I’ve known of but you… I just see it in the way he looks at you. He likes you. And that’s saying a lot. There’s something about you that’s just… so familiar and necessary. Makes us feel comfortable.

  Knight doesn’t like to feel. That’s what it is. He doesn’t like to feel. Losing momma made him not want to love and feel. But since you’ve been around I can tell he’s pulling out of that. You make him feel. You give him something he can feel. He needs that. He needs you. We both do.”

  Speechless. That’s what I was. Speechless. I picked up a roll and bit into it because I had absolutely nothing to say.

  Had I known inviting a few of my old homies and some of the players from the team was going to turn into such a huge gathering in the middle of the day I wouldn’t have invited them. It was my intention to invite the team and my friends to get them to participate in the charity basketball game and golf tournament.

  We all met at Roman’s Lounge for a drink at the bar, and after they all finished calling their people to come out the lounge was full and they were straight up going live and getting full of it like it was a Saturday night. It was cool, but that wasn’t my scene anymore. Even when I went out with the team when we were on the road I’d always have my own little section in the back of VIP where I could chill, but as long as they didn’t expect me to cover the tab we wouldn’t have any problems.

  I was at the left end of the bar talking to two of the men that I knew for sure would participate when our waitress came over yet again to check on us. I’ve never been the type to judge, but I could tell just by the way she was dressed that she used her place of employment as a means to meet men. Men she thought could benefit her financially or sexually.

  When I first got here she immediately hopped on me, but when the team started floating in her attention went elsewhere. Either they told her that they were here for me and she thought I had money, or she wasn’t getting the play she thought she would because she was returning her attention to me.

  Instead of keeping some distance between us when she asked, she squeezed in between Edward and I and made sure her body was as close to mine as she could possibly get it. There was no way for me to avoid brushing up against her when I turned to face her, and the moment I did she smiled.

  “I was just making sure you didn’t need anything else from me, otherwise I was going to go ahead and see how you wanted to handle the check.”

  “I’m good. I’m paying for my drinks only. See everybody else about their own.”

  “Your face is familiar. Are you on the team with them?”

  Her hand found its way to my knee. I was tempted to tell her ass to get from ‘round me, but I didn’t want to embarrass her. I didn’t want her to think she had a chance with me either, so I didn’t even look down at her hand.

  “Nah,” I answered dryly.

  She wasn’t bad looking just way too thirsty. Besides, I had Charlie to play with. There was nothing this waitress or anyone else could do to pull my attention away from Charlie.

  Charlie.

  I needed to talk to her about yesterday. Kissing her… yea kissing her had definitely been something I thought about a lot. I never considered acting on it, and the way she reacted let me know I never would. I had to put my growing desire for her aside. I don’t want to do anything to make her uncomfortable. For the next five months she’s going to have to be around for Harlem. I don’t need her trying to quit or anything like that because she thinks I can’t handle myself around her.

  To be honest, I’d never had that type of problem with a woman before. Most of the time they made the first move, and when I did it was made knowing full well that they wanted it to happen just as much as I wanted it to happen. I don’t know what had gotten into me. I guess it was just her being her and being so caring and present and sweet and on her knees looking up at me like I was a King and…

  “Oh. Well. OK. Um… do you come here a lot? I usually work the night shift, but I’ve never seen you in here before.”

  Scratching my forehead, I inhaled deeply and sighed.

  “Nah. I don’t come here often at all, baby
girl.”

  She didn’t take my brush off seriously. Not seriously at all.

  “Oh. I wish you would. Seeing you would make my shifts fly by a lot easier.”

  I didn’t think it was possible for her to get closer to me, but she did, and her hand sliding up my thigh had my legs opening naturally. My dick was definitely proving it had a mind of its own as it grew. I was fasting. No sex. Really, I wasn’t even supposed to be calling and texting women, but Charlie made me happily break that rule.

  “Is that right?”

  “Right.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  She smiled and bit down on her lip as she put some space between us.

  “Cool. I’ll put my number on the back of your receipt.”

  I nodded and watched as she walked away and went behind the bar.

  “Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? She was practically throwing you the pussy and you didn’t bite,” Edward said in disbelief.

  “Man, just as easily as she threw it at me is just as easily as she threw it at somebody else in here I’m sure.”

  “Whatever. You could’ve at least gotten her to head you up.”

  I looked over at Edward and shook my head.

  “At what cost? I’m trying to cleanse myself of these females not add on more. I don’t need her calling me and texting me and expecting shit from me that I don’t have to give. I’m good on that.”

  “What happened to the Knight that I know? The Knight that I know would’ve taken her to the bathroom and handled that immediately.”

  I shrugged and watched as the waitress made her way back over to me with my receipt and a smile. I don’t know where that Knight was. Even with me fasting, if a woman was easy enough I’d just fall and get back up on the next day, but this day… I had no desire to entertain her or anyone else.

  For the first time in I think my entire adult life I was more content with whatever this was that I had with Charlie than having sex and that scared me. That scared me a lot. Even with that fear and uneasiness of what was happening to me, I couldn’t wait to get home and see her. She was coming over to deliver the stuff she and Harlem purchased yesterday.

  “Here’s your receipt.”

  I looked at the waitress’s name tag for the first time today.

  “Cool. Thanks, Robin.”

  “No problem.”

  Robin winked and left. After letting everyone know that I was about to leave I pulled enough cash out of my wallet to cover my bill and give Robin a nice tip. Then I left the money, the receipt, and her number that was on the back of it on the top of the bar.

  Walking into my house and hearing Harlem and Charlie laughing gave me this warm feeling in the pit of me that made it feel like I was walking into a home. With the thought that neither of them would be here forever, I made my way upstairs and into Harlem’s temporary room. Charlie’s eyes found mine first because she was facing the door, and when they did her laugh was turned into a quiet smile.

  Harlem turned around and looked from my face to the packages of Ricki’s cookies I’d picked up for her and Charlie as peace offerings when I left the lounge. I knew Harlem loved Ricki’s soft baked cookies and I was hoping Charlie would too, or at least appreciate the fact that I grabbed her some along with Harlem.

  “Hi,” Charlie spoke softly.

  “What’s up?”

  Her gaze lowered to the bag she was pulling stuff out of as she fought to pull her smile in.

  “Can I talk to you?” Harlem asked as she stood.

  “Me?”

  “Yes you, boo.”

  “I’m back to boo?”

  Harlem rolled her eyes and pushed me out of the doorway. She grabbed one of the packages of cookies from my hand and led the way downstairs. We went into the dining room and sat across from each other. I put the other package of cookies on the table as she began to speak.

  “I would really like for you to put the baby’s furniture and stuff up when it arrives, Knight.”

  “That would mean I’m involved, and you don’t want me involved remember?”

  “Don’t be difficult when I’m trying to apologize!” she whined as she opened the box. After biting one of the cookies and keeping her eyes closed in sheer delight until she was done, Harlem continued. “I’m sorry for being… difficult. I know that you only said and did what you said and did because you love and care about me. And I really do appreciate you for that, Knight, but you have to let me make my own choices and mistakes. I don’t want to resent you for anything. Let me walk this path on my own. I want you to walk it with me every step of the way, but I have to walk it on my own. I need you at my side, not in front of me forcing my every move. If Tage is a dog ass…”

  “Watch your mouth.”

  “If Tage is no good, I need to find out on my own. I want your advice and help, but can you give it when I ask for it? Can you at least do that?”

  I sat back in my seat and sighed as I considered her request.

  “So you want me to just let you make bad decisions and only tell you it’s a bad decision if you ask me to?”

  “Yes. If I’m going to stay here…”

  “You are staying here.”

  Her eyes rolled as she shook her head.

  “If I’m going to stay here we have to have that boundary.”

  “Boundary? The hell you know about some damn boundaries?”

  “Well, I was talking to Charlie and she suggested that I…”

  “Charlie?”

  “Yes. Charlie. She’s the reason I’m even talking to you in the first place. I was just going to continue to be petty and ignore you and irritate you, but she suggested that I tell you how I felt. And that we create boundaries. Boundaries that will help you understand that I’m still your baby sister, but I’m also about to be a mother. I need to grow up and deal with some things on my own, Knight. And boundaries for me to help me remember that you love me and want what’s best for me. So I promise to not flip and take everything so personally as an attack on my independence if you promise to lighten up and walk with me instead of in front of me.”

  “That’s fair.”

  Harlem smiled as she stood and walked over to me. She gave me a hug and kiss before mushing my head and walking away.

  “Thanks for the cookies. I love you.”

  “You better.”

  Well damn. My baby sister was growing up on me. Talking about independence and boundaries and respect. What did I expect? She’d practically started raising herself. I felt bad as hell about leaving her, but I felt like I couldn’t be any good to her or anyone else. Not being there for mama filled me with so much guilt and anger. Made me feel like I couldn’t be there for anyone else. But Harlem never held that against me or Carmen.

  She never harbored any type of hate or anger or even resentment because we weren’t there for her as much as we should have been when she was growing up. Yea, I stopped by whenever I was in town and I made sure she was straight financially. We talked at least every two days. But I wasn’t there. Her heart wouldn’t allow her to hold that against me, though, and for that I was grateful. And I planned on making up for my absence now.

  Next up was Charlie. I returned to the door and asked to speak with her. She followed me to the dining room hesitantly – as if she was afraid that I had a problem with anything that she’d said to Harlem or something. Charlie tried to sit across from me in the same seat Harlem had, but I found myself wanting her closer. I grabbed her hand and sat her next to me.

  Her hands were in her lap as her eyes shyly found mine.

  “These are for you,” I slid her the cookies and she smiled. “I’m not sure if you like these…”

  “I love Ricki’s cookies. You didn’t have to get me anything, Knight, but thank you.”

  I nodded and thought over my words carefully.

  “Listen, I just wanted to apologize again for yesterday. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t want to kiss you, but I didn’t plan on acti
ng on that desire. I was feeling a way over Harlem and you being here and being all loving and positive… your energy… it transferred and took away the anger and uncertainty that I was feeling and I just… couldn’t help myself.”

  “You don’t have to apologize for that. Like at all. If I was a normal woman kissing you would’ve been the highlight of my life,” she smiled and paused momentarily as her eyes lowered to my lips. “But my own personal issues are what made me react the way I did. It had absolutely nothing to do with you, Knight. I genuinely like you. You’re handsome and sweet, but I get the feeling you have no problem taking control and laying down the law,” the tip of her finger ran across the mole she called a beauty mark on my finger. “You’re perfect.”

  I can’t tell you how long we sat there like that, with her running her finger across mine, but we didn’t stop until my doorbell sounded off. She removed her hand immediately and tried to stand, but my hand went to her waist and I sat her back down.

  “Let them wait,” I took her hands into mine and kissed them both. Her shoulders tensed and she tried to pull her hands away, but I didn’t let her. “I don’t know what guards you have up and why, and I can’t even say if I’m up for the challenge of knocking them down. I can’t say if I’m capable. What I can say is that I like you. A lot. And if all I have are these next five months to just stare at you and vibe with you… I will gladly accept that. Just promise me that you won’t be scared of me, Charlie. Of what I feel for you. How I express those feelings. I’m not used to them… to feeling… and I honestly don’t know what to do with them right now but… just don’t let me run you away. OK?”

  The sight of her eyes watering made my heart skip a beat. Literally. She closed them and inhaled deeply as she pulled me closer to her by our still connected hands. Charlie let go of mine only to wrap her arms around my neck for a hug.

  I inhaled her scent as I hugged her waist. Pulling her as close as I could.

  The doorbell rang again.

  Neither of us made a move to release each other.

  “I’m so scared,” she whispered into my ear, and the feel of her tear hitting my neck snatched my words.