Give Me Something I Can Feel

by B. Love

  I didn’t want to waste time getting to know a man, falling for him, exposing myself to him, and then dealing with his rejection when he saw me. Really saw me. It was just easier to not deal with men at all. At least on that level.

  “Knight, you said some really, really sweet things, but… honestly I’m just not comfortable with that. I haven’t dated in years and I kind of want to keep it like that.”

  The confusion that covered his face made me smile.

  “You haven’t gone out on a date in years?”

  “Nope. I have one nice guy friend that I hang out with from time to time. We’ve known each other since middle school. When he’s single and I need male companionship we kick it, but that’s about it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Why not what?”

  “Don’t you date?”

  Not wanting to go into detail about it, I pulled my hand from under his and put them both in my lap. Sensing my apprehension, he nodded.

  “OK. We don’t have to go there. Do you trust me, Charlie? I know we haven’t known each other long bu–”

  “Yes.”

  Knight smiled softly as his palm cupped my cheek. His thumb caressed my cheek and I swear I shivered as my eyes closed and opened.

  “If you trust me… trust that I won’t allow you to be put in a position that will make you uncomfortable, nor will I allow you to be with a man that would do anything to make you uncomfortable or feel disrespected or violated. Leave all of the details to me and I promise you’ll be at ease. Just commit to this for me. Or at least commit to thinking about it. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. You know what, just forget it. We can do a silent auction instead.”

  He sat right in his seat and started to write that on the list, but I put my hand over his and stopped him. I wasn’t completely sure how this was going to work out, but I did trust him, and it was a good idea, and it would be nice to have men pine over me, and you know what… fuck it.

  “I’m down.”

  Before I took Harlem to the doctor I went to the gym. The goal was to release the tension and nervous energy before we got to the doctor, but when we arrived and she told me that Tage said he was on his way I got irritated all over again.

  I reached out to him and told him that I wanted to meet with him and his parents, and he told me that he’d stop by, but he didn’t want his parents to know about the baby. Although I respected his honesty, I couldn’t respect his decision, so I told Harlem that his ass didn’t need to be here today.

  If he was man enough to plant those seeds he needed to be man enough to not only water and nurture them but acknowledge them also. I refused to allow him to give my sister anything less than the respect and support she deserved.

  When she told me that he was coming I couldn’t even be mad at him. I was irritated with her. I was irritated with her because she was starting a dangerous cycle of letting him do this shit halfway. If he kept her a secret from his parents, I figured he’d keep her a secret from other girls too. Then I started getting paranoid thinking about her moving in with him and him cheating and lying and being disrespectful and not bringing anything to the table but his dick and I just was about to flip the fuck out.

  Since she hadn’t been called back yet, I stepped outside and called Charlie. I figured she might be at work and wouldn’t answer, but I’d settle for hearing her voicemail. To my surprise and delight she answered.

  “Hi,” she spoke, and I could hear the smile in her voice.

  “You busy?”

  “Nah.”

  “You at work?”

  “Yes, but I can talk.”

  Leaning against the wall, I scratched the top of my head and sighed.

  “Her little friend is on his way up here.”

  “I thought you said he couldn’t come?”

  “I did.”

  She chuckled and the sound of it made me smile even though I didn’t want to.

  “Are you going to be nice, Knight? Or do I need to come up there to play referee?”

  “I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises. That’s why I called you. You make me feel better.”

  I’d said it before I knew it, but I didn’t regret it. It was the truth. She did make me feel better.

  “I do?”

  “You do.”

  “What are we doing, Knight?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We shouldn’t be talking as much as we are. This is dangerous.”

  “What’s dangerous about it, Charlie?”

  She sighed into the phone, giving me the time to lock eyes with a youngin’ as he walked towards the office. He looked like a Tage. Long, curly hair all on his head pulled up in a bun like a female.

  “Charlie, I think he’s here. I’ll call you back.”

  Without waiting for her to OK that I disconnected the call and followed him into the office. Sure enough he made his way over to Harlem. She looked up at him and rolled her eyes before looking towards the door for me. I made my way over to them and looked from him to her.

  Harlem stood and stepped between us. She placed her hand on my stomach and pushed me back slightly.

  “Knight, this is Tage. Tage, this is Knight.”

  I scratched my neck and looked him over as he placed his hands in his pockets.

  “You tell your parents about my sister and the baby?”

  “Uh, not yet.”

  “Then there’s no reason for you to be here.”

  “Knight…”

  I pulled Harlem behind me and stepped closer to him.

  “I’m not going to play with you. I told you what you had to do if you wanted to be a part of this. Until you tell your parents there’s no point of you coming around. You need to leave.”

  “Knight!” Harlem grabbed my arm and turned me towards her. “He has more of a right to be here than you! You can’t make him leave!”

  “Do you hear yourself, Harlem? This nigga ain’t claiming you or this kid, but you think I’m about to let him stick around to find out what you’re having? What I tell you about giving a nigga the world for free? He will never pay you for it. Do not settle for this. Make him earn his place in you and your child’s life.”

  “I don’t have time for this shit,” he mumbled as he walked away. “Call me when he ain’t around and let me know what’s up, Harlem.”

  And with that he walked out of the office. She put all of her strength into punching my chest before pressing her face into it and wrapping her arms around my waist as she cried frustrated tears. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

  “It’s OK, sweetheart. I got you.”

  “I hate you so much for that, Knight. Why didn’t you just let him stay? He’ll tell them eventually. I want my baby to have both parents around. It’s bad enough that we won’t be in the same house. I at least want him to be around,” she removed herself from my chest when the nurse called her name. Harlem wiped her face and glared at me. “I really don’t like you right now, Knight. When we leave here, you need to get me Charlie. I don’t want you coming to any more appointments. I can’t believe you did that to me.”

  She walked away and I was tempted to just wait for her in the car since it was obvious she didn’t want me involved, but I promised to be here for her, so I sucked it up and followed behind her.

  With no idea if Charlie was still at work or not, I looked around the parking lot for her car before I parked. When I found it I parked next to it and went into the store. She was nowhere on the floor, so I had one of the cashiers to call her. When she came out and saw me she smiled. I tried to return it… but it was hard.

  As if she knew I needed one, she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me into her for a hug. Her arms stayed around my neck for a few seconds before she dropped them to my waist and pulled me closer. Her gripping me as tightly as I held her made me groan and run my lips against her neck.

  Charlie shivered and grabbed two handfuls of my shi
rt before pulling away. She let me go, but I didn’t let go of her. Not until I looked down at her and her beauty had my dick growing. I didn’t want the feel of it to make her uncomfortable, so I released her and took a step back.

  “So… how did it go? Is everything all right?” she inquired as she grabbed my hand and led me to the bench I sat on the first time I came here.

  “She’s mad at me. She told me to do whatever it took to get you to start working with her now because she doesn’t want me involved anymore since I made him leave.”

  Her face softened as she grabbed my hand and pulled it into her lap.

  “She’ll get over it. It may be years from now but she will. She doesn’t understand that you’re trying to make him man up now, but when she does I bet she’ll thank you for it.”

  “Will you start this month? I’m willing to pay whatever extra I have to. She has a tendency to run away when things aren’t going her way and I don’t want her doing that while she’s pregnant.”

  “Sure. And you don’t have to worry about paying anything extra. I’ll be done working here soon so I’ll need something to do with my free time.”

  “You’re leaving?”

  “Yep. Put in my two weeks’ notice a few days ago. I’m gonna go fulltime with my business.”

  “That’s great, beauty. I’m really proud of you. I’m sure you’ll do great.”

  She blushed and held my hand a little tighter.

  “What is she having?”

  “A boy.”

  “Even more reason for you to want him to do right, huh?”

  “Exactly.”

  “She’ll come around. Don’t worry yourself. I know that’s easier for me to say than it is for you to do, but… try.”

  “I will. I don’t want to hold you. I just wanted to stop by and see if you’d start early.”

  “You don’t have to rush out. I’m on my lunch break.”

  “Have you eaten anything?”

  “No. Not yet.”

  “Then let’s grab something.”

  “Knight…”

  “It’s not a date. Trust me, that’s the last thing on my list of priorities right now too.”

  She thought about it for a few seconds then agreed.

  “Cool. Let me grab my purse, then we can head out.”

  I nodded and watched her ass as she walked away. That was the truth; I wasn’t looking to date or be in a relationship right now. My fast was still intact. I just… wanted to spend every possible moment that I could with her.

  Today was my first day working with Harlem, and it caught me totally and completely by surprise when she was sitting outside on the porch waiting for me. Yea, I knew her and Knight were having a little static between the two of them, but I thought they’d be over it by now. Her doctor’s appointment had been three days ago. I definitely wasn’t expecting them to still be at odds.

  There was no need for me to cut my car off because as soon as she me pulling into the driveway she stood and started walking towards the car. When she got in she leaned over the middle console and hugged my neck – surprising the heck out of me!

  “Hey, Charlie,” she muttered as she sat back in her seat and put on her seatbelt.

  “Hey, sweetheart. What’s wrong?”

  Her head shook at the same time her bottom lip poked out.

  “Do you mind if I go speak to Knight before we leave?”

  Her head shook again. I got out and walked up to the front door. Since it was still open I knocked softly then stepped inside.

  “Knight?” I don’t know why I even called out for him. As quietly as I did it he wouldn’t be able to hear me. “Knight?” I repeated a little louder as I walked down the hallway.

  Knight was sitting in the middle of his couch. Elbows on his thighs. Face in his palms. Something must have happened today. With small, soft steps I walked until I was standing in front of him. He didn’t look up, but he knew I was there because he inhaled deeply and acknowledged…

  “You always smell so good,” before wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me even closer, and resting his head on my breasts.

  The act made me lock up immediately out of fear of him feeling my scar, but I put my own feelings aside to tend to his.

  “What’s wrong, Knight?”

  With no answer from him, I got on my knees before him. My hands went to his thighs as he tried to avoid my eyes. That didn’t last very long. For the first time since I’d known him, my hair was pulled back into a ponytail, so he had a very good look at my face today.

  Knight smiled and ran his pointing finger across my cheek.

  “And you’re so fucking beautiful.”

  I blushed and squeezed his thighs.

  “I did not come in here to be complimented. I came in here to check on you. What happened?”

  “Nothing. She just made it very clear that I wasn’t allowed to be involved today like the petty betty that she is, and I told her that Page couldn’t be involved either, and that turned into another back and forth match that I don’t even do. Then she went outside to wait for you.”

  “His name is Tage, Knight. You know that.”

  He smiled and ran his middle finger down my neck. If the chills weren’t enough to make me pull away, the sight of the desire in his eyes was… but for some reason… I couldn’t move.

  “I really need you to get off your knees, Charlie.”

  “Why?”

  Knight’s head shook as his eyes lowered to my breasts, and before I knew it his hands were cupping my face and his lips were almost on mine. As much… and trust me… I wanted to kiss him a lot… but as much as I wanted to kiss him… I just couldn’t. I got all weird about it as usual and scooted away from him on my palms and feet.

  “I’m sorry,” he mumbled running his hand over his face as he lowered it.

  “No it’s fine it’s just… kisses lead to touching and touching leads to… you know…”

  “Sex?”

  I nodded and sat flat on the floor.

  “I wasn’t thinking about sex, Charlie. Not right now anyway.”

  “But you have?”

  “How could I not? You’re beautiful and I adore you. I just… I’m feeling like shit and needed… I don’t know.”

  “You adore me?”

  His eyes returned to mine.

  “I adore you,” as soon as I opened my mouth to respond he cut me off. “You should go. She’s waiting for you and… I don’t want to turn this into something it’s not.”

  “Are you dismissing me?”

  Knight stood and headed for the kitchen. When he made it next to me he looked down and said, “I’m not dismissing you, I’m protecting you.”

  “Protecting me from what?”

  “Me.”

  “But what does that mean?”

  “Just go, Charlie.”

  I stood and followed him into the kitchen. My hand went into his as I turned him to face me. On the tips of my toes I kissed his forehead. Both eyes. His nose. Both cheeks. The corners of his mouth. I could tell he wanted to wrap his arms around me and keep me close because his arms went from the sides of him, to behind his back, and ended with his hands on top of his head.

  “I know that’s probably not the kiss you wanted but… I hope it makes you feel at least a little better.”

  He put some space between us and turned to the side.

  “It was perfect. Go.”

  The ride to the store was silent. All I could do was think about Knight and what he said. That he was protecting me from him. What the hell did that even mean? What could he possibly need to protect me from within him? Should it even matter? I should just… take that warning and that protection and just… stay away.

  Harlem started to loosen up when we started shopping. Everything she wanted I made a list of and preordered it. I gave Brea a little cut of my profit for filling my orders for me when she got off work. All I would have to do is pick everything up in the morning when the store opened and
set it up for Harlem.

  After shopping at Bundled we went to Babies R Us and this cute little boutique just outside of Memphis that I absolutely love! They have the cutest nursery furniture! She wanted his approval. We ended up having to wait a few minutes just for him to OK her choices before we could even place the order.

  I thought she’d be tired and ready to go home after that, but she wanted to stop for lunch, so we went to O’Charley’s to grab a bite to eat before I took her home. Harlem intrigued me. From her looks, to her spunky little attitude, and her hunger for independence no matter how dependent life or her actions made her. I wanted to know about her, but I didn’t want to be all up in her business, so I tried to make the conversation as light as I possibly could.

  “Soooo tell me about you, Harlem.”

  She stopped buttering her roll long enough to look at me and smile softly before returning her attention to it.

  “Um, there’s not much to tell. I’m 16 and pregnant. I go to Kirby High School. I’m the youngest in my family,” her smile started to fade. “My mom died when I was six. After that the rest of my family kind of just… fell apart,” her smile was completely gone. “You know about my brother Knight, and we also have a sister. Carmen.”

  “I know that Knight travels a lot because of his job. How does that work with you living with him?”

  “Well, I don’t really live with him. I guess I do now. I don’t think he’s going to let me go anywhere any time soon,” her smile returned. “I was staying with my dad, but when I told him that I was pregnant he basically told me if I wanted to stay I had to have an abortion, so I left. I called Knight and he came home and I’ve been with him ever since.”

  “And you said your sister doesn’t live in Memphis?”

  Harlem shook her head as she chewed a piece of her bread.