Give Me Something I Can Feel

by B. Love

  Tage’s mother, Patricia, led us into the living room before going to get his father, Everett. His mother seemed to have no idea what the hell was going on, but the second his father walked in and saw Harlem and I his head flung back and he shook it adamantly.

  Patricia grabbed his arm and led him to the couch that was across from me and Harlem. Tage was sitting next to Harlem, but when his father came in he put some space between them.

  “Well, to what do we owe the pleasure of,” Patricia gestured between me and Harlem, “This.”

  I looked around the room at all of the trophies with Tage’s name on them. All of the pictures of him in his football uniform. From little league looked like to now. He was deep with his craft. Looked like he was pretty good at it too.

  His head lowered as he mumbled, “As you can see…” he looked at Harlem’s protruding stomach and she placed her hand over it. “She’s pregnant.”

  “What does that have to do with you?” Everett asked.

  I inhaled deeply and sat back in my seat.

  Tage grabbed Harlem’s hand. She looked at him like she wanted to snatch it away, but she placed her other hand on top of his to show him her support. Even if her petty ass was still mad at him.

  “It’s mine.”

  “What’s yours?” Patricia asked.

  “The baby, Ma. She’s pregnant with my baby.”

  “Are you sure?” Patricia asked as Everett said, “Are you stupid? How many times have I told you to keep your fucking dick in your pants, Tage? You have your entire future ahead of you and plenty of time for sex and women later in life. Now was supposed to be about school and football. How are you going to focus on college and get into the NFL with this hanging over you?”

  He turned towards Harlem and I sat up immediately at the hostile look on his face. “She’s probably just trying to trap you because she knows how talented you are.”

  Harlem chuckled as I interjected.

  “See, that’s what we’re not about to do. You’re not about to disrespect her.”

  “And who are you?”

  “That doesn’t matter right now. I get that you’re upset, but you will not disrespect her.”

  Harlem grabbed my arm and pulled me back into the couch. Dismissing me, he looked towards Tage.

  “Why did you wait so late to say something? We could’ve paid her off and gotten her to get rid of it. How far along is she?”

  “OK, you know what? I’ll see you later, Tage,” Harlem stood and looked down at me. “Let’s go, Knight. I don’t have time for this.”

  I stood and looked at Tage. His head was practically in his lap it was hanging so low. I walked over to him and grabbed his shoulder.

  “We’ll get through this together,” I told him.

  He nodded and smiled with half of his mouth as his father started in again.

  “He’s not getting through anything. His focus is school and football. He doesn’t have time to make anything else a priority. Not her and for damn sure not that bastard child she’s carrying.”

  I chuckled and turned towards him as Harlem grabbed my hand and tried to pull me away.

  “I’m going to let that slide because I know you’re upset,” I warned him, pulling away from Harlem’s grip. “But if you say anything to disrespect my sister or my nephew from this point forward, I’m going to punch the words back into your mouth.”

  Everett stood and Patricia stood right along with him. Trying and failing to sit him back down. He stepped in front of me and Tage stood next to me.

  “Fuck you, her, and that bas–”

  I snapped.

  Snapped.

  Can’t really remember even hitting him or how many times I hit him, but by the time I was done Tage and Harlem were dragging me out and my knuckles were bleeding.

  Patricia was yelling and screaming about calling the police.

  He was knocked the hell out.

  Tage was looking like I’d done him a favor.

  And Harlem… Harlem just kept shaking her head.

  I yanked away from the both of them and walked to the car in front of them, only to stop and return to Tage.

  “I get why you didn’t want to tell him. He’s an asshole. But as a man you are required to stand up and take care of your responsibilities. Just as I told Harlem, this baby is not going to stop her from becoming the woman she planned on being. The same goes for you.

  Just because she’s pregnant does not mean your life is over. That your dreams have to be altered. As long as you put forth the effort to be there for her and your child I will be there with y’all every step of the way.”

  He nodded and looked back towards his house. His hand extended for mine and I shook it.

  “Thanks, man. You’re right. I’ll be there no matter what.”

  I nodded as I wiped the blood off of my knuckles onto my shirt.

  “I’ll give you two a second.”

  I went to the car and waited for Harlem. I wanted to give them their space, but I also wanted to make sure Everett didn’t try to come out, so I glanced up at them every few seconds.

  By the end of their conversation Tage was pulling Harlem into him for a hug that she willingly accepted. As she walked to my car he walked to his.

  “Where is he going?” I asked after she closed the door.

  “To his brother’s house. Their father is very controlling… and he drinks. And when he drinks he’s even more of an asshole.”

  Normally I’d check her for cursing, but this time… asshole was the perfect word to describe him.

  “Just… be careful,” I heard Harlem mutter after letting Charlie in.

  I was in my room laying on the bed. Had been in that same position for about three hours. Just staring at the ceiling. No music. No TV. No talking. Just staring. Staring and thinking. Trying to understand what made me snap and come apart as easily as I did.

  All of my years in the gym, at the punching bag, in the boxing ring… was meant to help me avoid this. It was no secret to me that I had anger issues. That I was fiercely protective of my family.

  But today… today showed me that I didn’t have it together as well I thought I did.

  “Be careful?” I heard the smile in Charlie’s voice, and it made me smile for the first time since I’d gotten back home. “Why?”

  “That’s not the first time I’ve seen Knight fight. Hell, he used to beat people up for me and Carmen all the time, but today was different. That wasn’t just him being mad at Everett talking about me and the baby. That was… some pent up shit that he let loose.”

  “Thanks for the warning. How’s my baby?”

  “He’s good. Kicking the shit out of me.”

  “Can I?”

  “Sure.”

  Not being able to see them had me imagining what was happening. I figured Charlie had her hand on Harlem’s stomach to see if Hayden would move. The house felt like it grew completely still as we waited. Waited to see if Hayden would act right or be stubborn like the family he’d been born into.

  “Ah! He kicked, Harlem!”

  Harlem laughed and so did I.

  “I know. I felt it too.”

  “Oh yea. Duh,” Charlie chuckled as she finally made her way to me. “I’ll see you a little later. Have you been drinking your water?”

  “Yes, Charlie.”

  Charlie’s head peeked into my room as she smiled. I was waiting for her, but apparently she was waiting for me. She stood there looking around my room until I said…

  “Come here, silly.”

  She scurried over to my bed, kicked her shoes off, and took her jeans and button down off before climbing into bed with me. Her body snuggled up on the side of me, and I swear, wrapping my arm around her and kissing her felt like the most natural thing to me.

  “You wanna talk about it,” Charlie’s hand lifted mine. Her lips kissed my bruised knuckles softly. One by one. “But we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

  “There’s nothing to tal
k about really. I just snapped.”

  “But why? I mean… from what Harlem told me earlier today and just a few seconds ago… all it would’ve taken was one punch to prove your point. To teach him a lesson for disrespecting her and the baby, but you didn’t stop. Why didn’t you stop?”

  She sat up on her elbow while running her hand up and down my chest. The feel of her hand against my skin was helping me stay calm, but I was still growing irritated just at the thought of it. Not so much over Everett, but irritated at myself for giving him the power to make me step out of my character like that.

  “What do you want me to say, Charlie? You want me to say I lost control? I did.”

  “But why?”

  With a loud exhale, I pushed her hand off of my body and sat on the edge of the bed.

  “I don’t know, Charlie. He just pissed me off. If you think I was wrong for standing up for my family…”

  “No,” her hand wrapped around my arm as best as it could and she pulled me back down to the bed. “That’s not what I’m saying at all, Knight. I think that was very noble of you. Not only were you standing up for their honor, but you stood up for Tage too.

  I’ll never go against you for doing that. I just,” her eyes darted over to the other side of the room as she chewed on her cheek. “Want to know what triggered you not being able to keep control of yourself. Maybe I can help you with that.

  When she called me and told me what happened the first thing I thought was what if they couldn’t have stopped you? What if you would’ve done some serious damage or killed him? What if they would’ve called the police and…”

  “You were scared of losing me?”

  Her watery eyes were my answer. She smiled softly and shook her head.

  “Is that selfish of me?”

  Now I was the one shaking my head as I pulled her down to my lips. This is what I’ve needed all fucking day. Her.

  “That’s not selfish. Honestly, it makes me feel good as hell, Charlie.”

  And it also made me want to try and figure this out with her. I didn’t want her to ever have to worry about losing me; especially because I lost my temper and snapped on someone. She placed her head in the middle of my chest. On my heart. I knew then and there that it would always be hers.

  “I guess maybe that was me unleashing a lot of anger that has been stored up.”

  “From what? Losing your mom?”

  “Everything, beauty. I was so angry. I know I might sound like a broken record. I know you probably think I should just get over it…”

  “No, Knight. I… I can’t say that I understand how you feel, but I understand grief. I had to watch my family grieve over me and I wasn’t even gone yet. I had to watch them plan my funeral. My mother fought them every step of the way, but they had the entire ceremony planned.

  We all handle loss differently and I honestly think you haven’t handled losing your mother at all.

  I think you’ve stuffed it down in the deepest, darkest place you could find in your heart. And it’s just… festering. It’s been festering all of these years because you haven’t dealt with it. You haven’t wanted to feel that pain. So you’ve been feeling anger instead.”

  Now that was true. Anger I definitely allowed myself to feel. I was mad at God for taking her. Mad at her for leaving. Mad at my pops for not trying to make her stay. Mad at Carmen for moving. Mad at Harlem for being so damn young. But above all I was mad at myself for not doing what she asked of me. For not being around when her health deteriorated.

  Anger I definitely allowed myself to feel.

  “You need to get it out, Knight. I’m more than willing to listen while you do.”

  We turned on our sides to face each other, but I couldn’t speak right away. She was asking me to dig up 10 years of anger. 10 years of hurt. 10 years of guilt. Where would I even start? Where would she put it? My feelings. What would she do with them? Carry them around with her?

  “I don’t want to put all of this on you, Charlie. I wouldn’t even know where to start. Where to end. This would take all night probably longer.”

  She smiled as she ran her hand down the back of my head.

  “For you… I have all the time in the world.”

  Tonight was nerve racking for two reasons. One – I’d never brought a man home to meet my family. More than anything, I’ve had men brought home for me. Men that I’ve never been interested in. But I’ve never in my life brought a man home to meet my family.

  Two – this made things between us real. I mean, I knew that things between us were real, but this makes them really real. It lets me know that Knight is committed to us. That he sees a future with me.

  And knowing that I know something that he doesn’t makes me feel like shit.

  I’ve longed to tell him that I have his mother’s heart ever since I found out, but I’m so freaking scared. It’s no secret that he’s felt all types of feelings over losing his mother. Guilt. Anger. Hurt. I’m just scared that he’ll look at me differently.

  Pushing that disturbing thought from my head, I left my hiding place, the bathroom, and went back into the kitchen with my mom and sister. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be around them because I loved them dearly. It’s just… they were acting so weird about Knight coming over.

  They were all googly eyed and smiley faced the entire time we cooked. Asking me the most random, unnecessary things about him. Constantly asking me what time he was going to be here like I hadn’t already told them a million times. Six o’clock. Six o’clock. Six o’clock.

  “Charlie…”

  “Six o’clock,” I said quickly cutting my mom off.

  “Not that, Lie. I… can I see you in my room for a second?”

  I followed my mom into her room and became a little alarmed when she stepped behind me and closed the door.

  “Is something wrong, Ma?”

  Her smile was sweet as she hugged me from the side and took me over to her vanity. That vanity had gotten me into lots of trouble as a young girl. All of her makeup and perfumes were on and in that vanity, and I had been fascinated with it since the age of four. I broke bad at six and made my face up just like I’d watched her do many times. Of course mine didn’t come out anything like hers.

  She thought it was so cute and funny until she saw the mess I’d made.

  And not to mention the fact that I’d drenched myself in almost her whole bottle of White Diamonds.

  I would get into her vanity every chance I could. So much so that she had a new handle put on her door that locked from the outside and inside to keep me from getting in alone.

  My mom positioned me in front of the vanity and pulled on my arms, signaling she wanted me to sit. Just as soon as I was close enough my fingers started running across the white antique vanity. Out of reflex I picked up her bottle of White Diamonds and was about to spray it on myself, but I thought about Knight and kept my scent the way he liked it.

  She smiled and kissed my temple. Her hands went to my shoulders as I looked at her through the mirror.

  “This was your great-grandmother’s vanity. She passed it along to your grandmother. Who passed it down to me. I was supposed to give it to Veronica on her 18th birthday, but she knew how much you love this thing, so she told me that day that she wanted you to have it on yours. You remember what we were doing on your 18th birthday, Charlie?”

  How could I forget? I’d spent the entire week in the hospital. I nodded and lowered my head naturally at the thought, but she lifted it and continued to look at me through the mirror.

  “I guess I’ve kept it since then because… every time I look at it, it reminds me of my little beautiful baby girl. Coming into this room and finding your little seven-year-old feet in my size seven shoes,” we both shared a chuckle at the visual. “Bold red lipstick all over your lips and chin. And you would always put the lightest eyeshadow on that you could find. But you were still the most beautiful girl in the world to me.”

  I turned in the s
eat to face her.

  “I kept it, Charlie, because… if anything were to ever happen to you… I’d have this to remember you by. The healthy, innocent you.”

  “Ma, nothing’s going to happen to me.”

  She nodded and grabbed my hand. I stood as she struggled to find the right words to say.

  “I know that now, baby. I really do. It’s just that this is… 10 years, Charlie. I… I said I’d wait until we reached this point to give it to you. So, whenever you want, your father or brother can bring it to your place for you.”

  “Really? I can have it?”

  “Really. It’s yours.”

  I looked back at the vanity before grabbing her and pulling her into me for a hug.

  “Thanks, Ma. This is just… great. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

  “You don’t know how much you mean to me. I love you so much, Charlie.”

  “I love you too, Ma.”

  We released each other and she wiped her eyes. The ringing of the doorbell signaled my man’s arrival. I smiled against my will. He always had that effect on me. Smiling… I’ve always done that… but with Knight… they felt different. They came from a different place. A different emotion. I’ve been joyful all of my life.

  If sickness teaches you anything it teaches you to not let anything or anyone steal your joy. That God is in control and He has the final say. It teaches you that in your weakness He is your strength. That what you can do on your own in no way compares to what He can do through you.

  But with Knight… I was just straight up happy. Just… giddy. And in love. Wait… what?

  “Well, let’s go meet this young man,” she said as she walked out of the room.

  I stood there for a second. Trying to come to grips with my thoughts. My feelings. Was I in love with Knight? Like really in love with Knight? Smoothing my shirt with my hands, I pulled the hem of it gently before heading out of the room.

  I made it into the living room… and the sight of him standing in the middle of the father and brother… smiling and nodding as he listened to what my father was saying closely. His hand was on top of Knight’s shoulder… like he’d been knowing him for years.