Give Me Something I Can Feel

by B. Love

  Knight looked up at me. His smile widened. Mine did too.

  “Hi,” I spoke as he took a step away from them and focused completely on me.

  “What’s up?”

  She didn’t think I’d picked up on it, but Charlie was slowly crawling back into the guarded hole she was in before the auction. Before I claimed her. It was subtle. So subtle a man who hadn’t taken the time to study his woman and truly get to know her wouldn’t have been able to pick up on it. But I knew her. And I knew that she was shutting down on me.

  It started with her being too busy to come over during the day. She’d come over late and all we’d do is eat, maybe have sex, and go to sleep. She didn’t want to talk. When the sun was up so was she. Forgetting to pack a bag so she’d have to rush home to get ready for her day.

  Instead of doing things with Harlem in the house to get ready for the baby, she’d pick her up, take her wherever they needed to go, drop her off, and leave. Her excuse was that she had other clients, but before I met her family she’d always take care of Harlem last to spend the rest of her day and night with us.

  Our phone calls were few and far in between, and her text messages were growing shorter and shorter.

  To be honest, I was surprised she even agreed to go out tonight. I wasn’t sure if things were moving too fast for her or if this was something she no longer wanted or what. Without talking to her I could only assume, and at this point I was assuming the worst.

  We pulled up to the bowling alley and I let out a frustrated sigh as I cut the car off. She was sitting over there twiddling with her thumbs like she was nervous or some shit. Like we hadn’t spent practically every day together since we’d met for the past two months. Except for when she called herself putting space between us. I wasn’t planning on seeing her at Sticks that night, but we immediately cut that bullshit out.

  “What’s the problem, Charlie?”

  Her eyes met mine briefly before she looked out of the window.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m not… Charlie, I’m not going to play with your ass. If you don’t want to be with me… here or otherwise say that shit. But don’t shut down on me and act like nothing is going on between us. I’m not stupid.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Fine.”

  I put my hand back on the key in the ignition and was about to turn it to start my car again, but she stopped me.

  “I don’t want to go.”

  “But you don’t seem like you want to be here. Be with me.”

  “I do. I want nothing more than to be here with you.”

  “Then what’s the fucking problem?”

  She pulled her hand from mine and massaged her forehead.

  “It’s nothing, Knight. Really. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel like I don’t want to be with you I really do. I promise I do. I just… have a lot on my mind these days. My business is taking off and I have a lot on my shoulders. It’s just a lot right now. And I’m looking for wholesalers and a storefront and I’ve just been very distracted. I’m sorry.”

  I didn’t believe her, but if she didn’t want to tell me the truth I couldn’t force her to. Dropping it for now, we went into the bowling alley and immediately grabbed food and drinks. More drinks than food. Her eyes started to lower and she had that sleepy wasted look that was sexy as hell to me. She could hardly ever hold her liquor. Two drinks would have her like this. Three would have her completely gone. It was cute as hell.

  Charlie jumped out of her chair and walked over to me. No matter how irritated I got I couldn’t ignore the fact that I was irritated because I was crazy about this girl, and I wanted her to be just as crazy about me. I wanted her to want me as much as I wanted her. And the thought of that not being the case was messing with my mental.

  None of that mattered when she was this close, though. She grabbed two handfuls of my shirt as I pushed her hair away from her face and grabbed her cheeks.

  “I wanna kiss you,” she whispered into my lips, “But you’re mad at me.”

  “I’m not mad at you, Charlie. I could never stay mad at you.”

  She brushed her lips against mine twice before pulling away and looking into my eyes. Like she was trying to see how I’d react to her. My way of showing her – pulling her in for another kiss. A deeper kiss. A longer kiss. She pulled away again and hugged me.

  “I promise I want to be with you, Knight. Please, don’t doubt that.”

  I kissed her cheek and removed her arms from around me. Saying OK or that I believed her at this point would be a lie. It wasn’t OK and I didn’t believe her, so I said nothing at all. We went over to our lane, and the way she was wobbling told me that bowling might not be the move while she had her drinks in her.

  “Charlie… you uh… you sure you wanna do this, babe?”

  Her head flung back and she exhaled a hard breath with a roll of her eyes like I was annoying her. I laughed as I sat down and watched her struggle to pick up her ball.

  “Yes, Knight. I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who is my strength.”

  “So… you’re just going to quote bible scriptures while you’re drunk? That’s what we’re doing now?”

  “I am not drunk. I’m a little tipsy, but I’m not drunk.”

  “Right. Have at it then.”

  Charlie stood there for a few seconds more, looking from one ball to the other, before picking hers up, dropping it, and giggling as she chased after it sideways. I laughed as I picked her up with one arm and grabbed the ball with my other hand.

  “Ima put you at the lane and you just roll the ball, Charlie.”

  “You are so strong, Knight,” she bit down on her lip as she stared at the side of my face. “You’re so freaking sexy too. And you’re my man?”

  “Shut up, Charlie.”

  “Are you blushing?” she grabbed my face but I fought against her because I was blushing and looking at her would only make it worse. “You are blushing. Awww, Knight!”

  Her lips on my neck had me rethinking this bowling thing again. I was tempted to take her to the car and take her, but I was enjoying the sight of tipsy Charlie way too much to end it just yet. At the lane, I placed her on her feet. She wobbled slightly and smiled as she tried to gain her balance.

  “Your tolerance is weak as hell, Charlie. I’m just trying to figure out how you’re drunk off two drinks.”

  “I’m not drunk! I’m…”

  “Tipsy. Right.”

  I handed her the ball and walked backwards to my seat. She took a few steps back, did this cute little Flintstone shimmy, ran down the lane, and busted her ass. I’m talking about she straight up ran past the line, went over onto the lane, and slipped and fell! Her uncoordinated ass dropped the ball on the opposite lane, sending it down the gutter while she laughed hysterically at her own self.

  I ran over to help her and ended up falling myself, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to make sure her crazy ass was good. We sat there, in the middle of this crowded bowling alley, laughing as if we had not one care in the world.

  “Why did you pass the line and do down the lane, Charlie? You know it’s slippery,” I asked when I was finally able to stop laughing.

  It took her a few seconds more to stop laughing. Tears were streaming down her face as she grabbed my shirt. I wiped them as she smiled and stared into my eyes.

  “You fell for me,” she whispered.

  In more ways than one. My smile softened as I caressed her cheek.

  “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

  She kissed me and sighed as her head shook.

  “Knight…”

  “No, it’s… we don’t have to go there, Charlie. It’s fine.”

  With a nod she pulled away from me and looked around at all of the people that were staring at us.

  “You make it so easy to fall for you, Knight. So easy.”

  Charlie got on her knees, then put her hands on the floor. She steadie
d herself and stood. Looking down at me, she extended her hand to help me get up. But there was something about it that seemed… cryptic. Like she would be helping me get up from a different fall. Falling for her. And that fall was one I didn’t want to get up from.

  I lied. Well, I didn’t really lie. I just didn’t tell Knight the whole truth. Last night at the bowling alley when he asked what the problem was I wasn’t completely honest. My workload had picked up quite a bit since I quit at Bundled, but I was kind of avoiding him. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be around him.

  It was the guilt. The gnawing guilt of wanting to tell him about me having his mother’s heart. It was the fear. The nagging fear of losing him when he found out. It was me trying to keep the words from slipping out of my mouth. Me trying not to have to ever experience his anger directed towards me.

  Knight was leaving today for the charity basketball game, and I was going to take full advantage of this space we were going to have. There was no way I’d be able to continue to be like this and he let me get away with it. He’d already called me out on it once and I was sure he’d have no problem calling me out on it again. While he was gone, I planned on getting myself together. When he came back I was going to tell him or get back to the way things were.

  But there would be no more of this pulling away from him.

  Period.

  I walked him out to his rental car and was surprised when he handed me the keys to his Lincoln. My forehead went into the center of his chest as I hugged him.

  “You’re really letting me drive your car?” I asked in disbelief.

  “Yes. I must really like you. Ion let nobody drive my cars.”

  “You let Harlem drive the Charger.”

  “That’s because I don’t drive it anymore. Her ass won’t be driving the Lincoln.”

  Looking into his eyes was pure ecstasy. I wanted to know the man behind those eyes the moment they looked into mine. The moment he pierced me with them. And the man that he showed me was nothing like what I was expecting. He was so much better.

  “Will you call one of us and let us know you’ve made it?”

  Knight nodded then kissed my forehead. He leaned against his rental, pulling me into his body and wrapping those strong chestnut brown arms around me along the way.

  “Are you gonna stay here with her while I’m gone?”

  “Do you want me to?”

  “Yea. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or what but she’s been a little emotional lately. I think it’ll do her some good to have you around. She talks to you more than she talks to me.”

  “I’ll stay then.”

  “So that means you’ll be here when I get back?” those hands… he ran those hands down my back and squeezed my ass. “You don’t know what having you here does to my soul. Every time I come home to the both of you…”

  His hands went from my bottom set of cheeks to the ones on my face. I watched in heavy anticipation as his head lowered to mine. His tongue was in my mouth quicker than it ever had been and I savored the feel of it until he pulled away.

  “You spoil us,” he mumbled as he pushed me away.

  “I love being here with the two of you.”

  That was true. It was like we had our own little family thing going on. On my light days I’d cook and we’d play games or watch movies. On my heavy days they would have food ready when I came home. No. I have got to stop saying that. When I came over. Harlem and I shopped and talked and just… vibed. She was like the little sister I always wanted.

  “And I don’t spoil y’all. I have nothing to spoil you with,” I continued.

  “You spoil us with you. With your love. Your energy. Your attention. Your affection. You’re like… the sunshine we’ve lacked after years of cloudy days.”

  “Knight…” the steps I took away from him were stopped by his hand grabbing my shirt and pulling me back into him. “That’s really sweet. You’re about to make me cry.”

  “It’s the truth, but I don’t want you to cry so I’ll head out.”

  “But now I really don’t want you to go.”

  I wanted to jump on him, but I would’ve hit my knees on the car since his back was against it. As if he was reading my mind, Knight pushed himself off the car and wrapped my legs around his waist.

  “I can see now you walking me to the car was not a good idea. Ima have to take you back in the house if I plan on leaving any time soon.”

  I chuckled and caressed the back of his head and neck as he carried me. His groans as I kissed all over his face and neck had my pussy soaking wet but it didn’t matter. There was nothing he could do about it now.

  Knight let me kiss him a few times more before putting me on my feet and prying my arms from around his neck. He kissed me quickly then pushed me into the house softly.

  “Go,” he ordered, shoving his hands into his pockets.

  “But…”

  “Go, Charlie. Before I change my mind and not take this flight.”

  “Fine.”

  I slammed the door in his face and leaned against it, smiling at the sound of him laughing as he walked away. My phone chimed in my pocket, so I pulled it out to read the text as I went back into Harlem’s room

  My Knight: You gon pay for slamming the door in my face when I get back.

  Looking forward to it ;)

  Today was the day for Harlem’s first pampering session. I was sure she’d be just like my other clients – wanting one every two weeks by the end of this one.

  “You ready?” I asked as I entered her room.

  “Yep!”

  Harlem hopped out of her bed and sat in the chair I had for her. I went to the bathroom to fill my foot massager and a bowl for her hands. When I returned she looked at me like she wanted to say something but was holding it in.

  If she wasn’t ready to ask or tell I wouldn’t force her to. I put her feet in the water and stood to get my brushes, scrubs, and butters out of my bag. She chose my chocolate mint scrub and body butter, so I put the rest in my bag and started her pedicure. I was at the point of scrubbing her left foot with the brush when she called my name.

  “Charlie?”

  “Yea?”

  “Do you love my brother?”

  The brush stopped in my hand as I looked up at her with a smirk.

  “Is that a trick question?”

  She shrugged.

  I returned my attention to her foot. Was I ready to have this conversation yet? Was I ready to acknowledge how I felt?

  “I was just wondering. Like… I don’t know like…” I looked at her again as she drummed her fingers on her thighs. “I don’t know what love is or what it looks like. So I was just wondering if you and Knight loved each other. If you all were my example of what love should be like. I’m trying to figure out how I feel about Tage but I don’t know what love is. Not this kind of love anyway.”

  Her confession tugged at the strings of my heart so hard I literally felt myself being pulled towards her with each word she spoke. I put the brush in the water and grabbed the towel to dry my hands and her feet.

  “Come… sit with me, Harlem.”

  We went into the den and sat next to each other. I wanted to see her face, so I turned slightly and pulled my left leg onto the couch.

  “OK, so… there are eight different types of love,” I started. “Let’s see if I can remember all eight. I did a paper on it for my psychology class in college and that feels like forever ago,” my eyes closed as I tried to remember all that I’d learned during my studying. “There’s eros which is Greek for erotic. It’s… it’s passion and sexual desire. Impulsive. Intense. Dangerous. It involves a lack of self-control. It’s powerful… but it’s so superficial that it can burn out quickly. It’s extremely selfish as it focuses on physical pleasure, lust, and infatuation. Its focus is on the body.

  The second is philia. Affectionate, brotherly love. It’s the love we have for friends and neighbors. It isn’t a romantic love nor does there have to
be physical attraction. It’s loyalty and connection without romantic intimacy. Its focus is on the mind.

  There’s storge or familiar love. It’s a natural affection and bond shared between family. Mother and child. Siblings. Childhood friends. It’s powerful just as eros love is, but because it’s not focused on self-gratification it’s a healthier form of love. It can be toxic, though. If your love for your family causes you to do things you shouldn’t be, or if you are so worried about them that you don’t live for yourself… it can do more harm than good.

  Ludus is playful, puppy love. It can have the same intensity and infatuation of eros but it’s less about sex and passion and more about feelings and teasing. It’s that love you feel when you get butterflies. Or your heart flutters and you get all nervous when he’s around. It’s innocent, playful, and childlike. Its focus is on emotion.

  The fifth kind of love is mania. Obsessive love. It’s the kind of love people have when you see them on Snapped. It’s extremely dangerous because people who experience this kind of love want to love and be loved so bad that they seek to find their worth and value and esteem in other people. Because of this, they are either possessive, jealous, and hostile… or they feel rejected when the love isn’t returned or their worth isn’t validated. It makes people dependent. Dependent. Angry. Impulsive. Dangerous.

  Pragma, or enduring love, is…”

  I smiled as the desire to experience this kind of love with Knight filled me.

  “It’s love that’s lasted and deepened with time. Love that has matured and been through some things and grew stronger because of it. It’s love that has been maintained. Fought for. Preserved. Guarded like the treasure that it is.

  The last two are two of my favorites.

  There’s philautia. Self-love. It brings to mind my most necessary scripture to remember. The twenty second chapter of Matthew. Verses thirty-seven through thirty-nine. When Jesus was asked what was the greatest commandment He said to love God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And He said that the second was like it – to love your neighbor as yourself.

  I didn’t realize until I was an adult that in order for me to love my neighbor as myself I had to love myself first. The order isn’t God, others, and then self. The order is God, self, then others.