Faith Hope and Love

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  Cassie didn’t bother to argue with him, instead she went into the small kitchen to turn on the refrigerator. The cabin at one time had been smaller and more rustic but over the years upgrades and additions had been added on. Cassie loved the cabin. It held lots of happy memories for her.

  She pushed aside lacy, cotton sky-blue curtains to look out the small window over the sink towards the lake. The moon was nearly full and its reflection moved like molten gold as the water rippled in the light evening breeze. Before she could stop it, her mind drifted back to another night, another full moon.

  They’d spent their honeymoon at the cabin. Most evenings they had wandered down to the dock and lay there looking up at the sky and the wondrous myriad of stars barely visible in the city but sparkling with diamond beauty in the dark country night.

  Words of love and affection had been whispered even though they were the only ones around for miles. It had been as if they’d not even wanted to share what existed between them with the creatures of the forest and the nature that surrounded them. It had been just the two of them. Closer to each other than they’d been with any other person before.

  Cassie reached out a hand towards the lake, stopping when her fingers brushed the cold, hard glass of the window. But even as her hand stopped, her memories did not.

  “I’ll love you forever, Sunshine,” Quinn whispered, the warmth of his breath caressing her ear. “Even when we’re old and gray, we’ll still come here and lie on the dock to watch the stars. I’ll hold you in my arms and tell you that even after all the years, I still love you.”

  Cassie’s heart swelled with love for the man who held her. God had blessed her the perfect match for her heart. She would never be happier than when he held her in his arms. “I love you too, Quinn. More than you’ll ever know.”

  “Cassie, my love…” Their lips met in a gentle kiss. “My darling Cassie…”

  “Cassie?”

  Startled, Cassie dropped her hand from the window and struggled to control herself before turning to face Quinn. Maybe coming to the cabin had been a big mistake. At one time the memories had brought her joy and happiness, a warmth and an anticipation of what the future held when Quinn returned. This time they left her feeling empty, hollowed out of everything, including hope.

  “You’ll have to tell me where you want this stuff,” Quinn told her, gesturing to the pile of bags near the doorway.

  Cassie nodded and moved out of the kitchen alcove. She didn’t look at Quinn as she approached the bags. “Mine and Jani’s can go in Jani’s room. You can have the loft. Any boxes probably have food in them so they, along with the cooler, can go right into the kitchen. I’ll go finish making up the beds.”

  Closing her mind to the past, Cassie got the set of sheets for the bed in the loft. Her feet felt weighted as she climbed the stairs to the large open loft area. A big picture window filled one wall and the moonlight gave almost sufficient light for her to make the bed. But Cassie didn’t want to make the bed in a room lit only by moonlight. It brought back memories of times they’d spent together in that loft, that bed, bathed in moonlight.

  Cassie hit the light switch with more force than necessary and was relieved when the harsh light dispelled the soft moonlight. If only memories could be dispelled as easily.

  Quickly pulling the sheets into place, Cassie tried hard to ignore the trembling of her hands. It just wasn’t fair, her mind raged. Tonight she should have been sharing the loft with Quinn. They should have been wrapped in each other’s arms and the love they shared but instead she’d be sleeping in a narrow bed downstairs…alone.

  Thankfully Quinn didn’t come up there while she made the bed. Cassie didn’t think she could handle her memories and him together in the loft. She left as soon as she finished making the bed and retreated downstairs. She saw boxes sitting on the counter in the kitchen and headed there to begin unpacking them.

  Quinn came out of the room where Jani slept. “Are you sure you want to sleep on that bed?”

  Cassie’s breath snagged in her lungs. What was he suggesting? “It will be fine.”

  “I can sleep on the couch and you could have the loft. You’d probably be more comfortable.”

  Cassie stared down at the can of pork and beans she held in her hand, the label swimming beneath her watery gaze. How many times in the months ahead would she get her hopes up only to have them smacked down?

  “I’ll be fine.” She turned without looking at Quinn and stuck the can in the cupboard.

  There was not enough money on the earth to pay her to sleep in the loft with Quinn in the same cabin, sleeping on the couch. In the past six years she had willingly slept in the loft even though it had been hard the first few times. The memories had brought her comfort and in the darkest moments of despair she had clung to them and allowed herself to dream of the future. Now that future lay shattered at her feet.

  Cassie didn’t think she had the strength to lie in that bed and not spend the whole night in tears. It didn’t appear Quinn would have the same problem.

  Half an hour later the kitchen boxes had been emptied. Cassie rotated her shoulders and rolled her head, trying to ease the weariness of her body. The emotions that filled her now were very reminiscent of the ones she’d gone through when Quinn had first been taken hostage. Despair, grief, anger. The list went on and on. Last time there had been some hope but that night Cassie just wasn’t sure if any hope remained for their future. Quinn was so distant with her. Not with his sister, not with Jani, only with her.

  Cassie took a deep breath to try to control the pain. She couldn’t fall apart yet. She couldn’t let Quinn see the pain that had overtaken her. At one time he would have taken her into his arms and held her, whispering soothing words of comfort in her ear. But Cassie was afraid that now he’d see her pain and turn away. She wasn’t sure if she could survive that.

  She heard the pipes creak as Quinn turned on the water in the upper bathroom. She finished emptying the cooler Renee had made for them. Even though she hadn’t eaten since earlier in the day, Cassie wasn’t hungry. She figured anything she ate just wouldn’t sit well with her stomach.

  Cassie shoved the empty boxes and cooler into the small pantry and headed for her room. Jani lay sprawled, sound asleep on the opposite bed. Cassie stared down at her little daughter and thanked God for giving Jani to her. Once again, Jani would be her reason for continuing on. She would be strong for her. Cassie would do her best to try and make whatever situation Quinn wanted to work…for Jani’s sake. Her daughter was the most important thing right now.

  Cassie brushed aside a tendril of hair from Jani’s cheek and pressed a soft kiss to her satin skin. Oh, for the sleep of an innocent child. Cassie didn’t think her slumber that night would be as peaceful or as deep as Jani’s.

  Turning away, Cassie focused on their bags. Moving quietly she began to unpack them, putting their things in the chest of drawers that stood against the wall.

  She heard the water shut off and then Quinn’s footsteps as he walked into the loft. He moved around for a while then the cabin fell silent.

  Cassie finished unpacking and took the sweat suit she planned to sleep in to the bathroom with her. She took a quick shower and changed, turning off the lights as she made her way back to her room. She glanced at the stairs to the loft from which glowed a soft light. They hadn’t even said goodnight.

  Back in her own bed, Cassie said a brief prayer and tried to fall asleep.

  Unfortunately, it didn’t come and finally Cassie gave up. She left the bedroom and with a knowledge born of many nights spent in the cabin, Cassie avoided the squeaky boards in the floor as she made her way to the front door. She found her jacket and slipped her feet into shoes she’d left by the door earlier and headed out of the cabin.

  Cassie started to head for the dock but veered off and instead went to the large rock that jutted out over the water. Following a path illuminated by the moonlight, Cassie made her way to the rock and climbed up
onto it.

  The cool, hard surface of the rock greeted her as she sat down. Cassie bent her knees and pulled them close to her chest, chin resting on them. With weary eyes she stared out across the water.

  Nature sang its chorus all around her and serenity filled the air. Cassie longed for the same serenity in her soul. Instead emotions she didn’t want to have to deal with filled her heart.

  What was she going to do? With every passing hour she spent in Quinn’s presence it became more and more apparent he didn’t want things the way they used to be. But what did he want?

  Cassie was too afraid to ask. Too afraid because it might mean all her dreams would be broken beyond repair. Dreams of being a family again. Dreams of adding to their family. She longed for another baby. This time she wanted to go through her pregnancy with Quinn by her side. It didn’t look like that was going to happen.

  The golden moonlight blurred, and Cassie blinked. Against the cool of the evening air, the tear that slid down her cheek felt scalding. She brushed it away but another soon followed. And then another. Finally she gave in to the agony in her heart.

  She lowered her forehead onto her arms and let her grief spill out.

  *****

  Quinn shifted restlessly on the bed. Unlike the previous nights, unfamiliarity with the bed did not cause all his restlessness. As soon as he’d turned off the light, moonlight and memories flooded him.

  They were memories he didn’t want to deal with. Memories he didn’t know how to deal with. A different man had made those memories. What was he supposed to do with them? He couldn’t shove them aside as easily as he had in the past few days. The memories in his mind now were vivid and full of emotion.

  Quinn swung his feet over the side of the bed and stood. There was no way he could get any sleep in that bed tonight. The floor would be just fine.

  He picked up the pillow and blanket and tossed them on the floor. Instead of lying right down, Quinn found himself drawn to the large window through which the moonlight spilled. He planned to pull the curtains to darken the room and hopefully remove the atmosphere that was creating unwanted memories. As he reached for the edge of the curtain his gaze fell on a huddled figure on the large rock near the water’s edge.

  Cassie.

  What was she doing out there at that time of night? He hadn’t even heard her leave the cabin.

  Quinn moved closer to the window and watched her sitting there, head bent and shoulders hunched. Part of him, a part he’d thought long dead, suddenly longed to go to her. To hold her close and comfort her. But how could he comfort her when he was the source of all her pain? And how could he comfort her when he couldn’t offer her what she wanted? Her husband back.

  Quinn suppressed the urge to smash his hand against the glass. Anger coursed through him for all he’d lost.

  Minutes passed and still he stood there. And still Cassie sat motionless on the rock. Finally her head lifted and she stared out across the lake. She rubbed a hand across her cheek and Quinn assumed it was to rub away tears she had shed.

  He watched as she slowly stood and moved off the rock. His gaze followed her progress through the moonlight. At one point she glanced up at the window and paused. Quinn didn’t think she could see him but still he stepped to the side, out of the wash of moonlight. Her head lowered and she continued her walk back to the cabin. This time he heard her moving around downstairs.

  As Quinn stood there he knew he owed Cassie some sort of idea of what he viewed the future holding for them. The longer he held off, the more likely she was to get her hopes up about things working out between them. Little did she know how unlikely that was.

  Maybe once she knew the depth of his failure and lack of his faith she’d understand. But could he bare his soul so completely? At one time he would have told Cassie anything. But now everything had changed.

  Quinn glanced out the window one last time. Everything.

  *****

  “Mama! Mama!” Cassie woke to Jani’s impatient voice. “Is my daddy still here?”

  Cassie rolled over to face her daughter. “Yes, Sweetheart, he’s still here. He’s sleeping in the loft.”

  “Can I see him?”

  With a sigh, Cassie sat up, all hope of sleeping in pretty much gone. “I don’t know if he’s awake yet. Why don’t you go out quietly and see if he’s in the living room. But don’t go upstairs in case he still wants to sleep.”

  Jani nodded and quickly left the room.

  Cassie swung her legs over the side of the bed, slipped her hands under her thighs and stared down at her toes. She didn’t want to face the day, didn’t want to face Quinn but hiding wouldn’t help any.

  Resolutely she stood and made their beds. Before leaving the room she changed into a pair of jeans and a loose sweater and ran a brush through her hair.

  As soon as she opened the door she heard voices and knew Quinn was awake already.

  “Can you make pancakes?” Cassie heard Jani ask.

  “I used to make them but it’s been a while. I think you’d be better off waiting for your mom.”

  Cassie remembered well the pancakes he’d brought to her the morning after their wedding. He’d covered them with whipped cream and strawberries. They had been absolutely scrumptious.

  More memories. Would they ever end?

  “Hi, Mama!” Jani skipped towards her. “Can I have pancakes for breakfast? Daddy said you should make them and not him.”

  “Your dad makes great pancakes but I don’t mind making them for you this morning.” Cassie chanced a glance at Quinn, wondering if he had the same memory as she did of that morning.

  Quinn’s eyes narrowed, his gaze hardening. Cassie looked away. She wanted to see joy in his eyes at the memories, not hardness. Just another reality she had to face. Quinn didn’t want to dwell on the past, didn’t want to regain the past. What did that mean for their future?

  “Can I help you make them?” Jani asked, already digging through the cupboard for a bowl.

  “If you’d like.” Grateful for the distraction, Cassie moved to help Jani get the ingredients together.

  Cassie heard the front door close and looked up to find Quinn gone. She looked out the window and saw him heading for the dock.

  When the pancakes were done she sent Jani out to get him while she poured the coffee. Quinn came back holding Jani’s hand and listening intently to her chatter.

  Once they were seated Jani bowed her head and immediately began to pray. Cassie, a little slow to respond, noted that Quinn was even slower.

  Their pancakes that morning were served simply with butter and syrup. Cassie wished she had brought cream and strawberries to go with them. Part of her just longed to shove their memories in Quinn’s face. Maybe then he’d quit acting like none of it ever happened. Maybe then he’d realize they had something worth fighting for.

  "Do you play checkers, Daddy?" Jani asked as she finished off her first pancake.

  “I've played a game or two in my life," Quinn replied with a nod.

  "Will you play with me?" Jani leaned forward eagerly. "Mama isn't a very good player. Auntie Renee taught me and now I can beat Mama."

  "I used to play checkers with your Aunt Renee a lot when we were younger. I hope she didn't teach you to cheat."

  Jani just looked at him, a questioning expression on her face. "Cheat?"

  "I don’t think Renee has gotten to that lesson yet," Cassie said with a small grin. "Probably wants her to get the finer points of the game down before teaching her to cheat."

  "You never bothered with the finer points," Quinn reminded her. "You went right to cheating."

  "Hey, I didn't have a chance against you. Cheating was the only way to ensure I'd win at least one game now and then. I was always the one paying the penalties..." Cassie's voice trailed away as she remembered the kisses she'd given as her penalty for losing.

  Quinn must have remembered as well because he wasted no time in turning his attention back to Jani. "We can play a
game after breakfast. How's that sound?"

  Jani grinned at him. "Good. Can I have another pancake, Mama?"

  Once the last pancake had been devoured, the three of them cleared off the table. Cassie insisted Jani and Quinn go play their checkers game while she did the dishes. For a few short moments she could imagine all was well in her world.

  She listened as Jani chatted to Quinn in the living room where they were setting up the board. Cassie wondered if Quinn found her chatter annoying. Jani was usually a pretty quiet kid…until she got warmed up, then nothing could stop her

  The game was soon underway but over pretty quickly.

  "Well, Sunshine, I can't believe you beat me," Quinn said in an astonished voice.

  Cassie wanted to grin at the incredulity in his voice but there was too much pain in her heart. Sunshine. That had been his nickname for her. How could he call Jani that?

  A shaft of jealousy shot through Cassie for which she was immediately remorseful. How could she be jealous of her own daughter? Jani had never known her father but Cassie had had several years with him before he'd been kidnapped. She should be thrilled to see the close relationship developing between father and daughter. And she was...except for that small corner of her heart that cried out for Quinn's love and attention for herself.

  It had been less than a week since he'd been released. His relationship with Renee seemed to have quickly fallen back into its old tenor in the short time they’d been together. His new relationship with Jani was good, but he hadn't shown Cassie any sign of affection or of wanting their relationship to go back to the way it had been.

  "We're going for a walk, Mama."

  Cassie looked down to see her daughter standing at her elbow. While she'd been lost in thought they had finished another game and she'd done up the rest of the dishes.

  "Okay, sweetheart. You have fun."

  "Aren't you going to come with us?" Jani asked, a furrow creasing her brow.

  Cassie glanced up to where Quinn stood, not wanting to invite herself along if he preferred she didn't come. Quinn shrugged, his expression unreadable.