Faith Hope and Love

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  Relieved, Cassie picked up her purse and followed the men and Cecily out the door. A bellhop stood waiting to take their bags down to the lobby. Within fifteen minutes they had checked out and were on their way to the airport.

  Aaron and Cecily came into the airport terminal with them. Since there was time before their flight left, they decided to have a quick coffee.

  *****

  Quinn stared at the crush of people walking within the airport. Everywhere he looked there were people. More people than he had seen in the past six years. Combined.

  Plane arrival and departure announcements blared over the speakers, interrupting the elevator music that played. It was a cacophony of noise to Quinn’s ears.

  Quinn shifted on the padded seat. He tried to push aside the longing for the solitude and peace and quiet of the jungle but it was there and couldn’t be ignored. He hoped it was just the shocking comparison of coming from the jungle to a chaotic city like LA and that it would pass as he got used to being back among people.

  A hand touched his arm.

  “Quinn?”

  Looking away from the crowds, Quinn saw concern in Cassie’s eyes.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  Quinn nodded, wondering how many times he was going to hear that question. “Just anxious to get home.”

  “Another few hours and we’ll be there. We’ll take my car to Renee’s house. She said she’ll have everything ready for us to go to the cabin.”

  Relief eased some of the tension from Quinn. He was glad to finally be leaving behind the three-ring circus he’d been a part of since his release.

  “Did you want to see your mom before we head out to the cabin?” Cassie asked.

  Quinn glanced back at the people walking by. “Will she know I’m there?”

  “It depends on the day. Sometimes she remembers but those days are becoming fewer and fewer. Unfortunately.”

  “I’d like to wait a little while longer. I don’t want her to see me like this. I need to just…relax.”

  “We can go after our time up at the cabin, or sooner if you feel up to it.”

  Quinn nodded but remained silent.

  By the time they had finished their coffee it was time to board the plane. Aaron and Cecily walked with them as far as security.

  “We’ll be praying for you both and Jani too as you settle in,” Aaron said. He hugged Cassie. “If you need anything, anything at all, please call.”

  “I will.” Cassie moved to hug Cecily. “You’re on my speed dial.”

  Quinn took Cassie’s bag from Aaron and they walked through security.

  They spent most the flight in silence. What they needed to talk about wasn’t suitable conversation for a plane trip and there just wasn’t any small talk Quinn could come up with. He wanted the flight to be over and to finally meet his daughter. It couldn’t be soon enough.

  To help pass the time, Quinn read the newspapers the stewardess had offered, eager to learn everything he could about what had happened while he had been out of touch with the rest of the world.

  *****

  Cassie was glad when the plane finally touched down at the Twin Cities airport. Thankfully their bags were among the first to begin the trip around the baggage carousel so it wasn’t long before they left the terminal.

  A rush of cool, damp air greeted them as they walked out of the building. Dark clouds obscured the sunshine and they had to walk around puddles that lay on the sidewalk. Though it was still technically summer, the day held a moist chill from the cloudy rainy sky.

  Cassie led the way to where she’d left her SUV in the long-term parking. She was glad to get inside, sheltered from the cold wind.

  They had about an hour’s trip ahead of them depending on traffic. As Cassie had anticipated, Quinn remained silent but this time she didn’t. “Jani is so excited to meet you. She knows all about you and has looked forward to this moment for as long as she has understood why you weren’t home.”

  Quinn looked at her. “But you told her all about the person I was. I’m a different person now.”

  Pain lanced through Cassie’s heart. She knew it was true but to hear him actually say the words hurt. “She’ll still love you, Quinn. You’re her daddy, no matter how you’ve changed.”

  Without saying anything more, Quinn turned toward the side window. Cassie kept her gaze on the road and her hands clenched on the wheel. Was there anything she could do to make this easier for Quinn and Jani? She just wanted Jani to have her daddy and for Quinn to have his daughter. For them to be a family.

  Cassie didn’t bother to pursue conversation for the rest of the trip. It was too emotional to deal with when her attention was divided. She breathed a sigh of relief when she finally turned onto Renee’s street.

  “We’re here,” she said softly, turning the vehicle into the driveway.

  She climbed out and waited for Quinn. Together they headed for the front door. She’d asked Renee to keep Jani inside so their first meeting was out of sight of any prying eyes that might be lurking around.

  Cassie reached for the doorbell, closing her eyes to say a quick prayer just before she pressed it. How badly she wanted this to go well. For all their sakes.

  The door swung open, and Cassie got a glimpse of her sister-in-law’s eager face. She stepped into the hallway and passed Renee so Quinn could follow. The door closed and as Cassie turned, she saw Renee throw herself into brother’s arms. There was no hesitation on Quinn’s part as he wrapped his arms around his sister and buried his face in her hair.

  Cassie reached out a hand to the wall. Her heart clenched with pain as she watched them. He’d had no such embrace for her. And this embrace was lasting far longer than theirs had.

  Afraid she would burst into tears, Cassie left them alone in the hall. She dropped her purse on a chair in the living room before heading up to the bedroom where Jani usually stayed. She had asked Renee to let her talk with Jani first before introducing her to Quinn.

  The door to the room was open, and Cassie could see her small daughter standing next to the window. She had probably seen them arrive since the window faced the front street.

  “Hi, sweetheart,” Cassie said softly.

  Jani spun around and darted across the room to throw herself into Cassie’s embrace. Holding her daughter tightly, Cassie drew some comfort in knowing that even if her husband didn’t love her, her daughter did.

  “I missed you so much, Mama.” Jani lifted her face for Cassie’s kiss.

  Cassie smoothed a few loose strands of hair from her small face. “I missed you too. More than you’ll ever know.” Keenly aware that Quinn was waiting downstairs, Cassie dropped to her knees in front of Jani. “You know your daddy’s here, right?”

  Jani nodded, her eyes wide.

  “He’s waiting downstairs to meet you. Are you ready to meet him?”

  After the slightest hesitation, Jani nodded.

  Cassie stood and took her daughter’s hand. Slowly they left the room and descended the stairs to meet the stranger who was Jani’s father.

  *****

  Quinn sat on the edge of the soft couch in Renee’s living room. His heart pounded with the anticipation of meeting his daughter for the first time.

  “She’s been so anxious to meet you, Quinn. She’s talked of nothing else since Cassie left the other day.”

  “I’m anxious too but a little worried. I’m not the same person you and Cassie knew six years ago. What if Jani doesn’t like who I am?”

  “She will,” Renee stated confidently. “You’re her daddy and that’s all that matters.”

  Movement at the doorway of the living room drew Quinn’s attention. Cassie stood there with a little girl at her side.

  “Jani, this is your daddy,” Cassie said softly. With a hand on Jani’s back she moved toward Quinn.

  Quinn looked into Jani’s eyes and saw no fear, just an assessing look as she took him in.

  “Hi, Jani. I’m glad to finally meet yo
u.”

  Jani’s head cocked to the side for a moment and then straightened. “Your hair’s different.”

  Quinn lifted a hand to his cropped hair. “Yes, it was easier to have it short like this. Do you mind?”

  Jani smiled and shook her head. Tentatively she took a step toward him but Quinn made no move to reach out to draw her close. He wanted her to feel perfectly comfortable with him and for her to be the one to make the first move.

  “Are you home forever?” she asked.

  “I certainly hope so. If I leave again, I’ll be taking you with me.”

  “And Mommy too?”

  Quinn hesitated, wishing he had the reassurances Jani wanted. He didn’t want to lie to her but he also didn’t want to get into what the future held just yet. “And Mommy too.”

  Seeming satisfied with his answers, Jani approached him until she stood next to his knee. Quinn held his breath as she reached out and stroked his cheek with her hand.

  “My friend’s daddy holds her on his lap. Will you do that too?”

  “If that’s what you want.” Quinn finally made a move of his own and reach out to touch her soft curls. “Would you like me to hold you now?”

  Jani nodded and raised her arms so he could lift her onto his knee. As he lifted her, Quinn was instantly reminded of just how much time he’d lost with his daughter. The first time a father held his child should be as an infant, not as a five-year old. Bitterness filled his throat.

  He hadn’t held her just moments after she’d taken her first breath. He hadn’t been able to cuddle her close and smell that special baby smell. He hadn’t seen her roll over for the first time or when she’d been cranky while cutting her first tooth. He hadn’t been the one to catch and encourage her as she’d taken her first tentative steps. He’d missed so much.

  God, why couldn’t you have answered my prayers sooner? You knew I had a daughter waiting at home for me. Did she deserve to spend the past five years without her father?

  Quinn knew then wasn’t the time or the place to let his bitterness flow. He tamped it down and tried to concentrate on the beautiful, sweet smelling little girl he held in his arms.

  He was vaguely aware of Cassie leaving the room although Renee stayed, encouraging Jani to tell him about different things in her life.

  Within five minutes Quinn knew his daughter loved chocolate and broccoli but hated green beans and carrots. She knew how to ride a bike but still had to have the “baby wheels” as she called them. She loved to draw but had gotten in trouble for coloring on the wall of her room.

  Quinn held her close. Suddenly he was eager to get to the cabin and learn even more about his daughter. He stood, still holding Jani in his arms. “I think we’d better go, Renee. We still have a couple hours to go to get to the cabin.”

  Renee nodded and smiled ruefully. “I really hate to see you go so soon but I understand. Maybe I’ll come up on Sunday.”

  “That would be great.”

  “I’ll just go get Cassie. Everything is packed and ready to go. It’s all in the garage just waiting to be loaded.”

  Cassie met them in the hallway leading to the garage. “Do you need to go to the bathroom before we leave, Jani?”

  Jani nodded. Quinn relinquished her to Cassie so she could take care of business before they left.

  Fifteen minutes later they were on their way. Quinn wished he could have driven but realized it was impossible since he didn’t have a valid driver’s license. Instead he took the passenger seat of the SUV and turned so he could see Jani where she sat just behind Cassie.

  Jani smiled at him, a wide-open grin. Quinn couldn’t help but respond even though the muscles of his face protested the action. Smiling hadn’t been something he’d done an awful lot of over the past few years.

  Not long into their trip Jani’s head began to bob and soon she was sound asleep with her head against the side of her seat. Quinn watched her for a while longer before turning his attention away from Jani. His gaze settled on Cassie, and he sensed a shift in her mood from earlier.

  Her face seemed a little paler than it had been and there was tightness around her eyes and mouth he didn’t recall seeing before. Clearly something was bothering her. At one time he would have asked and then cajoled it out of her but this time he just turned his attention to the scenery outside the window. He didn’t have the energy to deal with it.

  Quinn didn’t want to think about Cassie and their marriage. It had been great to see Renee and they had fallen right back into their brother-sister relationship. Things with Jani were great and could only get better as far as Quinn was concerned, but he didn’t know what to do about his relationship with Cassie.

  Renee loved him because he was her brother and that relationship was there no matter what. Jani loved him because he was the father she’d always wanted. But Cassie…

  How could he expect her to love him when he didn’t know if he could ever return the feelings? He wasn’t the man she’d married nine years ago. He wasn’t the man she’d fallen in love with. How on earth could they just pick up where they’d left off as if nothing had happened? And if they weren’t just going to pick up, where did they start?

  Quinn had no answers for his own questions and somehow he doubted Cassie did either. The scariest part for Quinn was thinking that perhaps he could never love that way again. His hostage ordeal had killed a lot of what he’d held dear six years ago. His love for Cassie and his faith in God.

  One he wasn’t sure he’d ever get back and the other he wasn’t sure he wanted to get back. But if he could find that love for Cassie again, could she accept him even if he didn’t share her faith in God? Somehow Quinn didn’t think she’d understand. At that moment it just seemed easiest to think about his relationships with Renee and Jani. They were straightforward and uncomplicated, and that was what he needed very badly.

  Surely Cassie could wait another few weeks before they started working on their own relationship. It would give them time to get to know each other again and to find out what they wanted from each other. Quinn just hoped Cassie wouldn’t ask for more before he was ready because he just wasn’t sure he had it within himself to give.

  He glanced over at her and again the bitterness began to rise. Why had God allowed him to be robbed of so many precious things? He had gone to the mission field prepared to serve God there for the rest of his life, but God had repaid his faithfulness by abandoning him for almost six years.

  Quinn didn’t think he could forgive God for that. He had lost too much. Most of which he’d never again regain. That chapter of his life was closed. It was time to move on. Without God and possibly without Cassie. He didn’t like to think about life without Cassie but he had to face reality and that reality was that Cassie probably wouldn’t want a relationship with him if she knew just how much of his faith he had lost.

  Quinn wasn’t sure he would ever again search after God with his whole heart. Not even for Cassie.

  Trying to push aside the overwhelming thoughts, Quinn picked up the bundle of papers and magazines Renee had handed him as they walked out of the house. Again he drank in the news and information they contained. His attention and emotions were being pulled in so many different directions. Quinn felt he would never get a grasp on everything.

  Chapter Four

  “Do you want something to eat?” Cassie asked, briefly taking her gaze from the straight stretch of road in front of them. “Renee packed us a cooler of stuff since we arrived right at supper time.”

  Quinn shook his head. “I’m not terribly hungry. I’ll grab a bite when we get to the cabin.”

  He turned his attention back to the paper and silence once again filled the interior of the car.

  Cassie took a deep breath then forced the air out past tense lips, relaxing her grip on the steering wheel. Tension still hung thick and heavy in the SUV. Part of her wanted to fill the tense silence with conversation about something, anything, but Quinn sat silent beside her, his head buried
in a newspaper. And the bottom line was she had no idea what to talk to Quinn about. So much had changed in six years.

  The sun set as Cassie maneuvered the vehicle along the now winding road that led to the cabin, thankful the long summer evening had provided light for most the trip. She breathed a sigh of relief when she finally pulled the vehicle to a stop in front of the cabin that had been in her dad’s family for several generations. She quickly stepped out, leaving the headlights on to illuminate the way to the cabin since there were no streetlights out this far.

  “Why don’t I carry her,” Quinn suggested as he came around the side of the SUV where she stood, opening Jani’s door. “She’s probably a bit heavy for you.”

  Cassie started to remind him she’d managed just fine for the past six years lifting Jani by herself but she held her tongue. That reminder would serve no purpose but to increase the already tense situation between them. She stepped aside so Quinn could lean in and lift the tiny girl into his arms.

  Cassie hurried ahead of him and climbed the rough-hewn wooden steps to the porch of the cabin. She unlocked the front door and pushed it open, fumbling for the switch. Light flooded the room just as Quinn stepped through the doorway.

  “Can you hold her a minute while I go turn off the headlights and get her bed made up?” Cassie asked, glancing towards the door leading off the living room.

  Quinn nodded and slowly sank into one of the armchairs near the fireplace. Cassie hurried out to the SUV, flipping on the porch light as she went. Once she’d turned the vehicle off, Cassie returned to the cabin. She went to the closet in the bedroom and pulled down the box that held the bedding for the cabin. She made quick work of the single bed before calling Quinn to bring Jani in. Cassie decided to not try to change Jani out of her sweat suit since the nights could be cool anyway and she didn’t want to waken her.

  Once Quinn placed Jani on the bed Cassie covered her with the blanket, then switched on the small lamp on the night table. She turned off the bright overhead light as they left the room.

  “I’ll get the bags from the car,” Quinn said as he strode towards the front door.