Faith Hope and Love

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  The hammer slipped and hit Quinn’s thumb. Instead of getting upset, he welcomed the pain. It distracted him from the pain in his heart and the turmoil in his mind.

  It didn’t last long. Eventually the throbbing settled into a dull ache and again the pain in Quinn’s heart came to the forefront.

  How well he remembered the night they’d committed themselves to each other and to the ministry. He rested the hammer against his thigh and stared out at the street.

  He’d picked Cassie up from the hospital where she’d just finished a twelve-hour shift as an OB nurse. Cassie hadn’t been too tired so he’d taken her for a drive to the nearby park.

  “I’m sorry I missed the meeting tonight,” Cassie said, stretching from side to side before she sat down on the bench of a picnic table. “It was a long shift. I’d rather have been with you.”

  “The meeting tonight was great. It was a missionary from Africa that spoke. He was so powerful.” Quinn moved to sit on the table behind her and began to massage her shoulders. “Last night’s speaker was good but tonight, I don’t know, this man just spoke with such emotion.”

  “That feels good.” Cassie hung her head forward giving him access to the back of her neck. “Hopefully the speaker tomorrow night will be as good.”

  “I hope so too. Will you be able to get Saturday evening off so you can come to the closing banquet?”

  “Yep. I switched shifts with another nurse today. I’ll have to work Sunday in order to have the Saturday off.”

  Quinn continued to rub her shoulders and neck, wondering how to continue. He had something so important he needed to say to her. To ask her.

  “Do you ever think you could be a missionary?” he finally asked.

  Cassie nodded. “Ever since listening to the first speaker Monday night I’ve been thinking about it. I know they have a need for nurses in some countries. I’ve really been praying about it.”

  Quinn smiled. That was the answer he’d hoped for. He slid off the table and moved around to stand in front of Cassie. “I’ve been praying about it too. I really feel the Lord is leading me into full-time missions. There’s a real desire in my heart to serve the Lord on the mission field for the rest of my life.”

  Cassie looked up at him and smiled. “That’s wonderful, Quinn. I’m glad we’re both feeling the same way.”

  “Me, too.” Quinn dropped down onto one knee in front of Cassie and pulled the velvet pouch from his front pocket.

  “Quinn?” Cassie’s voice trembled.

  He worked the simple ring from the pouch and held it up between his thumb and finger. “Cassie, would you do me the honor of standing by my side in service to the Lord?”

  “Oh Quinn, yes.” Cassie reached out and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I love you, Quinn. I want nothing more than to be your wife and to serve the Lord with you.”

  Quinn embraced her and then moved back and took her left hand in his. “I love you, Cassandra, and thank God for putting a desire parallel to mine in your heart.” He slid the ring onto her finger and lifted it to his lips.

  His heart rejoiced to know that he and the woman he loved would be serving the Lord together. Thank you, God.

  Quinn lifted a hand and rubbed his chest. It had been an awfully long time since he’d felt such joy. A part of him really wanted to feel that joy again. The joy of the Lord. But it would require letting go of the anger he’d held onto for five long years. Anger at God. How could he ever forgive God for robbing him of six precious years with his family?

  The anger began to build and overshadowed the pain. That was good, Quinn told himself. Focus on the anger, not the pain. The only thing that could ease the pain was to reunite with Cassie. And that wasn’t going to happen because she needed a man of faith, and faith was something Quinn didn’t have. And didn’t want.

  He lifted the hammer and pounded once again with more force than necessary. He couldn’t have what he wanted. Cassie couldn’t have what she wanted. It seemed they were destined to be unfulfilled.

  Even though he was unwilling to let go of his anger, Quinn knew he did have to deal with the other trauma of the six years of being a hostage. For Jani’s sake, he needed to get some help. He wanted to be able to put the past behind him and move forward with his daughter. He wanted the nightmares to go away.

  They’d been coming with alarming regularity over the past couple of weeks. It was strange that after that first night in the hotel he’d had none but recently they’d begun to fill his nights.

  He’d wake up in a sweat, heart pounding, sure he’d look around and find himself alone, behind the bars of his cage. Reality would soon reassure him that he was not in the cage. He had a comfortable bed beneath him. A thick blanket to ward off the cold. Four walls that protected him from the elements.

  But he was still alone. He longed to feel Cassie’s arms around him, her soft voice reassuring him that everything was going to be okay. But nothing was going to be okay. He was going to have to give up the woman he loved in order for her to live the life God had called her too.

  "Do you want some lunch?" Cassie came out onto the porch where he was cleaning up the tools.

  Quinn looked at her through newly opened eyes. He allowed himself to see the gentle, loving woman he'd fallen in love with and for a brief moment he was almost ready to tell her he wanted to move home. He didn’t want to deal with the spiritual side of things. He didn’t want to think about Cassie’s calling to the mission field. He just wanted to be back with his family.

  Needing to get away before he did something stupid, Quinn turned down lunch. "I need to do a few things at Renee's. I'll be back in time to pick Jani up from school."

  "Okay." Cassie stood with her arms crossed, a confused look on her face.

  Quinn wished he could tell her everything but he needed to do a few things by himself first. "I'll just leave the tools in the garage because there's still quite a few things I want to do around here."

  "You don't have to do all this, Quinn."

  "I'm enjoying it, to be honest. It's giving me something productive to do. Otherwise I'd just be sitting around on my duff getting bored." Quinn wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt. "Renee has a few things she wants me to do too. A man's work is never done."

  Quinn finished putting away the tools and then headed for Renee's. He wasn't sure where to start so he put in a call to the pastor of Cassie's church.

  "Hello Reverend Stiles, this is Quinn MacIntyre, Cassie's… husband."

  "Quinn, it's good to hear from you. We've been praying for you during this difficult time of adjustment. Is there something I can help you with?"

  "Yes, actually. I need a recommendation for a good counselor."

  "A counselor?"

  "Yes. I'm sure Cassie has told you about what's been going on with me."

  "She has come to me to share in confidence what was on her heart," Reverend Stiles confirmed.

  "Well, I hope that you, in confidence, could recommend a counselor for me."

  "There are a couple that I could recommend. I had given the names to Cassie before. Does she not have them anymore?"

  Quinn cleared his throat. "Well, I'm kind of doing this on my own. Cassie doesn't know. I want to work through a few things myself."

  "I suppose that's a good idea although I know she would be supportive of whatever you decided."

  "I know. She's been nothing but understanding and supportive even when what I decided was not what she wanted. I want to do this now for our daughter. I know I need to deal with the past so I can move forward.” Quinn hesitated, knowing the hardest part was coming. Maybe he shouldn’t have phoned a pastor with this request. “I need a counselor that’s willing to work on everything but the spiritual."

  There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. “I see. Okay. Well, I’ll still give you the names I would have given you before that qualification, simply because they are the best. You can make it clear to them what you do and don’t want to d
iscuss.

  “I would really suggest Amanda and Steve Taylor as the best ones to contact. They’ve worked with several people trying to recover from traumatic experiences like yours. I think you’ll find them helpful in your situation.”

  Quinn wrote down the names and numbers the reverend had. "Thanks, I'll give them a call and see if they have any openings. Are they the ones Cassie is using for her counseling?"

  "No, I don’t think she’s ever met with Amanda and Steve. She had her own counselor, recommended by the mission, I believe.” The pastor cleared his throat. “If you decide to go with Amanda and Steve, you can tell them I sent you."

  "I will."

  "Be sure and call me at any time, Quinn. I want to help in any way I can. Cassie has been an active member of the church and has helped many people. We want to see her, and you, happy."

  After he hung up the phone Quinn sat and stared at the numbers, hoping he was making the right decision. He wondered if the counselors would be understanding of the limitations of what he wanted to work on.

  The paper crumpled beneath his fingers. He closed his eyes and blew out a breath. It was just too much. God, why did you allow this to happen? Why couldn’t I have had these past few years with my family? Why did you take that away from me?

  Quinn opened his eyes and picked up the phone to dial the number for the Taylors. Fifteen minutes later he hung up the phone. He had his appointment but unfortunately, because he'd wanted to get in right away, he'd had to take an evening appointment since they’d just had a cancellation for that time spot. Otherwise they were full for the next week. Quinn had hoped he’d be able to do it during the day so he wouldn’t lose any time with Jani but it looked like for this first appointment anyway, he’d have to take the evening appointment.

  Cassie was subdued that afternoon when he picked her up. Jani, on the other hand, was bubbling over with excitement about her day. She rattled on and on about the friends she’d made, the things she had done and how excited she was for the next day.

  Quinn was glad she’d done so well and hoped it didn’t take Cassie as long to adjust to her daughter being in school. He also wanted to talk to her about the decisions he’d made and he didn’t think he could do it when she was in such an emotional state over Jani going to school.

  He hated that he was going to add to her distress but it couldn’t be helped. In the long run it was going to be better for her.

  *****

  Cassie stared at Quinn. "You won't be here for supper?"

  Quinn shook his head. "I'm sorry but I have to uh...do something."

  Trying to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach, Cassie nodded. She didn't want to think about why Quinn was missing dinner. He hadn't missed one yet since he'd been back. Every night he was faithfully at the table with her and Jani. And the fact that he wasn’t telling her the exact reason for his absence just made her mind go a little nuts with speculation.

  "I'd like to take Jani to McDonald's tomorrow for breakfast to celebrate her first week of school."

  "I'm sure she'll love that."

  "Great. I'll still pick Jani up from school and you up from work and take you both home. Can I borrow the SUV or do you need it tonight?"

  "No, I don't need it."

  "I'll just bring it back tomorrow morning."

  "Okay." Cassie gathered her stuff and opened the door to get out of the car. "See you later."

  That Friday was the longest day in history for Cassie. She was constantly thinking about why Quinn was missing dinner that night. She mentioned it in passing when she phoned Renee during her lunch break but Renee didn't have any information either.

  Quinn seemed especially upbeat when he picked her up later that afternoon. Jani was disappointed when he told her he wouldn't be there for dinner that night but perked up at the mention of her favorite restaurant.

  Cassie didn't sleep well that night and was dragging the next morning when she got up to get Jani ready to go with Quinn. She was toying with the idea of crawling back into bed when Jani and Quinn left.

  "I have to wear pants, Mama, and socks so I can play there," Jani reminded her.

  They finally settled on an outfit and then Cassie tried to braid her hair.

  "I'm sorry, sweetheart but you're going to have to settle for a ponytail today. I just can't seem to braid very well."

  "I wanted a braid, Mama."

  "I know but if I braid your hair it's not going to look very nice because my hands just aren't working well this morning. You want to look nice, right?"

  Jani nodded.

  "Then I'll do the ponytail. You can pick a ribbon for me to tie around it."

  That seemed to satisfy her and she sat still while Cassie worked the brush through her sleep-tangled hair.

  "Morning ladies," Quinn greeted them as he came into Jani's room. "Not quite ready to go, I see."

  "It'll just be a minute while I finish her hair," Cassie said. Jani handed her the ribbon she'd chosen and Cassie quickly tied it. "There you go. She's all ready for breakfast."

  "Aren't you coming?" Quinn asked.

  Cassie looked at him in surprise. "Me? I thought you said you were taking Jani for breakfast."

  "I did but I just assumed you knew I meant you too." Quinn slipped an arm around Jani's shoulders. "Why don't you go get ready? We don't mind waiting, do we, sunshine?"

  "Nope. You go get dressed, Mama. We'll wait for you."

  Cassie was weary to her very soul and didn't know if she could handle spending a couple of hours in close company with Quinn. But there was that part of her heart that jumped at every opportunity to be with the man she loved, and it won.

  "Give me a few minutes." Cassie hoped she could pull herself together in that short of time. Physically she was just not moving very well.

  Ten minutes later she walked downstairs still not feeling very well put together but at least presentable.

  Cassie was grateful for Jani's talkative nature. At least it meant she didn't have to try and search for things to say to Quinn. Instead she spent time watching him. He seemed different this morning but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. Happier, maybe. Relaxed, definitely. He just seemed more at peace with himself. Wherever he'd been the night before had worked wonders for him.

  "So, Jani survived her first week but how are you doing?" Quinn asked as Jani ran off to play in the play structure.

  "I'm fine. In a way it's not that much different than when she was with Renee during the day. It was just the thought of it all. My baby is going to school. Where did the past five years go?”

  Quinn shrugged. “They seemed like an eternity to me.”

  Cassie nodded. “Yes, there were times it felt like time was dragging. But then when I have moments like this it seems as if they’ve just flashed by.”

  “Yeah, I know. I’ve missed five years of my daughter’s life.”

  Not wanting the past to drag the morning down, Cassie didn’t reply right away and then changed the subject. “What are your plans for the day?”

  “I’m thinking of taking Jani to visit Mom, if you don’t need the car, that is.”

  “No, I don’t need it. Jani will be excited. She loves to visit Mom. How was she at your last visit?” Cassie asked knowing Quinn went to see her every other day or so.

  "Same as ever. I don't think she's recognized me since my first visit there."

  "It's hard to know when…if she'll have her lucid moments. Sometimes they happen when we're not there and sometimes we're lucky and get to see the woman she used to be."

  "It's so hard seeing her this way. I'm glad she's not in any pain but I grieve for her." Quinn shredded the napkin on his tray. "I'm just glad that Dad isn't here to see her this way. I think it would have killed him. It must be hard to see the person you've loved change before your eyes. For them not to remember the love they shared."

  Cassie could only stare at Quinn wondering if he heard the words he said. If only she could tell him that yes, it was hard to se
e the person you loved change, for them not to remember or acknowledge the love they once shared.

  "Daddy, did you see me up in the tube?" Jani rejoined them at the table, breathless from her playing.

  "Sorry, honey, I didn't see you. I'll watch for you if you want to go up in the tube again."

  Jani danced off and was soon up in the tube waving at them through the plastic. Cassie sighed. "She makes me tired just watching her. I'd love some of her energy. It would be perfect if she had a little less and I had a little more."

  "Are you not feeling well?" Quinn asked. "You look tired this morning."

  "Didn't sleep well last night," Cassie told him, her eyes following Jani as she moved along the tube to the slide.

  "Maybe we should have let you stay home and sleep," Quinn said. "But I'm glad you decided to come along."

  Cassie was confused. Last night he'd had other plans, secretive plans, and then this morning he was saying he was glad she'd come with them. Her brain was too tired to figure out what it meant. "I'm glad I came along too. At least I didn't have to cook breakfast this morning."

  They didn't stay too long at the restaurant, much to Jani's dismay. Once home Cassie started in on the chores for the day. She was tired and wanted to take a nap but needed to do the chores she’d let lapse during the week.

  Lunch came and went with no sign of Jani and Quinn but Cassie wasn’t worried. They had probably stopped to see Renee at the bookstore and she’d conned them into getting lunch for her.

  A knock on the door interrupted her as she unloaded the dishwasher. She looked out the window and smiled when she saw who stood there.

  Chapter Eleven

  Quinn watched Jani polish off the large dill pickle she’d picked out at the deli. Renee leaned back in her chair and licked her fingers.

  “Thanks for lunch, Quinn. I was starving.”

  Quinn shook his head in exasperation. “Why don’t you pack a lunch?”

  “I love deli sandwiches too much for that.” Renee grinned. “I always seem to be able to con someone into picking one up for me.”