Faith Hope and Love

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  Upstairs, Quinn tossed the package onto his bed as he walked past it to the bathroom. For some reason he was reluctant to open it.

  There was so much on his mind. The news of Kevin’s death, the funeral, the package, the kiss…especially the kiss. He didn’t know what to do. Cassie said to forget it but it just wasn’t going to happen. If he had been released the first year, that kiss would have been what their reunion would have been like. Instead it had been stiff and emotionless. Flat.

  Quinn walked to the window and stared out at the black sky. “Okay God, I need help. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt Cassie but I need her in my life. I need a miracle here. For years I’ve felt You abandoned me in that jungle. But I did get out. Kevin didn’t. Maybe that’s my miracle. Just surviving to tell the story is my miracle.

  “If I could just understand why; why You let me spend six years as a hostage. You had a reason for Joseph when he was abandoned by his family and ended up in jail. You gave back to Job more than you’d taken. What is it for me, Lord? Why did You let this happen to me?”

  Quinn gave up waiting for an answer. He changed into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and brushed his teeth. The bed sank a bit as he lay down and stretched out his legs. He reached over and dimmed the light but didn’t turn it right off, and tried to fall asleep. The next day was going to be difficult and he wanted to be well rested.

  Unfortunately, sleep wasn’t coming. Quinn heard Renee come upstairs to get ready for bed. Soon the house was quiet but still sleep didn’t come.

  First his back, then his stomach. One side and then the other. Finally Quinn gave up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He sat up and sighed. Not knowing what else to do, Quinn picked up the package and quickly tore one end open. He dumped the contents onto the bed. There was a piece of paper, a small white padded envelope and a DVD.

  Quinn picked up the paper and opened it.

  “Quinn, This DVD was given to me by a missionary with another mission who had an incredible meeting with someone who had some contact with you. I think you’ll find the story on this videotape amazing. If you haven’t already opened the other smaller envelope, please wait until after you watch the video. I think it will hold more meaning that way. You are continually in our thoughts and prayers.”

  Ben Locke had signed it. Quinn read it again, wondering what on earth it could mean. He picked up the DVD and the envelope. Since he couldn’t sleep anyway, Quinn decided to watch the DVD. He got out of bed and went to the small desk where his laptop sat. In the dimly lit room, he put the disk in and sat back to watch it.

  The first voice he heard caused his stomach to knot and perspiration to bead on his forehead. He reached for the touch pad to turn it off, but then began to listen to what the man was saying. It was in Spanish, but he could understand most of it having become quite fluent by the end of his captivity.

  Suddenly another man appeared on the screen. The missionary.

  “Hello, Quinn. My name is Andrew Hill and I have someone here who has a story to tell you. I’m not sure how much Spanish you know, so I’ll be translating for him.

  “To start back a bit, Lito came to me earlier this week wanting to know if I knew you. Of course we’ve never met, but I did know of you, had prayed for you, in fact. I agreed to help him get in contact with you because his story is absolutely amazing.”

  Quinn looked at the man sitting next to the missionary. He had been one of the men who’d kidnapped the four missionaries. When the group had separated, he’d been the leader of the men who’d taken Quinn. He couldn’t imagine that this man had anything good to say. He hadn’t been the worst of the captors, in fact, he’d probably been one of the better ones but still…he’d been a captor.

  Curiosity kept Quinn from stopping the DVD. Over the next hour, Quinn had to admit the story he heard was as amazing as the missionary had said it would be. After that first year, Lito had been replaced as the leader of the group, and Quinn had never known what had happened to him. Because his faith had still been strong, Quinn had tried to witness to him in the time before he’d left. It had been hard because of the language barrier but he’d tried and obviously he’d gotten through.

  Lito had returned to his home village, planning to take up the farming he’d left behind to join the rebels. But deep inside him was a longing to know more about what Quinn had shared. He had left his family again and gone to other villages searching for someone who could give him answers. He found a pastor in a larger village who shared the gospel with him again and led him the Lord.

  Over the next few months, Lito moved his family to that village so he could learn from the pastor. Finally he had moved back to his own village and began to share the gospel there and had even started a small church.

  Is this why, Lord? Quinn asked. He was glad Lito had known him at the beginning of his captivity and not at the end. Guilt speared him.

  Perhaps God had placed him in the middle of those men to share the gospel so that as it got more dangerous for missionaries to remain in that area, there would still be seeds planted that would hopefully grow and flourish like they had in Lito’s situation.

  Tears filled Quinn’s eyes and a sense of failure settled over him like a thick cape of darkness. The Lord had sent him into a hostile mission field and because it hadn’t been where he’d thought the Lord had wanted him, doing what he’d trained to do, he’d rebelled. Instead of taking advantage of being with those men twenty-four hours a day and sharing the gospel with them regularly, he’d retreated into a rebellious silence.

  Quinn focused on the screen, looking at the man who had taken a seed planted by him and had not only allowed it to flourish but had planted seeds of his own. How many more would have been saved if Quinn had only managed to remain true to his convictions instead of turning away from God?

  “Here’s one last thing Lito wanted you to have. It was his by right of being the leader of the group, but he could never sell it. Even when his family was hungry something within him kept him from selling it.”

  Quinn stared with amazement as the camera zoomed into the object lying in Lito’s palm. His wedding ring. With trembling fingers he tore open the small white envelope. Onto the desk fell the simple gold band Cassie had placed on his finger that beautiful day when they’d become man and wife.

  Here was his miracle, the one he’d asked the Lord for. He slipped the band onto his finger and stared at it. He’d lost weight since he’d last worn it so it was a little loose but it looked so right on his hand. It was back where it was supposed to be and Quinn needed to be back where he was supposed to be too, at the Lord’s feet and Cassie’s side.

  Quinn slipped to his knees, grief and regret weighing heavily on him. He braced his hands on the floor and bowed his head. “Forgive me, Father. It was not You who failed me, but I who failed You. And Cassie. I have failed my family so miserably. You asked me to be faithful to You and yet I wasn’t strong enough to maintain my faith in the midst of adversity. I doubted You and turned away when You were by my side. I ignored the opportunities to share Your gospel with my captors. My calling as a missionary was to share Your word with the world and yet I didn’t see the mission field You gave me.

  “Forgive me, Father. Please give me the peace and wisdom to make things right with my family. With Cassie. I pray she will see past my failures and accept me as her husband once again. And prepare my heart to be a missionary once again. That is what You have called me to be and that is what I long to be.”

  Quinn stayed bowed for a few moments and then sat back on his heels. He lifted a hand to his cheek and felt the dampness of his tears there. His spirit was broken but yet strangely whole. The stubbornness, the anger and the wall he’d built around his heart had broken away.

  Weary, Quinn lifted his gaze to the laptop screen and saw only snow where there had once been a picture. He’d missed the last of the video. Moving slowly he sat back on the chair to restart the DVD. He wanted to watch again. This time wit
h eyes not blinded by anger and hatred.

  Tears flowed as he listened to the softly spoken Spanish words uttered by a man who had, at one time, held Quinn’s very life in his hands. Quinn was thankful that God had been able to use him to reach at least one man before the anger and hatred had gripped his heart and soul.

  Quinn wanted to watch the video again when it ended but it was already late and the days ahead were going to be emotional and he needed his rest. In the dark of his room, Quinn lay on his back, turning the ring on his finger and thanking God for giving him a second chance.

  Chapter Fourteen

  An unusually subdued Quinn came by the next morning. Cassie wondered if it had to do with the package or the prospect of the funeral that lay ahead. She wanted to ask but once again held her tongue. He'd tell her when, or if, he wanted her to know.

  "Don't forget I have show and tell today, Mama," Jani reminded her as she finished off the last of her orange juice. "I want to take my daddy book."

  "I don't know, Jani. I really don't want anything to happen to that." Cassie took the glass Jani held out to her, trying to ignore the pleading look on her daughter's face.

  "Her daddy book?" Quinn asked.

  Cassie looked over to where he sat at the table, his breakfast hardly touched. Something really was wrong. "It's a book we made together with pictures of you. It was for her to get to know you. She slept with it under her pillow from the day we made it."

  "How come I've only heard about it now?" Quinn brought his dishes to the sink.

  "I guess once she had the real thing she didn't need the book anymore."

  Jani pulled on Cassie’s hand. "So can I bring it, Mama?"

  Cassie looked down at Jani. "I guess so. You be extra careful with it though, okay? Promise?"

  "I promise," Jani said with a vigorous nod for good measure.

  "Go get it and put it in your backpack. We need to go."

  As Jani disappeared around the corner of the kitchen, Cassie glanced at Quinn. He stood near the counter, his hand braced on it. He stared down at the counter, obviously lost in thought. Cassie had never seen him this way before.

  Tension radiated from him, so palpable there was no way Cassie could ignore it. "Something wrong?" she finally asked.

  Quinn didn't seem to hear her at first but then lifted his head and stared at her, his gaze unreadable. Finally he said, "I’m fine. Great, in fact.”

  Cassie frowned. He didn’t look fine and certainly not great. She wondered what had caused the change in him. Mandy’s name popped into her mind, and Cassie felt her stomach clench.

  “I’d like to have a few minutes to talk to you sometime over the next couple of days. Do you think we can do that?” Quinn asked.

  Cassie nodded. She turned away from Quinn not wanting him to see the panic in her eyes. Was this it? The moment he finally asked for a divorce so he could be with Mandy? No. No. She couldn’t let herself think along those lines. It was irrational and totally not supported by facts at all. Her mind told her that…but her heart was scared.

  She blinked back tears as she kept her back to him, trying her best to appear busy with the dishes.

  “I’m ready, Mama.” Jani rejoined them in the kitchen.

  Cassie took a deep breath and blinked a couple more times trying to clear the tears from her eyes before turning around. “Okay, let’s go.”

  The ride to the school to drop off Jani and then to Cassie’s office was fairly quiet. Each of them wrapped up in their thoughts. Cassie felt absolutely sick with worry about the conversation Quinn wanted to have.

  As she put her purse in the desk drawer, Cassie wondered where her hope had gone. At one time she would have welcomed a conversation with Quinn but now… Now, the thought of talking with him about their relationship only produced a pit of dread in her stomach.

  *****

  The day passed quickly and soon Quinn and Jani were there to pick her up. She gathered her things and said goodbye to the staff before leaving the office. She wouldn’t be back to work until the following Monday.

  Quinn sat waiting in the car. He was leaning forward, his forearms resting on the wheel, staring out the front window. When she opened the door he turned to look at her. Cassie tried to read his expression but once again he gave no hint whatsoever of what he was feeling.

  “We’ll drop Jani off at the bookstore, right?” Quinn asked as he backed out of the parking spot.

  “Yes. Renee said she’d take her by to get her things at the house later.”

  “Can’t I come too?” Jani asked from her seat behind them.

  Cassie turned to look at her daughter. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, this trip is just for Mama and Daddy. You’ll stay with Auntie Renee for two nights and then we’ll be back. We’ll do something special on Saturday. You think of what you’d like to do, okay?”

  Jani’s little lip slid out a bit but she sucked it back in and nodded. “You mean like Nickelodeon Universe at the Mall of America?”

  Cassie smiled. “Something like that.”

  “Okay, I’ll think of something.” Jani smiled and seemed to accept the deal Cassie had offered.

  She danced ahead of them into the bookstore and headed right to the counter.

  “Hi Renee, here’s your charge,” Quinn said as he followed Jani.

  “My little helper.” She bent and kissed the top of Jani’s head. “We’re going to have some fun while you’re gone.”

  “Just remember she has school tomorrow and Friday,” Cassie reminded her. “Don’t party too late.”

  Jani and Renee exchanged looks and laughed.

  “That doesn’t make me feel any better, guys,” Cassie said with a frown.

  “Go!” Renee made shooing motions with her hands. “We’ll be fine.”

  Cassie kissed Jani, gave Renee a hug and then left the bookstore with Quinn.

  Quinn had brought his bag from Renee’s so they just had to go by Cassie’s to pick up hers. She changed out of her work clothes into a pair of slacks and a light blouse. The weather channel earlier had said the Florida was having beautiful weather even though Minneapolis was experiencing cool fall days. She’d packed mostly summer stuff for the quick trip.

  They made it to the airport with two hours to spare before their flight left. The terminal was busy with Friday travelers but they managed to find a small table and Quinn went to get them something to snack on.

  Cassie tried to focus on the moment and not think about what lay ahead. She just wasn’t looking forward to the trip at all. When it had just been the funeral as the reason for the trip Cassie had actually been anticipating spending some time alone with Quinn but now that he wanted to have a talk, she wasn’t as happy about their trip together.

  “Well, it’s pretty quiet without Jani here to entertain us,” Quinn said with a smile.

  Cassie nodded. “It’s never a dull moment when she’s around.”

  Quinn stretched out his legs, bumping hers in the process. Cassie waited for him to move his legs away from hers but he didn’t. Instead he left them touching and looked at the people milling around them.

  Her emotions were swirling, soaring high and then plunging. Cassie hated feeling so out of control. She moved her legs back, away from the close contact with Quinn. Maybe he could handle it, but she couldn’t. It made her too vulnerable and took her too close to emotions she’d tried hard to ignore the past few weeks. Everything had been on a basically even keel the past little while but now it was upset again.

  “Are you okay?” Quinn leaned forward.

  Cassie met his gaze, hoping he couldn’t read the confusion within her. “I’m fine. Not really looking forward to the trip, unfortunately.”

  “Me either. It’s kind of hard to find enjoyment in something like this.” Quinn lifted his soda and took a drink. “Are you looking forward to seeing Aaron and Cecily again?”

  Cassie nodded. “They arrive a half hour before us so they’re going to hang around and we’ll share a car to the ho
tel. They’re staying at the same hotel as us too.”

  “That certainly worked out well. I wonder how many others will be there.”

  Cassie shook her head. “I don’t know. A lot, I would imagine.”

  They finished their snack and left the table so someone else could use it and walked through the airport waiting for their flight to be called.

  Finally they were boarding. Cassie had decided to splurge and get first class tickets. She figured Quinn would be more comfortable there and instead of having three people sitting in a row it would just be the two of them.

  Cassie leaned her head against the window and watched the ground disappear beneath them as the plane soared into the sky. She closed her eyes and rested her head against the back of her seat. She must have fallen asleep because when she opened her eyes next there was a snack sitting on the tray in front of her.

  “Sleep well?” Quinn asked as she straightened in her seat.

  “As well as one can on an airplane.” Cassie lifted the snack bag. “Pretzels”

  “The choice was peanuts or pretzels. I seem to remember you preferring pretzels”

  “I would. Thanks.”

  By the time she finished the snack and her drink, it was nearly time to land in Miami. She braced for the landing and breathed a sigh of relief as the plane taxied towards the terminal.

  Aaron and Cecily were waiting for them when they disembarked.

  “It’s so great to see you guys again.” Cassie hugged them both and Quinn shook their hands. “Wish it were under better circumstances.”

  “Me too,” Cecily said, a sad look on her face. “This was such a shock after Quinn’s release. We had hoped for the best.”

  “How is Mary Alice?”

  Aaron shook his head. “Not doing too well, but that’s to be expected at first. She sounded stronger this morning when I spoke to her than she did yesterday. It will take a little time. A lot of time, probably.”

  They gathered all their bags and headed for the car Aaron had rented. Having been to Miami before, Aaron had no trouble finding the hotel.