Faith Hope and Love

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  She was surprised to see Quinn sitting at the kitchen table, a laptop in front of him.

  “Morning,” he said when he looked up and saw her.

  “Almost afternoon, I think,” Cassie said, suddenly nervous. It wasn’t often it was just the two of them alone in the house.

  “Did you sleep well?” Quinn hit a key on the laptop and it began to whir.

  “Yes. I feel much better this morning.” Cassie pulled a jug of orange juice from the fridge and popped a couple of slices of bread into the toaster.

  “Hope you don’t mind, but we peeked in on you this morning,” Quinn said.

  Cassie froze in the process of getting a plate out of the cupboard. “You peeked in on me? Why?”

  “Jani wouldn’t go to school without making sure you were really home and were okay.”

  “Oh. Well that’s okay then.” Cassie got her plate and waited for the toast to pop up. “What are you working on?”

  Quinn leaned back in his chair. “I’m hoping it will eventually be a book, but right now it’s just thoughts and memories of the past six years.”

  Mandy’s suggestion, Cassie thought. She wondered if Quinn would let her read it before Mandy did. “David Warner wrote a book. I have a copy if you’d like to read it.”

  “I think I’d like to finish mine first before reading the experiences of someone else so I don’t compare what I’m writing to what they did.”

  “That’s probably a good idea. Just let me know when you want to read it. I have it upstairs.”

  The toast popped up and Cassie put it on her plate and began to butter it. The phone rang and she left the toast to answer it.

  “Cassie?”

  Cassie recognized the voice and smiled. “Hi Aaron! Long time no talk. How’s it going?”

  There was a bit of a pause. “I’m calling with some news.”

  “News? Has there been another release?”

  “Yes. No one is a hostage anymore.”

  “No one? You mean both men have been freed?” Cassie felt Quinn come stand at her side.

  “In a manner of speaking.”

  Dread began to form in Cassie’s stomach. “Just tell me, Aaron. No more cryptic comments.”

  “Michael was freed this morning and is on his way home.”

  “And Kevin?” Cassie asked, her throat tight.

  “His body was released with Michael last night.”

  “No. Oh no.” Tears flowed. Cassie covered her eyes with a hand and tried to form words but all that came out were gasping sobs.

  Quinn took the phone from her hand and spoke into it. “Aaron, it’s Quinn. What’s happened?”

  Cassie made her way to the table and slumped down into a chair, her head buried in her arms. All she could think about was Kevin’s wife, Mary Alice. How devastating it must be, to have waited all these years to have Kevin home again only to have him killed. It could have been her left to grieve Quinn’s death. It could have been Quinn’s body that had been left by the captors.

  A hand touched her shoulder. Cassie knew she shouldn’t turn to Quinn, but she needed his comfort, needed his strength.

  Standing, she wrapped her arms around his chest and buried her face in his shoulder. His arms came around her without hesitation, and he bent his head to rest his cheek on her hair. They stood together for several minutes. Cassie could feel Quinn’s heart pounding beneath her ear and the heaving of his chest that told her he was as upset as she.

  Quinn’s hand rubbed her back, offering comfort. Cassie didn’t want to move from his embrace. For the first time since he’d come home they truly connected on an emotional level and were closer physically than they had been in six years.

  Cassie lifted her head and looked at Quinn through liquid eyes. She was so glad, so very glad, that it wasn’t Quinn who had died. Despite all their problems, despite the pain she was suffering, Cassie was glad she could embrace Quinn and hold him close. It must be so hard for Mary Alice.

  Cassie knew she shouldn’t, she knew it wasn’t a good time, she knew it might lead to regret or even anger from Quinn, but it still didn’t stop her from putting her hands behind Quinn’s neck. She drew him down, rising up on her toes so their lips met.

  Tears sprang afresh in Cassie’s eyes as for the first time in six years she felt her husband’s lips on hers. It was soft and gentle, a reacquainting kiss. Cassie wanted it to go on forever. She pressed herself closer to Quinn and tightened her grip around his neck.

  When Quinn’s hands grasped her wrists and pulled her hands from his neck, Cassie let out a soft moan.

  “No, Cassie.” Quinn stepped back from her. “This isn’t right.”

  The air rushed from Cassie’s lungs, and she felt as if she were going to throw up. Before she could respond, if she’d actually wanted to, Quinn strode to the back door and left.

  Cassie stood alone in the kitchen, alone with her grief, alone with her longing to be with her husband.

  This isn’t right. The words echoed round and round in her mind. Why wasn’t it right? she wanted to demand of him. He was her husband. She was his wife. It was natural. It was right.

  Pain seemed to be coming from every direction. Grief and heartbreak flooded her. Cassie couldn’t contain it any longer and fled to the sanctuary of her room. She crawled back into the bed she had vacated only an hour earlier and let the emotions overwhelm her. She cried for Mary Alice, for her kids and for Kevin’s parents who should never have to hear such horrible news. She cried for herself and the heartache that just never seemed to go away. She grieved alone because there was no one there to hold her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Quinn brought the SUV to an abrupt halt at a secluded part of the park. He got out and slammed the door with more force than necessary.

  How could you do this, God? How could you let Mary Alice hold out hope for this long only to rip it from her at the very last minute?

  Quinn tried to focus on the anger over Kevin’s death because he didn’t want to think about what had happened with Cassie. He didn’t want to think about how right it had felt to hold her in his arms again and to kiss her. It had been like finally coming home. But he hadn’t wanted it to come in the midst of such an emotional moment. There were too many things he needed to do before he had the right to kiss Cassie as her husband.

  And right then, with his anger at God fueled anew by the news of Kevin’s death, Quinn felt further away than ever from reuniting his family. His desire to find the faith he’d lost was squelched beneath the heat of his anger. How could God have allowed this to happen?

  *****

  Cassie watched out the living room window for Quinn and Jani. She was nervous about seeing Quinn after their encounter earlier but she needn’t have been. Through the window she saw Quinn get out of the car but instead of coming with Jani, he stood beside the vehicle, watching her walk towards the back door. Cassie heard the door in the kitchen open and as soon as it closed again, Quinn turned and began to walk away.

  “Mama?” Jani bounded into the living room.

  Cassie grabbed her in a tight hug and didn’t let go until Jani began to squirm. She let her go and smiled as best she could. “How was your day, honey?”

  “Good.” She dropped down on the floor next to her backpack and began to pull stuff out. “We have another verse to memorize this week.” She held the paper out to Cassie.

  Cassie took it and quickly skimmed the verse. When she realized what verse it was she went back and read it again more slowly.

  Psalm 46:10.

  It was the same verse God had brought to mind several weeks ago. Cassie read it again. It seemed God was reminding her that in the midst of this new turmoil, He was still God. He was still in charge. He was still there for them.

  Cassie took a couple of deep breaths. She needed to keep her gaze fixed on Christ. It was so easy to allow the emotions swirling around her to take control and pull her under. He was God and there was no better person to trust.

  �
��Where’s your dad?” Cassie asked Jani finally.

  “He said he had something to do tonight so he wasn’t going to be here for supper.” Jani didn’t seem bothered at all by the fact that her dad was not going to eat with them like he usually did. “He said he’d see me in the morning.”

  And her too, Cassie thought. He had to take her to work so there would be no avoiding her the next morning. Maybe it was time to consider getting another car.

  Cassie didn’t feel much like eating the dinner she’d prepared, but for Jani’s sake she tried to eat at least a little. After dinner while Jani was getting ready for bed, Cassie called Aaron to get some information on the funeral for Kevin.

  “It’s going to be on Thursday in Florida,” Aaron told her. “Cecily and I will be going.”

  “I want to go too. I’m not sure about Quinn though. How is Michael doing? Is his adjustment going well?”

  “He’s been in counseling already with Susan and it seems he’s doing as well as can be expected.”

  Cassie paused for a moment. “How is he spiritually, do you think?”

  “Praising God for his freedom to anyone that will listen,” Aaron said with a laugh.

  Cassie felt a twinge of jealousy. Why had Michael managed to hold onto his faith? What had been the difference between their captivities to produce such different outcomes?

  After getting the rest of the details for the funeral, Cassie phoned her boss to see if she could take some time off. He agreed so she phoned the airline to make reservations. She went ahead and booked two seats even though she didn’t know what Quinn was going to do. She hoped he would come with her but knew it might not happen.

  *****

  The next morning Quinn arrived after they’d eaten already. Cassie hated that he was pulling away from them, all because she’d wanted to kiss him. It wasn’t just hurting her, it was hurting Jani and that wasn’t good.

  After they dropped Jani off at school Cassie decided to broach the subject in hopes of getting things back to normal.

  “I’m sorry about what happened yesterday, Quinn. It was just the emotion, the gratitude that it wasn’t you who had been killed. It won’t happen again.”

  Quinn pulled the car into a spot in front of the doctor’s office. He crossed his hands over the wheel. “You don’t need to apologize, Cassie. I think I need to apologize for leaving like I did. It’s just…I don’t want to jump right into…that when there’s so many other things that are demanding our attention.”

  “I guess it’s just best if we both just agree to forget about it.” Even as she said it, Cassie knew she’d never forget it. Her first real physical contact with her husband after nearly six years and she was supposed to just forget about it? Cassie didn’t think so, but for Quinn’s sake she’d say she would.

  “Yeah, it’s probably best if we do,” Quinn agreed.

  “This Thursday is Kevin’s funeral. I’m planning to go. Would you like to go with me?”

  Quinn was quiet for a few moments. “Sure. It would be good to see the others.”

  Cassie was glad he’d agreed. Maybe meeting the others would give him a different perspective on his situation.

  The day went better than she’d anticipated. Five o'clock rolled around before she knew it. As she got her things together she was surprised to see Quinn walk into the office. Usually he just waited for her in the SUV.

  "Ready to go?"

  "Am I that late?" Cassie asked as she turned off the computer and picked up her purse.

  "No. I just thought I'd come in and see where you work."

  "Well, this is it." Cassie waved her hand around the now empty room. It hadn't been so quiet a couple of hours earlier when several mothers had been there with their rambunctious children. "I really enjoy the work here, and Dr. Carlos is great to work for."

  "I'm surprised you're not working in the hospital."

  "I did think about it but the hours here were more stable and Dr. Carlos was very understanding of my role as single mom."

  "I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I wish I could have been here for you and Jani."

  Cassie smiled at him. "You're here now. Regrets won't do you a lot of good, particularly when they're for something you had no control over."

  "You're right but every day I'm with Jani I realize just how much I've missed."

  Cassie called good night to Dr. Carlos before leading Quinn out the front door. She turned her key in the lock. "Yes, you've missed the first five years of Jani's life but look at how much still lies ahead. And she doesn't remember most of the years you were away. If she were older she'd be more aware of the time you'd missed. And right now she's just glad to have you home."

  Quinn opened the car door for her and waited for her to get in before shutting it. He rounded the front of the vehicle and climbed in the driver's side. "I know you're right, but it's still hard to think about what I've missed."

  Cassie stared out the side window. Did he think about what he'd missed in their marriage too, or just what he'd missed with Jani?

  Quinn swung the SUV into a spot in front of Renee's store. Cassie got out and followed him in. Jani was perched on a stool behind the counter talking to one of the customers.

  Cassie almost ran into Quinn when he stopped abruptly.

  "What's wrong?"

  "Nothing. I'm just once again amazed by Jani."

  Cassie stepped beside him and looked to where Jani sat. "She loves coming to the store."

  "You've done such a great job with her. I know I've said that before but I really mean it." Quinn glanced down at her. "She is comfortable with young kids and with old people like Mom and Mr. Bill. She's outgoing and polite."

  Cassie laughed. "Don't make her out to be too perfect. She has her faults although most of them usually manifest themselves at home. She can be downright stubborn at times, but she is rarely willfully disobedient for which I'm very thankful."

  "You obviously didn't need me around to help raise her. You did such a great job on your own."

  "I needed you. I still need you, as a father for her. Once of these days she's going to start spreading her wings and testing her boundaries and I think it will take both of us to keep things under control."

  "Hey, guys!" Renee called from behind the counter and motioned them over.

  "Hi, Mama," Jani said as she held out her arms for a hug without getting down from the stool.

  "Helping Aunt Renee out?" Cassie asked.

  "Yep. I get to put the books into the bag unless they're too heavy, then Auntie does it."

  "Well, we'd better head for home so I can get supper on."

  Jani protested but knew better than to push the issue and soon hopped off the stool. "See you tomorrow, Auntie."

  "You bet, kiddo." Renee fished in her pockets and then held out a quarter. "Here's your pay for a job well done."

  Jani grinned as she took the money. Cassie knew it would go right into her bank at home. Her dog-shaped bank was slowing filling with money that Jani hoped to buy a dog with some day.

  “Did Quinn talk to you about watching Jani for a couple of days?” Cassie asked.

  Renee nodded. “It will be fine. I just wish the news had been better about Kevin. How terrible.”

  “Yeah, it was hard to hear. It could have been Quinn. That’s the thought that keeps playing in my mind.”

  Renee gave her a hug. “But it wasn’t. He’s home and healthy.”

  “Yes, and I’m very thankful for that. God was good to us.” Cassie glanced out the window of the store and saw Quinn and Jani waiting in the van. “I’d better go. See you tomorrow.”

  Once home it didn't take Cassie long to get supper on the table since she'd started it in the slow cooker earlier in the day. The rest of the evening followed its predictable schedule but instead of leaving right away Quinn hung around.

  “I wonder if Michael and Susan will be at the funeral,” Quinn said as he sat down on one of the stools at the counter.

  “I wouldn’
t be surprised. Aaron and Cecily are going to be there.” Cassie put the last plate in the dishwasher. “I think there are going to be a lot of people at the funeral. This situation has gotten a lot of publicity over the years.”

  She wondered if she should tell Quinn that Michael had not lost his faith during his years of captivity. In fact, from what Aaron had said, his faith was as strong as ever.

  Quinn stood. "I'd better go."

  Cassie followed him to the front door to say good night. She realized she hadn't picked up the mail so pulled it out of the box. On the very top was a thick padded envelope addressed to Quinn.

  "Quinn," Cassie called out to him since he hadn't gone too far down the sidewalk.

  He turned back and Cassie ran down the steps toward him. "This is addressed to you."

  Quinn took it and looked at the address. A frown furrowed his brow. "I wasn't expecting anything. Thanks."

  Cassie wondered what was in it but didn't press. "See you in the morning."

  Quinn walked slowly home, the package in his hand. It was from Ben Locke, the mission director. What could he be sending him?

  At the house he found Renee in the dining room, papers spread all around her.

  “Hi, Sis.” Quinn sat down on a chair across from her.

  Renee looked up and shoved her wire rim glasses onto the top of her head. “How’re you doing?”

  “I’m fine.” Quinn fiddled with the package in his hands. “I’m not really looking forward to the funeral but then I guess funerals aren’t something you’re supposed to be excited about.”

  “Nope, not unless you hated the person.”

  “Which I didn’t.”

  “I think it will be good for you and Cassie to spend some time alone together.”

  Quinn waited for the automatic denial to spring to his lips but it didn’t. “Yeah, maybe it will be good.”

  Renee arched a brow. Obviously she’d been anticipating his denial as well. “Something you want to talk about?”

  Quinn shook his head. “Not right now.” He stood up. “I’m going to bed.”

  “See you in the morning.” Renee pulled the glasses back down onto her nose and returned her attention to the papers spread before her.