Faith Hope and Love

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  "Thanks, Renee. We'll see you in a bit."

  A long prayer, two extra-strength painkillers and a quick shower helped Cassie to at least focus herself enough to hopefully get through the evening.

  Renee gave her a curious look when they picked her up but thankfully said nothing. Quinn drove to a nearby pizza parlor and let them off at the door.

  They had already been seated when Quinn joined them. He sat next to Cassie while Renee sat across from them with Jani. Cassie didn't know which was harder, having to sit next to him or having to look across the table at him.

  They placed their order and then relaxed as they waited for it to arrive. Jani was busy coloring the kid’s placemat they'd given her.

  "I think I need to look into getting a job," Quinn announced.

  "Really?" Renee looked up from helping Jani color. "What kind of job?"

  "That's the hard part. I obviously can't just step back into flying and I don't really have any experience in anything else. I'm grateful for the inheritance Dad left because at least I didn't have to go right out and get a job when I got back. But I can't go on like this forever. I’d like to get back into flying but that won’t happen right off the bat. I want to take some refresher courses. What do you think?"

  Cassie really couldn't think of anything else that suited Quinn as well as flying had. He'd loved to fly and he had told her once that it had been his dream from when he'd been a child.

  "Mandy..." Quinn stopped. "Um...a friend suggested that I write a book about my experiences."

  Mandy. The woman in the deli now had a name. Cassie thought she was going to be sick. It was hard enough to have the woman's face in her mind but now she had a name to go with it.

  "I think writing a book is a great idea. It would probably be a good catharsis for you," Renee said.

  Cassie stared at Renee. She hadn't even seemed to pick up on the woman's name. Did that mean she hadn't heard Quinn's slip or that she already knew all about her?

  The pizza arrived right then so the conversation ended. Cassie took a piece and tried to eat it but every bite sank like a stone to the bottom of her stomach. She sat and just picked at it hoping no one would notice she wasn't eating more.

  Hope was not with her.

  Quinn looked at her plate. "You're only having one piece? We ordered lots. Eat up!"

  Cassie shook her head. "I'm not really hungry."

  Quinn's gaze narrowed. "Are you on a diet or something?"

  Suddenly the memory of that afternoon flashed in her mind and she saw Mandy sitting there, slender and beautiful in her suit. Maybe Quinn would have been more interested in her if she had lost those last ten pounds she'd gain with her pregnancy. Mandy had long blonde hair. Maybe if she hadn't cut those few inches from her hair.

  "Are you?" Quinn asked again.

  "Aren't women perpetually on a diet, Quinn?" Renee asked with a laugh. There was no humor in her eyes though as she looked at Cassie.

  "Well maybe some women but Cassie never was and you certainly aren't," Quinn remarked as he eyed Renee’s plate that had her third piece on it.

  Cassie picked up the pizza and tried to take another bite and managed to get it down without gagging on it. She took a sip of her soda hoping it would wash it down.

  "I'll eat more, Daddy," Jani said as she reached for another piece of the cheese pizza Quinn had ordered for her.

  Cassie didn't know if she was going to make it through the rest of the dinner. Renee kept casting concerned looks at her. Quinn however, seemed oblivious to her discomfort.

  It was with a sigh of relief Cassie shut the door behind Quinn a couple of hours later. She needed to be alone. She needed to figure out how she was going to get through this with her dignity intact. Without showing Quinn and the rest of the world that her heart had been completely shattered.

  Chapter Twelve

  Cassie changed out of her clothes into her most comfortable pajamas. Even though it was only nine o'clock she turned on the lamp beside her bed and crawled between the sheets. She didn't plan to fall asleep right away. There were some things she needed to think about and her bed was always the place she thought best.

  Sitting with her back propped against the headboard, Cassie pulled her legs up and clasped her arms around her knees. She closed her eyes and prayed for the Lord to clear her mind. To help her view the whole situation with her mind and not her heart. Right now her thoughts were running rampant, making assumptions and her heart hurt more than Cassie had ever thought possible.

  Cassie didn't open her eyes when her prayer was over. Instead, she focused on the Quinn she had known years ago, the one he seemed to be reverting to. That Quinn never would have gotten involved with another woman, even if their marriage had been on the rocks. Cassie was sure of that. She had to believe the Quinn she knew today wouldn't do that either. She believed that beneath all the changes there still existed his morals and values. Those morals would demand that he end their marriage before getting involved with someone else. Although she knew divorce was something neither of them ever thought would be an option for them.

  Could she somehow bring herself to believe that what she'd seen in the deli had been a casual meeting between friends and nothing more? Cassie rubbed a hand over her forehead. Her heart couldn't seem to grasp that. Her emotions kept telling her it was something more.

  But would he have chosen a restaurant so close to her work if he'd been meeting a girlfriend? He'd have to have known there was a possibility that she'd see them together. On the other hand, maybe he hoped that she would see them together and get the picture without him having to tell her. But that didn't seem like something Quinn would do. He'd promised to be honest with her and so far she thought he had.

  Cassie knew that for her own sake she needed to give Quinn the benefit of the doubt. If Quinn did in fact have an interest in this other woman, he wasn't the man she wanted to have as husband anyway. Never had she thought divorce would be part of her life, and she herself would never pursue it, but there wouldn’t be much she could do if Quinn decided it was what he wanted.

  “Oh Lord, I know you’re still in control of this situation even though it doesn’t look really good right now. Help me to trust you instead of wondering about Quinn. I have to believe that it’s Your will that our marriage be reconciled, that Quinn will renew his faith in you and have a powerful testimony to share. Give me the peace I need to see this through, whatever the outcome.”

  Cassie sat for a while longer, her head bent to her knees. She let the memories flood her. Over the past five years her memories had kept her going. Keeping Quinn alive in her and Jani’s minds had sustained her. Now she called on them again in faith that the Lord would give her the opportunity to make more memories with the man she loved.

  *****

  Quinn showed up for breakfast the next morning. He gave her a curious look as he sat down at the table. "Are you feeling okay?"

  Cassie glanced at him in surprise. She thought she looked better that morning than she had at supper the night before. "I'm fine."

  "Renee mentioned something about you not feeling well last night. I'm sorry I didn't notice. I mean, I noticed you didn't each much pizza but I didn't realize it was because you weren't feeling well."

  "I wasn't feeling great last night but I'm fine this morning."

  "Glad to hear it."

  Cassie set the French toast on the table in front of Jani and then sat down. "What is your plan for today?"

  Quinn shrugged. "I don't have any great plans. Probably do a little work here and at Renee's. Did you need me to do something?"

  "I don't think so. You've been working hard to keep stuff done up. I don't think our place has looked this good in years."

  "Can we go see Grandma?" Jani asked.

  "Sure," Quinn said. "I think that would be a good idea. Did you want to come, Cass?"

  Cassie nodded. "It's been a while since I last saw her. I've gotten out of my schedule of visiting her. Maybe I'll make her
some of those cookies she likes. Do I have time or do you want to go right away?"

  "Go ahead and make the cookies. I'll do the mowing and once that's done we can go."

  After breakfast Jani opted to stay and help Cassie make the cookies while Quinn mowed. It was right around lunchtime when they left. Quinn promised he'd treat for lunch after their visit.

  Cassie could tell as soon as they walked into the room that Esther wasn't at her most lucid. There was the faintest glimmer of recognition when they walked in but then it faded.

  "Hi Grandma." Jani greeted the older woman cheerfully. "We brought you cookies. They're your favorite kind." Jani put the container they'd brought on the small table and opened the lid. Using the napkins Cassie had also brought she lifted one out and offered it to Esther.

  The elderly woman took the cookie and nibbled a small bite. "These are good."

  Jani took a cookie for herself and climbed up on the bed next to Esther. "I helped to make them. They're your favorite." She leaned close to her grandmother and said in a loud whisper, "And mine too."

  A nurse popped her head around the door. "Hi Cassie! I thought I heard voices."

  "Hi, Sam. How's it going?" Cassie greeted the nurse. She was familiar with all the nurses in the home since she'd been making regular visits for almost three years. It was another one of the things she liked about the home. Low staff turnover.

  "Do I smell cookies?" Sam asked Jani.

  "Yep. We made them for Grandma. Do you want one? We brought lots."

  "You know me, Jani, I can't resist those cookies." Sam helped herself to one. "I'd better eat it in here or you'll have a line-up outside the door."

  "Hi Mom," Quinn spoke for the first time.

  Cassie could see that it was still difficult for him to know how to act around Esther. She hoped he’d take his cue from Jani and just act naturally, talk to her about his day and what was going on. Cassie had held a lot of one-sided conversations with Esther over the years. And some that made no sense at all. But it made Esther happy to have someone there to talk to so Cassie just went with the flow. Jani had learned long ago that not everything her grandmother said made sense but that didn't matter to the little girl because she could always count on her grandmother to ooh and ah over her pictures.

  Jani talked a bit more with Esther before sliding off the bed. "Can I go see Mr. Bill, Mama? And take him some cookies?"

  "Sure. Why don't I go with you? Daddy can stay and talk with Grandma for a little bit."

  It took them a while to get to Bill's room since some nurses and residents stopped them along the hallway to greet them. More cookies were dispersed but Jani made sure they kept some for Mr. Bill.

  They were still there twenty minutes later when Quinn came looking for them.

  "Sorry, we kind of got distracted," Cassie explained when she spotted him in the doorway of Bill's room. "Are you finished with your visit?"

  Quinn nodded. "Did you want to talk with her before we leave?"

  "I'd like to. Can you stay with Jani for a couple of minutes?"

  "Sure."

  Cassie headed back to Esther's room. The older woman was dozing in her chair and Cassie didn't want to disturb her. As was her habit she stood next to her mother-in-law and said a brief prayer that the Lord would continue to keep her healthy in spite of the Alzheimer's and that she would have peace even in the midst of her confusion.

  They stopped by a restaurant near Renee’s and got a bucket of takeout chicken. Renee’s assistant was there working when they stopped to see her so they were able to convince Renee to come with them to the park for an early picnic supper.

  It was a beautiful day. A light breeze stirred the branches of the large trees sheltering their picnic table. Jani played happily on the nearby swing set. Cassie leaned her arms on the picnic table letting the tensions of the week slide away. Whoever that woman was, Quinn was there with Cassie and Jani right then and not with her.

  Cassie closed her eyes and laid her head on her arms. She could just drift off. Sleep actually began to tug at her but she was jarred out of her sleepy state by a beeping sound.

  “What’s that?” Quinn asked.

  “My beeper,” Cassie told him as she fished it out of her bag.

  “You have a beeper? You never gave me the number.”

  Cassie gave him a smile as she checked the number. “This is my pager for Stephanie to get hold of me when she goes into labor. I told her I’d help her during her delivery.”

  “I thought you weren’t doing deliveries anymore,” Renee said.

  Cassie looped her purse over her shoulder. “I’m not but Stephanie asked a special favor and since you and Quinn were both available to watch Jani I said I’d do it for her.”

  “Guess we’d better get you to the hospital,” Quinn said as he stood.

  They quickly cleared away the remnants of their picnic and loaded back into the SUV for the short trip to the hospital.

  “Just call when you’re ready to come home and I’ll come get you,” Quinn said. “We’ll be at your place.”

  *****

  Almost thirty hours later, Cassie finally left the hospital. Exhaustion pulled at her as she waited for the taxi she’d called. With it being so late she didn’t want to disturb Quinn for a pickup. It had been a long and difficult labor and delivery. Stef had probably called her sooner than she’d needed to, but it was a first baby so her anxiety was understandable. In the end the baby had arrived safe and sound. At that point, she wanted nothing more than to climb into her bed and sleep for a week. Dr. Carlos had already told her to take the next day off and she planned to do just that.

  Not only had the experience been physically draining but emotionally draining as well. As the beautiful little boy had slid into the world Cassie had cried. As she’d watched the parents huddle together over their new child, her heart had ached with loss. It looked like that special moment was one she’d never get to experience with Quinn.

  She alone had cuddled their baby after she’d been born. She alone had counted fingers and toes. She alone had kissed the soft newborn cheek of her precious daughter and whispered words of love in her tiny ear.

  The cab pulled up in front of her and wearily Cassie climbed in and gave the driver the address. She was tempted to lean her head back against the seat but figured she’d probably fall asleep.

  Thanks to light late-night traffic they made it to the house in good time. She was surprised to see the car in the driveway. She’d figured that Quinn and Jani would spend the night at Renee’s.

  Quietly she let herself into the house and tried not to make any noise, unsure of where Quinn was sleeping. Was he asleep in her bed? Cassie hoped not because she wasn’t in any condition to deal with that emotional discovery right then.

  Moving slowly she climbed the stairs and was just going into her room when she heard a noise behind her. Thinking it was Jani she turned.

  “How did it go?” Quinn asked, his voice rough from sleep.

  “It went fine. They had a baby boy,” Cassie told him, trying not to remember the many times she’d seen him looking rumpled from sleep. The T-shirt he wore stretched tightly across his chest and Cassie realized he was gaining back some of the weight he’d lost. He didn’t look as gaunt as he had a few weeks ago. It looked good on him.

  “Glad everything went okay. You must be tired.”

  Cassie rotated her head, stretching the muscles in her neck. “I am. It’s been ages since I last pulled such a long stretch in the hospital.”

  “Want me to rub your neck?” Quinn offered.

  Cassie’s breath caught. No, she couldn’t let that happen. Allowing him to touch her like that would take her memories down a path she’d been trying very hard to avoid. “Thanks but I think I’ll just take a hot shower and crawl into bed.”

  “Don’t worry about Jani in the morning. I’ll take care of getting her ready for school. Do you have to work?”

  Cassie shook her head. “Dr. Carlos gave me t
he day off since he knew I’d been with Stephanie the whole time.”

  “Good. You just take it easy tomorrow.”

  “I will. Good night.” Cassie turned and went into her room and shut the door. She leaned her head back, her hands pressed flat against the hard wood. It was terribly hard to think of Quinn being in the same house and yet not sleeping together with her. Maybe it had been better for them both that he’d stayed at Renee’s. Having him there that close, was more difficult than Cassie had imagined it would be.

  She pushed herself away from the door and headed for her bathroom. That moment, being in such a highly emotional state, was hardly the time to think about their relationship and future. Only the worst would come to mind, and Cassie didn’t think she could handle that.

  Cassie peeled off her clothes and stepped beneath the hot spray of the shower. She knew she should make an appointment with her counselor. It had been far too long since she’d talked with her. She needed to talk to someone and for once Renee was not an option since this Mandy situation had raised its ugly head.

  Water pelted her back, massaging away the tension of the past thirty-six hours. Cassie stood there until her skin burned with the heat. She turned it down a bit and quickly washed her hair and body before stepping out into the steamy bathroom.

  Without clearing the mirror to look at herself, Cassie quickly towel-dried her hair then went into the bedroom to change into pajamas and climb into bed. She barely had time to say a prayer before exhaustion swamped her and all thought, pleasant or otherwise, left her blissfully alone.

  *****

  The house was quiet when Cassie woke the next morning. She stretched slowly, glad she didn’t ache too much, and turned to look at the clock. Almost noon. It had been forever since she’d slept in so late.

  Knowing there was no reason to rush, Cassie took her time getting dressed and doing her hair and makeup. Wearing a pair of leggings and a blue T-shirt, she headed downstairs to get a bite to eat. Her stomach growled, reminding her how long it had been since she’d last eaten.