This Very Moment

by Rachel Ann Nunes

  “You could shower here and wear your dress to church.” He motioned toward the silver material in her hands.

  She shook her head. “Not a chance. It’s wrinkled. Besides, I teach a class of teens, mostly boys with raging hormones. I may not be as young and beautiful as the girls their age, but I know this dress is form-fitting, and I’m not about to endure an hour of side looks and comments. I’m their spiritual advisor, not a showcase model.”

  Bill laughed. “I see what you mean. But I rather like that dress.”

  “It’s designed to be liked, and I have more exactly like it. All glittery dress up gowns designed for my banquets. I have to dress like the crowd, if a bit more modestly. I mean, I don’t see how those women stay warm with those strapless things.”

  Bill’s grin widened. “That’s why the men wear those hot jackets—to offer them to the women.”

  “Ha-ha. That explains everything. Do you want to come with me to my Sunday School class?” Kylee hadn’t meant to ask, but the words came of their own accord.

  Bill’s smile faded. “No, thank you.”

  He offered no explanation or apology, but Kylee knew from his cool manner that she had hit a nerve. She met his eyes without flinching and asked quietly, “What’s wrong, Bill?”

  “I don’t go to church, that’s all.”

  “You used to.” With Nicole, Kylee added silently.

  Bill looked thoughtful, as though choosing his words carefully. “I’m an atheist now. Or as good as one. I figure if there is a entity such as God that He would be too busy to care about what happens here. I mean, Kylee, there are endless worlds out there in the universe and probably a far greater number of sentient beings. Why would an omniscient God care about something so insignificant as human life?” He held up his hands to stop her comments. “I’m not saying that He exists, mind you. I don’t think He does, but if He did, He couldn’t possibly care about each living thing on those zillion worlds. What would Nicole mean to Him? Or the fact that innocent little Pauline was dying such an agonizing, unfair death? Each is just one more grain of sand on an endless beach.”

  Kylee listened to his speech with a growing sadness. After Raymond had left, her Father in Heaven had been the one strengthening force in her life, the only reason she had survived at all. To hear someone she cared about denounce God greatly upset her. “I know it seems impossible to us, but I doubt an omniscient being deals with time and space in the same way we do. I’m sure He has others to help Him.”

  “Angels?” The word was almost mocking. “If there are angels out there, well, they would probably be a lot more concerned about one another than us lowly ants.”

  “Bill, don’t.” Kylee hated the cynicism in his voice. “I’ve seen His work with the people I’ve been involved with over the years. I know He lives and cares about us. Look at the sacrifice Jesus made for us on the cross.”

  “See? That’s what’s even more strange to me. The idea of an ultimate Atonement is ridiculous. I mean, why would a great and powerful being care about people enough to die for them? It’s beyond comprehension. I don’t know anyone who would willingly die for someone else. It goes against the instinct of self-preservation.”

  “Jesus is beyond instinct, beyond the natural man. He was selfless, and He always put others first.”

  “Why would He do such a thing? I just don’t buy it.”

  “I can’t explain it to you. It’s something I feel with my heart.”

  An uncomfortable silence fell between them, and then Bill said lightly, “Well, we can agree to disagree, but you now have five fewer minutes to get to your Sunday School class.”

  Kylee accepted his words as a truce. “Okay, but do you remember where I put my shoes?”

  “They’re in with my drawings. I took them off when you were asleep.”

  His words reminded Kylee of the drawing he’d made of her all those years ago. Did he still think she was as appealing as the drawing portrayed? Why did she care? Kylee flushed.

  Bill laughed. “I bet you’re wondering how you would explain sleeping over here last night to your Sunday School.”

  “I’m sure they’d understand.”

  He gave her a knowing smile. “Sure they would. And then you’d have to understand when they wanted to do it.”

  Kylee was beginning to see a new meaning to the phrase “avoid the appearance of evil.” That she hadn’t meant to stay the night, even under such innocent conditions, really wasn’t the issue. She scowled at Bill. “I’d better get my shoes.”

  “I’ll get them.” Bill left the room. She heard him run up the stairs and down again before she made it to the sitting room where she had left her car keys. “I’ll walk you to your car,” Bill said at the front door. “Wait, wear one of my jackets. It’s getting cold in the mornings, even for California.”

  Kylee put her arms into the sleeves as he held it. “Thanks.”

  Bill threw on another jacket and opened the door for her. As they walked down the front walk, a beautiful red-haired woman Kylee didn’t recognize charged up it. She heard Bill give a soft groan before greeting her. “Hi, Audrey.”

  Audrey. Audrey, thought Kylee, knowing she had heard the name recently in connection with Bill.

  “Hi, Bill,” Audrey said brightly. “I just slipped over here to invite you to go on a picnic this afternoon. I have the most perfect cold cuts that I bought over at Macky’s yesterday, knowing how much you like them, and I know this lovely little . . .” Audrey’s words faded as she stared at Kylee, taking in her oversized clothes and the folded dress in her hands. Her eyes focused on the silver sandals on Kylee’s feet.

  Bill put a hand on Kylee’s shoulders, pulling her closer. “Audrey, this is Kylee, a very old friend of mine who I ran into last night at a charity banquet. In fact, we also met a friend of yours there, a Mrs. Boswell? Do you know her? I thought so. She certainly had a lot of good things to say about you.”

  Oh, thought Kylee. This is the former patient who has her sights set on the doctor.

  Bill’s hand drifted down to Kylee’s waist. “You remember, don’t you Kylee?”

  “Yes,” Kylee said perfunctorily. “Mrs. Boswell did mention you. It’s nice to meet you.”

  Bill’s arm tightened on her waist, forcing her to step even closer to him. “Kylee here is the organizer for the charity. She’s a marvel at raising funds for unfortunate children. Always has been.”

  Audrey’s face drooped. She glanced again at the gown in Kylee’s hands. “That’s a pretty dress.”

  “Kylee has to dress up for these banquet affairs you know,” Bill answered.

  “Bill—” Kylee began, not wanting him to continue.

  “Oh, yeah, you have to get going.” He looked at Kylee as if he had just remembered. To Audrey he said, “She’s late for an appointment. Let me walk her to her car and then we’ll talk, okay?”

  “It’s okay—I’ll catch up with you later. See you around.” Audrey retreated down the sidewalk.

  Without a word, Kylee began walking in the opposite direction as Audrey, leaving Bill behind. He had to run to catch up with her. “You weren’t very nice,” she told him.

  His forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. “That’s where you’re wrong. I really like Audrey. As a person, though, not as someone to have a relationship with. I can’t give her what she wants, Kylee. I can’t give it to any woman. It’s not in me to give. I’ve tried to explain it to her, but she takes it as a challenge. The faster Audrey gets over her infatuation with me, the sooner she can develop a trust in herself, and some confidence. Then she can find a good relationship with someone else. What she’s looking for now is someone to save her. That’s not good. A new life takes more than a facelift.”

  “She thought we were together last night.” Kylee turned her flushed face away.

  “We were together.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I know, but you’re so fun to tease. Seriously, though, it’s better for her to think
I’m not available. Don’t worry. I’ll still be her friend.”

  Kylee knew he was right to some extent, though she didn’t approve of his methods. When her marriage with Raymond had ended, she had also been desperate for attention, for someone to take care of her. She had endured several bad relationships before she learned that Kylee was the only one who could take care of Kylee.

  “Okay,” she relented. “But, you know, it’s my reputation at stake.”

  “I’m sorry, Kylee. I shouldn’t have used you that way.”

  She pushed her shoulder against his playfully. “I forgive you. Just don’t do it again.”

  “I promise.” He squinted into the early morning sun. “Excuse me a minute, but how far out did you park anyway?”

  “Oh, I forgot. I had to park outside the gate.”

  “You what? Why didn’t you ring me?”

  “It was getting late. I didn’t want you to say no.”

  “Stubborn. I remember that now. You were always stubborn.”

  “It’s a good quality, right?” Kylee raised a fist, warning him not to disagree.

  “All right, all right. But how did you get over the . . . you didn’t climb, did you?”

  “I guess the security camera got an eyeful.”

  “I bet it did. You better hope there were no crimes committed last night.”

  “Stop it!” Kylee said the words but didn’t mean them. It felt good to be teased. She could almost imagine the intervening years and all the heartbreak hadn’t occurred.

  They walked through the gate to Kylee’s car. She opened the door.

  “Got a pen and something to write on?” Bill asked.

  Kylee slid into the car and opened her purse, glad to see that nothing had been disturbed or stolen. Apparently this was a good neighborhood. “Here.” She shoved a pen and pad at him.

  He jotted something down and handed it back to her. “It’s my code for the gate. Just in case you ever need it. And my phone number.”

  “Thanks.” Kylee felt awkward now, looking up at him. They had shared so much during the past hours, but all at once there was a gulf between them. Was it Nicole? “I guess I’ll be seeing you.” She inserted the key into the ignition and brought the engine to life.

  Bill ran his hand along the edge of the open door, his other hand resting on top of the car. “I’d like to get together again some time. In fact, I have to attend a dinner for plastic surgeons in L.A. next Saturday. I didn’t want to go, but they’re giving me an award, or something. I’d like you to come with me. It’ll make me look good.”

  “To fend off the ladies?” Kylee wasn’t sure she wanted the role.

  “Something like that. Come on, you owe me. I went to your dinner.”

  “I have another one in two weeks for Children’s Hope,” Kylee countered. “I’ll make you a deal. You come to mine again, and I’ll go to yours.” If he was going to use her as a prop, then she could do the same.

  “Do I have to make another donation?” he asked with a grin.

  She flipped on the heater, hoping the car had warmed up enough to unthaw her feet. “Of course, you do. If you can afford it.”

  “Okay. It’s a deal. You keep the women away from me, and I’ll go to your dinner and make a donation. Sounds fair.” He stuck out his hand and Kylee shook it.

  “Goodbye.”

  “Kylee, one more thing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “You came here last night to thank me, but it’s me who should thank you. I’ve never talked with anyone before about Nicole. I thought I would never want to, but it helped.”

  Kylee smiled gently. “You’re welcome.” At least she had accomplished what she had come to do.

  Bill stepped back out of the way and slammed the car door shut. Kylee saw him wave as she drove away, her thoughts in a jumble.

  Shaking her head, Kylee turned onto the freeway, glancing at the clock on the dash. Now she would be lucky to have five minutes to shower and change when she arrived home. Good thing her lesson was already prepared.

  * * * * *

  Bill watched Kylee drive away, wondering at the unfamiliar feelings in his heart. Was it because talking about Nicole lessened his pain? How had sharing his memories of her with Kylee accomplished that great feat? Was it because Kylee had also known and loved Nicole?

  The words Kylee had said about Jesus kept returning to him. It was beyond his comprehension that one person would give his life for another. Bill understood the instinct of self-preservation only too well. Five years ago on the subway when the bombs had detonated and the fire had begun, he had thought solely about himself, about the excruciating pain he was experiencing as the flames engulfed them. Not even Nicole’s screams of agony and terror had pulled him from his self-absorption. Only later, after his pain dimmed, had he been able to concentrate on finding his new bride. That was when he internalized her screams—the ones that still found their way into his nightmares.

  At least Kylee hadn’t pestered him about helping the children after his first refusal. The last thing he needed was to have someone depend on him—or to fail again.

  Shaking his head to ward off the memories, he walked slowly back to his condo under a rising sun that was still too weak to give real warmth to the earth. As he passed the gate, he thought about Kylee climbing over it in order to come see him. The funny image cut through his memories of the burning train.

  Drawing a large breath of cool air into his lungs, he laughed aloud, feeling alive and tingly. It had been a long time since his laughter had been real.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Bill didn’t feel nervous until he walked up to Kylee’s third-floor apartment door Saturday evening, a week after the charity banquet. He told himself he was excited to be with her because her presence made him feel as if Nicole were near, but was that the only reason? Take it easy, he thought. This is just a deal we made, not a date. Yet the anticipation of seeing her again had been building for nearly a week. He had thought about calling her—but what would he have said?

  Kylee opened the door with a cheerful smile. “Hi. Come on in. I have to get my purse in my room.”

  He whistled appreciatively, eyeing the glittering bronze and gold dress she wore. It was long sleeved and completely modest, but the snug fit and the design of the bronze over gold gave it the allure of a strapless dress. The warm colors set off her blond hair and green eyes better than the silver dress she had worn before. “You look wonderful!”

  She spun around for him and gave a little curtsy. “I told you I have a lot of these things. This is my favorite, though. I haven’t worn it for a while.” She took his arm and led him inside her living room. Unlike his condo, her apartment was small and filled with furniture, color, and life. “Look around, if you like. I’ll get my purse.” She disappeared down a narrow hall.

  Bill gravitated toward the throng of pictures on the white-painted mantel above the pseudo fireplace. These would give him a glimpse into Kylee’s life. Besides a snapshot of Nicole, Bill didn’t recognize anyone in the pictures. Probably friends or family he had never met. Was one of the men Kylee’s ex-husband? One small picture in an elaborate gold frame drew his attention: a close up of a tiny newborn baby, eyes shut tight against the world. There was something odd about the child that Bill couldn’t pinpoint. He picked up the frame and turned it over. On the back was the single word Emily and a date nearly four years earlier.

  Kylee returned to the room. “I’m ready.” Her smile faded when she saw what he held in his hands.

  “Who’s this?” he asked, unable to stop his curiosity.

  “It’s Emily, one of the many children modern medicine couldn’t save.” Kylee’s voice held a deep sadness. “I keep her picture here to remind me that I can make a difference in children’s lives, even if I can’t save them all.” She crossed the room and took the picture from him, setting it down carefully on the mantel.

  “She was special to you.”

  “Each is special, Bill. That’
s why I have to help them.”

  He took her hand, wanting to take away her sadness. “You’re doing a great job. Three million at one dinner is proof of that.”

  “More has come in since then. We’re using it to set up a television ad campaign that I feel is going to top anything I’ve ever done before. We’ll be able to help all of the kids on Children’s Hope’s waiting list, and more.”

  “When do the ads start?”

  “Today. They’ll be on nearly every channel. Not a lot of choice spots, since those were sold weeks ago, but it’ll be enough. And I’ve bought better spots for later.”

  Bill started for the door. “Sounds like you’ve had a busy week.”

  “I’ll say.” Kylee opened a closet and took out a long duster that matched her dress. It didn’t look very warm. “The biggest problem I had was convincing Elaina and Troy—the heads of the charity—to let me use a good portion of the money I already raised to pay for the commercials. They’re afraid to lose what they have.”

  Bill helped her pull on the wrap. “With that video, you can’t go wrong.” Out in the hall, he waited for Kylee to lock her door before punching the button on the ancient elevator.

  “That’s what convinced them. Of course, I had to whittle the video down so that most spots will be either thirty or sixty seconds. Now I’m in the process of trying to get the news on each station to do a story on us. That way we can gain some authenticity in the public eye.”

  “So the people don’t think you’re making off with their money.”

  “Exactly. Several of the newspapers have already agreed to carry the full story.”

  “When the TV ads are aired, how will you collect the donations?”

  “I have a company I usually work with. They’ll have a crew ready to answer the phones when people call in to make donations with their credit cards.”

  “See? You’re amazing.”

  She smiled at him. “Thanks.” The way she said it told him something. She wasn’t thanking him for the compliment, but for getting her mind away from the baby in the picture.