This Very Moment

by Rachel Ann Nunes

  “That means contributions will pick up.”

  “I think they’ll at least triple in this state, and the broadcast might get picked up nationwide. I was so excited that I had to call and tell you.”

  “I’m glad you did. I’m really happy for you.”

  “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night at the banquet.”

  “That reminds me,” Bill said. “Would you believe I actually got some business from that first banquet?”

  “Who was it? Someone from our table?”

  There was an awkward silence, as though Bill regretted his words. “Just a lady. I guess I really shouldn’t have brought it up. I don’t know why I did. Patient privacy and all that.”

  Kylee was too curious to let it drop. “It was Mrs. Boswell, wasn’t it? Audrey’s friend. It has to be her—I saw how interested she was. What did she want? Liposuction, a facelift?”

  “Well . . .”

  “Come on, Bill. You have to tell me! I’m going to be running into her again, and I want to make sure I don’t say anything to offend her. Besides, I think it’s great that she felt comfortable enough to go to you.”

  “I thought you didn’t agree with casual plastic surgery.”

  “Not really, but if it makes her feel better about herself, then maybe she should do it.”

  “That’s just it. I don’t think she has a problem with her appearance. I don’t believe she even wants to do it. I think her friends are pressuring her. So I recommended a good face cream and put her on a diet and exercise program. With any luck, she won’t feel the need for liposuction.”

  “Good.” Kylee had seen liposuction done once on a TV program and it hadn’t been pretty. “I guess that means you really are a good doctor. I wish you could be the one to . . . never mind. I’d better get on my way.”

  “Okay, we’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Kylee hung up the phone, wondering again why Bill didn’t want to help the children with their surgeries. He actually seemed to care about his patients—even the overbearing Mrs. Boswell—and had donated a lot of money to Children’s Hope. That showed he cared about the children at least up to a point. So why didn’t he want to get involved further? She shook her head and started for the door.

  Despite Bill’s odd attitude toward doing surgery for the children, it sure had felt good to share her news with a friend she could trust with her feelings. Once, she had felt that way about Raymond—before he had deserted her. The comparison didn’t stop her budding hopes for the future. Bill wasn’t Raymond and wouldn’t act like him. And while she wasn’t Nicole either, perhaps there would be room enough in his heart for both of them.

  What concerned her most was that he claimed not to believe in God. But couldn’t people change? She had. Bill might too, given the right circumstances. Maybe she could show him the way, as someone had shown her.

  She began whistling aimlessly as she slid into the seat of her car, thinking again how wonderful it was to have someone she could tell her good news.

  * * * * *

  Bill heard Kylee hang up, but he still gripped his phone, knowing what she had wanted to ask and relieved that she hadn’t. He didn’t want to think about becoming involved with those children any more than he already was. What if they couldn’t be helped? What if their deformities couldn’t be repaired to an acceptable degree? Would they look at him with reproach in their eyes, as he imagined Nicole had done while she burned in the train? He had recognized that some of the children Kylee wanted to help had diseases that were degenerative. Even with surgeries they would digress, and some would eventually die. How could he agree to be involved with something so terrifying? He’d already lost too much. Better that he give sterile money and stay a safe distance away.

  I’m sorry, Nicole. I know you’d want me to, but I can’t.

  He leaned his head on his fist and tried to calm his racing heart, replaying the conversation with Kylee in his mind. Her voice had been vivacious and alive, and Bill was grateful for her call—that she felt close enough to him to want to share her news. He had wanted to talk with her all week, but each time he picked up the phone, something had stopped him.

  I can’t help her. I can’t do it.

  He took a deep breath. What bothered him even more was that he hadn’t thought about Nicole for at least two days. As much as he had tried to forget her these past five years, that had never happened before.

  He looked at the phone still clutched in his hand and put it in his pocket carefully. He thought again of the excitement in Kylee’s voice and how happy he had been to hear from her. She was like a slice of day in the darkness of his night.

  In their exchange he had forgotten to tell her his own good news. Well, there was still time to get down the TV station. The address should be in the phone book.

  * * * * *

  When Kylee arrived at the TV station, Elaina and the children were already being filmed. Anna Johnson, the youngest of the two children, clung to her mother’s hand as she stared at the reporter. Anna had been adopted from Korea. She had a bilateral cleft lip, and a complete cleft palate. One of the clefts on her lip had been poorly repaired, and the other remained unaltered. Kylee also remembered hearing something about her having a temporary palate that badly needed surgery. Anna would have received it earlier, but her father had died soon after her adoption and her mother didn’t have the funds to pay for the necessary surgeries. They had contacted Children’s Hope several years earlier and Anna had eventually worked her way to the top of the list.

  “So you have a bilateral cleft palate.” The reporter spoke distinctly so that Anna could understand. The little girl had gone untreated for middle ear disease—fluid present in the middle ear at birth—and as a result suffered some hearing loss. “Anna, can you explain to us what that means?”

  “I have two places on my lips that need to be fixed,” she replied, her words garbled. “Right here and here.” The little girl touched the thick scarred line on one side of her top lip and then the opening on the other side, both of which reached clear to her nostrils.

  Anna’s clefts were certainly unappealing, and because of them it was easy to overlook her beautiful eyes and her thick, shiny hair. Kylee thought how terrible it was for a child to have to deal with such disfigurement and the emotions that went with it. She had learned that otherwise Anna was like any other five-year-old girl. She craved the love and attention she was so often denied because of her birth defect.

  “I also have a complete cleft palate,” Anna volunteered, pointing inside her mouth.

  “And what is that?”

  “It means I don’t got a roof inside my mouth like other people, just one a doctor put there. But they say I gotta get a new one ’cause the one I got was only supposed to be there a little while.”

  “Children’s Hope is going to fix these all these clefts?” the reporter asked.

  Anna nodded.

  “How do you feel about that?”

  Anna glanced at Elaina with tears in her eyes. “I love them,” she said. “I’m so happy because when they fix me, I’m going to have a friend. Now no one wants to play with me.” Kylee understood the words, but Anna’s mother had to convey the child’s meaning to the reporter.

  “I’m sure you will find a friend,” the reporter answered, her voice thick with sympathy for Anna’s wish.

  Next, the reporter turned to Jeffery Rivers, whom Kylee had first met when she had made the video. The left side of his face was badly scarred, an ear was partly missing, and one eye could only open halfway. The damage occurred when he had been caught in the same accidental fire that had taken his parents’ lives two years earlier. Now he lived with his grandfather, who loved the boy but couldn’t pay for more surgeries or qualify for government help.

  The reporter tried to talk with Jeffery, but although he was eight, he was even more shy than Anna. For this reason, Kylee had never used him at any of the banquets, although she had believed his appearance would have been an effe
ctive motivation for the guests. Above all, the children must come first. She and Elaina both hoped that today’s situation would be less threatening for him.

  “The kids tease him,” his grandfather said to cover Jeffery’s silence. “He’s afraid.”

  Eventually the reporter gave up trying to elicit a response. Instead, she asked Elaina about her future plans for Children’s Hope. Elaina’s face shone as she explained, and Kylee was impressed with her composure and conciseness. “Our goal is to one day have enough funds so that we never have to turn away children like Anna and Jeffery,” Elaina summarized at the end.

  “I hope you meet that goal,” the reporter replied. Then she sat back. “We’ve got enough, I think. Thank you.” She looked around the studio. “Is the fundraising person here yet?”

  Kylee stepped forward. “I’m here.”

  “Have a seat.”

  Anna left her mother and ran to Kylee, who hugged her tightly. “I hoped I would see you,” Anna said.

  “Me, too.” Kylee hugged the little girl again, reminded vividly why she worked so hard.

  Kylee’s interview went quickly as she told about her fundraising efforts and how people could help. When the brief interview was over, she felt disappointed that she would not be allowed to help them choose the final version of her appearance, but she couldn’t force them to let her stay. They knew what they were doing, and she would have to trust them.

  “Thanks for coming in,” the station manager said to Kylee after the filming.

  “Thank you for having us.” She turned to leave. If she hurried, she might make it home in time to actually see the spot as it aired. She wished now that she had taken Bill up on his offer of dinner. It would have been late, but at least she would have had someone to watch the clip with. Should she go over to his condo? He had given her the code to the gate. No, he might not be home, and besides, the distance was longer to his house; she might miss the spot altogether.

  Who else could she share this triumph with? Her best friend, Suzy, was a flight attendant and nearly always gone somewhere. Her other friends were younger and most likely out on dates—except for Becky who had married last year and now had a child. Most of her older friends she had lost contact with over the years. She sighed. Usually she didn’t miss Raymond, but tonight she did. And also Emily, who would have been nearly Anna’s age by now. Kylee wondered what her life would be like if Emily were home waiting for her.

  She didn’t see him until he stepped in front of her in the hallway outside the studio. “Bill! What are you doing here?”

  “I had to come see the taping for myself. You were good.”

  She laughed, all her melancholy swept away. “Thanks. I’m glad you came.”

  “So do you want to hang out?”

  “Well, I was going home to see the spot.”

  “I’ll meet you there—if that’s all right.”

  Kylee gave him a smile. “I’d like that.”

  When they arrived at her apartment, she hurriedly switched on the television. “Good, it looks like the news just started. They said I’d be the third or fourth story.”

  “Have you eaten?”

  “No. I was too nervous.”

  “How does pizza sound? I can text in an order.”

  “Are you kidding? I love pizza. It’s my favorite food.” She laughed and added, “After s’mores that is.”

  He pushed a few buttons on his phone. “I seem to remember that. Mushrooms, right?”

  “No, everything but mushrooms.”

  Bill looked deflated. “Oh, all right.”

  “Hey, it’s on! Look! It’s Elaina with the kids.” She turned up the volume, a smile growing on her face. “Not bad. Not bad at all.” Even Jeffery’s refusal to speak was touching and real.

  “It’s great,” Bill agreed, coming to stand next to her. The spot ended with Kylee’s interview and a plea for help. A toll-free number for donations rolled across the screen.

  “That reminds me.” He pulled out his wallet. “I have a surprise for you as well. These have been arriving at my office. Apparently, many of my fellow plastic surgeons have seen your commercials and wanted to donate. Since I mentioned it at the dinner, they sent it to me to make sure it got there. I suppose they are too busy to call eight-hundred numbers.”

  Kylee’s eyes widened as she accepted the checks. “Another miracle. It seems since we met up again my life is full of miracles.” For a moment she thought she had said too much, but Bill smiled.

  “For me, too.”

  They stared at each other for a long minute. Slowly their faces came closer, each watching the other carefully. Their lips met, softly at first, and then with more passion. Kylee’s heart pounded in her ears. She pushed closer, wanting to melt into him. She had only felt this way with a few men in her life, and one had been Raymond. Everything was perfect.

  The pizza arrived then, and they went to answer the door. A teenager stood outside in the hall, her bright smile as big as the tip she hoped to receive. “How much do I owe you, uh . . .” Bill glanced at her name tag and said in a strained voice, “Nicole.”

  “Cole,” the girl corrected. “Short for Colleen. And that’ll be fifteen dollars and eighty cents.”

  Bill gave her a twenty. “Keep the change.”

  “Thanks!”

  Kylee shut the door. She watched Bill, but he didn’t meet her gaze as he carried the pizza to the coffee table. “Got any napkins?” he asked, opening the lid. “Pizza’s good, but messy.”

  She touched his shoulder. “Bill?” He took his hands away from the box, finally meeting her eyes. “What just happened?”

  He shrugged. “I thought her tag said Nicole.” He sat down and put his head in his hands. “I guess I was thinking about her. Wondering what she’d say if she knew I was kissing you. I kept telling myself that she doesn’t exist anymore. She doesn’t care about anything now.”

  Kylee sat next to him. “I think she does exist. Somewhere. But I don’t think she wants either of us to be unhappy, do you?”

  “If she were alive, no, she wouldn’t want us to be unhappy. But she wouldn’t want us to fall in the sack together either.” At Kylee’s reaction, Bill groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. “I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t. Please forgive me. I’d better go.” He arose and reached for his coat where he had laid it over the couch.

  “What about the pizza?”

  “Suddenly I’m not so hungry.” He backed away.

  Kylee sought desperately for a reason to stop him from leaving, feeling that if he walked out now, she would never see him again. His guilt over losing Nicole must run far deeper than she had realized.

  “Bill, wait!” He hesitated as she came to the door. “Please don’t go. About what happened before, let’s just forget it. I need a friend, you need a friend. I’m willing to leave it at that. Can’t you stay and have a pizza with an old friend?”

  He studied her face for a long moment. Then he shrugged off his coat. “Okay, let’s eat.”

  Gradually the tension eased and they talked as though nothing had happened. Kylee found herself telling Bill about her family in Minnesota. “My Dad’s a college teacher. Physics, if you can believe it. For a while he was pretty sure I’d follow in his footsteps because I was always so interested in his work, but I went my own way. He was pretty disgusted when I found religion. He always taught me that man was the ultimate creation of evolution. For a long time I believed him.”

  “What happened?” Bill asked, taking another slice of pizza.

  Kylee set down her paper plate. “Raymond left. Emily died. I finally had a reason to search out the truth for myself.” She gave a small laugh. “My dad, of course, says that religion is an invention by men to answer the unanswerable and to fool themselves into a state of false happiness.”

  “He does have a point,” Bill said dryly.

  “That’s what I used to think.”

  After a tense silence, Kylee asked, “Do you want that l
ast piece, or can I have it?”

  He grinned. “You take it—if it’ll fit in your stomach. I’ve never seen anyone put away so much pizza.”

  “You mean a woman put away so much pizza, don’t you?” They both laughed.

  Companionably, they finished their dinner and bid goodnight. “Now don’t forget the banquet tomorrow,” she told him. “If you don’t show up, I’m going to call Audrey and those two doctor ladies and tell them you’re up for grabs.” She was only half joking.

  “I’ll be there. A deal’s a deal.”

  And what then? Kylee wanted to ask. She was beginning to care about Bill as more than a friend but how could she compete with Nicole’s memory? If Bill couldn’t arrive at a point where he could pledge his heart, then in pursuing him, she was only pursuing her own heartbreak—and a broken heart was something she never wanted to experience again.

  For now she would give it time. But how long? When did it become too late? How long did it take to fall in love?

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Bill felt like an idiot after leaving Kylee’s apartment. What is wrong with me? he thought. He had gone out with women in the past years and had occasionally kissed them and more. With Kylee it was different. Why? Was it because she had known Nicole? Why when he had kissed Kylee did he imagine Nicole’s face staring at them sadly?

  For the first time in weeks he thought about his older brother in France. It would be nice to call him and talk it out, but the time difference made it early morning there and his brother would most likely be asleep. Saturday was the only day Jourdain was able to sleep in since he had church on Sundays. But Bill knew from experience that by the next morning his desire to talk would have vanished. Maybe what he needed was a good workout at the gym. No, it was late and the gym would be closed. Of course he could go in early tomorrow morning. Thom, a colleague, would be there. He was an experienced man in his fourth marriage, and maybe he would let something slip that could help. He wouldn’t actually ask for Thom’s advice, though, because then he would have to explain about Nicole. Bill grimaced. Maybe just pumping the iron with Thom would be enough to clear his mind.