Not This Time

by M. A. Binfield

  “Just your own sweet self.” Maddie couldn’t stop the words from coming out. She felt a deep blush rise from her feet to her cheeks.

  “Did I hear that right?”

  “Er, no. Maybe.” Maddie groaned. She used to be cool once. Was still kinda cool actually. But never around Sofi.

  “I’m guessing that you’re blushing hard right now.” There was a smile in Sofi’s voice. “I always loved it when you blushed—I still do if I’m being honest.” The words were low, sultry, and flirtatious, but Maddie was pretty sure that Sofi was just playing with her. She’d probably be embarrassed if she knew the effect the words were having low down in Maddie’s core.

  “Come any time after midday.” She couldn’t wait to hang up. She needed two hands for the massive face-palm she owed herself.

  “I’ll bring my sweet self just as soon as I can.” Sofi’s parting words didn’t spare Maddie’s blushes.

  “Damn.” What the hell was she doing? This thing with Sofi was something she needed to get a grip on. However unhappy she seemed, however much Maddie was attracted to her, Sofi was in a relationship. And even if she wasn’t, Maddie had spent the last three weeks telling herself that getting too close to Sofi was a bad idea. She shook her head and cursed again softly. Obviously, inviting Sofi to come hang out at her house—in her swimsuit—was not the best way to guard her heart and Daya was going to give her all kinds of shit about it.

  * * *

  Sofia had intended to call Felix, collect her swimsuit and some food, and head straight over to Maddie’s, but it hadn’t been that easy. The call hadn’t gone well. He’d been annoyed with her for canceling and made things sound difficult to rearrange. Eventually, Sofia had just told him she wasn’t coming and he needed to find a way to make it work. She hated arguing, but she was also sick of being told what she could and couldn’t do.

  Within minutes, her mom called.

  “Hey, Mama. I guess Felix just called you to snitch on me.”

  “What are you doing, Sofi? What’s gotten into you lately?” Her mom sounded concerned, but Sofia couldn’t help but think that the concern was about her missing the meeting rather than anything else.

  “I took the afternoon off. I felt like I wanted to. Is that too much to ask?”

  On the other end of the phone, there was quiet and she felt herself get tense.

  “Mama, the answer you’re looking for is, no, it’s not too much to ask. You work hard, you’ve worked hard for the last ten years, and in the grand scheme of things, an afternoon off when you’re supposed to be recuperating won’t matter a bit.” Sofia got the words out and then allowed herself to take a breath. “In fact, an afternoon off to relax at the beach with a friend is something I should do a lot more of, for my own mental health.”

  “Of course you should take time off when you need it, cariño. It’s just that we don’t have much time before we leave and we need to plan. You can’t be walking out on things we’ve scheduled. And—”

  “And what, Mama?” Sofia made an effort to swallow her anger as much as she could. “Why don’t you say what you’re really annoyed about?” Sofia knew, she just needed her mom to say it. They had to have this conversation at some point.

  “You being like this is because of Madison, I know it is. It’s not good that she’s back just when you need to be concentrating on other things. She’s bad for you. She always was. She makes you lose focus.”

  It was pretty blunt, but it was no worse than Sofia was expecting. The effort of the conversation made Sofia sit down on the edge of her bed, amongst the dozens of tops and shorts and bikinis that she had pulled out of her closet and drawers. She’d been trying to choose something to wear to Maddie’s when her mom had called. She absentmindedly picked up a red bikini that she used to look good in and set it to one side. She ran a hand through her hair, feeling weary all of a sudden.

  “I was tired and needing a break long before Maddie and I got friendly again. I’ve been doing this for so long now and it’s exhausting, and of course I know it’s important, but sometimes it’s just not fun anymore. I’m thirty-two, and I want a life as well as a career.” She lay down backward on her bed. The strength of the feeling was a surprise even to her.

  “And Maddie is not bad for me. You don’t even know her. She’s supportive and hardworking, and it’s good for me to have her around to talk to, to spend time with. None of you understand what this is like for me, but she does.” Sofia felt the truth of it like an arrow thudding into her chest. Maddie did understand her, she always had.

  Sofia heard her mom make a scoffing noise, and she felt anger rising in her body.

  “Did you have something you wanted to say, Mama?”

  “I don’t want us to argue, Sofia.”

  “But here we are.”

  “Maddie made you very unhappy. She was horrible to you, about you. They all were. I can’t believe you’ve forgotten. I know you think she loved you, but if she did, why did she walk away and why did she treat you like that? She is not a good person and it’s not good for you, or for your career, to be getting close to her again. Did you forget what people said about the two of you the first time around? It wasn’t nice. And now it’s going to be much worse. She already told everyone about her own private life, and now she’s encouraging you to make videos where you run around Paris chasing women. She is a terrible influence.”

  Sofia was in no mood to hear any of it. It wasn’t just the casual homophobia, it was that her mother’s concern was always as much for her career as it was for her happiness. And every time Sofia realized that, it hurt.

  “I don’t need to be reminded that we hurt each other, Mama, I was there. And, in case you need reminding, it was me that ruined things by leaving the band. Everything that came after that was my fault, not hers. And having Maddie back in my life is making me happy for the first time in a long while, so I’m not letting her go again. If you can’t be happy for me about that, then I don’t know what to say.” She took in a breath. “And I’ve told you a thousand times that I’m a lesbian. I know you know that because you’ve spent the last ten years encouraging me to hide it. I’m sorry you hate it, but I love women.” It wasn’t even true. Sofia had only ever loved one woman.

  But trying to explain any of it to her mom was pointless. She stood up. She was going to spend the afternoon with Maddie and Mateo, and she was going to enjoy it. Nothing her mom could say would change her mind about it.

  “What’s the point of selling records, filling stadiums, winning awards, if I’m not happy while I’m doing it? There should be afternoons where I hang at the beach with friends and don’t feel weighted down by everything. There should be whole weeks like that.”

  The reality of it hit hard. Sofia had been so busy fighting to stay at the top that she had forgotten how to enjoy making music, and she had definitely forgotten that there was more to life than her career. It had taken Maddie coming back into her life to show her that things were missing.

  “I’ve gotta go.” Sofia ended the call and busied herself getting ready. Her choice of words when talking to her mom had been interesting. She hadn’t wanted to let Maddie go the first time around either, but Maddie had turned her back on her, and on their relationship. And she hadn’t been able to do a thing about it. This time, she had a chance to try for a different outcome.

  * * *

  Sofia hummed softly to herself as she parked alongside Maddie’s house. It wasn’t all that fancy by Ocean Drive standards, but it looked like it was in pristine condition and she liked the fact that this end of North Beach was quieter, with the houses more spread out. Before even getting out of the car, Sofia could hear and smell the ocean which, looking past Maddie’s house, was barely fifty yards away.

  She reached across to the seat next to her and picked up her backpack. She shook her head at how heavy it was. She hadn’t been able to choose an outfit, not liking how she looked in any of them, and in frustration, knowing that—thanks to her mom—she w
as much later than she said she’d be, she’d put on the red bikini, covered it with shorts and a tee, and shoved several other items of beachwear into the bag in case she changed her mind.

  She grabbed the bag of food from the back seat, walked up the path, and rang the bell. Her heart was beating as fast as if she’d run here. She tried to calm herself. She wasn’t on a date. She had no reason to be anxious or afraid. This was Maddie and Mateo and they were going to have a relaxing afternoon together just hanging out and taking out Maddie’s Jet Skis. And I’m gonna see Maddie in her swimsuit. Sofia’s pulse quickened unhelpfully at the thought.

  The door opened wide enough for Mateo to poke his head into the gap.

  “Fia,” he said his version of her name excitedly and reached out a hand for her. Her heart melted at the warm welcome. The door opened fully, and she was astonished to see Daya looking at her with a cautious expression.

  “Hey, Sofi,” Daya said as Mateo wrapped his arms around her legs.

  “Daya. Wow. Good to see you.” Sofi let herself be pulled into the house by Mateo, his tiny hand tugging at hers. Her mind was racing. She hadn’t expected Daya.

  “Maddie’s just taking a quick shower.” Daya led them into a large open living area. “She won’t be long.” Daya was measuring her words carefully, and Sofi felt awkward. Like they were strangers, not two people who had lived on a tour bus together for the best part of five years.

  “I didn’t know you were going to be here.” Sofia cringed. Her choice of words sounded like she didn’t want to see Daya. And she did. Leaving the band had cost her a friendship with Daya, as well as her relationship with Maddie. She was glad to see her. It was just a little weird.

  “I live in Miami.” Daya’s tone wasn’t friendly, but it wasn’t unfriendly either. “I’m around sometimes.”

  “I know. Maddie said. It’s good, it’s great. That you can see each other. I just meant that I didn’t know you were coming today.” It wasn’t her most coherent sentence.

  Maddie appeared at the bottom of the stairs, and the sight of her made Sofia’s mouth go dry. Her hair was still damp from the shower, and she was wearing frayed cutoffs and a white linen shirt. The shirt hung open and did little to cover the black bikini top and the beautiful creamy skin visible underneath. Sofia told herself—as she had done every thirty minutes since Maddie had invited her to the house—that they were just friends hanging out for the afternoon, but the ache low down in her center suggested that her body didn’t quite believe her. Mateo released her hand and ran to Maddie. She scooped him up, gave him a kiss, and put him down again.

  “Hi, Sofi.” Maddie lifted a hand in greeting, and as Sofia managed a nod in response, she noticed a look pass between Maddie and Daya. Daya’s raised eyebrows weren’t hard to miss. And when Maddie shrugged and tied the shirt loosely at the waist, Sofia was grateful for the respite, hoping Maddie covering up a little would help her recover the power of speech.

  “That’s a pretty big bag for an afternoon at the beach.” Maddie pointed at the backpack on Sofia’s shoulder. “Tell me it’s not all croquetas.”

  “They’re in here.” She held up the brown bag. “Croquetas and,” Sofia crouched down next to Mateo, “coconut pastelitos.” She was rewarded with a big smile.

  “Oh boy. He’s your friend for life now.” Maddie jerked a thumb in Daya’s direction. “This one too. You wouldn’t guess from looking at her, but she’s made of one-third water and two-thirds flaky pastry.”

  Sofia smiled, happy to have done the right thing.

  Daya turned from Maddie and addressed Sofia properly for the first time. “Maddie figured that since you guys have managed to bury the hatchet, you and I should try to do the same. I agreed, and that was before I knew you had pastelitos.”

  “Sounds good to me.” Sofia shuffled from one foot to the other, unable to hide her anxiety. This was weird. She was going to be hanging out with the two people who knew her better than anyone but, after everything that had happened between them, were practically strangers.

  “Daya, why don’t you show Sofi around while I get the Jet Skis ready and put some chairs out on the deck.” Maddie reached out for Mateo’s hand. “Mateo’s gonna come help me.”

  As Maddie walked through the large sliding glass door leading to the deck, she turned back and caught Sofia blatantly checking out her ass. Maddie’s eyes widened before she looked away quickly. Sofia felt a little ashamed of herself, but given how incredible Maddie looked, she wasn’t surprised by the hot feeling in her body.

  Daya headed over to the couch and motioned for Sofia to follow. Daya’s face was much more serious than it had been when Maddie was with them, and she guessed she wasn’t getting a tour. A sick feeling started in her stomach. Daya had a sharp tongue—Sofia had watched her lash out with it plenty of times—and she really hoped that this wasn’t going to be one of them. They had a lot of hurtful things they could say to each other.

  “It’s been a long time.” Daya sounded calm enough. “Probably too long. And I’m sorry about that, about all of it.”

  “It’s—” Sofia started to respond, intending to say to Daya that it was okay, that she understood, but she didn’t. She’d eventually understood why Maddie had stayed away, but Daya hadn’t been heartbroken and she could have found a way to keep being Sofia’s friend, even at a distance. “You and Maddie see a lot of each other?” Sofia already knew from Maddie that they’d stayed close, but she wanted Daya to say it.

  “It’s been easier since she moved back here. I’m away sometimes, but when I’m home, yeah. It’s been great getting to know Mateo.”

  “I live in Miami too—when I’m not traveling.” Sofia wanted Daya to know that she had been here the whole time. “I would have loved to have seen you. We were close. It was hard to lose you as well as Maddie.” She made herself say it.

  “I know. At first, I was just mad as hell at you for leaving, for thinking you were too good for us. But then I calmed down and figured it was an opportunity we’d all like to have been given. I even told Maddie not to hate you for it, to try to at least save the relationship, even if the band was finished. But when they told us all that stuff about how badly you’d used us, how you’d been plotting to leave for months, I was raging pretty hard for a long time. And I hated seeing what it did to Maddie, seeing how much being used by you hurt her, so I took sides. I’m not sorry about that.”

  “I didn’t use you or Maddie. I didn’t want to lose her. And I would have stayed in the band longer if they’d let me. But the record company had already decided I was a lost cause and they were going to make the band work with just the three of you. After it all happened, I was in pieces too. You think losing Maddie, losing you and Suzy, was easy for me?”

  “It can’t have been easy. I know that now. But at the time I just thought you were selfish and callous and deserved everything we threw at you. All that success you had while the rest of us were struggling? I resented it. And I was too naive to understand they were playing with us, happy we were tearing each other down because the feuding was good for sales.”

  Sofia could tell from her face that Daya had something else to say. “What?” She was tired of things not being said.

  “When Maddie said she was working on your house, I told her to stay away because I didn’t want her to get sucked in, didn’t want her to get hurt again. But Maddie’s made it clear that you’re not the person they said you were, that you suffered just as much as we did, even if it didn’t look like it. And I figured that if you and Maddie can sort things out, then there’s no reason why we can’t spend an afternoon together without it being awful.”

  “You told her to stay away?”

  “Yeah, sorry. I reminded her that you guys had crashed and burned pretty badly once before and said I still didn’t trust you.”

  Daya had always been blunt.

  “We were good together for a long time, Daya. She was my best friend as well as the love of my life and I never stopped miss
ing her. It’s been so good to be able to spend time with her.” Sofia didn’t know why she so badly wanted Daya to approve of her and Maddie being in each other’s lives again, but she did. She needed someone to understand why they were doing this.

  “I know that and Maddie has said the same thing to me.”

  Sofia felt her heart race at the idea that Maddie might have missed her just as much as she had.

  “But I also saw up close just how awful those months after you left were.” She shrugged.

  Sofia wanted to object, wanted to remind Daya that she, and everyone else, had closed a protective circle around Maddie and frozen her out. And she’d been left lonely. Lonely and brokenhearted. It had taken throwing herself into her career to feel like life had any kind of a point.

  Daya put a hand on Sofia’s arm, bringing her back into the here and now. “But Maddie tells me you’re both doing okay with it and you’re being nice to each other so I’m trying not to worry so much.”

  “Of course we are.” Sofia couldn’t imagine doing anything to hurt Maddie.

  “And you have Noah now and you guys seem pretty serious and solid?” The question was a strange one, and Sofia resented having to talk about Noah yet again. She was so sick of the lying.

  “Not particularly serious and not particularly solid.”

  “Really?” Daya’s eyes widened. It obviously wasn’t the answer she’d been expecting. It wasn’t the answer Sofia had expected to give either.

  “Yeah. It’s just…” The contract he’d signed meant that she couldn’t tell the truth—though she badly wanted to—but it didn’t mean she had to act like he was the love of her life. “It’s the scheduling. We’re never together. It’s impossible to make it serious. I know everyone always acts like we’re about to get married, but it’s nothing like that. We’re probably not even going to last much longer.” It was true of course, but not in the way that Daya would understand it.

  “Okay, wow, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. We both got into it with our eyes open.”