Belong
Page 2
“I know about Dr. Ryan.”
“What about her?” She turned her head to the side, unable to hold her stare.
“I have pictures.”
She shoved me. “You had me followed? What is wrong with you? What she and I discuss is private.”
“You’re having an affair with your doctor. Do you think I’d be okay with it because she’s a female? Is this some kind of fantasy you have? I’m telling you right now, I’m not sharing you. You’re my damn wife, and if you think for one second I’m going to let you leave me and take Harper away you’ve got another thing coming. I’ll fight you for custody, Veronica. I’ll do whatever I need to in order to make sure my daughter has me in her life, every single day.”
She turned and faced the wall, standing only inches from me while breaking down. Her hands came up to her face as I remained watching her react to being caught. “It’s not what you think. I’ve been struggling, and she was helping me.”
“Helping you?” I let out an air-filled cackle. “Is that what you call it? Does it help if she’s between your legs when you’re telling her about our problems?”
She turned, her grimace full of hate. “Don’t do that. Don’t you dare make this a mockery because you’re angry. I didn’t do this to hurt you; to hurt us. It just happened.”
It was odd to me that she’d only assume I was angry. Didn’t she understand how much it was torturing me? I’d spent the entire day agonizing over what to do next with my life. I felt like I was about to lose everything. “Answer my question. When did you stop loving me? Was I just a safe-haven for you? Did I offer you stability? Was this all some sort of head therapy for you, because it wasn’t for me. I love you. I’ve always loved you, even when you seemed to want nothing to do with me.”
“You’re being ridiculous. I do love you. I would have never married you if I didn’t.” I watched her step out of the shower and obtain a towel off the rack behind the door. Her long wet hair was dripping down on the marble floor, making it too slick to jump out and follow her quickly.
I crossed my arms over my chest and expected her to storm out of the bathroom, finding she had remained instead. “Chad, I never meant to hurt you. I told her we had to stop.”
“So, you know it’s wrong. That doesn’t mean you don’t love her. There’s a huge difference between stopping and not wanting to.”
She covered her face again.
I finally chanced busting my ass to get close to her again. Within seconds I was out of the shower and face to face with my seemingly tormented wife, not that I was too concerned about her feelings at the moment. “Please don’t do this, Chad. Please don’t,” she begged.
“Don’t what? I just want the truth, no matter how much it will hurt. Are you gay? Is that what this is?”
She shook her head. “No.” She attempted to reach for me. “I’m not gay. I don’t know what’s happening to me.”
I sighed and looked away for a moment, struggling to not feel sorry for her. “What happens now? Do I need to find a lawyer?” She kept quiet. “I deserve to know if this is going to blow up in my face, Veronica. What are your plans?”
She shrugged. “I’m so confused. I know I love you. I know this is where I should be, but something is wrong with me. When I’m with her I feel safe.”
“I don’t make you feel safe?” She was crushing my soul, one sentence at a time. “Haven’t I done everything in my power to protect you; to understand what you’ve been through?”
“Yes,” she reached for me, finally latching onto my wrist and pulling me closer. “Babe, please don’t think it’s anything you’ve done. This is all me. I’m fucked up in the head. No matter how hard I try to be normal – to be what everyone expects of me, I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m living a life that’s fake.”
“Fake? Look around you. We have a great life.”
She nodded. “We do.” I was finally able to look into her tear-filled eyes. My own started to sting. This intense moment between us was anything but settling, but at least we were communicating which was more than we’d done in months. “I’m selfish. I’ve taken everything for granted.”
I reiterated my earlier question. “What happens now? What does this mean for our marriage?”
“I’d suggest therapy, but -.”
I interrupted. “Yeah, that’s not going to happen. As far as I’m concerned, it’s either going to be me and Harper, or your therapist. I’m not willing to share you. I don’t give a shit if she doesn’t have a dick. You’re still cheating, and I’m not okay with it, not after everything I’ve done to be with you. Have you considered what this would feel like for me? We’re not dating, Veronica. You made a commitment to me. Do you not understand what that meant?”
“Of course I do. It just happened, Chad. I swear. It wasn’t premeditated. She was comforting me and it happened, okay. Are you happy now?”
“What happened exactly?”
“Don’t do this. Don’t ask for things you know you don’t want to hear.”
“I WANT TO KNOW!” When I raised my voice Veronica jumped. She took a step back away from me, her flustered face revealing her sheer fear.
I followed her into the bedroom, standing over her as she sat down on our bed. It was hard to imagine her being with someone else on our mattress, but for some reason I could see it vividly playing out. Every man fantasizes about having two women, but in this situation it wasn’t sexy at all. I felt threatened. “Like I said before, she was providing me with emotional support. I’ve been having nightmares again.” She cried harder.
Maybe I should have stayed stern, but I had mercy for her damaged soul. Her nightmares about her uncle had been happening since the truth was revealed. I can’t begin to count how many nights she’d spent pacing because she was afraid to close her eyes. I used to make her feel safe, but now I knew she’d gotten used to me. She longed for someone to help her alleviate the pain she couldn’t seem to let go of.
I sat beside her, putting my arm around her shoulder as she wept. “Nothing is going to hurt you, Veronica. He’s dead. He’s not coming back.”
She nodded. “I know. Trust me, I know. He’s always there though, in the back of my mind. They won’t stop, Chad. I didn’t want to tell you about it. You’ve been so busy lately, and it’s my problem. I couldn’t come to you.”
“It’s our problem. You’re my wife.”
“Dr. Ryan, Shelly, she’s been helping. I’ve been seeing her twice a week for the past few months. In that time we’ve grown to be friends, maybe more I suppose. I’m not a lesbian, but we connect. I think I’m drawn to her because she has the answers to help me. She makes me feel the safest.” She paused for second. “I’m not trying to hurt you, or our marriage. You think I don’t love you, but I do. Something has changed though; something inside of me. I care about her too.”
“What are you saying? Are you telling me you don’t want this?” I wasn’t even certain I did.
Her sobbing was getting to be uncontrolled. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”
It was too much for me to handle. In that moment I couldn’t be the understanding husband. I had to walk away before I said things I’d regret later. It was important to calm down before we continued the conversation. “I’m sleeping downstairs tonight.” I took a pillow, and my phone, including the charger and headed in the direction of my office, in hopes of being able to rest in the midst of all hell breaking loose in my life.
In the hallway I saw Harper with a stuffed bunny rabbit in her arms. “Daddy, I’m scared.”
She’d obviously heard us fighting and been frightened by it. I hated the idea of her not being able to understand. I picked her up and carried her back to her room, nestling up beside her on the twin-sized bed. “Daddy won’t let anything happen to you, pumpkin. I promise.”
I waited until she was fast asleep to let my emotions out. She didn’t ever need to see me vulnerable. I had to always be the hero she sought out when she was scared.
Chapter 3
The sound of my phone ringing shot me up out of bed. Before locating it on the table beside me, I took in my surroundings, remembering how I’d gotten in my daughter’s room, and more importantly why.
Bile rose to my throat as I focused in on the caller, realizing right away it was one I didn’t want to miss. I hurried out of the room and down the stairs so I wouldn’t wake the girls. I had a feeling this wasn’t going to be a good call, especially since it was so early.
I hadn’t always been a Californian. In my heart, I’d always reside on the east coast, where we had four dramatic seasons, and enough memories to warm even the most broken of hearts.
What the number also represented was the family I’d been neglecting ever since I moved across the country ten years ago. Veronica hated the east coast. When I forced her to visit, the couple times she’d agreed, it had been winter, wet and miserable. She was used to the warm California sun, so of course thought it was the most wretched place to want to be. During the last visit home, she’d taken Harper and left early, because she said the weather was causing her to be depressed.
I shook off the thought, not needing any more reasons to resent her.
I answered abruptly, figuring it had something to do with my elderly grandfather, who’d raised me ever since my parents both died. He’d not only provided me with an education and a roof over my head, but he’d deeded me his company in order for me to fulfill my own aspirations.
His health hadn’t been great in years. He’d gone through cancer treatment several times, and doctors were baffled that he’d gone into remission at his late age.
“Hello?”
“Chad, it’s Gracie. I’m calling with some bad news. I’m afraid your grandfather has taken a turn for the worst. He’s in the hospital, but the doctor isn’t optimistic about him coming home this time. He’s having me call to get him into hospice care.”
“Damn. That’s terrible.” With everything else on my plate I struggled to find the words needed to comfort the old woman. She’d been taking care of him for years, even before my grandmother passed away. In many ways, Gracie was like a grandparent to me, and I knew she was going to take the news especially hard. Going home wasn’t even a difficult decision for me. “I’ll be on the first flight.”
“Will you need a ride from the airport?”
“No. That won’t be necessary. There’s no telling what time the flight will arrive, and I don’t want you to have to leave him to come get me. I’ll take a cab.”
“Will you be bringing the family with you? I know he’d love to see Veronica, before he…” She broke down before she could finish the sentence. “I’m sorry, dear. It’s been a difficult day.”
“Don’t explain. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Hang tight. He’s in good hands. Try to get some rest. I’ll be there before you know it.”
When I hung up the phone, I knew I had a bunch of decisions to make, some temporary, while others were permanent. For the time being, I had to worry about my grandfather first. My marriage was going to have to wait to be figured out.
While I knew Veronica was still upstairs, I got on my computer and starting searching for a flight. After booking the first one I could get to in time, I headed upstairs to pack a few things.
She was sitting up in bed looking at her phone. When I entered the room she turned and greeted me with a smile. Her eyes drew me in, while the horrible truths of the night before lingered in my mind. I clenched my jaw and tried to relax. “My grandfather is doing bad. I got a call earlier. I need to head to D.C. this morning. They think he’s going to be put in hospice.”
Veronica stood and walked toward me. Her arms wrapped around my back and I accepted her support, doing my best not to lose my shit. “I’m so sorry, Chad. I know how much you love him.”
Veronica didn’t care for my grandfather, but I couldn’t blame her. He was a pervert by nature, always teasing women about little things they did or wore. The moment he met her he complimented her beauty, taunting me about the reason I’d tried so hard to be with her. That was all it took for her to put a wall up when it came to him.
“My flight is in two hours. I better get going.” I pulled away fast, not wanting to stand close to her any longer.
“Chad, wait. What about last night? We need to talk about it. Do you want me to cancel your appointments? Should I bring Harper and come with you?”
“No. Stay here. I’ll make the calls to the office while I’m on the way to the airport. There’s nothing you can do right now. Tell Harper I’ll call her tonight.”
“You are coming home, aren’t you?”
Her question made me somewhat happy. At least she wanted me around. “Besides Harper, do I have a reason to come home?”
“Don’t say stuff like that. We’ll get through this.” She looked down at the floor. “I’m going to tell Shelly I can’t see her anymore, professionally or otherwise. It’s over, Chad. I’ll do whatever you ask. Just don’t give up. Harper can’t come from a broken home.”
In that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks. Veronica wasn’t concerned about our relationship. She wanted our daughter to come from a solid family who lived under the same roof, even if she had to keep up with our charade of a marriage.
It was then when I realized everything I’d felt for her was coming to an end. I couldn’t trust her. After what she’d done, I didn’t even know if I could like her. How much of our marriage had been a façade I’d probably never know, but I did feel like all hope was lost. She’d never be the woman I needed her to be, no matter how hard I worked to keep her content. We were settling, and I was done pretending it was anything else.
During the ride to the airport, I remained focused, doing my best not to think about all the shit going on my personal life. My only concern was getting to my grandfather and making sure he didn’t pass away without me by his side. I’d made him that promise when I moved to California, and I was determined to keep it.
The flight was long, with terrible turbulence. I wondered if it was God’s way of putting me out of my misery. Maybe the plane would go down and I wouldn’t have to deal with my marriage falling apart, or losing someone dear to me.
It’s amazing how I’d spent the past ten years building something from the ground, only to want to throw it all away and start over again fresh. It would have been much easier than dealing with the problems head on. How did I fix someone who was incapable of changing? Veronica didn’t ask to be the way she turned out. She also didn’t force my hand into marrying her. I’d been the one to push.
Now I was living with a woman who’d rather be with someone else than talk to me about her problems. I felt insignificant, like nothing I’d done could alleviate her struggles or my sorrow. We were at a catch twenty-two with nothing left to hope for. I’d been going through the motions with blinders on, content on the idea of pretending we were the perfect family, when in fact we were far from it.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved my wife. I’d strived to be the best husband and father. I’d been understanding and faithful. As far as I was concerned, Veronica was a lucky woman.
While sitting on the evidence of her adulterous actions, I pondered on a few things. How much of my marriage was fabricated? Was Veronica capable of loving someone when she clearly didn’t love herself?
Maybe I was the person who needed therapy.
While people worked efficiently in the seats beside me, I stared out the small plane window wishing all my troubles would cease to exist. I thought about how to keep my daughter shielded from what was to come, and how I would still be the hero when I knew I’d be blamed for letting her down.
I’d never wish my daughter wasn’t born, but I did wish she never had to experience pain. We were so close; two peas in a pod. Even spending a night without her cheerful company left me lonely
and miserable. I couldn’t imagine sharing custody with Veronica.
By the time the plane landed, I was in need of a stiff drink. I pulled my luggage to the first bar I came to and ordered a shot. “Um, let me get a bourbon.”
It was strange for me to order a drink I rarely remembered ever having. There were so many other shots to do the job, yet my instinct had led me to one with a lot of history connected to it. The bourbon heated my throat as it coursed down my esophagus. I stood, playing with the glass for a few seconds, recalling another time I’d had this same concoction, and how it changed my life.
Rachel. She’d been my grandfather’s go-to when he was still running his company. He was fond of her work ethic, and her ability to conquer any task. I remembered him telling me to watch out for her; that she could take my spot from right under me if I didn’t play my cards right.
I’d been just a teen, but taken his words seriously. She was a force to be reckoned with, and I knew he’d keep her close no matter what I decided to do with his company once he retired.
It seemed like a different me back then. Ever since I first saw her as a teen I knew she was someone I’d love to be with – a woman who set an example for all others. She was in her twenties, young and stunning. Her body was shaped like an hourglass, her brown hair long and flowing. I could still recall the shape of her lips perfectly, and the way they’d felt when I finally got the chance to press mine against them.
Rachel.
Her name echoed in the furthest part of my mind. Still to this day I thought about her, and how I’d done the right thing by walking away.
She was the only other woman I’d ever loved, and even my life with Veronica couldn’t begin to compete with the connection we’d shared in the little time we had together.
Being home was bringing it all back again; the memories, and mostly the pain. I’d left her with something to remember me by, and for a while we kept in touch for business purposes. I still wondered how she was doing, but hadn’t spoken to her in years.