Belong

by Jennifer Foor

  I ordered another shot in hopes of calming my nerves. I needed to get to the hospital to be with my grandfather, instead of thinking about all the reasons I picked up and moved across the country.

  It was weird how she was in my thoughts, especially since I was going through hell. Maybe that’s why my mind kept wandering back to her. Maybe she’d always represented solace. At any rate, Rachel was happily married, with a family of her own. Being a memory was all I had left of her, and it needed to be enough for me.

  I had to focus, even if reality was going to tear me apart worse.

  Chapter 4

  Three shots. After paying the tab, I carried my luggage out to where ground transportation was located. Being familiar with this particular airport helped me get there efficiently without asking for directions or having to follow the signs.

  By the time the alcohol started to relax me, I was hailing a cab. I told the driver the hospital I needed to get to, and he quickly pulled into traffic to take me there.

  During the ride, I sent emails out, mostly to my assistant, letting him know I had a family emergency and would be away for a few days. I shot Veronica a message, but kept it short and simple. Even thinking about loving her was making me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn’t remember the last time I had anything to eat, or even if I wanted to attempt to get something to hold me over until I left the hospital.

  Something in my gut told me I was about to get terrible news. I don’t know why this time felt different. Sure, my grandfather had fallen ill before. He’d always snapped back, somehow, someway. This time though, I knew he wouldn’t be as lucky. For some reason this felt permanent, even before I’d set eyes on any of his doctors.

  I spotted Gracie as I made my way down the long white-walled halls that led to the intensive care unit. The smell, which I finally recognized as feces, filled my nostrils with a pungent odor. I covered my nose with my hand as she led me into a private room, and pulled me into her arms. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “I got the first flight.” I peered over in the direction of my grandfather. Two nurses were crouched down, cleaning up the remnants of what his bowel bag had left behind. I cringed again with disgust while giving Gracie my undivided attention.

  “His body is giving out, Chad. There’s little they can do for him. They’re just trying to keep him comfortable.”

  There was a burning in my throat, pressing my fears and pain to show their ugly face. This was too much to handle. I thought I could remain strong, but first my marriage, and now this. “What are you saying? How long does he have?”

  The nurses finally left the room, probably because they were afraid what I’d say or do next. I could imagine they were used to family members freaking out on a daily basis.

  She began to tear up. “Hours. If we’re lucky, maybe a couple days.”

  I turned away and looked down at the man who’d raised me; the man who’d taught me how to be the person I was today. He’d inspired me, and never let money control my life. He’d taught me what was important, and to embrace my dreams, even when they took me away from everything I’d ever known. This man was my mentor. He didn’t deserve to suffer, no matter how much I wished he had more time. “Has he been awake at all?”

  “I’m afraid he’s been in and out all day. They’re giving him morphine for the pain. It’s keeping him sleepy.”

  “Can you give me a minute?” I asked.

  She came over and put her hand on my shoulder. “Even if he’s asleep, I know he can hear us. It might be a good time to get your goodbyes in, Chad. I don’t want you to miss the opportunity. I know how much he means to you. I’ll be outside if you need me.”

  I nodded when she left, but never turned to address her. My mind was focused on one thing, on the one man I owed everything in my life to.

  I reached forward and ran my hand across his. His skin was colder than mine, his wrinkled hands wired up to a drip line, his veins more apparent than I remembered them being the last time I’d visited. With his eyes closed he looked peaceful, even though I doubted it was the case. He was ready to give up, and I had to come to terms with it.

  I spoke softly. “Hey, Granddad. It’s me, Chad. I’m here.” I could feel a warm rush of fluids falling down my cheeks, but refused to wipe it away. “I got here as fast as I could. I promised you I would. I promised you I wouldn’t let you down.” I had to pause. It was too heartbreaking to continue. “I wish there was something I could do for you. Just know I’m here. I’ll stay with you.” I squeezed his hand a bit.

  All of a sudden I felt his hand twitch underneath mine. I lifted my head to find his lids opening. He had oxygen tubes covering his mouth, but I could tell he was trying to say something. I lifted it away only a couple inches to be able to hear him better. His air-filled voice was almost a forced whisper.

  “Be happy. Be happy Ra.”

  I didn’t know what he was trying to say, but I got the gist of it having to do with my happiness. It was entirely too much to accept. I had to lie to the man, because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if his last dying wish wasn’t fulfilled. “I am happy, Granddad. I have everything I’ve ever wanted.”

  He started to shake his head, and then began a fit of coughing. I put his oxygen tubes back on and moved away as a nurse came in to check on the situation. In that moment, all I could do was stand there watching him suffer. I hated it, but knew he needed my support. I was a man of my word.

  I didn’t head back in his direction until the nurse walked away. I put my hand over his again, reminding him I was still there. “You look like crap, old man.”

  He kept blinking, almost smiling with his eyes. I tried to do the same through my tears, while he struggled to speak again.

  I looked to make sure there wasn’t anyone watching before lifting his tubes away one more time. “Home. Come. Ra. Happy. Ra.”

  He made no sense. I nodded, not knowing what to say in response. Then he slowly faded off to sleep, his monitors reminding me he was still with us.

  I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting bedside, hoping and praying this wouldn’t be the last day of his life.

  I’m not really sure what time it was when I heard someone come into the room. I’d fallen asleep to the constant sound of my grandfather’s vitals. When I finally sat up and opened my eyes I was in shock. I should have known she’d kept tabs on him, but I never expected to see her, not here in the hospital after I’d just been thinking about her.

  Her hair was longer again, opposed to the last time I’d seen her when she’d cut it short. She’d darkened it and added a few layers. It was bone straight, sitting against the shoulders of her tight-fitted cotton T-shirt. Her jeans allowed every single curve of her hips to be on display.

  When my eyes finally met hers, I was at a loss for words. Good thing Rachel did all the talking. “I was wondering if you’d be here. I knew Gracie called you. She’d been so upset when I spoke with her earlier.”

  My voice cracked as I replied. “I came as soon as I got the news. He’s lived a long life.”

  “That he has.” Rachel took another step closer, reaching the opposite side of the bed. She looked down at my grandfather, leaned her face forward, and kissed him on the cheek. “He’s fought for too long, Chad. When I spoke with him last week he told me he was tired. I thought he just needed a nap, but now I wonder if he knew time was running out. He talked about strange things.”

  “Like what?” I inquired curiously.

  She shrugged. “He asked me about us.”

  Right away I noticed her wedding ring on her finger. Of course she’d still be married to Grayson. I don’t know why I hoped differently since I was in the same predicament. This woman standing before me would always hold a place in my heart. It was just hard accepting that was all she’d ever be. Rachel had never been mine to begin with. We were together on borrowed time, what seemed like ages ago. “Us?”

  “I figured you’d told him.”

  I shook my head
. “I never said a word. I mean, for a while we weren’t very discreet. It’s not like we were keeping it a secret.”

  “Maybe he never felt comfortable mentioning it because he thought it would strain our friendship.”

  I smiled. Rachel had been an amazing friend to my grandfather. In many ways I think he thought of her as being family. “He loves you. He always has.”

  She knew I didn’t mean it romantically. Rachel’s head bobbed up and down while she started to sniffle. “I know. I love him too. He’s been there for me so much. I wouldn’t have anything if it weren’t for your family.”

  “He knows how hard you worked for the company, Rachel. You know he wanted you to have it when he couldn’t work there any longer. You took over what I didn’t want any part of.”

  “It’s still going strong,” she added.

  She didn’t have to mention it. I checked up on it as often as I could. “You’ve made a name for yourself.”

  “His name will still remain though. I want everyone to know where Leviathan Agency started from.”

  After she said it the room got quiet. For the life of me I couldn’t think of a single thing to talk about. My mind went to a million places, but my mouth refused to cooperate.

  Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, the monitors above my head started going off with a red flashing alert. Soon the room filled with medicals workers and Rachel and I were shoved out until they could get everything under control.

  “Did he sign a DNR?” I asked her.

  She looked at me and shrugged. “I don’t know.” She seemed just as panicked as I was. “Oh God, this can’t be happening.”

  We watched through a tiny glass opening, both praying this wouldn’t be his last moments alive. All I kept thinking about was how I’d promised I’d be there for him, but I was a few feet away and unable to get to him. I placed both hands on the glass and prayed for a miracle.

  Then there was the sound of the machine when the lines stop receiving data. I turned toward Rachel with a pained grimace. “No. He can’t leave yet.”

  Her saddened face was enough to cause me to burst into tears. I turned my head away to avoid feeling worse.

  Minutes later the sounds stopped. There was no beeping. It was just silence.

  He was gone. My beloved grandfather had taken his last breath while I watched from afar. When the doctor came walking towards us I turned and hauled ass out of there. I couldn’t stand to hear anyone tell me it was over. He was all I had left of my mother, of any memory I’d had since her death. It was too much to bear.

  Gentle arms wrapped around my shoulders. I turned and fell into Rachel’s embrace, not even realizing what was happening. She cried, and then I matched her with my own bellows. There, in the waiting room of the intensive care unit we both cried for the man we’d loved.

  Rachel was the first to let go. She backed away and straightened her clothes. I watched her gather some tissues and wipe her face. She handed me a few. “He’s not suffering anymore, Chad.”

  I nodded. “I know. It’s just hard to believe.”

  “He lived way past what was expected. We were blessed with extra time. Many people can’t say they have that.” When Rachel broke down again it made no sense to me. She was trying to soothe me one minute and then losing it the next. She shook her head and covered her face. “I’m sorry, Chad. I can’t do this again.”

  When she walked away I was left wondering what the hell had just happened. What couldn’t she do? Had I left such a lasting impression she couldn’t be around me, even when someone we both cared about had just passed on?

  It made no sense.

  Once again I was left to suffer in my own despair. I had no one to comfort me, or promise life would get easier. My idol was gone, and all that remained was a broken man to carry on his legacy. It was the lowest point of my entire life.

  Chapter 5

  I don’t know what I expected to find when I walked into my grandfather’s dark mansion. There were no voices or lights making me feel at home. Though full of furniture, it felt empty. Before taking another step inside, I sat my phone down on the table where my grandfather had always put his. I didn't turn on a single light on the first floor. There would be too many reminders lurking that I wasn't ready for.

  Instead, I made my way up the large circle staircase to head straight into my old room.‎ I knew once I closed the doubles doors no one could get to me; to talk to me about the great man he was, and everything he left behind. I couldn't begin to face the slew of people who would send condolences. I refused to call home because I knew the mess I'd left there. Veronica didn't even know about my grandfather's passing, and I wasn't sure she'd care, at least not about him. I knew Veronica had feelings for me, but had no idea what they involved. She was the person I needed to give me comfort. She'd promised to stay committed to me until death. Now I wondered if she'd known all along it wasn't going to last. For all I knew, Veronica hadn't been in love with me for a long time, perhaps even before Harper had been born.

  I was stripped down, surrounded by wreckage. There wasn't someone to reach out to for support. The only person who could understand my pain had run away from me at the hospital. She made no sense‎, and I was too broken to ask for her to explain. My soul was damaged, cursed to suffer unimaginable torture and irreparable regret.

  With everything going on, my mind kept traveling back to Rachel. She'd been there when my grandfather took his last breath. She'd held me. We'd held each other. For a few short moments it was like time was stripped away, bringing her to me when I was falling apart at the seams. I never believed in fate. I'd made my own decisions to get where I was. ‎I didn't feel like anything cosmic had changed my life, not until today. Perhaps it was a coincidence. Maybe she'd been visiting my grandfather before he'd fallen ill, and Gracie knew she'd want to know if something was wrong.

  I felt disturbed he'd keep it from me, like he knew if he talked about Rachel it would cause me strain.

  She hadn't been easy to get over. God knows I was still trying to forgive myself for letting her go. Seeing her today had only brought back residual feelings I thought were buried. It was safe to say they were the only thing keeping me from losing my shit over and over again. Sure, I was breaking down, falling onto my old bed and letting the pain show it’s ugly face. Every memory was like sudden flashbacks playing out in my mind, reminding me of the silence I heard when I knew he’d left me. I didn’t regret having flown in to be there, but I hated not being the one to hold his hand. I wondered if he was lucid enough to know I wasn’t far. I hoped when he went he hadn’t suffered. If there was a beautiful heaven, I hoped he was already in it, probably laughing at the mockery I’d made of my life.

  A low vibration could be heard from the foyer. I was able to tell my phone was ringing and probably going to fall on the floor, except I didn’t give a shit. Who could be calling? My wife? What did I have to say to her?

  Then I thought about Harper. She didn’t have a clue why her daddy had to go away, and after she heard her mother and I arguing, I knew it was important to soothe her with whatever reassurance she needed.

  I turned the light on to my room and looked around to see if the landline was still plugged in. I was too beat to rush downstairs to answer the call. Reluctant to hear Veronica’s voice, I dialed the number and waited.

  “Is everything okay? I’ve been worried.”

  “He’s gone.” So was my voice after losing it so many times during the day. I was barely able to get the words out. “He passed away earlier today.”

  “Why didn’t you call me? I could have booked a flight.”

  I scratched my head and plopped down on my mattress, succumbing to exhaustion. “Just wait until morning. I have no idea what kind of legal shit I need to handle.”

  “Will you need help planning the funeral?” She asked.

  “No. He’s had that done for years. I think I just need to get in touch with the attorney and go from there.”


  “You’re going to have to make a lot of calls. Harper and I will be on the first flight out in the morning. Can I do anything else? Do you need me to bring your suit?”

  “Yeah. That’s probably a good idea. I haven’t had much time to think about anything else. I feel like everything is falling apart.”

  Talking to my wife, thinking about our problems, it just broke me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was miserable, and knew she was probably feeling the exact same way. “I’m sorry about last night, Veronica. I lost my temper.”

  “You have every right to say the things you did. I don’t blame you, Chad. I’m at fault here, not you. This is my mess to clean up.”

  “By cleaning up, do you mean get a divorce?”

  “You know now isn’t a good time to talk about this. Besides, there is someone here who wants to say hello.” I could tell from her tone she was trying to hide her feelings from Harper.

  “Hi, Daddy. Where are you? Mommy said you flew in a plane today. Are you coming home?”

  “Do you remember Granddad Charles?”

  “That old man with the big house, right?”

  “Yeah. That’s him. He went to heaven today.”

  The line was quiet for a second. “Are you sad, Daddy?”

  “Yes. I’m very sad, pumpkin. It’s hard to say goodbye to people you love.”

  She began to whine on the phone. “I don’t like it when you’re sad.”

  “Me either. That’s why you and Mommy are coming here to cheer me up. I’m going to need lots of hugs and kisses. Do you think you can bring some of those with you?”

  She giggled. “Okay.”

  “Be a good girl for Mommy and sleep next to her tonight. Daddy’s going to be thinking about you. I love you. Let me talk to Mommy now.”

  Veronica got back on the line. “I’ll call you when I know our flight information.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  “Chad, it’s important you know I’m going to be there for you. Whatever you need.”