My One Night: An On My Own Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  Ice filled my veins, and my mouth went dry. “Shit. I didn’t think.” I hadn’t wanted to. I’d wanted to push away the problem so no one would have to deal with Dave. But Dave wasn’t going away. Not easily. Damn it.

  “No, you didn’t. Because you’re a Connolly, and you have your head up your ass trying to protect your family by ignoring the situation and thinking you can handle everything yourself. Well, now that we know, we’ll handle it. With you. But don’t think you have to do it all on your own.”

  “It’s fine. He’s not your dad. You don’t have to deal with him.”

  “I had to deal with a dad who wasn’t the greatest either,” Brendon said slowly. “Remember?”

  My mouth filled with sawdust, and I nodded. “I remember.”

  “You don’t get to do this alone.”

  “I’m fine. I just need to go. Check on Elise.” My hands shook, and I honestly didn’t know what to do.

  “You do that. But maybe we need to sit down as a family and talk about who this man is. And exactly where he’s been.”

  “I don’t want to,” I said quickly. “I have shit to do. Work and school and Elise and just…everything. I don’t want to deal with him.”

  “It doesn’t seem like he’s going away, Dillon,” Cameron said softly.

  I knew that, but I was in denial right then. How could the man tweaking out on something be the man who’d fathered me? “Yeah? He just walked out. He’s good at that. He’s nothing to you guys. And, yes, I guess we’ll all talk it out later because that’s what we do, but just give me a minute, okay? Let me think.”

  Brendon opened his mouth to say something, but Cameron shook his head. “Go. Go home, hang out with your roommates, check on Elise, do whatever you need to do to remember that that guy doesn’t matter. But in the morning, we’re going to talk. Because you’re our family. Our brother, Dillon. You don’t get to do this alone.”

  I fisted my hands at my sides. “There’s nothing about this that’s anything. It’s nothing,” I lied.

  The pity in their gazes was something I didn’t want to deal with. They’d all had shitty parents and had led more challenging lives than I had ever dealt with. Yet all I wanted to do was run away and not think about any of it.

  I couldn’t, though, because it was always there in the background, reminding me that I had come from worthlessness. That I had been nothing. That I had only made it as far as I had by the grace and power of my brothers.

  And I still hadn’t earned it.

  No, I remained the son of a gutter trash whore and whatever John she felt like having that night. That’s what the kids in school had called me once, and that name would never leave my mind.

  I grabbed my things and headed out.

  I looked down at my phone, but Elise still hadn’t texted. Maybe that was good.

  She could deal with her things, and I knew she was strong enough to do so.

  I didn’t want to taint her with mine.

  Chapter 14

  Elise

  * * *

  “Do you know where I put my psychology book?” I asked as Corinne leaned against the doorway.

  “The last time I saw it, it was on your desk where you were working, but that was last night. Did it fall under the bed or something?”

  I scowled, dropped to my knees, and looked at the perfectly lovely book under my bed. “How do things move around my room like this? Like, how did this even get there?”

  “Because when you’re stressed, you start randomly moving into different positions trying to study. I don’t know how you make it work. Sometimes you end up curled in a ball upside down while reading, and I always find that very uncomfortable.”

  I sighed, reached for the book, and pulled it towards me. I hugged it to my chest and sighed. “I’m having a nervous breakdown.”

  “You’re not, but you are stressed out. Do you want to come out with us? We’re all going to get some coffee and maybe lunch.”

  I shook my head. “No, I need to focus.”

  “That’s all you’ve been doing since your dinner with your parents. You haven’t even seen Dillon since then.”

  I held back a cringe at that. “I’ve seen Dillon.”

  “In passing at the coffee shop as he went to class. It was awkward as hell. He kissed your forehead, you both looked at each other like you wanted to say something, and then he went away.”

  “Well, I’m sorry that I’m not having the perfect relationship for you,” I said, none too kindly.

  “Stop being a jerk,” Corinne stated. “Tell me what your parents said. We know how much they love me.”

  “They don’t dislike you,” I corrected.

  “But they sure as hell don’t like me. I’m the bad influence.” She rolled her eyes and then laughed.

  “Little do they know that I’m probably the worst influence.”

  “Exactly, but it’s fine. I will be the poor little bad influence in this family just for you. However, I wish you would tell me what they said.”

  I shook my head. “Just more of the same. I think I’m pretty much on the way to being disowned.” I did my best to ignore the twinge I felt at that.

  Corinne’s eyes widened. “Seriously?”

  “Seriously. They each have ideas for who I should be, and then went on a tirade about how I’m not working hard enough, studying hard enough, or being good enough to be their precious daughter.”

  “Did they actually say that?” Corinne asked, her voice low, angry.

  “Not in so many words. But after Dad stormed off when I said I wasn’t going to work on whatever internship he decided I should be in, or what my major should be, Mom grilled me on why I’d had such a tough semester.”

  “You are not having a tough semester. Yes, you have more to do than you did last semester, but you’re not flailing around or coming unhinged. You’re working your ass off just like before.”

  I sighed and pressed the book closer to my chest. “I’m focusing too much on outside things when I know I need to study.”

  “You’re always studying. More so than usual. Don’t let your parents taint what your goals were—or are.”

  “I’m not. My parents may be wrong about a lot of things, but they were right about the fact that I need to focus to meet my goals.” I didn’t get into all the untrue and rude things my mom had said about Dillon, a boy they had never met.

  “I don’t see the problem. You’re getting good grades. You’re sleeping, you’re hydrating, you’re taking care of yourself. And school isn’t just about getting good grades and working yourself to the bone. You’re allowed to have a life.”

  “I have you guys.”

  She tilted her head, giving me a pointed look. “And not Dillon?”

  Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, and I shook my head. “I have Dillon, too. I just need to remember that I’m young, and we’re not talking about marriage or anything. I need to not lose my head over a boy when things can change so quickly. Things got a little too serious too quickly already. We were only supposed to be a one-night stand, remember?”

  I knew I was floundering, scaring myself into changing things, and that was a problem. I was glad Corinne was here to help me figure it out, but that didn’t make my heart any less heavy.

  “How serious has it gotten with Dillon?” Corinne asked softly.

  “We’re sleeping together,” I whispered.

  “We both know that’s not the only thing that means you’re serious,” she said dryly.

  “So says the virgin.” She flipped me off, and I let out a sigh. “It just seems like a lot. And…I don’t know how. I think about him too much. Like he’s always the person I want to talk to in the morning, even before you.”

  “I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t hurt a bit, but it sounds like a good thing. Dillon hasn’t done anything to upset you, has he?”

  I shook my head. “If anything, he should be upset with me since I’ve been pushing him away.”

  �
�Then don’t do that anymore.”

  “I don’t know what I want, and that’s a problem.”

  “Do you just not want to get hurt, or do you want to focus on school and think Dillon is distracting you from that?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Corinne stared at me and then shook her head. “I hope you figure it out soon. I love you, you know.”

  For some reason, tears started falling down my cheeks then, and I cursed. Corinne was on her knees in a second, sitting down next to me and holding me close. “I love you, too, you idiot.”

  “You’re always the sweetest to me.” I sniffed. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I think you need to apologize to yourself. You always let your parents twist you up inside.”

  “Only it’s not just them this time,” I said softly.

  “Maybe. So, think about what you want, and don’t let yourself or Dillon get in the way of that.” She kissed the top of my head. “I need to meet Mackenzie and Natalie at the coffee shop, but I’ll talk to you soon.”

  “What about Nessa?”

  “She and Pacey are out studying.” She waggled her brows.

  I raised mine. “Really?

  “I think it’s just studying, but damn she has a crush on that man.”

  “And you don’t?” I teased.

  Corinne blushed, something I loved seeing. It was hard to tease her because she had such a thick skin and could tease harder right back.

  “I think he’s dreamy, but he’s more of a friend than anything. I like having friends.” My best friend shrugged. “And you’re one of them. But I think Dillon could become one, and not just as the guy you’re sleeping with. Make a decision so I don’t end up getting close and then get hurt. Because it is all about me.”

  That made me laugh, and my tears dried up. “Okay, I will think about what I want in life so I can make you happy.”

  “That’s all I ask.”

  Corinne kissed the top of my head and then headed out.

  “Make good choices!” she called out, and I shook my head before standing up and putting my book on the table.

  The doorbell rang soon after she left, and I frowned, wondering who it could be. I went to the door, looked through the peephole, and steeled myself.

  It seemed I would have to figure out what I wanted sooner rather than later.

  I opened the door, and Dillon stood there, his backpack slung over one shoulder, and his hands in his pockets. “Hey,” he said. “Sorry for not calling ahead. I left the library and was passing your house. Thought I’d say hi.”

  “Hi,” I said softly and stood awkwardly in front of him. After a moment, I took a step back, realizing that I was just letting him stand on the porch. He walked in.

  “Hi,” he said again before he leaned down and brushed a kiss against my lips.

  I nearly cried again and figured I must be hormonal or something. I didn’t always cry at the drop of a hat, and I wasn’t a fan of doing so right now.

  “Studying?” he asked.

  “Yes. Or trying. I lost my book.”

  “Was it under your bed?” he asked dryly.

  Something twisted inside. I wondered what it could be. How did he know me so well? Maybe we were spending too much time together. Was I taking him away from his future plans? Between his family, work, and studies, I knew he was having trouble catching up in some respects. Not all of his courses had transferred, and he had to work double-time on some things. Was I standing in his way? Or was I just telling myself that so it wouldn’t be so hard when I thought of him standing in my way?

  Once again that voice in my head sounded like my mother’s. Not mine. And I hated it.

  “Do you mind if I study with you?” he asked, searching my face. “I can leave if you need space, but I figured since we’ve both been so busy recently, we haven’t seen each other that much.”

  I winced. “I’m sorry. I have been busy.”

  “I get it. You’re working, we have papers, and it’s a little intense. But we haven’t talked or seen each other beyond a passing glance since your dinner with your parents. How did it go?”

  I knew he would ask that, so I sighed and gestured for him to come into the living room. I already had a few notebooks out since that’s where I had been studying when I realized I’d lost my book. “It went fine. I guess.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “They’re forceful in what they want me to be. And I get it. They saw me becoming one person and steered me that way, and I’m not exactly doing what they want.”

  “You’re in college, getting a degree, and you have a career plan. I’m not quite sure how that isn’t what they want.”

  “But I don’t want to become a heart surgeon, or a family practice doctor, or an oncologist, or anything that my parents set aside for me.”

  “And while those are all admirable and tough disciplines, they aren’t the only things that exist.”

  “I know that. Yet it doesn’t make things easier when it comes to what my parents see for my future.”

  “You can talk to me...”

  There was something in his gaze that I couldn’t quite read. And I didn’t understand why I was having such trouble with it.

  I would like to tell him...everything. And maybe that was the problem. Perhaps I liked him so much that I was ignoring everything else around me. I wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship or anything that would lead to marriage and babies and a life I didn’t even know I wanted. And it wasn’t that I couldn’t want that. It was more that I didn’t know who I would be next semester, let alone after. And if things got too serious, I didn’t care if I got hurt in the process. That’d be my fault.

  But I refuse to hurt Dillon. And everything just hurt too much.

  Or maybe I was burying myself in my drama and ignoring the fact that we hadn’t talked about where we were or how serious my feelings were toward him. I was having that meltdown I had so studiously ignored, and I needed to focus.

  “You okay?” Dillon asked again.

  I smiled brightly. “I’m just fine.”

  He tilted his head. Stared at me. “You’re lying. I mean, if you’re not okay, you can tell me that. If I need to go, you can tell me that. I just wish you would talk to me.”

  “Dillon...” I began.

  He shook his head. “I know we didn’t go into this thinking we would be anything but a fun night together, but that changed a while ago, and we both know it.” He paused. “Maybe it changed a bit too fast.”

  My heart raced, and I looked up at him. “What?” I asked, wondering how he could read my thoughts and why it hurt so much.

  “I just... I need you to talk to me. I like the sound of your voice. I like listening to you. But you don’t talk.”

  “Maybe I don’t want to,” I said, defending myself even though I knew this was my fault.

  “And why don’t you?” he asked, his voice icy.

  “Because I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to think, okay? I just need to write things down and think about it, and then I’ll be okay. But I can’t do that if you’re here because you always scramble my thoughts, and it’s hard for me to focus.”

  He nodded tightly, his eyes going blank. “Fine. Breathe. I understand. When you’re ready, I’ll be here. You need to be ready, I guess.” And then he turned on his heel and left, surprising me.

  I hadn’t meant to say what I did because I’d needed to understand what I felt about him first. And honestly, I’d needed to know what he felt about me. And yet, he had left so quickly. He was hurting. Hurting so much more than I had thought possible. And I didn’t know why.

  But because I was selfish and self-indulgent, I didn’t ask. I was so worried about my problems that I didn’t even think about his.

  He’d left the door open after he walked out, and I wondered why until I looked up and saw Mackenzie in the doorway. “I think I interrupted something,” she said, her eyes wide.

  “I just…I think
I fucked up,” I said and promptly burst into tears.

  Mackenzie ran in, slamming the door behind her, and held me close as I sank to the floor. “It’s nothing you can’t fix. We’re one step away from being teenagers. We’re supposed to be moody. Our brain chemistry is still figuring itself out. It’s okay, just breathe. We’ll find a way to fix this.”

  I sniffed and wiped my face. “I don’t know. I’m such a jerk. I can’t focus, and I know it’s not Dillon’s fault. It’s mine. It’s my parents’. But mostly mine. And I’m taking it out on him.”

  “Because you trust him and know he can take it.”

  “But that’s not fair to him. I screwed up.”

  Mackenzie reached for the tissues, and I took the box, wiping my face with one as I pulled a few more out. “I’m such an idiot.”

  “You’re right, you are, but we all are sometimes.”

  “Really?” I asked, laughing.

  “Of course. I’m an idiot all the time when it comes to Sanders. And we’ve known each other since forever. But we talk it out, and we figure things out. Sometimes, it takes a little bit longer than I would like, but we do. You and Dillon just need to talk. And even though they say it’s so easy to have open communication and talk to one another, it’s not. Finding that balance where you can open yourself up and know that you might be hurt but trust the other person not to hurt you? That is the bravest thing you can do. I know school is hard, and I know that you’ve been dealing with your parents, and even though I’m not your roommate, and we’re new to being friends, I understand. You just need to figure things out, and that’s fine. But maybe you should figure things out with Dillon. He’s a good guy. If you don’t know what you want, if you think it’s all too much, then tell him. But make sure that he knows that he’s important, too.”

  “I screwed up,” I said, shaking my head.

  “Maybe. But he left quite quickly, don’t you think?” she asked.

  I narrowed my eyes. “How long were you standing outside the door?

  “I realized I was supposed to meet the girls at the coffee shop and not here. As I was pulling out my phone, I kind of heard you guys through the open window. I’m sorry.”