Let Me Go

by Michelle Lynn

  My hand rubs along my cheek, the depression soaking into my every pore, I hoard it away. “Take me to him?” I ask and he nods, linking his hand with mine.

  Swiping the note and the card from the bed, I shove it into my pocket. Rob appears to have one thing in mind, to get me to Matty. He leads me to the elevator, down to the street, into the parking garage and directly to his car.

  I sit down and the fact Carly’s back in town still bothers me, but I have to focus on Matty right now. His mother abandoned him and I’m all he’s got.

  Once we’re on the highway, Rob’s eyes keep veering over to me and I detour them by staring out of the window. I’m sure he wants to discuss Carly and me running away, but I don’t.

  The one thing about her coming back is this impression of being second. Rob is my first true love and she’s just the reminder that I’m his second. If she would have stuck around after the accident, he would have never been free to be mine. It stings even though it’s irrational.

  “Paige?” his voice trembles and I close my eyes before facing him.

  “Rob, let me handle this first.” I reach over and squeeze his leg. I’m not mad at him. Hell, I wouldn’t even be mad if he ran to Carly right now. That’s the sick part of being in love with someone; all I want for Rob is for him to be happy. My heart might shatter, and only be fixed with glue, but then it wasn’t meant to be. Hopefully, if another guy comes into my life, he can weld it back together.

  “Okay.” His phone rings in his pocket and he pulls it out, inspects it, and then throws it in the cup holder. The name flashes off too soon for me to see.

  Figuring I need a distraction, I grab the social worker card and fumble through my purse to find my phone. Then I remember, it’s broken.

  I point to Rob’s phone. “Do you mind?”

  He picks it up and hands it over to me.

  I dial the number and then ask for Ginger Reed, the name on the card.

  The music plays over the line and I stare out the window.

  “This is Ginger Reed. How can I help you?” She sounds friendly and extremely young. I half-wonder if child services is her first job.

  “Hi, Ms. Reed. My name is Paige Kensington—”

  “Paige. Yes, I talked with your mom last week.”

  “You did?” My heart stammers in my chest and cold chills shiver through my body. Was this her plan? Had she planned to leave him?

  “Yes.” Her tone decreases from the magnitude of peppiness. “Were you not aware of—”

  “No I wasn’t.” I regret my harshness instantly. “She just left me your card.” My voice rises in pleasantry. It’s not her fault my mom is a basket case.

  “Okay, well, paperwork has been filled out. I have a question for you though. Paige, are you ready to have the responsibility for your brother?”

  “Yes,” I answer immediately. I’m nowhere near ready, but he’s not going with some family he doesn’t know, or worse one of those families who is only interested in the check. I’m his blood.

  “That’s great. Being you’re a family member and your mom and his dad have signed over the rights, there isn’t much to do. Can I have your address? I need to come over and visit, talk with Matty, and do some follow up. It’s rather routine.”

  I swallow; I don’t even have a room for Matty.

  “How soon will that happen?” I try to hide the panic rising as fast as my blood is pumping.

  “We’d like to do it immediately. Paige, is there something we aren’t aware of?” Guess I didn’t do an excellent job of hiding that terror from my voice.

  I glance at Rob whose eyes meet mine. He shoots over a reassuring smile. “I’ll be moving. I live with roommates right now, but I’ll make new arrangements.” Rob’s face drops and he flicks forward, shoving the car into a higher gear, speeding past a car on the freeway.

  “Okay, don’t worry, Paige. We want you to have Matty, so we’re here to work with you, not against you.” Her words calm me and I release a breath.

  “Thanks.”

  “As for now, I’ll begin some paperwork and then I’ll give you a call on Monday. Is this the best number to get a hold of you?” I hear the phone ringing in the background and paperwork shuffling.

  “No. My phone just broke. Um . . . can I give you my friend’s number?”

  What a great first impression.

  I rattle off Chrissy’s number with a little help from Rob.

  “Great, I’ll be in touch.”

  “Wait.” I stop her before hanging up. “Carl. He signed off Matty?” I can’t help the odd sensation to the fact he’d sign over the one thing he used as a threat to borrow money from me.

  “Yes, Paige. Both parents have signed over. You are next of kin.”

  “Alright.” I wish I could shake the bad feeling that Carl signing off gives me.

  “I’ll be in touch, Paige, but if you need anything. Please let me know.”

  “I will; thank you, Ms. Reed.”

  “You’re welcome. Please, call me Ginger.”

  “Bye . . . Ginger.”

  I hang up the phone and realize we’re only fifteen minutes from Western. Man, does Rob drive fast when he’s pissed off.

  “You’re moving?” His tone is mean, rude, and direct.

  I nibble on the inside of my lip, holding back the tears. “I have no choice, Rob. I can’t allow him to stay in a place he doesn’t even have a room. I’m not even sure he would be able to if we had a fourth bedroom.”

  “So, that’s a yes.” He acts like he didn’t just hear my reasons for moving.

  “Yes.” I answer how I assumed he wanted me to. No explanation, just one word.

  “Where does that leave us?” I’m thrown from his anger. Why is he mad at me?

  “The same. I just live somewhere else.” Little is he aware, I have another dart to throw his way, but I’m still grabbing the nerve to fire that one.

  “I like you living with me. We just started dating. I don’t want you somewhere else.” He’s so honest; the tears are breaking through the brick wall I’m trying to hold up.

  “Me too, but it’s for Matty.”

  He releases a breath. “I know.”

  “Do you?” I question and his head whips my way.

  “Yes, I do. But it doesn’t mean I like it.”

  “But you need to respect it and stop giving me attitude,” I snap and stare out the window as we veer off the highway.

  “I’m sorry.” His hand lands on my thigh and I wish it didn’t make my stomach flutter. “My whole life just flipped into a fuck you in the last hour.”

  There goes one tear. “Me, too.” I whisper and he rolls into a vacant parking lot.

  He shuts off the engine and his keys hang in the ignition as his arm weaves between my neck and the seat.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I know. This is going to be hard, but I told you, I’ll be there with you. We’ll get through this together. If you have to move, I’ll help you find the place, I’ll pack your boxes, I’ll rent the truck. Just make sure you have enough room for me because I’m not sure I ever want to sleep alone again.”

  He urges my head up and he has a plastered on smile from ear to ear. “Thanks, Rob.”

  I sniffle because I need to get this out without tears. He has to know how serious I am because I know he’ll fight me even though he has to see my side.

  When he moves to hold me into his arms, I place my hand on his chest. “I need you to do one thing for me.” I stare into the eyes I’ve fallen in love with over these months.

  “Anything.”

  “You have to clear your past.”

  He releases me and grips the steering wheel. “What?” he shakes his head as though I’m not making sense, but he knows exactly what I’m asking him.

  “Please, just listen to me.” His eyes fixate through the window so I continue. “I can’t be with you, always thinking you wish you were with her.”

  This grabs his attention and his head sharply jerks to me. Unable
to deal with his sad eyes, I escape through the door. I’m not surprised when I hear his door open right after.

  “You have to be kidding me?” His voice makes me spin to face him and he stalks toward me. “I fucking told you I loved you.”

  “Rob.” I place my hands on his chest to stop his approach and the water wells in my eyes. “You have to talk to her. If you decide you have unfinished love for her, go. I’ll be okay.”

  “No. You’re the one I love.” Why is he fighting this so bad? I need him to accept it and go to her. “Is this because you don’t love me?”

  My throat constricts, that he could even think it, let alone verbalize it. I place my fingers up to my mouth, using every muscle I have to be even keeled in this moment.

  “Am I right, you don’t love me?” he pushes past my hand on his chest and comes chest to chest. “I fucking love you, Paige.”

  “Are you telling me you don’t have any love for her? That when you saw her, you didn’t think what if? Maybe?” All these questions don’t come from my insecurity, only my need to not be second best the rest of my life. I want to be someone’s number one, not someone’s good for now.

  He doesn’t answer and I bite down hard on my lip and close my eyes. Instead, he drops down to his knees on the gravel pavement. “Paige. Please don’t do this. Don’t run from me,” he pleads into my stomach as his hands link behind my back. “Don’t leave me.” The tears break through my barrier.

  “I have to.” I back step but he only stays in line with me. “Rob, you need to face your past before I could ever be your future.” I drop to my knees and place my hands on his cheeks so we’re eye level. “I hope to God you come back to me, please believe that. I do love you, so much that I have to allow you to heal. Go to her before I’m too selfish and can’t let you go.”

  “I don’t want to; you’re the one I want to be with.” His voice quivers. “I love you,” he whispers.

  I close my eyes as water drops spill. “You have no idea what those words mean.” I press my lips to his. We don’t devour each other’s. Instead it’s just a loving press of our love. “Go.”

  I unlink his arms from my waist as my eyes catch a bus stopping along the curb. I jog over and sneak through before he can catch me. As the bus drives away, Rob’s head is buried in his hands.

  All the shitty things I’ve experienced in my life. This is by far the worst. Watching him hurt only stabs my own heart, but he’s ignored his feeling of abandonment too long. Carly returning is some horrible twist of fate and neither one of us can ignore it. No matter how miserable it makes either of us. My only hope is that this pull we both feel toward one another is strong enough and he’ll be coming back for me. God, I hope so.

  I IMAGINE A line zig zagging down my heart as I watch the bus drive away. As hard is it hurts and as much as I fought it, Paige had a point I didn’t want to admit. Carly doesn’t seem to want to give up either, hence a Texas number flashed across my phone on the way here.

  Rising to my feet, I inhale a deep breath. If Paige wants me to heal my past, I’m doing it right fucking now because it will only get me back to her faster. So, I fire up a text message to Carly.

  Me: You back in Mill River?

  Carly: Oh good to hear from you.

  Me: yes or no

  Carly: yes

  Me: 2 hours, meet me there.

  Carly: ( :

  I wish I had her damn phone to erase the smiley face. What the hell does she think? That she can keep screwing with my life. Fuck her. My fist slams into the steering wheel.

  After two hours and my mind racing on what exactly I’m going to say to the girl who deserted me five years ago, I pass the damn Mill River sign with the fucking quaint downtown painting that only irks me. Driving through the gates that use to bring butterflies to my stomach because Carly and I would disappear here for hours in high school. The sun is beginning its descent down past the trees signaling we only have an hour before the park ranger will kick us out.

  Driving around to our old spot, another car is parked with the lights off. My stomach twists in knots since I’m certain it’s her. I park right next to it and she hops out. By the time I exit my car, she’s out of hers, running over me and throwing her arms around my neck.

  “I knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away.” Her nose sniffs me like a dog to its owner and I wish having her in my arms didn’t remind me of all those good times. Didn’t force memories of her body in my hands and her hair tickling my skin. The harder I try to forget, the more recollections occur.

  “No.” I guide her arms back down to her side.

  She juts out her hip and places a pouty expression on her face. “Robbie.” Her shoulders fall and guilt me that I shouldn’t be mean. Remember what we went through, how I killed her father.

  “I’m back,” she whispers.

  “What do you want me to do, jump for fucking joy?”

  I begin to walk the path and her footsteps crunch on the gravel behind me. “Robbie. I want to work this out.” She catches up to me, swinging her arm through mine.

  I sidestep her. “I’m with Paige.” My voice loses my conviction and in the instant I understand why Paige wanted me to do this.

  “She seems nice, but—”

  “But what? You come running so I should just drop her and we can start where we ended?”

  She stops walking and her eyes cast down. I fight the regret from talking so meanly to her. When she steps closer and her finger trails down my stomach like she always did, I only get madder. “It’s me. Remember the shooting star? The wish you made.”

  “I was fourteen, Carly. Just because I was some insecure freshman who had a crush on you doesn’t mean that some shooting star is what made you want to date me.” I hate how I’ve used that as a crutch these last five years too. That because she kissed me that night I wished for it on the shooting star. She ruined that romantic notion the minute she fled to California.

  “It means something. We’re fated, Robbie.”

  I trudge down the path.

  “Do you have any idea how horrible it was for me after you left?”

  “Do you think it was a picnic for me? I mean he was my dad, Robbie. I was responsible for my dad’s death. I couldn’t stay here and see my family’s sad eyes.”

  “I took the blame. They had no idea what we were doing in the car. Everyone assumed I drove recklessly.” I fight her excuse. The town wanted to throw me to the wolves and console her. I should have been the one who left, not her, but I stayed because she needed me.

  “I felt guilt for that, too.” She moves over to a picnic table, sitting on top of it. “All the nastiness people were spouting about you and you just took it. Never telling the whole story.”

  I sit up to join her and she tries to lay her hand on my leg but I swing it away. Her touch doesn’t excite me anymore. There’s only one person who does and she’s not here.

  “I wanted us to go through it together, but you just deserted me. You left me to fend for myself. No one stood by my side except for my parents. You changed your number; none of your family talked to me let alone gave me your new number.”

  “I’m sorry. I just lost myself and I didn’t know how to come back. My mom’s whimpering at night, Xavier fighting everyone who looked at him the wrong way, and poor Nora, she just kept asking why. I couldn’t handle it.” Her heartfelt words do heal me slightly; they at least diminish the anger.

  “Are you?” I tilt my head in her direction. “How could you come back here and just think I’d welcome you back?”

  She shrugs her shoulders. “Because I love you and I believe in what we had.”

  “What was that, Carly? What did we have?”

  Her mouth hangs open like she can’t believe I’m asking. “An intense love. We couldn’t keep our hands or mouths off each other. Remember the car rides, the parties.” She smacks the wood. “This picnic table saw our naked asses quite a few times.”

  “It sounds more like an intense
lust,” I mumble.

  “We were teenagers; of course we were all over each other.” She scoots closer and I don’t pull away this time. She misses mentioning the small notes of promise and love I would leave in her locker. How I would get up early and drive ten minutes out of my way to pick her up for school and then drive her back home. The numerous times Coach Turner made me run laps for being late to practice because I did a favor for her. I did those things because I loved her.

  “What about actual love, Carly?”

  “You know I loved you.” She peers down at me. “You do remember, right?”

  For the life of me in this moment, I don’t. I’ve put her on a pedestal so long, I forgot about the fights. The constant arguing about some girl who approached me, or the fact I didn’t go above and beyond to get her what she wanted. The times I sat outside her house to catch her and convince her to stop giving me the silent treatment.

  Our attraction was clear, and the make-up sex was out of this world. But, now that I’ve experienced Paige, I realize, Carly and I weren’t that much in love.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  She nods.

  “Have you dated other people in California?”

  “Of course. You have, too. I heard about you coming back on Thanksgiving with some blonde. Obviously, it wasn’t your most recent girl.”

  “Her name is Paige,” I remind her through clenched teeth.

  “How many have you dated?”

  She releases an exasperated breath. “I don’t know . . . maybe ten.”

  I shake my head and huff. “Ten.” I repeat and stare over at her.

  “I’ve dated two and each one I’ve almost fucked up because of us. Actually because of you.”

  “You can’t blame me for not having a successful relationship.”

  Not able to be so close to her, I stand up. “You fucked with my mind. You still do. I’m finally at peace with the past and believe that someone won’t leave me. You decide now to come back, showing up a half hour after I told Paige I loved her. What Paige and I have . . . is more than we ever had. You screwed with me long enough, Carly.”

  “Look Rob, you came. You came back here for me, so that means something.”