Let Me Go

by Michelle Lynn

  A loud growl escapes my lips. “You know why I’m here? Because Paige made me and because I love her, I agreed.”

  “Why would she ask you to come back to me?” She’s as confused as I was in that parking lot, but as I worked through it on the drive down, I saw where Paige was coming from.

  “Because she loves me.”

  “Um . . . I hate to break it to you, but why would she push you into another girls arms.”

  I don’t want to repeat myself. Carly will never understand Paige’s request because I failed to remember one flaw of Carly’s. She’s selfish beyond her own control. She’s fierce when she goes after what she wants and I guarantee, her and Nora set the hospital thing up. Purposely separating us and Nora chirping in Paige’s ear. The longer I’m figuring out how they worked together and hurt Paige the angrier I’m becoming.

  “Paige loves me and you know how I know that?”

  She rolls her eyes, but it’s my time to speak my mind. She’s controlled me too long.

  “She wants me to be happy whether that means with her or not. She sent me here to make peace with my past. She took a chance in losing me, just so I can do what I want in the future. When you left, you never gave a second glance back to me. You didn’t give a shit about where I was, how I was doing. Shit, Carly, can’t you see how fucked up that is? You left me at the worst possible time. How is that love?”

  “I was grieving, Rob. We killed my father,” she screams and her head falls into her hands as sobs escape her.

  I rush over and kneel in front of her. “I’m sorry, Carly. I truly am sorry for that accident. I’ve relived it a million times, figuring out how things could have gone, but I can’t change the past. I’ve been through five years of therapy, just to figure out that I want a future. I don’t want to live in the past.”

  She picks up her head and I swipe the wet streaks from her cheeks. “You want to know why I know what Paige and I have is different?”

  “Not really.”

  “Well, I’m going to tell you anyway, because you don’t really love me. I’m happy just holding her. The smell of her, and the fact the minute I walk in the door and she’s there, my body calms and a serenity comes over me that we’re together. If I’m somewhere and see something funny or crazy, she’s the first person I want to call and laugh with. She’s always first on my mind and right now she’s back at our house thinking she’s second best in my eyes.”

  She blankly stares at me. I’m only wasting my breath. My hope is one day she’ll realize what she’s missing when she finds her person.

  “I can’t have that, so, I’m going to leave. I’m sorry Carly and you’ve haunted my memory for a long time, but it’s time I move forward . . . with Paige.” I tighten my hands on top of hers.

  “Walk me to my car.” She’s ignored my whole spiel, but I stand up and offer my hand.

  We exit the park hand in hand to the cars. The moon shines down on the gravel path with trees on either side of us. This is our spot, the one we snuck off to for quickies and escape our worries.

  “I hope you’re happy,” she mumbles and I tighten my hand in hers.

  “I will be.” I’m confident that Paige and I are the ones meant to be here. Not the other way around.

  Once we get to the car, she opens her car door and I wrap my arms around her small frame. “I hope you find your happiness.”

  “Me too.” When I draw back there’s a small smile on her face.

  I back away, sliding behind her car to mine.

  “Rob!” she calls out as I open my car door.

  I turn to face her.

  “I really am sorry. I should have stayed. It was wrong to leave you.” Her words score right to my heart and a new calmness washes through me.

  “PAIGE?” MATTY ASKS.

  I finish sweeping my hair up in a ponytail. “Yeah, bud?”

  “Where’s Rob?” This isn’t the question I was expecting. He hasn’t asked about our mother since I returned home. Chrissy and Dex were awesome, playing basketball, ordering pizza and keeping him occupied until I could get back.

  “He’s out.” I smile and Matty frowns.

  “Why?” He grips the comforter in his small hands.

  “He had to do some stuff.”

  “Oh.” He lets the topic go.

  “Have a good night. Tomorrow maybe we’ll go to the park.”

  His eyes light up. “Yay! I hope Rob’s back.” My chest tightens.

  “Maybe, but you will still have fun with me, right?” I act offended and he giggles.

  “I love you.”

  I lean down and his arms wrap around my neck. “I love you, Matty.” I kiss him on the cheek and stand up.

  After I shut the door to my bedroom, I go downstairs. Might as well keep myself busy with studying. Dex and Chrissy went out tonight and said they’d be home later. It’s Friday night, so I didn’t expect them to keep me company, although, the house is too quiet right now.

  Flipping on the television, to fill the silence, I become enthralled in another Hotel Rescue. I wonder how I would ever have a job like that with Matty now. Unable to concentrate on Economics, I throw the book on the couch cushion and venture into the kitchen. Scrounging the fridge for anything, I open the pizza box and grab another slice.

  With a water bottle tucked under my arm and the pizza in my hand, I go to walk back into the living room when his headlights shine through the window.

  My stomach tumbles and my eyes veer to the basement to hide. I can’t escape to my room, and even the closet sounds mighty nice right now. Taking the pizza, I toss it in the trash, and run over to the couch. I grab the blanket lying along the back and spread it over my body.

  Just as the key inserts in the back door, I lay my head down and pretend to sleep. Shit. I should have faced the back of the couch. I attempt to keep my face straight, no emotion and pretending to breathe heavy.

  His footsteps don’t stop until he’s right in front of me and this act is way too hard for the outcome to be successful.

  “Paige,” he whispers, his hand lands on my cheek and I pretend to flutter my eyes open. “I know you’re awake. I saw you through the window when I drove up.”

  My eyes open and I can’t help but smile. Those blue eyes are brighter if possible. They’re clear of worry and hold a determination now. “Sorry, I got scared.” Why is he so easy to open up with?

  “You’re mine.” He doesn’t beat around the bush and I move to sit up, the blanket falling off my shoulders.

  “What?” I scrunch my eyebrows.

  “My number one. Paige, you’re it.”

  Tears well up again in my eyes and he kneels in front of me, his hands on my legs. He smirks at my pajama pants and then eyes me again.

  “You cracked the code and opened my heart to possibilities I thought I could never have.” We share a smile and he continues. “Paige, you know what I just realized on the way home?”

  “What?” my voice cracks.

  “It’s always been you, Paige. I love how you reach for the radio to change the station to what you want. I love how the scent of your shampoo lingers in the fabric of my car. I love that you’re the first person I want to call and hear laugh when I see something funny. But one thing I don’t love is—” I gasp and fall back into the couch. “Besides your pants.” I stare down at the ‘check this out’ print on my pajama pants and laugh. “No one needs to be checking that ass out.”

  Then his face goes serious. “I don’t like that you cast everyone more important than yourself, and I think it’s time someone puts you first. And I’m that someone.”

  My stomach somersaults and my heart leaps while tears stream down my face. I inch forward and place my hands on his cheeks. “I love you.”

  “I love you. Do you think bacon will make this even better?” He winks.

  “You are what makes everything better.”

  A smile creeps up his face and then his lips land on mine.

  “THANKS FOR COMING wit
h me, man.” I trail out of the Registrar’s office with Brady by my side. The man has connections at Western that I couldn’t deny access to.

  “I told you two years ago I’d go with you. Nothing changed that.”

  He’s the best friend a guy could have. Which only brings guilt to me since I was such a horrible bastard more times than not.

  “Well . . . thanks.”

  Appreciation is still hard for me to give, but I’m learning.

  “Don’t get all sappy. I just sweet talked a few people.”

  “You asked for favors and I know your dad yanked on a few strings.”

  He grins and then shrugs his shoulders.

  “It’s what friends do.”

  I wish I could be half the man Brady is.

  “So, the wedding?” I change the subject before the conversation overtakes with emotions.

  “Yep. The wedding.” He glances around the hallway, waving to a few people I don’t know. Not surprising, Brady’s been roaming this campus forever.

  “Don’t sound so excited.” I stuff my hands in my pockets as we exit the building. Amazing how the cool air of fall is already here.

  “It just sucks. When I asked Sadie to marry me, it was because I loved her so much, you know? All I wished for was her to be next to me as we walked the path of life.”

  “No need to use the lines on me.”

  He chuckles. “You know what I mean. Now it’s turned into a fucking napkin matching a dress and five-star food; you have no idea how much a damn cake costs.”

  Brady’s the guy who’s in a good mood almost all of the time. But each time the wedding comes up, a scowl comes across his face and he usually slides out of the room.

  “You thinking about calling it off?”

  He gapes over at me and then straight ahead as we proceed to the parking lot.

  “Hell no. It’s just, I want it to be about us. The commitment we’re reinforcing. Not the dress, the food, the guests, or any of that bullshit.”

  “Why don’t you talk to her?”

  “And catch her between the incessant phone calls to her mom and her counseling sessions? I’ve tried, it’s hopeless.”

  “She’s in counseling?”

  “No dumbass, she is the counselor.”

  We reach Brady’s Camaro and he opens the door, standing inside.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve got nothing. I guess I’m too new in this area to offer any advice.”

  He laughs. “It helps venting. I’m sure after the wedding it will all be back to normal . . . I hope.” His fingers weave through his hair as he rotates the stress of his neck.

  “It will. Hang in there.”

  He eyes his watch. “I’m already late for the caterer. Don’t forget tux fitting this weekend. Guys only, we’re going out after.” He points at me and I hold my hands up in defense.

  “When have I ever been against a guys’ night?”

  He smirks and shakes his head. “Since Paige entered your life.”

  I nod, he’s got a point. Lately, it’s been me canceling practices and shows due to a baseball game for Matty, or just a night in with Paige.

  We say our good-byes and then I jog over to my car.

  I dig out the crumpled up sheet of paper with a list of errands that Paige shoved in my pocket this morning. The best route runs through my head so I make sure to get them done before picking up Matty at preschool.

  An hour later, I’m waiting in the pick-up line outside Matty’s school. After stopping at every damn store in Western, I’m fifteen cars back, which sucks because I’ll have to wait for each kid to be escorted to their car, and strapped in. God forbid any of the teachers not chit chat with the mom.

  Man, how my life as changed in only a few months. I used to wait for a tattoo and now I’m waiting for a kid I’ve grown to love as much as his sister. I’m even surprised how my world spun on its axis and flipped me completely around, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

  Paige and I still have a few hurdles. We’re waiting on final paperwork that states she’s Matty’s guardian, but as far as we know it’s only a technicality. They had no problem with Matty staying in the house with all of us, as long as he had his own room. Which he did, after Paige moved into mine. Lucky for Paige, her dad did release her trust early, which loosens financial pressures on her. There are times I see her sadness at night during one of those commercials with a daughter and a mother. All I can do is be there for her when she needs me; I can’t take her pain away, no matter how much I wish I could. Linda disappeared from that hospital room and hasn’t contacted us once.

  My fingers drum my thigh as I crawl forward every four minutes until Matty’s skipping to the car holding Mrs. Williams, his teacher’s hand. I climb out to slide my seat forward so Matty can get in.

  “Hey, buddy. How was school?” I ask, smiling over to Mrs. Williams.

  “Thanks. See you Monday,” I say directly to her.

  “Have a great weekend.” She peeks her head into my car. Matty’s too preoccupied trying to strap himself in. “Have fun at your birthday party.”

  He lifts his head. “Thanks.”

  Mrs. Williams follows the sidewalk to the next car and I slide into the driver’s seat, looking at Matty through the rearview mirror. His head is hanging low and he’s unusually quiet.

  “What’s up, Bud?”

  I steer the car away slowly not to rock the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cake that Matty asked for.

  He digs through his backpack and pulls out a green piece of paper. “Here.” He hands it to me through the opening of seats.

  Staring ahead on the road, my hand lifts up to grab it. “What is this?”

  Once we’re stopped at a light, I unfold the piece of paper on top of the steering wheel. There lies the problem that’s invoked Matty’s sadness. A daddy and me night at the school. Just to add salt to the wound they’re having a magician, which Matty is all about lately.

  “All the kids are going. Nick asked me if I was.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  “I told him I’d have to ask my dad.” My heart sinks because Paige hasn’t told Matty much since he moved in with us.

  We drive up the driveway and Paige’s car is parked in the usual spot. Relief envelops me because she can handle this much better than me. I open the car door and he grabs his bag and steps out.

  “If your dad can’t go, can I take you?” I ruffle his long mop of hair and he gazes up at me like I’m his favorite turtle, Raphael.

  “Yeah.”

  We enter the house and Paige is packing up a box full of the favors for the kids.

  “My two favorite men.” She greets us and Matty runs up to her.

  “Rob said he’d take me to this.” He sprints back to me, tearing the piece of paper out of my hand and then thrusts it to Paige when he returns back.

  Paige reads it over and then her eyes peek up at me, glistening with wetness. “This sounds like a lot of fun.”

  “I can’t wait.” He drops his bag on the chair and opens the refrigerator. “Can I have a snack?”

  “There’s some apple slices in there,” Paige calls out as her eyes fixate on me.

  I wrap my arm around her waist, dragging her into me and kissing the spot right below her ear. “How was your day?”

  “Thank you.” She relaxes in my arms and I kiss her cheek.

  “Always.”

  Matty sits down in a seat next to us, chomping on his apples. “Are all my friends coming?”

  Paige breaks away from me, the one downside of having a kid in the house. We rarely have time to ourselves. “I think so.” She goes back to loading the box.

  “Chloe and Tara?”

  “Yep, coming.”

  “Matt?”

  “Yes.”

  “Jace?”

  “I think so.”

  “Mommy?”

  Paige’s hand stops midstream and she peers over to me. “Um.” She sits down next to him. “Remember when you moved
in, I told you how Mommy asked me to take care of you?”

  His head falls down. “Yeah.”

  Paige places her hand on Matty’s hand to comfort him. “While she’s gone, you have me and . . .”

  She glances back to me and I squat down in between them, placing my hand on top of theirs, and wink over at Paige. “Me,” I add and relief floods Paige’s face.

  “Okay.” He picks up an apple and nibbles.

  My gut twists for the kid. If anyone can help him through this, Paige can.

  By the time we arrive at Chuck E Cheese and Matty’s got on the inflatable crown, he’s forgotten about Linda and her absence. He runs around with his friends from school while the gang of us hang around the table talking.

  “Did everyone hear the news?” Sadie asks and everyone groans, even Jessa as she cradles her little girl.

  “What?” Chrissy takes the bait, most likely out of guilt no one else is asking.

  “Rob enrolled back into school.” Sadie’s face is more excited than mine.

  My eyes divert to Brady whose teeth clench. “Sorry, man.”

  Sadie covers her mouth. “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t hear the part about no one else knowing.”

  “Because you’re too busy talking guest lists.” Brady sneers and everyone at the table tenses.

  “Brady,” she sighs, but he just shakes his head.

  “Really?” Paige scoots closer to me with a soft whisper.

  I turn to her. “Really. I was going to surprise you tonight with the news.” I glare at a sympathetic Sadie.

  She kisses my cheek and then her arm swings around my neck. “I’m so happy for you.”

  She doesn’t say she’s proud of me, or thank you because she would have stayed with me either way, but I know she’s happy I’m a Western student once again.

  “Have you told your mom?” She backs up to see my face.

  “I thought we could take Matty down there tomorrow? She made him a cake and has presents for his birthday.”

  “Of course. What about your dad?”

  “Yeah.”

  A few weeks ago, after Paige got the final papers about Matty and she received the okay to have him live with all of us, including Dex and Chrissy, as long as he had his own room, we went down to Mill River. Surprise found me when my dad was in the living room waiting.