Razorblade Kisses

by R. L. Griffin

  “They’re getting ready for two-a-days,” Rachel supplied, answering her unasked question.

  “What’s that?” Emery asked.

  “It’s where we have to practice football in the morning and again in the afternoon and we better be in good shape if we plan on not throwing up,” a guy in a gray shirt and sweatpants stained with sweat answered. He stuck his hand out to Rachel first. “Jake Simmons. I heard you were living here now.”

  “Not me,” Rachel responded.

  “Oh, you must be Emily,” Jake then stuck his hand out at Emery.

  “Hi.” She smiled.

  “You guys ate all the pizza,” Noah whined from the fridge.

  “You don’t need to eat it if you’re getting in shape,” Rachel retorted and walked to the bathroom. Emery chuckled as she noticed the new guys’ eyes follow Rachel all the way until she shut the door.

  “Emily, this is Meat,” Noah introduced.

  Emery stuck her hand out to the quiet, bigger guy in the corner. “Meat?”

  “Nice to meet you, Emily,” the guy said softly and then looked at Noah. “See you guys later.”

  “All right, man,” Noah said as Meat closed the door.

  Self-conscious, she put their paper plates in the trash. “Nice to meet you, Jake. I have to get ready. I need furniture.” She made a quick escape to her new bedroom and shut the door behind her.

  Later, she and Rachel went to a furniture store and ordered a bed, desk, and dresser for her room to be delivered in a few days. Rachel didn’t know how Emery was going to sleep on the floor for another few nights and had said as much six times by the time they stopped for lunch.

  “I know it sounds crazy, but I slept the best I’ve slept in three years last night,” Emery said before taking a gigantic bite of her burrito.

  “It’s because you’re free,” Rachel commented, staring at Emery intensely.

  Emery shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m not free, Rachel,” Emery said solemnly. “I don’t think I’ll feel free until my sister is out of that house.”

  Rachel nodded and took a sip of her diet soda.

  “I think I slept so well because I was sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag.”

  “Why the fuck would that make you sleep better?” Rachel laughed. “Sleeping bags make me damn claustrophobic.”

  “Because my body was aware that no one would get into my bed in the middle of the night.”

  Rachel put her burrito down mid-bite and looked down, her face flushing.

  “I’m just making a comment, Rach. You don’t have to feel bad.”

  “Everything about what he did to you makes me feel horrible. Your mother should be—”

  “I just wanted you to know I slept well,” Emery interrupted. “Let’s not talk about all this. There’s no point in talking about what I can’t change. I certainly don’t have to talk about it to remember every single thing he took from me.”

  A tear fell from Rachel’s eye and she wiped it furiously, looking around. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “Don’t be sorry.”

  Rachel grabbed Emery’s left hand. “No…I’m sorry I didn’t meet you sooner.”

  “Me too,” Emery agreed.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Change of Direction

  About a week later, Emery was lounging in her room on the bed trying to figure out how to sign up for the GED exam so she could get her equivalency certificate.

  The door slamming shook her wall, making her snap her eyes to her own door.

  In a few seconds, Noah appeared in the doorway, taking up the entire opening. He turned up the bottle of water in his hand and she let her eyes take in his bare chest and the way his Adam’s apple bobbed as he took gulps of water.

  Apprehension tickled the back of her neck as she looked around her room. It was scattered with clothes, books, and everything else she’d decided to bring with her. It wasn’t much, but Emery felt like once she put it up she’d have to face the reality of living here. With a boy she didn’t know.

  “What are you doing?” he asked after he’d finished his water.

  Emery almost jumped out of her skin at the sound of his voice. She’d been trying to stay out of his hair since she moved in. He really did like sex, and with many different girls. In the seven days she’d lived here, she’d seen at least three different girls go into his room for a significant amount of time. He allowed one to spend the night; the others took off after a couple of hours.

  She couldn’t tell him what she was actually doing, because he thought she was in college. “Nothing, just reading. What’s up?” She put her notebook down and looked at what she was wearing to make sure she looked decent. She was still in the tank top Rachel had left with her.

  Rachel had left her a bunch of clothes because she said Emily would “rock them,” whatever that meant. Emery had slept in a tank top the night before, so she reached over and pulled up the sheet, covering her arm and her chest.

  “You want to go to the pool with me? I just got back from my run,” Noah said, taking in the mess of her room.

  No shit, Sherlock. On one hand, Noah seemed smart. He read interesting books (or at least one good author she knew of) but he also seemed to be the stereotypical dumb jock. She hadn’t figured him out yet.

  Emery was mesmerized as a drop of sweat rolled down his neck and fell to his pectoral. Her eyes followed the drop until it was absorbed into his shorts. She cleared her throat, not knowing what had gotten into her. Emery hadn’t been with a guy by herself in ages; she didn’t really know how to act. “Sure,” she agreed.

  “See you in a few?” Noah smiled and closed her door so she could change.

  She powered down her laptop and got out of bed, stretching out the sleep in her limbs one at a time. She pulled one of the bathing suits her mother bought for her a few months ago out of a suitcase; it was coral and had a ruffle at the top. She put it on, noticing for the first time how pale she was. It was July. Everyone else her age in the South was tan and glowing. She examined the image that was in the mirror. Emily Sanders. Who would Emily Sanders be? She would be someone who frolics in the sun with boys and has cute bathing suits. Emily Sanders wouldn’t care that she had scars on her arm. Emery braided her blonde hair down her back and a thought popped in her mind—Emily Sanders isn’t a blonde. She’s a brunette with a bob. She’d color her hair tonight.

  Smiling, she went in the bathroom and made sure no unwanted hair was showing, since she hadn’t put on a bathing suit this year. After making herself presentable, she tugged on a baseball cap and walked into the den. Noah was sitting on one of the chairs, still damp from his run but now clad in orange floral board shorts. She could tell he’d definitely been in the sun.

  Fighting the urge to run back into her room, she smiled instead. What would Emily Sanders say?

  “You ready?” she asked.

  “Waiting on you, Em.” Noah slowly rose from the chair and took in her baseball cap, Braves long-sleeved t-shirt, and shorts. “You like the Braves, huh?”

  “Oh…a family member works for them so we get a ton of free stuff.”

  “Well, you look the part,” Noah said walking to the front door.

  He opened the door for her and allowed her out first. She took a deep breath and followed him across the parking lot to the pool. Noah held the gate open for her and followed her in; she felt the pricks on her skin as his gaze seared her skin.

  “Em?”

  She threw her towel on the first lounge chair she could find and turned to look at him, happy she’d grabbed her sunglasses on the way out. “Yes?”

  “You okay? Settling in all right?” Noah asked from a few feet away.

  He was concerned. It was cute.

  “Oh, yes. Thank you again for letting me stay.”

  “If you thank me one more time…” His smile was lopsided, but showed all of his teeth.

  “I just…you
don’t understand and I hope you never do.” She turned away from him and felt his eyes linger on her for a few minutes while she undressed. Then she heard a splash and released a breath she didn’t realize she was holding.

  Emily Sanders.

  She walked over to the diving board and did a back flip, entering the pool without a splash.

  Emery picked up the box of hair color at the Ulta store. She was going to change everything. Emily Sanders would be cute and funny and able to talk to people. She smiled as she walked up to the counter, a box of hair color with a gorgeous brunette on the front in her hand.

  She’d left Noah napping on one of the La-Z-Boy chairs after their morning in the pool. He’d graciously let her use his Jeep Cherokee. He seemed like he was a great guy, funny and self-deprecating in a way that reminded her of Rachel. He made her comfortable and he hadn’t asked her anything about her past. He liked the ladies, though; she was glad Rachel had warned her.

  “This it?” The clerk’s question shook her from her reverie and she nodded quickly, putting cash on the counter.

  She felt tingles in her gut as she pulled into a spot at the condo. She’d been feeling those tingles every day since she’d arrived and recognized them as the reminder that she really had escaped. Her phone rang just as she opened the door, unleashing a kaleidoscope of butterflies in her stomach.

  “Hey, Rach,” she answered hesitantly.

  “Hey. Just wanted to let you know shit is hitting the fan around here.”

  Dread settled over her and now the butterflies were trying to escape her gut through her throat. “Ashley?”

  “Oh, hun. Ashley is fine. I spoke with her an hour ago. She’s upset, obviously, but I told her you had to go, that something bad had happened to you and you couldn’t stay and you would come get her when you could.”

  “Thank you.” Emery sat on the edge of the bed, the anxiety of the call leaking out of her body.

  “Your mom went ballistic.”

  “What?”

  “She ripped me and dad a new asshole. She found out he helped you after you got arrested.”

  “Oh shit, how?”

  “I guess she got my number from the note you left Ashley.”

  “Damn. I just wanted Ashley to be able to call you if she needed you,” Emery said and ran her hand through her hair. She hadn’t really thought about or cared how her leaving would impact her mother. It certainly didn’t seem like she cared that much when Emery was at home. It made her sad for the relationship they’d lost after her father passed away.

  “It’s cool. I had to tell my dad though.”

  Terror gripped Emery. “Tell your dad what?”

  “That your boyfriend beat the fuck out of you and threatened to do the same to your sister. He told me you were stupid and went on and on about how he expects me never to get into that situation and all kinds of shit. Nothing I couldn’t handle, Em. I told him you’re sixteen, so of course you do stupid shit.”

  She could finally breathe.

  “What, you thought I would tell my dad?”

  “I…”

  “Don’t doubt me, Em. We’re going to do this. I promise.”

  “Mom was really mad?”

  “Mad is not the word I would use for what your mother was…it was feral. Like an animal. I thought she was going to try to rip my hair out. I told her I didn’t know where you went and that I had no idea you were leaving.”

  “Did she believe you?”

  “I don’t know, Em,” Rachel said sadly.

  “Thanks, Rachel. For everything,” Emery said, trying not to cry. The eerie realization that while she may have escaped Atlanta and Phil’s physical touch, she’d never elude his grip on her life played over and over again in her mind.

  “Happier news!” Rachel squealed. “I got the first round of money today…”

  “Really?”

  “Really. I mean, it was in a brown paper bag like the movies or something.”

  “Why would he do it like that?”

  “Derrick said this was the best way so that no one could trace the money. He said you could have some in cash and he’d open an account for you that no one would know about for the rest.”

  She couldn’t believe that he’d actually done it, that he’d paid her to keep quiet. Bastard.

  “Em, I got you,” Rachel said. “You know that, right?”

  “Yeah, Rach. I know…”

  Her entire life had changed because she was arrested and met Rachel, her best and only friend. It was amazing how one person could change so much.

  CHAPTER NINE

  New Person, Old Problems

  Noah wasn’t there. She released a sigh. It was nice to be alone; if there weren’t girls in the apartment, it was full of stinky football players. The parade of different girls Noah brought in every week was amusing, but she liked it when the players camped out in the den for hours. They played video games and talked about girls and football. It gave her insight into a world that was foreign to her. She’d never been around boys like that before. They basically ignored her because that’s how Noah treated her. Emery thought that was best for everyone involved anyway and it allowed them to talk like she wasn’t there.

  She sat on her bed, reading the instructions on the hair dye. Her laughter filled the silent room. Her mother would die if she knew that she was using boxed hair dye, brown at that, to cover the golden tresses her mother had always adored.

  She watched herself in the mirror as she applied the color and realized that she could do this. Emily could be anyone she wanted to be. She would have short brown hair and an obnoxious laugh.

  While she waited for the color to set, she googled “Emery Shaw.” Several articles popped up.

  Missing Teen Deemed Runaway

  Mother of Missing Teen Refuses to Give Up

  Search for Missing Teen Hits Dead End

  Well, this wasn’t good. Her school picture from last year was all over the internet. She looked toward Noah’s room and wondered if he’d seen any of this. She guessed it was a good thing she was changing her looks. No one would be looking for Emily Sanders.

  It was only when the timer went off signaling she could wash the dye out of her hair that she tore her eyes from the articles. Then she attempted to carefully remove her shirt without getting any of the color on it.

  “Damn it,” she cursed as she looked at the smears of brown dye on her yellow shirt. She managed to get the rest of her clothes off without incident and got in the shower, making sure to scrub her forehead so any dye she’d gotten on there would be gone.

  Her new reflection stared out of the mirror when she stepped out of the shower. She was shocked at the difference hair color could make. Her blue eyes popped from her face. She flipped her head over and blew dry her hair to see the damage.

  Hello, Emily, your hair is a little heinous. Her long hair was darker, but nowhere near the deep brunette on the cover of the box, so she googled hair salons and made an appointment for color and cut to correct what she’d just done.

  Step one of Emily was sort of complete. She dressed and was in the kitchen making herself dinner when Noah and a few of his teammates came in with boxes of pizza.

  “Hey, Em,” Noah greeted, walking in with pizza and not even looking up. He put the box on the kitchen table. “You want some pizza?” His eyes met hers and he cocked his head to the side. “What the fuck happened to your hair?”

  She shrugged. “I dyed it.”

  He walked in the kitchen and stood uncomfortably close to her. Taking a piece of her hair between his fingers, he lifted it and examined it. His fingers grazed right under the clasp of her bra. “Why?”

  “I don’t know, something new, I guess.” She took a piece of pizza out of the box and took a bite while standing at the counter.

  “Your hair was hot the other way!” Jake called from the table, his mouth full of pizza.

  Emery smiled. “Thanks, Jake, I’ll remember that.”

  “I’m j
ust saying.” He shrugged and kept eating.

  “I think it brings out the blue in your eyes,” Noah commented, his voice low. He dropped her hair and walked over to the table. “Come, Em, sit. We got plenty; I put beer in the fridge too.”

  Emery walked over to fridge, grabbed herself two beers, and took her slice of pizza to the table where the three guys sat stuffing their faces. She smiled. “Thanks.”

  She was silent as they talked about practice and the first game coming up soon. Emily liked pizza and football players, even though they were boring as shit. After a few hours and too many beers, she was thoroughly drunk. She stood up and gave the guys a wave before turning for her bedroom.

  “She’s single, right?” she heard Meat ask.

  “No,” Noah answered gruffly.

  Emery didn’t think about his answer, but shut her door and locked it. Emily could lock her door. She fell into bed and didn’t dream of anything.

  Several weeks had passed since Rachel dropped off that first payoff. Emery was working on her computer, applying to online colleges. She heard the front door slam and burst out of her seat.

  The football season had started and from what Noah told her and what the other players were saying, he was doing really well. Noah was a sophomore and meeting with some NFL people today. He was extremely nervous. His dad had come up just for the meeting. They’d had dinner last night, but Emery had refused Noah’s offer to eat with them. She just didn’t feel comfortable. The less people that met her the better.

  “How’d it go?” she yelled before she even turned the corner into the den and saw him.

  Emily and Noah had become closer, friends even. Emery was jealous because Noah seemed to really like Emily. Emery was getting really good at doing what Emily would do, but Emery was hidden. She’d put her away in a little box in her brain, all of her normal fears and behaviors tucked away where no one could find them…except one. She still kept her paper in her Bible, hidden in her suitcase in her closet under one of her old long-sleeved shirts. One side of the paper evidenced all the times she’d been violated in the most perverse way imaginable. But she’d started a new count on the other side of the paper. She started drawing a line for each day she was away from Phil.