Razorblade Kisses

by R. L. Griffin

  She and Noah lived peacefully with each other; he was busy with football, college, and his friends. Even though Emery felt pretty invisible in his life, with the exception of those rare times it was just the two of them, he was always nice (if distracted) and seemed to want to stay away from her most of the time. On those few occasions when it was just the two of them in the condo, the conversation flowed between them and they enjoyed each other. Emery was warming up to him, but there was still something uncomfortable about him. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

  “So have you decided what you’re going to major in?” Rachel blew smoke away from Emery’s face from her perch on the couch Emery had purchased for the condo.

  “No,” Emery grabbed the joint and inhaled, “but I think I want to help kids.” Like you helped me.

  “That’s awesome. What about some sort of counselor or something?”

  “I don’t know. I’m still looking around.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Rachel brought Emery money every couple months, after they’d sent another blackmail letter to Phil. Emery hated relying on the money from him, but he owed her and she was able to be away from him because of it. Derrick has most of it in an account for her and she was saving it for when she really needed it. She inhaled again and felt all the straight, rigid lines of her life curve as the high took over.

  “Derrick got you a new license for Emily Sanders with your new hair, so now you have a driver’s license and a social security card. I think that’s all you need.”

  “Yep. I’m Emily Sanders,” Emery said slowly, blowing smoke into the air. She’d kept her hair brown; it was a rich chestnut color and now skimmed her shoulders. She thought freedom agreed with her—she’d mellowed. She laughed all the time now with Rachel or Noah, but she really didn’t leave her cocoon of safety. With everyone else, she was still guarded and tried to blend into the background. Emery didn’t have a car yet, so if she went anywhere she had to depend on public transportation or Noah. She hated to inconvenience him, so she spent most of her time in and around the condo. All the places she went alone were within walking distance and she tried to be okay with eating by herself. She brought a book everywhere with her so she didn’t have to talk to people.

  “Em,” Rachel sighed as she plopped down next to Emery, “I know this must be hard, but you can become someone else now. You can be anything you want.”

  “Except all the things I wanted to do I can’t now. I wanted to go to Georgia, but I can’t because I only have a GED. I wanted to be a doctor or something.”

  “You did?”

  Emery couldn’t remember if she did or not. The first time Phil had come in her room, her entire life crumbled. With the violent way he took her, he also took her dreams. His thrusts still flashed through her mind; his grunts filled her nightmares. Every single day, in the seconds between sleep and dreams, she felt paralyzed. Those were the seconds where she (unaware of the reason) saw him lick his fingers for the first time, over and over again. Those seconds of the day were where she felt his presence in the room with her, wherever she was.

  She shook her head, trying to remember what they were actually talking about before her mind had scooped her up and dragged her to the place she feared the most. She’d stopped everything after that, like a switch had been turned off. She stopped gymnastics, dreaming of the future, and stopped letting people touch her.

  “I don’t know.” She laughed, simply because she was high and if she thought about her future she might collapse at the truth of it.

  “Well, what do you want to do now?” Rachel asked as she danced and jumped around the den.

  “You know what I want. I want someone to kiss me.” She held the joint out for Rachel, then brought her fingertips to her lips.

  “You still haven’t let anyone near you?” Rachel asked before taking a pull off the last of the joint.

  Emery shook her head. She couldn’t. She didn’t trust anyone, not even herself. She lifted herself off the couch and danced toward Rachel. They both lost themselves in the rhythm of the music. They danced around each other, lifted their arms over their heads, gyrated their hips, and shook their heads to the beat of music blaring out of the speakers.

  As the song was about to end, Noah and a few of his football friends came in the door with beer and other bags. Emery didn’t know how long the guys stood in the doorway watching the display before Rachel caught sight of them and stopped to curtsy.

  “Cousin…light of my life,” Noah said jovially as he walked into the kitchen and set his things on the counter.

  Emery’s chest heaved with exertion and she and Rachel leaned on each other, watching as the boys came in and put their things down.

  One of the guys Emery didn’t recognize hit Noah on the arm. “That’s your cousin?”

  “Yep. Off limits, Ethan.” Noah looked at Emery and winked at her.

  Rachel, with her hands in her hair, walked over to the sink. She tied her hair back, stuck her hip out, and pouted. “I’m so not off limits, Ethan.” She smiled, her red lips exposing perfect white teeth.

  “Rach,” Noah warned.

  “What? A girl has needs, right, Em?” She laughed, then sauntered back over to the couch where Emery had folded herself and whispered into Emery’s ear, “I will get your first kiss tonight. Even if I have to do it myself.”

  “Rachel!” Emery gasped and hit her arm playfully. Rachel was the only person Emery would let touch her. It sounded easy, but it wasn’t. It’s actually a difficult feat to bypass normal pats on the arm and grazes of shoulders as you walk by someone—heaven forbid if someone wants to hug! It was something Emily Sanders was working on.

  “Look what I got for the birthday girl!” Noah said coming from the kitchen with a brown paper bag. “I would’ve been here sooner, but the line kicked my ass.” He threw the bag to her and laughed as she missed it. It landed next to her with a thud.

  Emery looked up at Noah, blushing. “You didn’t have to get me anything.” She was floored he’d not only got her a present, but stood in line for it.

  He walked back to the kitchen and brought out a round chocolate store bought cake. “I got you a cake too. Happy birthday, Em.”

  On the top it read, “Happy Birthday, Emily.” In her foggy mind it was funny that it said Emily. She snorted, then covered her mouth, embarrassed. Noah had done all this for someone he didn’t even know. She couldn’t stop laughing at the tragedy of it. Emery tucked her hair behind her ear and focused on the bag he’d given her. She opened the bag and pulled out her favorite book by their favorite author.

  “You met Chuck Palahnuik?”

  “I did.” Noah’s dimples showed.

  She realized there was another book in the bag too. She pulled it out. The cover of the book was filled with a devil’s face, the title Damned.

  “That’s his new book; it’s not out yet.” Noah smiled. “Sounds pretty interesting.”

  “T-thank you.” Emery was speechless and tried to remember when she’d talked to him about this book. Was it the first day? She couldn’t believe he’d remembered what her favorite book was. Emery eyed him curiously.

  “Open it,” he prodded.

  She flipped it open and it was signed by the author. Her entire face lit up and she jumped up, closed the distance between them, and threw her arms around him, not thinking. “Thank you so much! This is amazing!”

  Noah stiffened for a minute and then draped his arms around her. “You’re welcome,” he said into her hair.

  She smiled in foggy realization that she’d hugged him and nothing bad happened. He’d unexpectedly gotten her a very considerate gift. This was turning into the best birthday ever.

  “Very cool, Noah,” Rachel said from the couch, examining the exchange. “It was very thoughtful, not like you at all.”

  “I have a proposition,” Rachel slurred hours later, now thoroughly drunk and high.

  “What’s that?” Emery asked, a little scared by the g
leam in Rachel’s eye.

  Rachel’s ringtone, Jay-Z’s “Dirt off Your Shoulder,” blared through the room. She squealed in delight. “It’s Derrick! I’ll be back.” She took her phone and ran into Emery’s room.

  Emery made a mental note to ask Rachel about Derrick later; she hadn’t heard about what was going on with them in a while. It seemed like Rachel’s crush hadn’t waned in the slightest.

  Noah was sitting on the floor eating a piece of chocolate cake. “Good day?” he asked with a smile.

  “Amazing day,” she answered honestly. “You seriously didn’t have to do that.”

  “I wanted to. I know this has got to be hard.” Noah leaned in and smoothed her brown waves back. She saw something in his eyes that surprised her and she felt pulled in his strong gaze. “Em,” he whispered in a husky voice.

  She didn’t know if it was because she was drunk or high or because Noah had given her an amazing gift, but Emery leaned toward him hesitantly, her body moving of its own accord. His lips caught hers swiftly. Soft, but firm, his lips parted her own slowly and his tongue entered her mouth. It felt foreign, but right somehow. A feeling of euphoria spread throughout her body, her nipples hardening and chill bumps rising on her arms. Noah pulled her gently onto his lap. She straddled him, giving herself over to the kiss. His hands ran through her hair; his mouth tasted of chocolate. She moaned into his mouth. She was being touched everywhere. It was a hungry kiss, like he was consuming her or they were consuming each other. Everywhere he touched her left little sparks that chipped away at her armor. He pulled back and she missed his mouth on her immediately.

  They were panting and staring at each other. Why had she waited so long to do that? Oh yeah, him. He’d taken everything from her. This she would do again. This was phenomenal.

  Noah smiled lazily. “Sorry.”

  “For what?” she asked.

  “For that. I’ve been wanting to kiss you for months now. Happy birthday.”

  “Don’t be sorry for that. That was…” she put her fingers to her lips.

  “Life altering?” he joked.

  “Something like that,” she responded honestly as she cocked her head to the side to really look at him.

  “If you don’t get off me soon, I may do other things to you that I’ve been wanting to.” His tone was joking, but she didn’t miss the desire in his eyes.

  Her eyes widened and she quickly eased herself off his lap. She wanted his heat back on her, his tongue in her mouth. “I don’t know if I can do that.” Her voice was barely there, it sounded like she had laryngitis.

  “I know.” He nodded. “I want to show you that every guy isn’t like him. I’ll never touch you if you don’t want me to.”

  “I want you to,” she whispered. “I just don’t know if I can...” her words trailed off.

  “We’ll just see. I’ll do what you tell me to do and that’s it.”

  His brown eyes showed his sincerity and she trusted him. Emery had no idea that he’d wanted to kiss her all this time. It had appeared all year that he just wanted to do his own thing and stay to himself. She didn’t care that Noah had all the girls he wanted—it made it easier for her to ignore the fact that he was a boy. Now there was only his touch. He wouldn’t ask her for things she couldn’t give him.

  “Kiss me,” she urged.

  And he did.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Certainties

  Emery heard two knocks on her door before Noah opened it and walked in. She was in the middle of making her daily hash mark in the journal Rachel bought her for her birthday. She couldn’t bring herself to do anything in it other than make a mark for the days she hadn’t been raped. Her life was in a sort of purgatory. She was free from some things, but trapped by others. At least she’d moved from the hidden Bible to a journal. It was a step.

  “So, I have a buddy who’s selling his old 4Runner. What do you think?” Noah asked, leaning against the wall facing her desk. He was in athletic shorts, as usual. Emery had only seen him in other clothes once or twice.

  “How much?” she asked as she closed the journal and put it under a pile of clothes on her desk.

  “He’s selling it for twelve, but for you, I talked him down to eight. It’s a kickass deal. Let’s go.” Noah left her room for his.

  Emery contemplated the price for the SUV and then walked to her closet, looking through the boxes for the right one. She sat down and opened her Frye boots box and started counting cash. She didn’t hear Noah enter the room again.

  “Holy shit!” Noah exclaimed, eying all the cash in the box. He’d pulled on a Vandy Football t-shirt that stretched tight across his chest.

  Emery kept counting, ignoring him.

  “How did you get all that cash?”

  “When my parents died,” she lied.

  “But why…” Noah shook his head, apparently deciding not to ask his question.

  Emery closed the box and put it back in her closet. She shoved the eight thousand dollars in her behemoth Michael Kors purse and then looked at him. Their exchanges had been awkward at best since they’d kissed on her birthday last week, but she’d noticed that he hadn’t brought any girls back to the condo since then. She sighed as she took in his all-American features. “I didn’t want to open a bank account since he might be looking for me.” She shrugged. “Let’s go get this 4Runner.”

  His face fell in realization. “Oh, I didn’t…”

  “You wouldn’t, Noah. It’s okay. I hope you never have to worry like I worry every day. It destroys faith and hope and everything good.”

  This was the truth.

  “But…” Noah’s face scrunched up like he was trying to come up with the cure for cancer. “You feel safe here, right?” He opened the front door for her and she walked out into the sunshine and put on her sunglasses.

  She waited for him to lock the front door before she spoke. “You make me feel safe, Noah, but I’m worried it’s a false sense of safety,” she said to his back.

  “I’ll fuck anyone up that tries to mess with you,” he assured her as they walked to his Jeep Cherokee. He opened the passenger door for her and helped her in.

  She sat, looking forward as he stood at the door. “I’m sure you would, but I don’t want it to come to that. If he finds me, I’ll leave. I’m not going to get you involved in the hell I lived through.”

  She secured her seatbelt as he walked to the driver’s side and slid behind the wheel. He cranked the SUV and then reached for her hand, which was casually on the center console.

  “Emily, I’m involved now.”

  Her eyes widened as he continued to hold her hand while he reversed out of his spot and drove out of their complex. Emery enjoyed the weight of his hand in hers; it felt like it was keeping her grounded somehow.

  They got out of the SUV at a house with a black Toyota 4Runner sitting in the driveway. A guy came out of the house and he and Noah did a long, complicated handshake. “Roy, this is my…Emily,” Noah finished awkwardly.

  “Hi, Noah’s Emily.” Roy chuckled as he stuck his hand out. As they shook, he said, “My boy says you may be interested in my truck?”

  “I am.” She smiled and put her hand back by her side, unconsciously fingering the hem of her long-sleeved shirt.

  “You guys want to take it for a spin?” Roy asked Noah.

  “Yeah, let’s do that, Em.” Noah took the key out of Roy’s hand and threw it at Emily.

  “Thanks, we’ll be right back,” she said as Roy eyed her curiously. Emery reversed out of the driveway and started driving slowly through the neighborhood.

  “Well, what do you think?” Noah asked after a few minutes.

  “I think it’s fine. Now I can finally get a job.” Maybe getting a job would help her feel more real, like she wasn’t stuck.

  Emery started making her way back the way she came. Thoughts turned and tumbled against each other in her mind as she contemplated Noah holding her hand. It was comforting and she liked it, but
she didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.

  When she pulled in the driveway, Roy was sitting on the front steps sipping a beer. He got to his feet and walked over to Noah. “What’d you think?”

  “She’s getting it,” Noah said.

  “Cool. So we agreed on eight, right?”

  “I have cash,” Emery said.

  Roy’s eyes grew to the size of saucers. “Okay.” A grin spread across his chiseled features.

  She started pulling out cash.

  “Whoa!” Roy exclaimed, looking around nervously. “Don’t be pulling out cheddar like that in my front yard!”

  “Oh, sorry.” Emery flushed with embarrassment.

  “Come on, let’s go inside for a minute,” he said and waved them inside.

  Noah took her hand as they walked in and she looked at their hands clasped together. It was a strange sensation to have his strong hand wrapped around her small one. He was protecting her, or showing her he would. When she looked up, they were in a den with the Vanderbilt banner hanging behind the leather couch. Another guy was sprawled out on the couch watching football on a big screen.

  When he saw Noah, he stood up quickly and walked over, giving him the same weird handshake. “What’s up, boss?”

  “Not much. Buying Roy’s 4Runner.”

  “You are? You have a phat Jeep,” the guy said, stepping back and finally observing Emery.

  “Not me, Emily.”

  “This your girl?” the guy asked.

  “Something like that.” Noah smiled and looked at her. Redness crept up her neck at Noah’s words.

  “So eight, right?” Emily changed the subject and started stacking the money on the table.

  “Damn, your girl’s got jack.” The guy fell down back on the couch. “Watching game film for next week? Gotta be prepared to bring it.”

  “We’ll bring it,” Noah replied. “Roy, you give her all the papers?”

  “Yeah, I got it.” Roy handed her a stack of documents she assumed related to the ownership of the truck.

  “Thanks,” she said and put them in her purse.