Razorblade Kisses

by R. L. Griffin

  “No. Thank you.” Roy picked up the money and started walking into another room. “See you Monday, Noah.”

  “Yep, y’all be good.” Noah pulled Emery toward the door with a smile.

  Noah dropped her hand when they got to the 4Runner. “Follow me and we’ll get lunch, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Emery got in her new vehicle and changed the mirrors and looked around again at the immaculate SUV. She smiled as she followed Noah to the restaurant. She’d never bought anything like this herself. But then she realized she really didn’t buy it herself, Phil did. The thought took some of the wind out of her sails.

  Emery took a bite of her sandwich and tried to come up with something to say to Noah. The afternoon was filled with weird silences, which weren’t common with them. “Thank you for that,” she said, barely meeting his eyes.

  “Emily, I’d do anything for you. Please believe that.” He turned the baseball hat he was wearing backwards so she could see his eyes.

  She straightened up; this was going too far. “Noah, what are you doing?”

  “What?” He shrugged and unleashed a smile so genuine it hurt her soul.

  “Whatever you’re doing, stop.” Emery didn’t want things between them to mess up her living arrangements.

  “I’m just being honest.” Noah took a bite of his sandwich and watched Emery’s face.

  “Well, stop that too,” she replied stubbornly.

  “You want me to lie?” he asked, his mouth full.

  “Yes.” She nodded stubbornly.

  He thought for a minute, his face serious. “Okay. I didn’t enjoy kissing you and I don’t want to do it again. I especially don’t want to do it right now.”

  “Noah,” she whispered.

  “I’ll be gentle.”

  “I don’t want to lead you on,” she said softly. “This can’t go anywhere.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you have so many girls that you kiss and do other things with and that’s just the way it is, Noah.” She sighed and put her sandwich down. “You have a great thing going. Your football and your friends—you have everything. I have nothing. I don’t want to be the one to bring you down.”

  “Emily, I want you and it doesn’t matter about your past.”

  “What about my future?” Emery dropped her eyes to her food. She couldn’t even look at him.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t have the type of future that you do. Things are different for me.”

  Noah touched her hand. “They don’t have to be.”

  “Yes, Noah,” she nodded, “they do. Listen, I want to kiss you again, and I want you to touch me.” She couldn’t believe she was saying this. “Everywhere. But there are some certainties that come with me.”

  “And what are those?” he asked, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand soothingly.

  “That this will end and it won’t end well.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” Noah got out of his seat and slid into her side of the booth, pushing her over and crowding her. He put one hand on her jaw and the other tangled in her hair. Then he kissed her. His lips were a welcome invasion and she lost all thoughts as their tongues tangled and danced. Her body cursed her as she pulled away from him.

  “We’re in public,” she whispered in his ear.

  “I know,” he whispered back.

  “Don’t do that again,” she chastised, staring into his eyes. She didn’t get him.

  “You loved it.” His warm brown eyes analyzed hers.

  She nodded. “I did, but let’s save that for when we’re by ourselves. Okay?”

  “Wait, what do you mean?”

  “Let’s keep whatever this is to our place.” She was giving up a little of herself—not Emily, but Emery. It confused her, but he made her feel emotions she’d never felt. He made her feel cherished. She didn’t want to share that with anyone.

  “Do you mean that you’re going to see other dudes and then come back and do what you want to with me?”

  “No, I’m saying that’s what you can do. I’m not dating anyone, including you. I’m just not ready.”

  “I don’t want to date any dudes.” He chuckled.

  She glared at him. “You know what I mean.”

  He exhaled and ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t like this.”

  “This is all I can give you right now, Noah.”

  “You’ll let me know when that changes, okay?”

  She didn’t miss the gleam in his eye.

  From: Romona Hicks

  To: Rachel Helms

  GOT A VEHICLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so excited. Noah helped me get it. How are things? How is Ashley? Miss you. Love you.

  From: Rachel Helms

  To: Romona Hicks

  You know this is an emergency Facebook account, right?

  From: Romona Hicks

  To: Rachel Helms

  This is an emergency. An emergency of awesome.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Bullshit Cherry

  Nashville was a fun town, full of characters and Southern charm. Emily Sanders got her first job ever at Jack’s BBQ on Broadway after she’d finally gotten a vehicle. One of Noah’s many female friends told him about an opening for a server and she’d applied immediately. The restaurant had been around since the 1970s. It was also next to The Stage, where great music acts played every night. One of the things she loved about work was there was no quiet. After solely being in the condo for basically a year, she welcomed the hustle and bustle of the restaurant. She worked mindlessly; it kept her mind from spiraling out of control.

  She’d also stopped eating meat because she was around it constantly. Her hair reeked of the smell of grilled pork. Even her skin smelled like meat. It was disgusting. The barbeque sauce ate away at the sneakers she wore, so she had to buy new ones every couple of months. Emery loved it anyway because her job allowed her to get out, make some money, and feel normal, or what she thought was normal. The days passed faster when she was working, so she picked up as many shifts as she could and would work past midnight at least four nights a week. Emery took food orders until around nine, then slung drinks the rest of the night.

  The music was extremely loud, so there was no talking and no getting to know each other, but she had even become somewhat friendly with her co-workers. Somewhat. Mostly she just did her job and went home.

  One of her favorite spots in the restaurant was the top level back patio. If you went up to the top and sat at one of the many tables, you could take in the Ryman Auditorium. They had the best musicians there and she really wanted to go to a concert there before she left Nashville. Noah told her the Ryman was built as the Union Gospel Tabernacle in 1892. He’d been to a concert there recently with friends and told her all about it once he got home.

  She’d been working at Jack’s about six months when the shift manager walked up to her while she was busing one of her tables. Her manager, Jenna, had maroon hair in a pixie cut.

  “So do you love me?” Jenna asked.

  “Sure, Jenna.” Emery laughed as she continued putting dishes in a tub to take to the dishwasher. Her mother would die if she knew Emery was busing tables. The thought soared into her brain without warning and she stood straight up. That happened every now and then; she was getting used to being blind-sided by thoughts of her family.

  “Here.” She held out an envelope to Emery.

  Curious, Emery wiped her hands on her apron and ripped open the envelope. In it were two tickets to see Counting Crows at the Ryman in a few hours. She wasn’t sure she recognized the band; maybe if she heard them she’d know their music.

  “What?” she managed to ask.

  “Well, there were seats left at this concert and the group’s manager is a friend of my dad’s so…I said to myself, ‘who in this place looks like they could use a night off?’ That’d be you, babe.”

  A grin spread across Emery’s face. “Thank you so much!”

/>   “You’re welcome. Emily, you work hard and you don’t complain. I like you. It’s the least I could do.”

  “So I get the night off too?”

  “Yep,” Jenna answered and then walked back to the stage where the band was warming up for the night.

  Emery took her apron off and pulled out her phone. She texted Noah.

  Can you come down here and see a concert at the Ryman with me?

  She didn’t know what his plans were tonight. If he couldn’t go, she’d go by herself. After a few minutes of waiting on her phone, she put it in the back pocket of her skinny jeans. She walked to the bar and waved the bartender down.

  “Eric, can I get a Summer Shandy?” He knew she was underage, but he’d served her before.

  Eric leaned onto the bar and yelled over the band, “I thought you were working?”

  Eric’s spiky hair, earrings, and tattoos made all the servers in this place drop their panties for him on a daily basis, but his charm didn’t work on her. The only person that she had a physical interest in was Noah. His easy charm and laid back personality had let her trust him completely. It’d taken a year, but he never pressed. He understood her for reasons she couldn’t explain.

  Eric had both forearms on the bar and leaned in to talk to her. “Sure, I can get you what you want.” He smiled and unconsciously, Emery leaned away from him. Eric cocked his head to the side to look at her, but then he backed away and got her beer.

  Her butt vibrated with a message on her phone. She leaned forward and pulled it out of her back pocket.

  Are you asking me out on a date?

  Smiling, she texted back.

  Nope, but if I was what would you say?

  She could see his face in her mind right now and it made her feel…peaceful. It was a foreign feeling. Once she’d been old enough to know what peaceful meant, it was nowhere to be found.

  I’d say take me wherever you want and do whatever you want with me

  Eric slid her beer across the wood bar and mouthed, “It’s on me.”

  She shook her head and tried to hand him money. He jumped back so that she couldn’t put it in his hand. The band started their next song and she was distracted by a lazy Southern twang and perfect guitar strum that she could feel in her chest. She turned so that she was facing the stage and drank in the man that she felt like she knew from somewhere, but couldn’t place.

  Two songs later, she realized she’d just seen this guy on the show Nashville the night before. The city was amazing that way. They had all sorts of people show up to sing, whether they were people just starting out or artists that had awards. She loved music, so it was the perfect place for her to get lost.

  At a break in the music, Noah strode into the bar and made a beeline to where she was sitting, second beer in hand.

  “That was quick,” she commented.

  “I wasn’t home, so it didn’t take me too long to get here.”

  She inspected him. His hair was mussed and his face flushed.

  “Oh,” she said, but let it drop.

  The music picked back up and Noah crowded into the small space between her and the person next to her at the bar, ordering them both beers. He was so close she could smell a woman’s perfume on him. Her heart deflated a little; she didn’t know why. They weren’t together. It wasn’t her place to be upset he’d been with someone else, especially since she’d told him to do it. He’d actually been respectful by doing it outside their condo, which allowed her the fantasy that they had something special. They laughed and enjoyed each other. He was showing her many ways she liked to be touched by him, but they were neither dating nor a couple. Emery tried to scoot away from him and give him some room.

  He handed her a new beer and leaned into her, yelling in her ear so she could hear him. “So, where are you taking me on my date?”

  “Were you just on a date?” The words slipped out before her brain caught up, and she was mortified. It was none of her business.

  His lips were a fraction of an inch away from hers. His breath was warm on her lips and she rearranged herself on the barstool instead of kissing him. He grabbed her hand and pulled her up the stairs, giving up her prime barstool real estate. She followed him, wondering what he was doing. He pulled her onto the back patio, which was empty due to the band inside. They looked at each other once they were by themselves. Emery was mesmerized by his tight navy sweater and could stare at him all night. He broke eye contact first, ran a hand through his hair, and sighed.

  “It doesn’t matter where I am, Em. I’m always with you.” His eyes found hers again and held them with such intensity it was her turn to look away.

  “I…” She twirled a curl around her finger, not knowing what to say. Her hair was now a light caramel color, since she’d let her brown dye fade over the past few months. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your date. It’s just when I got these tickets, you’re the only one I wanted to go with.”

  “You didn’t interrupt anything important,” he assured her, beaming. “Who are we seeing, by the way?” He reached around her and pulled the envelope out of her back pocket. His nearness caused her body to react. Her breath hitched and her eyes fluttered up to his lips. Noah pushed her against the brick wall and kissed her.

  It started slowly and cautious, his hands on the wall next to her head, but once she put her hand inside his sweater to feel his skin, he pulled her hair back and kissed her neck frantically.

  “Noah,” she moaned into his mouth. He tasted of spearmint.

  He took a step back and smiled. “Sorry, Em. I lost myself for a minute.” He rubbed his face with his palms.

  Her hand fell out from under his sweater, where she’d been outlining his abs. She wanted to commit this moment to her memory. She’d flustered him. Emery was amused and stepped toward him, closing the gap he’d put between them.

  “I’m taking you to see Counting Crows and then I’m taking you home. To my bed.” Emery had just gotten the last word out when he attacked her mouth like a man possessed. His stubble rubbing her face pulled her from her unrealistic fantasy of them. Her entire body froze. This is why she couldn’t do this. The memories would never allow her to be normal; a five o’clock shadow would forever send her retreating into the coffin of her mind. She wiggled out of his grasp, the memory of Phil’s touch haunting her.

  Noah stood there, chest heaving, his eyes intense on her. “What just happened?”

  “Nothing.” Lies. Emery straightened her clothes and smoothed her hair, then started moving toward the door. “We should go and get our seats.”

  He grabbed her hand, pulling her into him again. “I’m going to find where you go,” Noah said into her ear, his lips grazing the lobe sending chills down her body. His body was hard behind her and she wanted to melt into him, but he was doing all the wrong things for her mind to relax. “I’m going to find where you go and lock the door so that you can never go back.”

  Without realizing it, Noah had left no doubt in her mind they could never be what he wanted them to be and that try as she may, she was not Emily Sanders. Emily Sanders didn’t even exist. How could he even look at her that way? It made her sad for him. She was a pile of lies on top of deceit with a cherry of bullshit on top and he thought she was someone else. He thought he knew her.

  No one knew her. Hell, she didn’t even know herself.

  They walked silently over to the Ryman. She read the history of “The Mother Church of Country Music,” as they entered the venue and then found their seats. The seats were pretty small and Emery found herself pressed up against Noah. He smelled of a mixture of his usual cologne and a perfume that was definitely not him. Emery’s mind was on overdrive.

  The beat of the drums and the tone of the lead singer’s voice took Emery away from her circumstances and she swayed with the beat. She felt Noah wrap his hand around hers. Then the lyrics pulled her from herself and chills rushed over her skin. She’d never felt so wrapped up in a song or the meaning of its words. The
feeling lasted from one song to the next and Emery felt like every song was about her. The words washed over her and she knew there were going to be consequences to everything she was feeling. She certainly wasn’t ready for them.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  What’s my Name?

  She and Rachel were eating sushi at a restaurant called PM close to Noah’s house. The chef had been on Top Chef and the place never disappointed. When Noah had an away game, Rachel tried to come and keep Emery company. It’d been less and less since Emery worked almost every weekend, but Rachel still thought Emery shouldn’t be by herself. Although Rachel was right in the fact that Emery hated it when Noah was out of town, it was only because she had to wait to touch him. When he was gone, she yearned to feel every inch of his six foot two frame.

  “So, how’s it going?” Rachel asked, looking over the rim of her pint glass. When Derrick had gotten Emery all of her new identification, Rachel had talked him into giving Emery another one so that she could drink.

  “Well, things are okay. I really wish Noah would let me pay him rent.”

  “His parents pay for everything. Just enjoy it.” Rachel smiled at a couple of guys at the table next to them.

  “Well, he’s amazing and so sweet to let me stay—”

  “Wait, what?” Rachel’s eyes snapped to her friend, interrupting her.

  Emery sat back and knew what Rachel was asking. “I was saying that Noah is really nice to let one of your friends stay with him. I could’ve been someone super annoying, but he still hasn’t kicked me out.”

  “Because you’re not annoying.” Rachel’s eyes narrowed at Emery, scrutinizing her.

  “Well, we sort of do our own thing, you know? I try not to bother him at all. I’ve been working a lot. I’m trying to save money.”

  “You think he’s amazing?” Rachel asked, ignoring what Emery had just said.

  Emery nodded and looked away from Rachel.

  “Emery,” Rachel whispered. “You’re not supposed to do that.”

  “Do what?”