Razorblade Kisses

by R. L. Griffin

  “You know what, and the fact that you’re refusing to look at me means you’re really doing what I was sure you wouldn’t do.” Rachel’s shoulders sagged with the knowledge of what her cousin and Emery were, in fact, doing.

  “Rachel,” Emery finally faced her, “it’s fine. I’m fine. Noah is a good guy and we make out and whatever, but he doesn’t look at me like that. He’s still dates and we’re just having a good time.”

  “You just make out?” Rachel was incredulous.

  Emery nodded.

  “You couldn’t find someone else to have a good time with?” Rachel shook her head; she didn’t want this to happen, not at all. “What about that bartender at Jack’s? He’s sort of hot. I mean, Emery…shit.”

  “It’s fine,” Emery kept repeating, because that’s what she’d been telling herself for the past several months.

  “No, it’s not fine. I want you to be in a happy, normal relationship. His dating other girls and making out with you is not normal.”

  Emery knew Rachel wouldn’t understand. “Rachel, this makes me happy. Can you believe it? I’m actually smiling and laughing. When I started waking up in the morning and the pain was tolerable, I thought I might be dead, but I wasn’t. It was him. He’s healed some parts of me, the parts that have been open wounds.” She sighed. “He peeled away all of my protective layers with a razorblade, slowly and carefully. He’s not hurting me. He’s healing me.”

  “You’re falling for him.”

  The words stung Emery. “Rachel,” she shook her head, “how can I fall for him? He doesn’t even know my name.”

  Rachel examined Emery’s face, then sighed. “This won’t end well.”

  “It’s my life, so that’s a given.” Emery’s shoulders hunched over, resigned to her life. There were weeks that she could go and lose herself in Emily. Then there were times like this, when she would love to be able to tell Rachel that Noah wanted to be her boyfriend and they were going to make a go of it, but her messed up life prevented her from accepting anything from Noah that was real or even semi-permanent.

  “No, Em. It’s not a given. You have the right to have a happily ever after.”

  “No one has the right to a happily ever after.”

  “Fuck that,” Rachel muttered. “We’ll get you a happy ending if it’s the last thing I do.”

  Noah was sitting at the kitchen table with Vanessa when Emery came in from her shift at Jack’s. She’d worked the day shift and brought home dinner.

  “Hey,” Emery said to them both. “I brought home dinner. There’s plenty for all three of us.”

  “Oh, thanks, Emily. You didn’t have to do that.” Vanessa smiled and then looked back at the book between her and Noah.

  “Hey, babe, let us finish this up and then we’ll eat, okay?”

  Emery and Vanessa both stared at Noah. His head was down and he was writing something on a paper and then moved to type something on his laptop.

  Emery was shocked by his words. “Don’t ‘babe’ me.”

  Noah raised his head at her tone, confusion evident on his face. “What?”

  Vanessa looked like she was watching a tennis match.

  Emery’s eyes narrowed at him. “I’m not your ‘babe.’”

  “Aw shit, Em. Sorry. I was deep into this problem.”

  They engaged in a stare down for a few seconds before Vanessa cleared her throat. “Um, I need to use the restroom.”

  “You can use mine, V, I’ll show you,” Noah said and gently squeezed Emery’s arm as they passed her.

  Emery shrugged, put the food in the fridge, and then went into her room. She locked the door, not because she needed to, but because she could.

  After a few hours of reading a book about a prosecutor whose son was accused of murder, a soft knock on the door broke her concentration.

  “Yeah,” she called.

  “Emily, you want to eat?”

  Emery rolled out of the bed and opened the door. Vanessa stood there with a look on her face that Emery wasn’t entirely comfortable with. Her deep auburn hair fell in waves around her face and her low-cut shirt gave away the fact that she was trying to get Noah’s attention.

  “Where’s Noah?” Emery asked as she followed Vanessa to the kitchen.

  “Oh, he got a call and stepped outside. He told me it was dinner time.”

  They walked into the kitchen and Emery pulled the food out of the fridge, setting it on the counter. Vanessa stood in the doorway and watched Emery with avid curiosity.

  “I have pulled pork, chicken, and ribs. Sides are okra, corn, and mac and cheese.”

  “Good grief, that’s a lot of food,” Vanessa commented.

  “Yeah, well. Noah eats like three grown men sometimes, so it’s just best to bring a lot home. I’ll eat the leftovers tomorrow, if there are any.”

  The front door slammed and Noah walked in with a grin. “Damn, woman, that looks good.”

  “Here,” she handed them both plates, “I’ll warm everything up and bring it to the table.”

  Noah leaned past Vanessa and grabbed a cold rib, taking a bite.

  The microwave signaled it was done and she walked over to the table. “So, how’s the tutoring going?” she asked as she set the food out.

  “Good,” Noah answered as he started piling his plate up with meat and sides.

  Emery gave Vanessa a knowing look. Vanessa giggled.

  “What?” Noah asked as he started shoveling food.

  “Emily was telling me that you eat like three grown men. She was right.”

  “I usually am.” Emery nodded.

  “You’re constantly wrong,” Noah commented.

  “About what?” She teased him.

  “You know what,” he grumbled as he continued to shovel food in his mouth like he hadn’t eaten in days.

  Emery shook her head. “Sorry, Vanessa, Noah must’ve gotten bad news on the phone.”

  “Why’s that?” Noah sat back in his chair and examined her.

  “Because you’re being an ass to your friend.” Emery nodded toward Vanessa.

  Realization washed over his face. “Shit, you’re right. Sorry, V. Listen, that was Shannon and she wants me to come over. I’m going to get in the shower and head that way. I’ll see you next week?”

  “Yeah, that’s cool,” Vanessa answered.

  Emery pushed her okra around on her plate. She wasn’t a huge fan of okra, but Noah liked it.

  “So you two aren’t together?” Vanessa asked.

  “Nope,” Emery answered easily.

  “Really? I thought—”

  “Really,” Emery interrupted. “Noah has many different girls. I am definitely not one of them.”

  Vanessa finished her dinner while Noah was still in the shower and left. Emery cleaned up and then went in her room, locking the door.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Nothing’s Easy

  It was Valentine’s Day and no one wanted to work, but Emery didn’t mind. She’d made a ton in tips tonight with everyone coming in on a weekday for dinner, drinks, and live music. Her long-sleeved shirt was soaked with barbeque sauce and stained with cheese and other things; it’d been a long night already and it was only nine o’clock.

  She was making salads when she felt someone behind her. “What’s up?” she asked when the feeling didn’t change for a few seconds.

  “Your boyfriend didn’t mind you working on Valentine’s Day?”

  She turned to see Eric wearing tight, low slung jeans and a tight red t-shirt that said Oh, it’s Valentine’s Day? I didn’t forget your present. It’s in my pants.

  “Nice shirt,” she joked and then turned back to her salads.

  “Seriously, why are you working on Valentine’s Day?” he asked and pulled on her ponytail teasingly.

  “I don’t have a boyfriend, Eric,” she answered, putting her salads on her tray and making her way back to her tables.

  Much to her dismay, Eric was working the bar when she went to get h
er next order. “Where did Lindsay go?”

  “She had a hot date with her man. I told her I’d take over after nine so she could go get some.”

  “Well, that was nice of you.” Emery waited as he set seven different pints of beer on her tray.

  “If you’d get to know me, Emily, you’d see that I’m very nice.”

  “You mean in your pants, right?”

  He threw his head back and laughed heartily. “You bet.” He knocked on the wood where she was and then walked down to the other side of the bar.

  When she looked up from her tray to start moving to her new table, she saw Noah standing toward the middle of the bar with a weird look on his face. He stalked over to where she was standing.

  “Can you get off work?” he asked, looking toward the bar.

  “Well, hello to you too, Noah.” She stepped back and started toward her section. “And no!” she called over her shoulder.

  After she put all of her drinks down, she went back to the kitchen for an order. Upon exiting the kitchen, she saw that Noah was sitting at one of her tables with a bunch of flowers wrapped in green paper. She cocked her head to the side in question. He just smiled a panty melting smile she’d seen him use with other girls. What the hell is he up to?

  She took food over to one of her tables and then went to stand at Noah’s table. “What are you doing?” she asked, standing close enough to him that her leg brushed his.

  “Well, I didn’t plan anything because I’m an ass, but I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with you. So I want some ribs and beer.” He put his arm around her waist and pulled her into him in an awkward hug. “Please,” he added.

  He wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with me. No one had ever wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with her. To be honest, she’d never wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with anyone. “You’re trying to get in my pants,” she deadpanned.

  “Always,” he joked.

  “You didn’t have another one of your ladies you wanted to spend tonight with?” She couldn’t help the bitterness that filled her words and regretted saying it immediately as the smile dropped from his lips.

  “See, you don’t get to do that, Emily,” Noah said, fidgeting with the paper wrapped around over twelve crimson gerbera daisies. “You know what red gerbera daisies mean?”

  She looked around at her tables to make sure no one was signaling her for anything. When she looked back at Noah, she found she wanted to thread her fingers through his hair and kiss him. “No,” she answered.

  “It means unconscious love,” he explained.

  His words hung in the air.

  “Noah,” she warned, glaring at him.

  “Emily, I think we’re good for each other. I love it when my tongue is inside you and I can tell you do too. I want to have all of you. I know you keep telling me you don’t want it, but you sure as hell do unconsciously. I can tell when you clench around my fingers…”

  “Noah, you can’t come in here and say all this. I’m working.” She really was irritated, but more because she wanted to quit and go home with him immediately. “The flowers are beautiful. The sentiment is something we can talk about. What spurred this?”

  He smiled. “I don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day with anyone else but you.”

  “Let me put your order in,” she said and turned on her heel. She didn’t know what to think. She’d assumed he was going to be with one of his other girls tonight. Emery told herself every time she was swept up in a kiss or a touch that it wasn’t real. His going on a date tonight would have helped her be okay with things because it would show her he didn’t want anything else from her. She could block out the conversation they had after he’d taken her to get her SUV, but she couldn’t ignore this.

  She watched him while she put his order in the computer. He was wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt, worn out jeans, round-toed work boots, and a John Deere hat. Noah looked up from his phone and saw her gawking at him. He motioned her over. Instead of going straight to Noah, she veered to the bar to grab his beer.

  “I thought you said you didn’t have a boyfriend,” Eric commented as he handed her Noah’s beer.

  “I don’t,” she replied.

  “Yeah, you do,” she heard Eric retort as she moved away.

  “You don’t know what those flowers mean,” she said as she set his beer on the table.

  “I googled it.” He wrapped both hands around the back of her upper thighs and pulled her flush with him. She was standing in between his legs and everything disappeared as she lowered her head slowly. Noah turned his hat around backwards and caught her lips with his mouth in a slow dance. When she’d finally remembered she was at work, she stepped back.

  “Oh shit,” she said, pointing at his once-white long-sleeved t-shirt, which was now covered with sauce and random bits of meat. “Your shirt.”

  His eyes twinkled. “Totally worth it.”

  “You came in here and made my entire night. Thank you,” she admitted and went to check her other tables before she was tempted to kiss him again.

  Noah continued sitting at the table, sipping his beer and touching her inappropriately until after midnight, when the restaurant closed. He stood to go, kissed her, and grabbed her butt. She slapped at his hand playfully. “I don’t like the way that bartender looks at you,” he whispered in her ear.

  “Whatever,” she said dismissively.

  “I’ll see you at home. I’ll be the one in your bed.” He winked and then left.

  As Emery swept her section, she realized that tonight was the first time he’d disregarded her request that they not acknowledge each other physically in public. She was more shocked to find she didn’t care. The grin on her face was permanent for the rest of the night.

  She woke with a start and glanced at her phone on the bedside table. It was 3:36 in morning.

  “Hey,” Noah moaned roughly, sleep filling his voice.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” She rolled over and lay with her face inches from his. She couldn’t really see him, only the outline of his features.

  “You okay?” His voice was soft. Then he closed the mere inches separating them and kissed her lazily, like he had all the time in the world.

  Heat blazed through her as quick as lightening. He leaned back and put his fingers on her lips, softly.

  “Noah?”

  “Yeah, babe.”

  “Don’t ‘babe’ me,” she said without thinking.

  He chuckled. “You like baby better?”

  “This doesn’t change anything,” she pushed.

  “This changes everything and I promise you may not see it, but you need it to change. I don’t want anyone else and besides, they would all be poor replacements for you.”

  His words were what she’d wanted but feared at the same time. The regrets she had about telling him to date other people invaded her thoughts when she smelled different girls on his clothes, on him. Emery had convinced herself that this was better for them both, but no matter what they were slowly intertwining with each other and she didn’t want any other girls in the mix.

  “Okay.”

  “Yeah?” His voice filled with joy.

  “Okay, but I’m not your girlfriend,” she said.

  “I can live with that.” He kissed her. It was a chaste kiss and she pulled herself closer to his body.

  “And we’re still keeping things to our apartment.”

  “Oh, it’s ours now?” He kissed the tip of her nose. His lips burned a trail of kisses down her neck.

  Emery’s mind buzzed with what she was doing and how wrong it was. She couldn’t be the person he wanted her to be, the person he deserved. The person that could meet his parents and have his babies. The girl that would make his life better. That wasn’t her. She wasn’t that person. Noah seemed to love easily, but she couldn’t because she knew she’d have to walk away from him at some point.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Unwanted Conversations

  E
mery was sitting at the table staring at the red daisies when her phone rang. She ran to her purse and answered. “What’s up?”

  “Hey, just wanted to check in with you. Things going okay? I’m graduating from high school in like three months. Can you believe it? I haven’t been grounded in months and Derrick kissed me. Oh, and I talked to your sister.”

  “Whoa, Rach…I can’t follow you. That was like one long run-on sentence.”

  “Ashley is doing awesome. She’s on some sort of gymnastics team or something. She said you’d know it was a big deal.”

  Hot pins pricked at the back of her eyes and tears threatened. Emery was on the gymnastics team for years before she quit; she’d loved it. “When are her meets? I’d love to go,” she said before she actually thought about her words. “But I can’t…”

  “But Em, she’s so awesome. I thought you’d be happy.”

  “I’d be happy if I could see her compete. If I could hug her neck and tell her how much I love her.”

  “Well, I’ll get her to make you a video and send it to me, okay?” Rachel suggested. “Then I’ll send it to you and then delete it.”

  Emery’s heart soared. “Why haven’t you thought about that before?! That’s awesome. I’ll do one too…”

  “No!” Rachel yelled into the phone. “Did you not just hear that my crush of years kissed me?”

  Emery grinned. “So…what happened?”

  “Oh my gawd…his lips are like velvet and it felt like…it was perfect, Em. It was everything I’d hoped it be. I felt it in my crotch.”

  “Well, that’s explicit.” Emery laughed, though she knew Rachel wouldn’t be any other way.

  “I mean, I wanted to unzip his pants immediately, but I couldn’t.”

  “And why not?”

  “Because I was leaving my dad’s office and he was entering the elevator, so I decided to take a ride back up with him. He pushed me against the wall and everything. It was like a fucking movie, except the doors opened and my dad’s receptionist saw me. Then Derrick walked out of the elevator with a raging hard-on. It was awesome.”

  Emery laughed. “Have you talked to him since?”