First and Again

by Jana Richards

  “Oh yes. I wouldn’t dream of imposing on you by accepting a job in your new catering company. I’m sure you really don’t want someone like me there anyway, someone who’s responsible for making so many people ill with food poisoning because they were so careless with the food. I’m sure you were only offering me the job because I’m Rebecca’s mother, not because I’m actually a talented chef very much in demand. Isn’t that right, Ben?”

  He made no response. Instead he turned to Rebecca. “Will you be ready to fly out of here the day after tomorrow?”

  Rebecca looked at her, a plea in her eyes. “Mom?”

  Her heart fell. He still planned to take Rebecca back to San Francisco, even though she’d just told him she’d never work for him. It was clear his intention was simply to inflict pain. “Rebecca, here are some truths. Your father and I don’t like each other. But we both love you, each in our own different ways. I don’t want to move back to the city, and quite frankly I think you’re better off here as well. But if you honestly want to be closer to your father, and if you really think your life will be better in the city, we’ll go back.”

  Rebecca looked first at her dad and then at Bridget. Her face was full of anguish and Bridget hated that she had to make her chose like this.

  “I don’t want to lose my dad,” she said at last.

  Bridget bent to kiss the top of her head, her heart breaking. She turned her face away, not wanting to let Ben know how close she was to tears.

  “I know, sweetheart.”

  She struggled to get herself under control. When she faced her ex-husband again her eyes were dry.

  “We’ll be ready to go the day after tomorrow.”

  * * *

  Jack ran into the bar still clutching the letter from the Blackwood Academy in his hand. His anger had cooled from the white-hot flame it had been when he’d left home, but it still smoldered dangerously, ready to burst to life if fanned once more.

  He found Mavis behind the bar polishing glasses as she took them out of the dishwasher.

  “Where’s Bridget?” he asked without preamble.

  “She’s upstairs.” Mavis narrowed her eyes as she examined his face. “I don’t want you upsetting her. She’s having a hard enough time as it is.”

  She was having a hard time? “I need to speak with her for a minute. Is Rebecca up there too?”

  “No,” she said, her face taut with anger. “She’s with her father in his motel room.”

  “Her father is here?”

  “Yeah, he’s here.” She sighed. She pointed to the door leading to the staircase. “You can go up this way.”

  He took the stairs two at a time, propelled by anger and righteous indignation. When he reached the top of the stairs he opened the door that led into the kitchen.

  “Bridget? I need to talk to you.”

  She entered the kitchen from the bedroom area. When she saw him she gave a little cry and ran straight into his arms. He tried to hold himself stiff and unyielding but his traitorous body responded to hers. The scent of her hair and the feel of her in his arms made him remember her in his bed. He stepped away.

  “Where have you been all day?” she asked. “I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.”

  “I was at the hospital in Bismarck most of the day. Leslie broke her arm.”

  She looked genuinely horrified. “Broke her arm? How?”

  He related the details to her. “Apparently she thought she could ride Molly by herself, because you told her she could.”

  “I told her she could?” She put her hand to her temple as if warding off a headache. “Jack, you know I never said that to her.”

  “You’ve been filling her head with crazy ideas for months. ‘Bridget says I can do this,’ ‘Bridget says I can do that.’ Well, guess what, Bridget? She can’t do the things most kids do, and she never will. You can’t fix her.”

  “I wasn’t trying to fix her, Jack. I just want her to live up to her full potential.”

  “Her full potential?” He waved the letter from the Blackwood Academy in her face. “Is that why you had them send me this? Leslie’s mother wanted to erase her from our lives and now you’re trying to do the same thing. You’re trying to send her away.”

  “No! Of course not! I just thought Leslie could benefit from some of their programs. She could learn to be more self-sufficient, more confident. And she doesn’t have to live away from home. If you’d read that brochure, you’d see that they have weekend programs and summer camps. Leslie would have a ball at summer camp.”

  “With all the other retards you mean?”

  She stared at him, speechless for a few moments. “Is that how you feel about your daughter? Is that why you treat her as if she’s incapable of doing anything for herself? She deserves a lot better than that.”

  He hadn’t meant the words to come out like that. “Bridget—”

  She placed her hand against his heart. “I love you, Jack. No matter what. Rebecca has decided she wants to move back to San Francisco to be close to her dad. I’m going with her. We’re leaving the day after tomorrow.”

  He stepped away, his hands trembling with anger.

  “How dare you stand there and tell me you love me in one breath and that you’re leaving me in the next? I knew you wouldn’t stay, I knew it all along.”

  She reached out to touch him again. “Jack—”

  He brushed off her hand. “No! I knew I shouldn’t trust you again!”

  “You couldn’t trust me? What about you? You married Victoria after we’d been apart only three months. Three months! Did you forget everything we’d meant to each other so quickly?”

  “You made it pretty damn clear that it was over when you left. What was I supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life pining for you?”

  “I was coming back.” Tears trickled down her cheeks. “I missed you so much. I bought a bus ticket for Houston. I was going to quit school and beg you to forgive me. Then I got the call from Celia, telling me you were married.”

  He stared at her, dumbfounded, not knowing what to say or even what to think. Then the hurt of her abandonment, her scheming behind his back came to the fore.

  “Are you telling me this now to make me feel guilty? Am I supposed to forgive everything that’s happened? If that’s what you want, it won’t work. The best thing for me and Leslie is if you leave and never come back.”

  She sucked in her breath as if he’d physically struck her. For a moment he regretted his harsh words. Then he thought of his daughter with her arm in a cast and felt angry all over again.

  “Maybe this is the best thing for both of us,” he said. “You don’t belong here anymore.”

  He turned away from the pain he saw in her eyes and headed to the door. Anger consumed him as he bounded down the stairs. Damn her for making him feel like the villain. Damn her for making him care about her again.

  But as much as he tried to banish the image from his memory, the hurt and disappointment in her eyes followed him all the way home.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Bridget packed her clothes into her beat-up old suitcase in a haphazard manner, not caring how much they wrinkled. Her fingers felt stiff, as if they wanted to stop this painful exercise. Jack’s final words reverberated through her head. You don’t belong here anymore.

  She’d wanted to argue with him, to plead with him. She wanted him to fight for her, to beg her not to go and to convince Rebecca that they had a home with him here.

  She wanted him to tell her he loved her too.

  Instead he’d been angry with her for sticking her nose into his family’s business.

  Maybe she had overstepped her bounds. She’d wanted Leslie to be happy and she was convinced that learning to do some things for herself would make her make her more self—confident and reliant and a much happier little girl. Perhaps she’d gone too far in having the Blackwood Academy send Jack the information on their programs. She should have approached him slowly about the id
ea. Maybe over time he would have seen that independence was the most loving gift he could give to his daughter.

  She threw another sweater into her suitcase. It didn’t matter anymore. Everything she’d done, she’d done out of love for Leslie. And for Jack. Despite the way they’d parted she loved him and knew she always would.

  You don’t belong here anymore.

  Where did she belong?

  She heard a knock on the outside door. She wiped a few stray tears from her eyes and went out into the kitchen. Celia let herself in and closed the door behind her.

  “Hi,” she said, as she removed her parka and draped it over a kitchen chair. “How are you doing?”

  She shrugged, not sure how to answer.

  “I’ve been better.”

  “Yeah, so have I,” Celia said with a sigh. “Are you all packed?”

  “Pretty much,” Bridget answered. “I’m taking two suitcases with me tomorrow on the plane. I’ve got a couple of boxes of clothes that Rebecca and I don’t need right now. When we find a place and get settled, do you think you can send them to us?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  “Can you ask Gavin if he can try to sell my car? I hate to burden him with it, but I don’t know what else to do on such short notice.”

  Celia touched her arm. “It’s no burden, Bridge. Gavin and I will be happy to help you. That’s what families are for, right?”

  She couldn’t hold back her tears any longer. Celia enveloped her in her arms, stroking her hair and whispering soothing words. Her sobs racked her body. All her pain and frustration and anger rose to the surface, but instead of purging those emotions, she only felt raw and empty.

  After a long time her tears subsided and she was able to step away from her sister.

  “I’m going to miss you so much,” Celia said, wiping a tear from her own cheek. “I feel like I’m just getting to know you.”

  “Yes, I know what you mean.” If Ben had wanted to inflict maximum pain on her he couldn’t have found a better way. Just as she’d reconnected with her mother and sister, she was being torn away from them.

  “Are you sure there’s no other way?” Celia asked. “Maybe if Jack talked to Rebecca he could convince her to stay.”

  She shook her head. “Jack’s made it very clear that he wants nothing more to do with me.” She told her sister about their final conversation. “It’s all my fault, Celia. I shouldn’t have pushed him.”

  “Stop taking the blame for his mistakes. Everyone in the family knows that he treats Leslie as if she’s helpless. We’ve tried to talk to him, but he won’t listen. I don’t know what’s going on his head, but I guess you hit a nerve.”

  “He’s a good man, Celia. Look out for him, will you? And for Leslie?”

  Her eyes filled with tears. “I will.”

  * * *

  By 6:00 p.m. both Bridget and Rebecca had finished packing. Their suitcases were piled near the door, ready to go. Bridget didn’t feel nearly as ready.

  Mavis poked her head into her room. “I made some soup. Why don’t you come sit with me and Rebecca and have something to eat?”

  She didn’t feel much like eating, but she knew it would make her mother feel better if she made an attempt.

  “Who’s downstairs looking after the bar?” she asked as Mavis ladled soup into her bowl.

  “I asked Tina to come in. Since it’s our last night together for a while I wanted to spend it with you two.”

  The thought that this was their last night together made what little appetite she had disappear completely. Mavis covered her hand with her own.

  “Come on, Bridget, it’s not like we’re never going to see each other again. We can talk to each other as often as we want on the phone, and who knows? Maybe you’ll find me on your doorstep next summer.”

  She squeezed her mother’s hand and tried to keep her tears at bay. She didn’t want Rebecca to feel guilty about her decision. “I’d like that a lot.”

  “You and I have a lot to celebrate,” Mavis said. Though she smiled, her eyes were misty. “We’ve managed to find each other again. It doesn’t matter if we don’t live in the same town. We’re a family.”

  Rebecca jumped to her feet. “I’m finished my soup, Grandma. Can I be excused?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  Rebecca put her bowl in the dishwasher. She didn’t make eye contact with either Bridget or Mavis. “Mike and Megan are coming to pick me up in a few minutes. We’re going over to Shawna’s house. To say goodbye, you know.”

  Bridget nodded. “Say goodbye to Shawna for me too.”

  “I will.” She fidgeted a moment as if she wanted say something else. Bridget held her breath, hoping her daughter had changed her mind about leaving Paradise. But then the doorbell rang, dispelling all hope of meaningful conversation.

  “That’s Mike and Megan. Tell them I’ll be ready in a couple of minutes.” She fled into the bathroom.

  She opened the door and let in her niece and nephew. “Rebecca’s just getting ready. She’ll be out soon.”

  “We’re really sorry you and Rebecca are going away,” Megan said. Her mouth curled down in a frown that looked so much like Celia’s that Bridget couldn’t help but smile.

  She wished she’d have the chance to see her niece and nephew grow up. Perhaps she could have offered a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear once in a while. She would have liked doing that for Celia’s children.

  “I’m sorry too, sweetheart.” She kissed Megan’s cheek and enveloped her in a hug.

  “Goodbye, Auntie Bridge,” Mike said.

  She smiled at their pet name for her. For a moment she was struck by Mike’s resemblance to Jack at seventeen. She touched his face. “Goodbye, Mike. If you’re ever in San Francisco, look us up.”

  “Count on it.”

  Rebecca emerged from the bathroom and murmured her hellos. It struck Bridget that her daughter didn’t appear any happier about leaving Paradise than she was. If they were both so unhappy, why were they going?

  A few minutes after Rebecca left with Mike and Megan, Tina came up the back steps from the bar. She knocked on the door before opening it.

  “Things are pretty quiet downstairs so I just wanted to pop up here to say goodbye.” Tears shone in her eyes. “I’m going to miss you.”

  “I’ll miss you too. And I’m sorry. This isn’t how I wanted our business venture to end.”

  She waved away her concern. “Don’t worry about it. Just look after yourself. And for God’s sake, kick that two-timing, cheating, louse of an ex-husband of yours to the curb, would you?”

  She could always count on Tina to make her laugh. She laughed even as tears rolled down her face.

  “Don’t worry, Tina. Making sure that Ben gets what he deserves is number one on my to-do list.”

  * * *

  Gavin stormed into the house without knocking, stomping his boots on the rug at the back door to dislodge the snow. He pulled off the boots with an impatient tug and advanced on Jack, his normally easygoing features as fierce as the weather outside.

  “What the hell’s the matter with you?”

  Jack glanced at Gladys, who looked up in surprise at Gavin’s angry tone. His brother’s temper was slow to ignite, but if given enough fuel, it burst into a surprisingly hot flame.

  He gritted his teeth. He had a good idea what was on his mind. The last thing he needed right now was a lecture.

  “Just say what you’ve got to say and then get the hell out.”

  Gladys took Leslie’s hand and headed into the other room.

  “We’ll let you two boys work this out among yourselves.”

  Gavin waited until they were out of earshot. “Bridget’s leaving tomorrow.”

  His heart tripped over itself. He hadn’t expected her to leave quite so soon. But maybe it was for the best. Better to get it over with quickly.

  Gavin stared at him. “Aren’t you going to say something? Doesn’t the fact that she’s leaving
and will probably never come back rate just a little reaction from you?”

  “What do you want me to do, Gavin? Do you want me to cry about it?”

  “Yes, damn it! I want you to do something instead of sitting here with your thumb up your ass. She’s leaving, Jack. Give her a reason to stay.”

  “She’s made her decision and I respect it. There’s nothing I can do.” He swallowed and closed his eyes briefly. “Besides, we’ve had some disagreements about Leslie. It’s better this way.”

  “Better for who? It sure as hell isn’t better for Leslie.” Gavin sat on one of the kitchen chairs. “I know you love your daughter, Jack, but the way you treat her doesn’t do her any favors.”

  He scowled. “Everything I do, I do with her best interests in mind.”

  “No, you don’t. Not really.”

  He stared at him, dumbfounded. “You’re delusional.”

  Gavin took off his knitted hat, then ran a hand through his thinning hair.

  “When Leslie was born, she was a very sick little girl. She needed your help and protection. But she’s healthy now and she’s growing up. She needs to experience the world on her own terms, to gain a bit of independence from you, and figure out who she is, just like any other kid. But you won’t let her do that. You’re so afraid that she’s going to be hurt that you won’t let her grow up.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “Is it? But what’s worse is that you hide behind her disabilities. If you do everything for her, if you keep her as helpless as possible, you can use her as an excuse for not getting involved with another woman. You can’t possibly marry Bridget because Leslie needs all your care and attention and she can’t understand that.” He paused and took a deep breath. “If you hold up Leslie like a shield, you don’t have to risk getting hurt again. I know you have good reasons for trying to protect yourself. You’ve had some bad luck with women. But you’re hurting Leslie. She can do a lot more than you’re letting her. My guess is when Bridget pointed that out, you pushed her away.”

  Jack didn’t answer. Was that true? Had Bridget shone a light on some truths he didn’t want to see?

  “All women aren’t like Victoria. She wanted a perfect child, but there’s no such thing. There are better women out there. Like Bridget. That’s all I’m saying.”