Not Pretending Anymore

by Ward, Penelope

  “Thank you, Declan.” Molly smiled as she got up from her seat and wrapped her arms around me.

  Then things went quiet again as she walked over to the coffeemaker and poured some into a travel mug. She looked back at me, and even though we’d just supposedly resolved things, nothing felt resolved.

  I leaned against the counter and tried to be nonchalant. “So you haven’t answered him yet about being exclusive?”

  She shook her head. “No. We’re supposed to go out again in the middle of the week. Our shifts don’t overlap the next few days, so I’ll see him on Wednesday. I figured I’d wait till we see each other in person.” She winked. “Plus, I don’t want it to seem like it was too easy a decision.”

  “Right.”

  She looked deeper into my eyes. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah.” I looked away for a moment. “I am. Just relieved we got this conversation out of the way.”

  ***

  When Molly and I crossed paths again the following night, I’d just gotten home from work, and she was already in her scrubs, getting ready to leave for her shift.

  “Hey, roomie.”

  She smiled. “Hey.”

  I’d hoped to feel different by the next time I saw her, but it was even harder to look at her now than it had been before. Adding fuel to the fire, the thin material of her scrubs was oddly revealing. I often stiffened at the sight of Molly’s ass in her scrub pants.

  I felt jealous and angry—angry at myself, mostly. But I still knew I was making the right decision. Despite that, I was still feeling a little greedy. I deserved some sort of parting gift.

  Molly was preparing her lunch bag when I opened the cabinet next to her and pretended to be getting a glass for water.

  “So I assume you still haven’t spoken to Will about his proposition?”

  “No. Remember I told you I won’t see him until our date on Wednesday night.”

  I crossed my arms. “So technically, you’re still single.”

  “Yeah.” She smiled. “I guess for another couple days.” She must have noticed the way I was looking at her, because she laughed nervously as her cheeks turned pink. “What?”

  “Since you’re still single…” I swallowed and forced the words out. “I want to kiss you. Just once.”

  Molly’s mouth fell open. Instead of taking her shock as a hint to stand down, I went into full-on staring at her lips. They were so full and inviting, so pink and supple. I had the strongest urge to take the bottom one between my teeth and bite, yanking it in a good, firm tug.

  Her breathing sped up, and I was mesmerized by the rise and fall of her chest. Watching her get worked up right before my eyes was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen, and it made me feel a thousand-feet tall.

  I stepped around to stand before her, face to face. Taking a hold of the counter on either side of her hips, I boxed her in. More than anything, I wanted to push her up against the cabinets and take the taste I’d been dying for since the day I moved in. But this was Molly, whom I respected and adored, so I needed her to give me something—anything—to let me know she wanted it, too.

  “Talk to me, Molly.” My voice was strained and gritty. I moved a half step closer, slipping two fingers under her chin and gently lifting so our eyes met. “Tell me it’s okay, that you want me to kiss you.”

  She swallowed. “I do.”

  My heart raced. I closed the tiny gap still remaining between us. Her warm, soft breasts pressed against my chest. “Do what, Molly? Say it. Tell me what you want.”

  “I…I want you to kiss me.”

  My mouth curved to a wicked grin. “Oh yeah?”

  Molly’s hair was in a ponytail, the way she often wore it to work. I reached up with one hand and slowly wrapped the entire length of it around my fist. Dipping my face so our noses brushed, I groaned. “Say it again.”

  Up until now, she’d seemed pensive, but I guess she was growing as impatient as I was. She wet her lips and looked straight into my eyes. “Goddamn it, Declan. Kiss me already. I have to leave for work in a few minutes, and that’s already going to be too soon.”

  My eyebrows jumped. But she was so right; I needed to stop wasting precious time. Plus, I could get lost staring into those big baby blues. I smiled. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Leaning in, I cupped her cheek and tilted her head with the hand wrapped in her hair before I planted my lips over hers. The moment we connected, my entire body lit up like a goddamned Christmas tree. Jesus Christ. However good I thought we’d be together, the reality had exceeded my imagination already. Usually with a first kiss, there’s a certain feeling-each-other-out period where you get to know the other’s style—the logistics take a bit to fall into place. But not with Molly. We were completely in sync from the get-go.

  I slid my hands down to her ass, readying to nudge her to wrap her legs around me and let me take her weight. But by the time I got there, she was already climbing me like a fucking tree. Molly dug her nails into my shoulders as she hoisted herself up. Needing some leverage so I could press her even closer, I walked with her wrapped around my waist until her back hit the refrigerator with a thud. Our lips never parted as my body smashed against hers, and I grinded my hips between her legs to show her exactly what she was doing to me.

  Molly gasped into our joined mouths, and I almost lost my mind.

  I had so much frustration, desire, and anger pent up that I couldn’t be gentle. With a firm yank of her ponytail, I forced her neck back so I could suck my way down from her lips. My teeth scraped over her chin, and I used my tongue to trace her pulse from her jaw down to her collarbone.

  “Declan…” Molly whimpered.

  God, I wished I’d had the foresight to record this audio. The sound of her moaning my name would come in handy when she wasn’t around much anymore.

  When she isn’t around much anymore.

  That thought—the thought of her not being around because she was with some other guy—sliced through me. It made me feel possessive and angry. But if this moment was all we were ever going to have, I refused to let Dr. Dickalicious ruin it. So I tamped down the negative thoughts and let my need for her flow into our kiss.

  I had no idea how long it lasted; time seemed to stand still. When we finally came up for air, we were both panting. I held her cheeks in my palms as my thumb wiped at the wetness on her lips.

  “Wow…” she whispered, looking a bit stunned. “That was…”

  I smiled. “Yeah, it was.”

  Molly blinked a few times, as if trying to snap out of a daze. “Was that… Are you… Is that just how you kiss, or was that something special?”

  I was a man after all, so of course I wanted to take credit and tell her it was all my doing—I was just that good of a kisser. But it would’ve been bullshit. “That was definitely special. It wasn’t me—it was us.”

  She swallowed. “Yeah.”

  Too soon, reality crept in. Molly’s eyes lifted above my shoulder, and she must’ve caught the time on the microwave. “Shoot.” She frowned. “I have to go. I’m going to be late for work. That was… It took longer than I thought.”

  Her legs were still wrapped around my waist, and I dreaded the thought of letting go. Especially because I knew this was it. I was going to be letting her go in more ways than one after this.

  “I’ll drive you.”

  Molly shook her head. “No, it’s okay. I think I need a few minutes alone to clear my head.”

  I wanted every last possible second with her, yet I reluctantly set her down on her feet.

  Molly stared at the floor. “Okay, well… I guess I’ll be going.”

  I couldn’t resist one more little kiss. So I cupped her chin and nudged her head up until our eyes met again. Leaning in slowly, I pressed my lips to hers and kept them there for a long time. It felt like my heart leapt into my throat when I pulled back. “Bye, Molly.”

  She looked at me funny. “You sound like you’re going to be gone when I get home in the morni
ng.”

  I forced a smile. “No, I’ll be here.” Licking my wounds and mending a broken heart.

  “Okay. Well, have a good night.”

  “You, too, Mollz. You, too.”

  CHAPTER 19

  * * *

  Molly

  “I was going to ask how things were going with you and Dr. Daniels.” Daisy lifted her chin, pointing to my neck. “But I can see they’re going pretty well.” She chuckled.

  We’d been making up a bed together for an incoming patient, and my scrub top had pulled to the side. I looked down but couldn’t see what she was referring to.

  “What?”

  She laughed. “You have a red mark—a hickey right on your collarbone.”

  My eyes widened, and I ran to the en suite bathroom to look in the mirror. Sure enough, I had a love bite. Declan must have done it earlier, and I’d had no idea. I straightened my top, and thankfully, it covered the mark again. But then it hit me that Will could have noticed it, rather than Daisy, and that made me feel sick.

  What the hell was I doing? I’d been crazy about Will for a long time, yet I’d struggled to make the decision to be exclusive with him. And then I finally made the choice to go for it, and less than forty-eight hours before I’m going to commit to him, I’m sucking face with Declan and getting a hickey.

  Why would I have done that if the choice I’d made was the right one? I felt more confused than ever.

  Overwhelmed, my emotions got the best of me, and tears welled in my eyes. Great. Just great. Now I’m going to have swollen eyes, a red nose, and another man’s mouth marks on my body. I felt like a horrible person—as if I’d done something traitorous, even though I hadn’t yet told Will we could be exclusive. I tried to sniffle back the tears, but a crushing sadness seeped into my chest, and apparently crying was the way it needed to come out. Fat tears rolled down my face, no matter how hard I tried to stop them.

  Since I hadn’t shut the bathroom door, Daisy thought nothing of walking in.

  “Molly, do you know where the—”

  She took one look at my face and froze. Clearly, she had no idea what to do. We were friendly, but it wasn’t like I told her my problems. She seemed torn between coddling me and running out of the bathroom to get as far away from me as she could. “Are you…okay?”

  I sniffled. “I just need a few minutes.”

  “Sure, of course. Do you…want me to stay? Is there something you want to talk about?”

  I shook my head. “No, I’m sorry. It’s just been a long day. I’ll be out in five.”

  “Don’t be silly. Take all the time you need. I’ll cover the desk for as long as it takes. It’s quiet right now, anyway.”

  “Thanks, Daisy.”

  ***

  The next morning, I wasn’t ready to go home after my shift ended. I hadn’t been to see my dad in a few days, so after texting Kayla to make sure it was okay, I picked up some bagels and headed to their house.

  “Hey, Dad.” I leaned down and kissed his cheek when I arrived. He had a home oxygen system set up now, but the plastic face mask was hanging on the back of the kitchen chair he sat in. I fingered it. “Umm… This works best when it’s on, believe it or not.”

  Dad shook his head. “Wiseass. You sound like Kayla. I’m drinking my coffee. I feel fine.”

  Every time I came to see him, he looked a little worse. Being a nurse, I was used to seeing sick patients deteriorate, but Dad’s decline was not the norm. The difference between small cell and non-small cell cancers was really staggering. It was almost as if we were watching the rapid spread on the inside happen on the outside, too.

  I put the bag of bagels on the table. “I brought your favorite.”

  He smiled. “Oh yeah? You remember my favorite?”

  “Of course I do. Salt—the more of it, the better. Probably not the best thing to bring you, considering what it can do to your blood pressure.”

  My father waved me off. “That’s the least of my worries.”

  I dug into the bag. “I’ll make it for you. Cream cheese or butter?”

  “Butter, please.”

  Kayla came down from upstairs while I was making Dad’s breakfast. We said hello, and she walked over to Dad and kissed him on the forehead. “I’m going to run some errands.”

  “Okay, dear.”

  “I’ll be back in about an hour. Can you stay that long, Molly?”

  My father answered for me with a grumble. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

  She rolled her eyes. Clearly this wasn’t the first time he’d given her a hard time about this. “Of course you don’t. But the doctor said you need rest, at least until your blood count is back to normal. So it makes me feel better to know someone is around in case you feel dizzy again.”

  “Doctors just cover their asses.”

  I chuckled. “I guess you should know.”

  After Kayla left, my father and I ate breakfast. We made small talk, and I’d thought I was doing a good job hiding the turmoil I felt inside. But after he finished eating, he leaned back in his chair and squinted at me.

  “Are you worried about me, or is something else going on?”

  My brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

  He looked down at my hands. “You pick at the cuticle on your thumbs when you’re nervous.”

  I totally did, but I didn’t realize my dad knew that. I tucked my thumb into a fist to stop myself and sighed. “It was just a long night.”

  “A delivery gone wrong?”

  I shook my head. “No, nothing like that.”

  “Okay…”

  Dad waited. I didn’t want him to think my issue was because of him. I mean, of course that was always in the back of my mind, but that wasn’t what he was seeing on my face today. So I thought it might be best to put his mind at ease.

  “It’s a…a man problem.”

  Dad sipped his coffee. “Okay. Well, believe it or not, I am one of those, so lay it on me.”

  It was hard to explain, and I wasn’t sure my situation was something I wanted to get into with my dad. We’d never discussed my dating life or anything like that. “I’m just struggling with what I think is the right choice for me.”

  Dad nodded. “That happens to be a subject I’m an expert on.”

  At first I was confused, but then I realized he was referring to my mom and Kayla. I’d only ever looked at what happened from an abandoned child’s side, not from the point of view of a man in a relationship.

  “What happened between you and Mom, Dad? I’ve only ever heard it from her.”

  My father sighed. “How much time do you have? I think that story could take a while.”

  I smiled. “Tell me the abbreviated version.”

  “Alright. Well, as you know, your mom and I were college sweethearts. We got married at twenty-one. People told us we were too young, but we didn’t listen.” He looked away for a moment, and a wistful smile grew on his face. “She was the most beautiful girl on campus.” He shook his head. “Anyway, this is supposed to be the abbreviated version, so I’ll jump forward a few years. Your mom worked a lot while I was in med school. Then when I graduated and you girls came along, she stayed home, and I worked a lot. Over the years, we sort of drifted apart. At first, we had you girls to bind us together. I’d come home, and your mom would catch me up on the happenings of you and your sister. But as the years passed, that became the only thing we discussed. So when you guys got a little bit older and started to spend time with your friends at sleepovers and whatnot, we felt like strangers. Sometimes we’d sit at the kitchen table for dinner, just the two of us, and have nothing to say, even though we’d spent the entire day apart. That led to frustration, and frustration led to arguing. I’m sure you remember the argument part. It was almost like we’d grown up together, yet never learned how to communicate.”

  “What about Kayla?”

  Dad sighed again. “I know you think Kayla was the cause of my breakup with your mom, but she really
wasn’t—nothing on her part, anyway. I swear, God as my witness, I never cheated on your mother—at least not in the physical sense. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t grow too close to other women during those tough years in a non-physical way. Looking back, I think I was seeking the emotional connection your mom and I were missing. I should have worked on that with her instead of finding it with others. And I own that. In a relationship, cheating isn’t just a physical connection. I developed feelings for Kayla. At the time, they weren’t reciprocated. She had no idea. She was just so easy to talk to at work. And once that happened, I realized things weren’t right with your mom and me. I had a lot of guilt, but I was also a selfish asshole. So rather than invest the time to try to fix what had gone wrong with your mother, I took the easy way out.”

  Wow. I don’t know what I’d expected him to say, but that wasn’t it. Though it did feel like the truth.

  Dad shook his head, and his eyes filled with emotion. “I’m sorry I let you down. I should have been a better man.”

  I took his hand in mine. “You’re human. And when you left, I don’t think I understood that. In my eyes, you were my father, not an actual person, if that makes any sense. I was sixteen and didn’t understand boys yet, so I couldn’t have possibly understood the complexities of making a marriage work or your heart falling out of love. I just wanted someone to blame because my father was gone and my mother was sad, and it was easiest to blame you.”

  We were both quiet for a long time, but eventually, I asked, “What if there was no Kayla? Would you have stayed with Mom?”

  Dad shook his head. “That’s obviously not a simple question to answer, since there is a Kayla. But I’m pretty sure the answer is no. If it wasn’t her, it would’ve been someone else eventually. The problem wasn’t me falling for a specific woman, Molly. The problem was me. Can I ask you something?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do your man problems have to do with Declan and Will?”