Not Pretending Anymore

by Ward, Penelope

  I nodded.

  “I know I’m probably the last person who should give advice on relationships. But sometimes hindsight is a lot clearer than when you’re in the thick of things. So if I can offer any advice, it would be not to make a commitment unless you’re certain and ready to work at it.”

  CHAPTER 20

  * * *

  Declan

  “How are things going over there?” Ken’s voice boomed through the speakerphone.

  Julia and I had a standing conference call with our boss once a week, almost always on Fridays. But earlier today he’d emailed us both to ask if we could speak at four this afternoon, even though it was only Tuesday.

  “Good,” I said. “We’re still a bit ahead of schedule, so we’ve started working on the media plan.”

  “Wonderful. Good to hear it. That makes this much easier.”

  I looked across the table at Julia to see if she knew what he was talking about, but her forehead was just as wrinkled as mine.

  She shrugged, so I spoke up. “Makes what easier, Ken?”

  “You know Jim Townsend?”

  We both nodded. “Sure. Is everything okay with him?” I asked.

  “Yes, but he gave his notice this morning—only gave me one week. Apparently he got an offer he couldn’t refuse that doesn’t require traveling, and since he and his wife just had a baby, he couldn’t pass it up. They needed him right away.”

  “Oh wow,” Julia said. “He’s been working on that big dairy campaign, right?”

  “Yep. Over in Wisconsin. He has two team members with him, but they’re both too junior to put in charge of an account the size of Border’s Dairy. So I’m afraid I need one of you to take the reins over there for a while.”

  I dragged a hand through my hair. “For how long?”

  “Campaign is set to launch in a little less than nine weeks. So I’d say right around two or three months.”

  Shit.

  “What about here?” I asked. “It’s too much work for one person to handle.”

  “I’ll send a replacement out to Chicago—two juniors, if you think it’s necessary. When Wisconsin wraps up, if there’s still work to be done in Chicago, whoever goes can go back to lend a hand. I know you two have created the vision for your campaign, and there’s a certain amount of satisfaction in bringing it to fruition. So I’m sorry about this. But one of you needs to pick up some bulky sweaters and head to Wisconsin.”

  My eyes caught with Julia’s. We both were thinking the same thing, but it was she who asked, “Which one of us is going?”

  “Welp, Declan is the more senior marketing director, even though you two have the same title. So I’m going to leave it up to him to decide who goes where.”

  ***

  My sister, Catherine, seemed surprised to hear from me again. “Calling again so soon? To what do I owe this honor, dear brother?”

  “Sister-Sister, I need your help big time.”

  “Uh-oh, is this about the Molly situation?”

  “I wish it were just about that.”

  “What happened now?”

  I told her about the bomb my boss had dropped at work today. I was still torn about whether to take the Wisconsin gig or throw Julia into the fire. Deep down, though, I knew the right decision.

  “He’s leaving it up to you two?”

  “No,” I clarified. “It’s up to me. And that’s fucked up. I wish he would’ve just made the damn decision.”

  “What did Julia say?”

  “She tried to seem gracious, said she’d be willing to go, but I know better. She’s been missing Newport Beach like crazy ever since we got here. She’s only just now acclimated somewhat to being in Chicago—finding places to get her healthy food and stuff. Having to go to Wisconsin for two months would kill her spirit, whether she knows it or not.”

  “So, you’re gonna volunteer?”

  “I think I have to. I don’t want to—not in the least. Unlike Julia, I actually love it here. There’s no part of me that wants to leave, aside from missing you guys.”

  Catherine exhaled. “I think it’s really crummy of your boss to put you in this situation. What about a coin toss?”

  “That still leaves the possibility that Julia will have to go. She’d resent me too much.”

  “So, in that case, there doesn’t seem to be all that much to discuss here. Seems like you’ve made your decision. You don’t want to hurt Julia, so you’re hurting yourself instead.”

  I sighed. “The girl broke up with her boyfriend to date me, and I haven’t committed to her, even though she seems pretty damn emotionally committed to me, and now I’m gonna ship her off to Wisconsin? That would be messed up. Don’t you think?”

  “I agree that you have little choice here if you’re looking to take Julia’s feelings into consideration.” Catherine paused. “What about Molly? What does she think?”

  That question filled me with dread. “I haven’t told her anything yet. This just happened today. Molly’s at work right now.”

  “Whatever happened with the conversation you were supposed to have with her?”

  Cringing, I closed my eyes. “It backfired. Long story short, I’d built up the nerve to tell her I wanted to take a chance on us, but before I could say it, she told me the damn doctor had asked her to date him exclusively. She said she was going to go for it.”

  “What was your response?”

  “I kissed her.”

  She laughed. “You what?”

  “I kissed her. And it was the best damn kiss of my life.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so confused.”

  “Me, too, Catherine.”

  “Okay, back up.”

  “Molly is supposed to tell him tomorrow night that she’s going to take him up on his offer. Once she announced that, I decided I wasn’t going to stand in her way. You told me yourself to act based on the vibe she gave me. Well, she made it pretty damn easy. But…since she was still technically single, and I might not have another chance to kiss her, I asked if I could do it just once. She said yes. It was amazing. The end. That was last night.”

  “So, in forty-eight hours, you decided to go for it, got your heart broken, kissed the girl anyway, then found out you’re moving to Wisconsin for two months. I’d say you deserve a drink tonight, little brother.”

  I opened the fridge and grabbed a beer. “Popping it open right now.”

  “Is simply saying no to this transfer an option?” she asked.

  Opening the bottle and taking a sip, I shook my head. “Not if I want to keep my job. And certainly not if I want to be considered for the promotion I’ve worked so damn hard for.”

  “Okay.” My sister let out a long breath. “Let’s step back and take a look at this situation with a wider lens.”

  “Alright.”

  “Molly made her decision. She’s going to date the doctor. You’re not that into Julia anymore. Might this temporary move to Wisconsin be a good thing? You won’t have to be around to witness Molly moving on, and it will resolve your situation with Julia without you having to let her down. Maybe once you reset and head back to California after Wisconsin, you’ll be able to move on from all of this, too?”

  “You make my mess of a life sound so simple.”

  “Why does it have to be complicated?”

  “Well, there is a small complication: the timing. I’ll likely still have to come back to Chicago to finish off the assignment here when Wisconsin wraps. By that time, God knows what I’ll be coming back to. But you know...the more I think about it, the more I realize it doesn’t matter how I feel right now. I have to go to Wisconsin.” I downed a long sip of my beer and repeated, “Dammit, I have to go.”

  CHAPTER 21

  * * *

  Molly

  My father’s advice had rung through my mind ever since I’d left him. I’d told Will I was going to give him a decision tonight, but was that really necessary? Why did we need to rush things? If I wasn’t sure, I most def
initely needed to do as Dad said—take more time before making a commitment.

  Looking in the mirror, I unbuttoned the top of my blouse and pulled it aside. The mark Declan had left on my neck was still there. I would have to cover it up with makeup before my date. The hickey would be one of many things I’d have to deal with before tonight. I didn’t feel ready to face Will without talking to Declan one more time.

  Declan had texted that he was coming home from work and hoped to catch me. I wondered if he wanted to talk about what happened between us on Monday.

  On the surface, that kiss seemed like a simple goodbye gesture, a gratuitous opportunity to take advantage of the situation. But the way he’d kissed me told a different story. It was desperate and full of passion and unlike any kiss I’d ever experienced. And it left me feeling more confused than I had before.

  I thought about the conversation I’d had with Dad. There was more than one way to hurt someone. If I was going to commit to a man, I needed to be certain I wouldn’t be thinking of another. At this point, I didn’t see how my telling Will yes could automatically turn off my feelings for Declan. How would I feel if the tables were turned—if Will agreed to be my boyfriend, yet held complicated feelings for another woman? I would hate it.

  My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. I stayed in my room, anticipating that Declan would come find me.

  A minute later, through the mirror, I saw him standing in my doorway. His melancholy expression, though, was not what I was expecting.

  I turned to face him. “What’s wrong, Declan?”

  He plopped on my bed, lying flat on his back and scrubbing over his face. “I don’t know how to say this.”

  My heart sank as I walked over to sit on the edge of the bed. “What’s going on?”

  My mind raced. Is he going to tell me he has feelings for me? Did our kiss change things? Did something happen with Julia? What he actually said, though, was far worse.

  “I have to leave Chicago, Mollz.”

  “What? Did something hap—”

  “I’m being reassigned to an account in Wisconsin. The guy running it left our company, and my boss needs someone there ASAP to take over. He wants it to be me or Julia, and he left me in charge of deciding who goes.”

  Him or Julia?

  My heart pounded. “So why isn’t she going?”

  He shut his eyes briefly. “Julia can barely handle Chicago. She does nothing but complain about how much she misses California. This assignment is in the middle of nowhere. I’m pretty sure those two months would kill her.”

  “You’re leaving?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. I have to, Mollz. But it’s the last thing I want.”

  “I can’t believe this. I always knew your time here was limited, but I feel like we just got robbed.”

  “Me, too. I’ve been really down all day. Once I told Ken I’d do it, I fell into a horrible funk.” He sat up so he was right next to me. “There’s a little silver lining, I guess. Depending on when things wrap up there, I might be coming back to finish off the Chicago gig before I have to head back to California.”

  That gave me a glimmer of hope. “So you might be back?”

  “I’m not sure how it’s going to play out, but that’s a definite possibility. I did talk to my boss about the company covering my rent here for the remainder of the time I’d committed to. I didn’t want to put you out. He agreed to reimburse me for it.” Declan placed a piece of my hair behind my ear. “Can you keep my room here open? That way I know I’ll have a place to stay when I come back.”

  It still felt surreal. “Of course, Declan. Of course.”

  He shook his head as he stared down at my bedspread. “This is shitty timing—literally kissing and running.” He looked up at me and flashed a crooked smile that made my heart ache. Then he took my hand in his. It was an innocent gesture, but it made me warm all over.

  I looked down at our entwined hands. “No matter how confused we might be, Declan, you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I hope we don’t lose touch, because the thought of that makes me so very sad.”

  He squeezed my hand. “I promise to stay in touch, Molly. I would love that.”

  “You’ve helped get me through a really tough time in my life. Your friendship, your breakfasts for dinner, your smile...” I grinned. “I’ve felt more alive since you’ve moved in than I have in years.”

  He studied my face. Maybe that was a little much to admit.

  “This sucks,” he muttered.

  The room fell silent.

  “When do you have to leave?” I asked.

  “He wants me out there by the beginning of next week.”

  I did the math. I was off for the next three days but had to work Saturday through Monday. That meant I only had a couple of days to see him before he left.

  I wanted to cry. “That’s so soon.”

  He frowned. “I know.”

  “What about you and Julia? Where does this leave that relationship?”

  He shrugged. “In limbo, I guess—but that’s not far from where it already is. I think the distance will be good for us. I’m glad we hadn’t made any kind of commitment before this happened.”

  Declan would surely want to be free to date whomever he pleased in Wisconsin. The thought of that made me nauseous, once again reminding me of my feelings for him.

  “I wish I could say ‘fuck the job’ and stay. I really do. I love it here, and no part of me is ready to leave.” He exhaled. “I’ve come so damn far with this company, and if I pushed back on this, it would make me seem like I wasn’t a team player. It would hurt my chances of promotion.”

  “I totally get it. Now is the time in your life to work hard so you can play later.”

  He let go of my hand and laid back down, staring at the ceiling. “My need for success is deeply rooted. My parents are very old-fashioned—particularly my father. I grew up being told I needed to be successful because I’m a man, whereas they were fine with my sisters just marrying and settling down. The ironic thing is, my sisters all excel in their careers. But even so, my father has always put added pressure on me because I’m the only boy. I disappointed him when I chose not to go to law school like he wanted, so I’ve tried so damn hard to show him I can make my mark in an industry of my own choosing, not the one he chose for me.”

  “Your dad is a lawyer?”

  “Yeah. I never told you that?”

  “No.”

  “Yep. So he wanted me to follow in his footsteps, but it never felt right. When I finally decided to go into marketing, I promised I would prove myself to him, prove that I could carve out my own success.”

  “You talk so much about your sisters, but you don’t talk much about your parents.”

  “It’s a bit of a sore spot. But it’s also what motivates me.”

  “I get it.”

  He looked over at me and smiled. “You have a way about you that makes me want to share things I don’t normally talk about. I’m gonna miss talking to you—in person. I promise we’ll keep talking.”

  “I’m gonna hold you to that.”

  He nodded. “You’re still going out with Will tonight, right?”

  I sighed. This news about Declan leaving threw a wrench into my plans to talk about my conflicted feelings with him this evening. “Yeah. I’m supposed to meet him at his place.”

  “And you’re gonna answer his little proposal?”

  I hesitated. “I don’t know.”

  “I have a confession…” he said.

  “Alright…”

  He sat up again to face me. “That kiss... I don’t regret it. Not for a second. It was an asshole thing to do, though. You’d just told me you’d made a decision you felt good about, and I went a little caveman, because I was feeling jealous.”

  I smiled and let him continue.

  “I didn’t have a right to toy with you like that. And I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t regret the kiss,�
�� I immediately said. “Maybe I do regret letting you suck on my neck so hard, because now I have to wear this shirt buttoned all the way up tonight. I look like a nun.” I unbuttoned the top two buttons and pulled the material back to show him the bruise. “No offense with the nun comment.”

  “None taken.” Declan ran his finger along my skin. “Shit.”

  The brush of his fingertip made me shiver.

  “But damn, I do like seeing it on you. Sorry not sorry. Is it wrong that I kind of want Dr. Dick to see it?” he asked. “It’s like I’ve brainwashed myself into thinking the competition we created between me and him is real.”

  If only he realized how real it had been for me all along. All I wanted to do tonight was hang out with Declan because our time was so limited.

  I’d almost suggested canceling my date when Declan said, “Go have fun tonight. Don’t let my news about leaving get you down. Order the most expensive fucking thing on the menu. Get a little tipsy—but not too drunk. And go with your gut, Molly. If you don’t feel like you’re ready, don’t tell him anything tonight. You don’t owe anyone an answer on any timeline.”

  “That’s the same advice my dad gave me.” I smiled.

  “Well, great minds, then.”

  ***

  I didn’t end up having dinner with Will after all. He was called in for an emergency at the hospital and had to cancel at the last minute. That was a relief—which had made me question my feelings all over again. I’d gone back home and found Declan out, so I’d used the quiet to think about things some more. I’d decided that in order to really assess how I felt about moving forward with Will, I needed Declan to be gone. It wasn’t fair to make a decision right now when all I could think about was him leaving.

  Anyway, Will and I had rescheduled our dinner to lunch this afternoon. We were meeting at a place near my apartment, which made me feel a lot more comfortable than the dinner at his place we’d originally planned. So far, we’d only shared a few kisses on the nights we’d had dates, but the natural progression of a physical relationship was looming, and I didn’t want that pressure before I had my head screwed on straight.